Husbands snoring?

[foreverinadaze]

I work mornings. 3 to 4 days q week. Usually 4 am starts and 2 pm finishes.
He works nights. 5pm starts. 2 am finishes. We have to do these shifts. No childcare available and no family

We can't afford childcare and qirh our shift patterns being so random with the days it would be impossible to sort.

My husband snores. Its driving me crazy and killing our marriage. As soon as he gets home and gets to bed he starts. I've tried sleeping downstairs. I can hear it over the white noise in the babies room and thats downstairs.
The days off we have together I'm inevitably up as soon as he falls asleep which could be any time from midnight onwards.
When I ask to catch up on my sleep it causes arguments. He doesnt think I need to sleep because I work less days and not nights. We argue about it. I know he can't help it. I know he's tired but when I'm getting by on like 3 hours sleep it's getting ridiculous.
The nights he's at work I'm in bed as soon as daughter is down because I'm exhausted. I dont want to be going to bed at 6 pm.

He's not overweight. He's got no medical conditions.

Any suggestions?

I sympathise. I have to sleep apart from mine - he is so loud. I would get no sleep with him in with me!

I've been married to a horrific snorer for 20 years. My advice is to do whatever it takes to sleep separately. Put sleep above everything else. If this means a bed in the living room making it cramped it's still better than no sleep. Resentment starts when you start off in the same bed then you end up going downstairs, better to sleep downstairs in the first place.

Make the downstairs bed lovely with nice bed linen so whoever sleeps there is comfortable and it's not second best.

To be fair to him, snoring solutions are not easy. If there are no underlying medical problems or weight or alcohol causing it, the only option is a sleep clinic (massive waiting list usually) and a cpap machine. These are great but take some getting used to, and are quiet but not noiseless.

Accept that you need to sleep separately and your relationship should improve. Good luck!

I always post on snoring threads as my DP is an horrific snorer. Ear plugs helped me a bit before kids but now we have DC I need to be able to hear in the night.

The one who is snoring must be the one who leaves the room/ bed. HE is the one disturbing somebody. My DP accepts this because he too does the bizarre refusing to go to GP thing.

He isn't even trying to fix it. This is the worst part (after the hideous sawing noise of course).

In your case OP, I would suggest your DP sleeps downstairs near the baby's room to listen out for them and you sleep in the adult bedroom ear plugged.

Sleep deprivation is a method of torture. You both have enough stress in your lives atm without one partner being an arsehole about snoring and seeing doctors and dismissing your need for sleep because his is more important.

You said "He's not overweight. He's got no medical conditions" but has he ever been assessed for sleep apnoea? You don't have to be overweight or have other medical conditions for this to be an issue and at the severe end it can be life threatening, not just life impacting.

Is he selfish or sexist in other ways? Who does the bulk of the domestic work if both of you are working on shifts?

I would stress that 'see your GP' is unlikely to result in this problem going away any time soon.

@C8H10N4O2

Sleep deprivation is a method of torture. You both have enough stress in your lives atm without one partner being an arsehole about snoring and seeing doctors and dismissing your need for sleep because his is more important.

You said "He's not overweight. He's got no medical conditions" but has he ever been assessed for sleep apnoea? You don't have to be overweight or have other medical conditions for this to be an issue and at the severe end it can be life threatening, not just life impacting.

Is he selfish or sexist in other ways? Who does the bulk of the domestic work if both of you are working on shifts?

Thats a very good point. He doesnt have any medical conditions as far as I know. And well he knows I do the bulk of childcare. Food shopping falls to me. Clothes washing is me, money management is all me. Cooking is usually 50 50. Household cleaning is me. Hmm like I said earlier writing this all down is making me feel a bit stupid for having put up with it so long. I just never saw it.

@SwissRolll

I would stress that 'see your GP' is unlikely to result in this problem going away any time soon.

Its not going to be resolved at all if he doesn't start the process. The point is not just the possible apnoea but the selfishness associated with someone who just doesn't care enough about their partner's health and well being to pick up the phone and talk to a doctor.

Its all very well telling the OP that she should accept the poor man and make a lovely bedroom downstairs (except they can't even afford paid childcare and live in what sounds like a two bed terrace) but he needs to show some consideration for the OP.

I also don't see why she should be evicted from her bedroom because her DH doesn't care.

@SwissRolll

I would stress that 'see your GP' is unlikely to result in this problem going away any time soon.

I think the attitude of showing willing to fix the problem, rather than the attitude of put up and shut up is the issue here, more than the actual snoring.

I absolutely agree that he should see his GP, but to expect this to solve anything quickly is unrealistic. I also agree that one person needs to sleep downstairs not necessarily her.

My DH is a snorer, but he has done lots of things to help improve it and he is waiting for an ENT appointment after a gp referral. He makes an effort to sleep on his side and bought a special pillow. If it's a particularly bad night I wake him and he goes to sleep on the sofa. It got to the point where I dreaded going to bed every night and once he'd woken me once I couldn't get back to sleep because I was anticipating being woken again.
If your DH won't accept there is a major issue then you have a problem. He needs to realise you are resenting him, you are on your knees and it cannot continue and he must make steps to resolve it. Tell him it's killing your relationship.

My DH is fit, not overweight, no medical conditions. He has sleep apnoea despite not fitting the usual criteria for those that tend to have it, it is possible. When he snores does he have periods of quiet and then sounds like he’s choking or coughing which then goes back into snoring?

@BabbleBee

My DH is fit, not overweight, no medical conditions. He has sleep apnoea despite not fitting the usual criteria for those that tend to have it, it is possible. When he snores does he have periods of quiet and then sounds like he’s choking or coughing which then goes back into snoring?

Yeah that sounds like it. And then he'll let out like a giant snore and then go quiet for a bit and rhen start again. That happens a few times a night. Usually it's like a constant drone until that happens

Colleague of mine recommended britishsnoring.co.uk/
Worth looking at this site first before you go to GP.

@foreverinadaze - does he feel refreshed, like he’s had a good nights sleep or is he still tired in the day? If he’s still tired then it very much sounds like sleep apnoea.

@BabbleBee

My DH is fit, not overweight, no medical conditions. He has sleep apnoea despite not fitting the usual criteria for those that tend to have it, it is possible. When he snores does he have periods of quiet and then sounds like he’s choking or coughing which then goes back into snoring?

Does he use a CPAP machine? My skinny DH has very bad sleep apnoea and uses one. We don't know to this day, and neither do the doctors, whether the sleep apnoea caused his stroke or the stroke caused the apnoea. It all started off with snoring that just got worse and worse.

Either way anyone with a snoring problem absolutely needs to address it.

A snorer can't help snoring, but they can try and do something about it.

@RampantIvy yes he does have CPAP. It took a while to get the mask fitting right and comfortable but it made a huge difference to his energy levels.

@BabbleBee

My DH is fit, not overweight, no medical conditions. He has sleep apnoea despite not fitting the usual criteria for those that tend to have it, it is possible. When he snores does he have periods of quiet and then sounds like he’s choking or coughing which then goes back into snoring?

My DH also had none of the obvious markers for apnoea but the uncontrollable snoring and the choking/coughing/spluttering type noises in his sleep are a common symptom.

He really wants to be referred to ENT with a sleep specialism or a sleep clinic. The first ENT DH went to was an old buffer who told him to buy his wife ear plugs... I prodded for a second opinion and he went to the sleep clinic who measured apnoea at a level where they advised him to take a temporary CPAP and showed him how to use it before he left the clinic. He then went back for a permanent model and has used one ever since. It had a transformative effect including much improved general health.

I don't think people realise the health risks of apnoea left unmanaged.

He really wants to be referred to ENT with a sleep specialism or a sleep clinic

Sorry should say "OP's DH needs to be referred"