Husbands snoring?

[foreverinadaze]

I work mornings. 3 to 4 days q week. Usually 4 am starts and 2 pm finishes.
He works nights. 5pm starts. 2 am finishes. We have to do these shifts. No childcare available and no family

We can't afford childcare and qirh our shift patterns being so random with the days it would be impossible to sort.

My husband snores. Its driving me crazy and killing our marriage. As soon as he gets home and gets to bed he starts. I've tried sleeping downstairs. I can hear it over the white noise in the babies room and thats downstairs.
The days off we have together I'm inevitably up as soon as he falls asleep which could be any time from midnight onwards.
When I ask to catch up on my sleep it causes arguments. He doesnt think I need to sleep because I work less days and not nights. We argue about it. I know he can't help it. I know he's tired but when I'm getting by on like 3 hours sleep it's getting ridiculous.
The nights he's at work I'm in bed as soon as daughter is down because I'm exhausted. I dont want to be going to bed at 6 pm.

He's not overweight. He's got no medical conditions.

Any suggestions?

Does he believe that he snores loudly but just doesn't care? Have you recorded him and played it back to him?

If he doesn't agree to see his GP, he is a twat.

@BigSigh2021

Does he believe that he snores loudly but just doesn't care? Have you recorded him and played it back to him?

If he doesn't agree to see his GP, he is a twat.

Yep recorded and played back. He says he can't help it and he's not doing it on purpose and he's only doing it cos he's tired. He won't go to the gp. I've asked that and he just said no

My husband snores loudly too. He did see the GP but was told there is nothing they can do. I bought him a pillow that tilts his head back to open the throat more which helps a bit but I pretty much wear ear plugs every night. Failing that he sleeps on the sofa! He could help it by losing weight - it's always worse when he puts some on but it's like talking to a brick wall. I feel your pain!

I had years of suffering this. He now sleeps in the spare room.
Never underestimate the effect that snoring will have on your health and relationship. He needs to seek help and do something, or it will be like this for the rest of his life.

@GoodnightGrandma

I had years of suffering this. He now sleeps in the spare room. Never underestimate the effect that snoring will have on your health and relationship. He needs to seek help and do something, or it will be like this for the rest of his life.

I usually go downstairs but even over the babies white noise playing I can hear him and I'm starting to resent him. It's definitely starting to have an impact on our marriage.

You see, you’ve said the word that is the beginning of the end of any relationship - resentment.

My DP snores sometimes. It makes me want to smother him, I get so furious.
I am seriously considering a small bed in the spare room as if it continues its going to destroy our otherwise loving relationship

I know its not ideal but is seperate rooms an option for you?

@GoodnightGrandma

You see, you’ve said the word that is the beginning of the end of any relationship - resentment.

I've said this so so many times. I've told him I resent him. I know the shifts we do are hard. And I work less days but do longer shifts so we both work about 40 hours a week. Its getting to the point where I can't cope anymore. I'm exhausted all the time. How the baby sleeps thru it is beyond me but she does

@AlbusDumbledore2234

My DP snores sometimes. It makes me want to smother him, I get so furious. I am seriously considering a small bed in the spare room as if it continues its going to destroy our otherwise loving relationship

I know its not ideal but is seperate rooms an option for you?

Only a 2 bedroom house and little one is in her own room. After the nightmare of getting her to sleep in it I dont really want to mess her sleeping up. I usually go downstairs but I can still hear him even then. I have considered ear plugs but again I have the baby to consider and he never wakes when she cries. So it's a very annoying puzzle

Silicone ear plugs and definitely a gp check up for him

It's pure torture

He might feel sensitive about it but you have to push through that to have him understand it's simply not viable to live this way. Nobody gets to say how much the other one can sleep - it's different for everyone

If he finishes at 2am he isn't actually working nights anymore than you are!

Perhaps right down how much sleep you both get and show that over a week he I getting far more than you!

We sleep separately and ate much happier because we both get more sleep!

I’d be pretty pissed off he was refusing to consider seeing the GP, if he cared about the effect on you then he would.
But you probably need a solution anyway, as I doubt the GP can/will do much. DH snores badly, and was actually referred to the hospital for an ENT appointment. They found an issue and were going to treat it, but his initial appointment was at the start of March 2020, and they cancelled everything after that once lockdown started and now the GP won’t re-refer.

Many people (snorers) really underestimate the stress a snoring partner causes and the strain it puts on a relationship. We've had separate rooms for 10 years due to DH snoring - he would never take any responsibility either. Difficult in your shoes as you need to be able to hear the baby so earplugs aren't the answer.

If he's so selfish that he won't at least try some of the products on the market, then I don't hold much hope for your relationship.

He will have to sleep elsewhere. Second hand sofa bed or inflatable mattress? Put him downstairs?
There are strips you can use that open up your nasal passages, they can help.

I feel your pain. I remember discussing this with an aunt at a wedding once. Her generation used to go to the gp for sleeping pills to cope with snoring while on holiday. Imagine being drugged just to cope with someone else’s issue.
What a weird world we live in.

Every time he snores wake him up. He will soon realise how selfish he is being.

I used to be a snorer, went to my GP who referred me to ENT and I had surgery to open up my airway more. That combined with losing weight means I only snore when extremely tired or poorly.

Repeatedly waking them up doesn’t work. Trust me, I did it for years.

Well he's awake and the conversation I tried to have has turned into a full blown argument.

DH was a snorer - it nearly broke our relationship. For ages I got the 'I can't help it' and 'I'm not doing it on purpose'.

Eventually, in tears during yet another cross exchange about it, I said if he wouldn't go to the doctors I didn't know how we were going to survive. He went. Ultimately for him losing some weight made the difference, but he did also have nasal strips and a spray before then.

If he doesn't go to the GP about it, he doesn't know whether there's an underlying health condition causing it.

He’s selfish.
Ducks in a row and end it.

I sympathise. I'm in the same situation right now. My dh can start snoring within minutes of falling asleep.

He does need to lose some weight and he probably drinks a little too much red wine. I have noticed a link between alcohol and his snoring.

We don't have a spare room because it's an office and a bed / sofa won't fit. I find that the silicon ear plugs help too. So, if I'm asleep before he is, then I find that I'm more likely to sleep through it!

@foreverinadaze

Well he's awake and the conversation I tried to have has turned into a full blown argument.

This shouldn't even be an argument. If his position is he "can't help it" that's an outright lie as there's plenty he can do, starting with the GP.

I'm sorry OP but its ultimatum time. GP or leave. Its not just that he's being selfish, he is actively and intentionally causing you suffering.

Going slightly off topic here but we can't have a conversation. Weve never had a conversation end well because the minute he senses the slightest bit or criticism he shuts down and literally says nothing. Then after about 20 minutes of that he gets angry so im currently waiting for the angry phase to start.

So far we've got he doesnt want to go the doctor cos he doesn't want to. Thats the only answer I've got. Then I got it cant be as bad as your making it out to be cos the babies still asleep thru it. Our child slept thru firework night when the next door neighbours had what seemed explosives going off so I don't think that applies
Then before the silent treatment I got that I'm looking for an argument and that if I so desperately want he will never sleep again.
God writing it down makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing here

I wonder what the hell you’re doing too !
This is more than about snoring, it’s about your relationship and life.
Honestly , if he won’t do anything about it you either suck it up or move on.

I don’t think snorers realise the impact they have on their partners.

Have you told him it’s his snoring that’s affecting your marriage or have you explained it’s his lack of even looking into it that is causing problems?

@EnjoyingTheSilence

I don’t think snorers realise the impact they have on their partners.

Have you told him it’s his snoring that’s affecting your marriage or have you explained it’s his lack of even looking into it that is causing problems?

A bit of both. I mean if the gp said there's no medical reason I'd be a little less annoyed. I wouldn't like it but I'd know its just one of those things. He doesnt drink. And he's a healthy weight for his size. But it's insane. I've never heard a noise like it. He hasn't seen a gp in years. The last time I remember him going was 6 years ago for some headaches he had.