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Sexless Relationship.....but she doesnt want to split

28 replies

Querty1 · 11/11/2021 17:22

Im so confused and hurt.

My partner and I are both 40, she has recently told me that she no longer wants a sexual relationship with me. She says she no longer finds me attractive, has no feelings for me, thinks the sex is bad etc.

This has all came completely out of the blue, things have been great between us. Shes suddenly become really brutal with me, but then when I get serious and start heading towards ending things she finds an excuse to end the conversation. As if she is scared shes gonna get dumped.

Im so seriously hurt buy all of this. Its came as a complete shock and I dont understand it, as everything was fine.

OP posts:
MrsJamPanMan · 11/11/2021 22:56

I’m sorry you are going through this. You must do what is best for you. I think you know what that is.
Have courage!

Snorkello · 12/11/2021 05:58

I suggest you have a proper conversation about why she feels this way.

At 40, it could be peri menopause. So if this is new, maybe it’s hormonal. Just a thought. Obviously a delicate matter, but be mindful of other factors putting her off sex. This includes changes to contraception, issues going on at work or elsewhere in her life, so be kind to one another and see if you can work through it.

Communication is key. Listen to her, make sure she feels heard. If it’s something underlying, you can work through it. If it’s something you’re doing that maybe annoys her, then at least you will know.

If she really no longer wants you, then you can have a think about whether this relationship is working for you.

Whatever you do, respect her boundaries right now.

Sorry you’re going through this.

gamerchick · 12/11/2021 06:54

My partner and I are both 40, she has recently told me that she no longer wants a sexual relationship with me. She says she no longer finds me attractive, has no feelings for me, thinks the sex is bad etc

If my husband said any of that to me, I wouldn't be respecting any boundaries. I'd be ending the marriage, with or without his permission. There's no coming back from those words.

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TheReluctantPhoenix · 12/11/2021 06:56

She is seeing someone else (95% confidence interval).

I would have a good look around for evidence and then divorce her.

Mybalconyiscracking · 12/11/2021 07:01

@TheReluctantPhoenix

She is seeing someone else (95% confidence interval).

I would have a good look around for evidence and then divorce her.

She probably isn’t. People do go off sex in their forties.
DillonPanthersTexas · 12/11/2021 07:09

If my husband said any of that to me, I wouldn't be respecting any boundaries. I'd be ending the marriage, with or without his permission. There's no coming back from those words.

Yep, completely agree.

TopCatsTopHat · 12/11/2021 07:11

Her change in attitude to sex is not particularly unusual but she is being rather callous about how she is dealing with that - this is not ok.
If she is going to be hostile then you can't resolve things as a couple.
You could see whether she is assuming you will be demanding over the sex aspect and that is putting her off confiding in you nicely. If her callousness is based on fears, it could be resolved with good communication. If she is out and out not interested in how this affects you that's a different thing.
Ultimately you both need to work out what is at the root of this (possible hormone changes, possible relationship communication issues etc) and whether it can be helped (if she wants to). Then once that is established you'll know what kind of relatiionship is possible and whether you want that.
It isn't reasonable to radically alter a relationship and not discuss it. If you can't live in a sexless marriage (and what about non sex affection) then you have decisions to make whether or not she is willing to talk. Try to talk first would be step one though.

DillonPanthersTexas · 12/11/2021 07:11

She probably isn’t. People do go off sex in their forties.

Going off sex is one thing, calling your partner unattractive, a crap lover and declaring you have no feelings for them is quite another

TopCatsTopHat · 12/11/2021 07:12

But don't talk about the lack of desire so much as the cause, the lack of desire is a symptom and could have many causes.

wobblywinelover · 12/11/2021 07:19

Seems a bit weird this has come out of the blue, so theres no back story at all? Not excusing this behaviour but there must be more to it.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 12/11/2021 07:21

@Mybalconyiscracking,

Of course they do.

However, normally they question themselves, try to rekindle desire, blame themselves and apologise to their partners.

This cold disparagement is just uncaring, as if she has entirely switched off from her partner, but wants to keep up a sham (and probably comfortable) pretence.

As I said, not 100% confident but 95% of there being someone else.

drpet49 · 12/11/2021 07:22

* If my husband said any of that to me, I wouldn't be respecting any boundaries. I'd be ending the marriage, with or without his permission. There's no coming back from those words.*

^This. There is no way you can stay with her now. Without a doubt she has found someone else. Leave her, you deserve so much more than this.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 12/11/2021 07:23

I thought she may be seeing someone else too. The harsh words made me think that, not the going off sex.

You dont need her permission to end the relationship. Do what you need to do.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 12/11/2021 07:29

Leave. It won't get better, she's been quite cruel in her approach.
I refuse to remain in a sexless relationship.
Been there, done that, never doing it again
Life is too short to be unhappy

anon12345678901 · 12/11/2021 07:34

@gamerchick

My partner and I are both 40, she has recently told me that she no longer wants a sexual relationship with me. She says she no longer finds me attractive, has no feelings for me, thinks the sex is bad etc

If my husband said any of that to me, I wouldn't be respecting any boundaries. I'd be ending the marriage, with or without his permission. There's no coming back from those words.

Me too. That's just completely unnecessary. It's being cruel for no reason. I'd be leaving her OP.
femfemlicious · 12/11/2021 07:35

Please leavd her immediately...i dont think you need to ask her any more questions

TopCatsTopHat · 12/11/2021 07:50

@drpet49

* If my husband said any of that to me, I wouldn't be respecting any boundaries. I'd be ending the marriage, with or without his permission. There's no coming back from those words.*

^This. There is no way you can stay with her now. Without a doubt she has found someone else. Leave her, you deserve so much more than this.

On re-reading the op I agree with this and various other pp actually. Has no feelings for you! That's not just sexless marriage which could still have live and affection in it, that's just someone who can't be bothered with the paperwork.

I'm also wondering if there is a backstop that would be a shocker out of the blue.

Rainbowheart1 · 12/11/2021 08:02

It might have come out the blue to you, but that’s not how it happens to women, this would have happened over time, she’s obviously not happy, but you’ve just never realised it. Women don’t wake up one day and have these feelings come at them at once, it builds up.

Is she happy? Sounds like she has had enough but is too scared to leave you (familiarity).

Wiredforsound · 12/11/2021 08:06

I wouldn’t stay with someone who said that to me. It’s clearly over. It sounds like she wants the comforts of the relationship (money, home, etc.) without actually having a relationship. I also agree that she may well be having her head turned by someone else.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/11/2021 08:07

There is absolutely no reason to speak to you that way and be so hurtful. She has no respect for you and has no humanity. This relationship has no future. I couldn’t be with someone who could talk to me that way-whatever the reason was.

I’d leave.

GoodnightGrandma · 12/11/2021 08:08

It could be a medical reason for pushing you away.
You haven’t explained what she said about not wanting to split, so I’m going to assume she wants to stay for financial reasons and for company.
If you want a sexual relationship and she doesn’t you should split and find the life you want.

Esspee · 12/11/2021 08:21

You thought everything was fine, she doesn’t. It is as simple as that.

She wants a platonic relationship.
As her husband/wife (I’m unsure of your sex) you need to decide whether the relationship can succeed and if not then move on.

Blahdyblahbla · 12/11/2021 08:40

Is it completely out of the blue, or has she been saying this in q gentler way for some time and you haven't heard and are pushing her for sex, and she's snapped?

Querty1 · 12/11/2021 10:09

Thanks for the comments guys.

My partner suffers with MH issues. She has bi polar, Depression, anxiety , adhd, paranoia etc. Lockdown hit her hard, with me having to contact the crisis team due to her having massive melt downs.
She would get a tiny bit of attention from a guy and then start imagining a fantasy life with that person and id get thrown away.

This was incredibly difficult and went on for months. Though I stood by her and got her the help she obviously needed. Shes on meds which have an effect on her labido, but we discussed it and I told her, as long as she was ok and stable. Thats all that mattered.

I have a higher sex drive than her, but have taken a big step back and given her plenty of space in this regard. THough I have shown her plenty of attention.

For the first time in a year, things have been going really well. We have been spending much more time doing things as a couple and having fun, posting to facebook. She literally told me that she was happy! she said this to my face with a smile.

She then met her friends out in town, they had been drinking for hour before she arrived. They ambushed her and told her that they thought all her MH issues where down to her not being happy with me etc etc . They regularly cheat on their husbands, sleep with married men and are very jealous of her.

She took this all on board, and being rather suggestable. Especially from her mates (Who can do no wrong), came to the conclusion ....they must be right, why else would they say this?!

She eventually saw through them wanting to cause trouble, after talking to more reasonable people in her life. Though suddenly has the opinion that Im no good any more.

I have no idea whether this is down to her MH condition, has she had her head turned/is she hiding things from me or is it exactly as she says.

Either way, her brutality is unbelievably painful and damaging to my self esteem

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 12/11/2021 10:13

Walk away, life is too short to put up with shit.

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