Feeling like a fucking failure at adulting atm

[Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep]

Missed my flu jab.
Missed both the kids' virtual parents teacher conferences.
Constantly struggling to stay on top of laundry. Working FT in a job that I'll finish in a week and then starting a new one that's longer hours and I will be having to start from scratch - learning my way, reputation building, working out priorities and when I need to work more and when I can be more flexible....

I'm panicking and exhausted and stressed and just feeling like shit. My ex is relatively involved with co parenting, but all the major parenting shite is on my shoulders - looking at secondary schools. Pushing for the EHCP, Buying new school shoes, home shoes. Winter coats. Dentist appointments, who needs what uniform on what days and when is a packed lunch needed for a school trip and who's the current best friend and do I need to buy a present for a birthday party and and and....

There are just so many fucking balls and this week I have just started dropping them and I hate myself for it. I try so so hard to be organic it doesn't come naturally and it's all coming tumbling down.

Well I say relatively involved. He's involved compared to some men on mumsnet but basically he has them EOW and 1 evening a week and comes along to events if I remind him. But I have to lift the mental load. Same as it ever was.

If it's any consolation I'm with you. I forgot what time I needed to leave a car park this week and am just waiting for the PCN to come in, twice I have thought I'd sent online payments this last month and have not done it, and I accidentally sent a decent sized savings deposit to completely the wrong sort code (mercifully it got returned).
We can only do so much, my oh is a decent coparent but it's been a shit few years. Can you take a break at all? Get someone in to support the household stuff?

Can you phone in sick this week and crack on with some of those things?

Some balls are rubber and will bounce back up so you can catch them. Some are glass and smash as soon as you drop them.

That’s the analogy (from an ADHD group) that’s kept me sane over the last few years.

Single parent, 3DC, full time STEM student.

My ex thinks he’s involved but he really fucking isn’t, it’s more like one step above a deadbeat - EOW and the odd parents evening.

And my youngest DD has a totally absent DNA donor so I know that the eldest 2 have a just above a deadbeat Dad

I'm already spending money i shouldn't really be spending on a cleaner because otherwise I would just disintegrate i think. I am pursuing diagnosis for ADHD (both my kids have it. If I don't then I'll eat my hat) and a clean, tidy house is essential for my MH but it gets to the point where I make myself ill trying to keep on top of it - like a motor I can't turn off?

It does help to know I'm not alone in making foolish mistakes. I just beat myself up so much over it.

I'm panicking and exhausted and stressed and just feeling like shit.

I know the feeling. Sending you a virtual hug. 💓

There are just so many fucking balls and this week I have just started dropping them and I hate myself for it.

Please don’t hate yourself.

Childcare and household tasks are tedious, however much you love those you’re doing them for.

Adulting is tough. A seemingly never-ending list of things you ‘should’ do.

Is there anything you do for you?

Have you dreams apart from being a mum, working in your job, etc, that you’ve had to put aside?

I have ADHD and was diagnosed last year - motor that won’t turn off here too.

I also have a cleaner who’s worth every penny that I can’t afford, even if the house is untidy I know it’s clean under all the crap.

Middle DD has Autism and ADHD.

You sound so burnt out, don't beat yourself up! Could you take a few days sick? Give yourself a day or two to catch up on life stuff and then a day for yourself?

I agree with others, you're leaving your old job so perhaps just take a days stock leave to gain a little headspace. Nothing that has happened is insurmountable. You can rebook a flu jab, call the school and ask for new appointments. Not so bad.

Can you take a couple of half days of annual leave?
Use them to have 1 hour coffee break for yourself then make a list and/or update calendar of urgent tasks that need doing.
I find it helps to write down how long each will take
For example, order coats online - 20 minutes.
Change bed 15 minutes.
This helps me feel less overwhelmed
Oh I missed parents’ evening too, first time ever - my co-parent and the 17 year old moaned but interestingly didn’t feel that they could have reminded me.

Simplify anything at all that is possible, e.g. children’s friends’ birthday:
£5 or £10 in a card (buy generic multipack of cards from Amazon) plus (optional) wrapped box of maltesers or similar. Bulk buy rolls of shiny or plain wrapping paper/gift bags that can be used for everything.
Keep really easy packed lunch stuff in the house that can be thrown together if needed. Packs of crackers or frozen bread rolls, babybel or similar. Dried fruit or stuff like apples that keep for days in the fridge.

I wanted to give you and hug. I hear you. Also about to go through ADHD diagnosis as an adult- because I’m fed up of always spinning plates, never being able to relax and feeling like a failure.

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep You are being way too hard on yourself!!! It sounds like you are doing the work of 2 full-time jobs!

You’re not failing. Think of all the things you have done this week, I bet it’s loads.

In practical terms, how do you keep track of your appointments? I use google calendar now after being a die hard paper diary person for years. I’m now in the habit of checking everyday what’s coming up and also have the widget on my phone so it’s always front and centre. You can set reminders too if you need help getting into the swing of checking it.

Join the club. I feel like a total failure as an adult (despite always trying to do my best for everyone) and have made some ludicrous decisions

I’m sure you’ll manage to get on top of things again and please when you do tell me how you did it

Oh god i feel you.

oh poor you OP! I've been in a similar position. Try not to beat yourself up about missed parents evenings etc. these things happen. I find it goes in waves.
is it the dread of the new job too, plus waiting for potential ADHD dc diagnosis?
as they grow up it gets lighter somehow...

I use Google calendar religiously. It's the only reason I haven't missed more stuff, but for some reason the notifications didn't come up and without those reminders - nope. No good!

I go to the gym for me. It's been bloody life saving. I use the money I would have spent on a commute, but having somewhere to escape to is glorious. I work from the cafe there sometimes. All the classes are included. It's ace.

In times gone by I had a heap of hobbies - an adhd collection of them really. All sorts of crafts. Writing, poetry, photography, but no time now. One day, maybe.

New job anxiety is definitely adding to things. I've got the week off before it starts which will help a bit, but it's all stressful isn't it? I have such a good reputation at my current place that even if I cock up it doesn't matter, because everyone knows it's the exception. But if you cock up in the first couple of months then people assume that's the norm. Right?

Pfft. Going to look at a secondary school tomorrow. There goes a day of leave. I'm hoping I'll get a couple of hours before school pick up so I can go to the gym.

I'm sitting in the kitchen atm. Too tired to do anything useful, too wired after a manic day to actually go to bed. I'm just listening to the droning hum of the fridge and the cat's squeaky snores and wondering how other people seem to achieve so much more...

Not having two kids with adhd would probably be a start...

I'm just listening to the droning hum of the fridge and the cat's squeaky snores and wondering how other people seem to achieve so much more...

I know this feeling.

The gym sounds great. So glad that you have this resource.

I understand feeling you don’t have time for your other interests - writing, etc - but if you chose one and touched base with it briefly but regularly, it might help you to cope with everything else. Maybe five minutes in the morning?

Too tired to write much now, but feeling much the same. Several times this week I have nearly started a thread called something like “Parenting as an autistic mother and executive function- I think it’s all falling apart”.

Basically, there are only so many balls you can juggle. I have been a lone parent for many years so have spent many, many hours thinking about this! It’s very, very hard to work, run a house and parent all by yourself. So don’t feel bad.

Well l am here clapping for you.
Forget missed appointments, it happens.
l am a lone parent , now l am at the stage where l ask myself " "Will this make News At 10.00? " No, so why am l worrying.
Applaud yourself every single day for all the things you have done, and forget about the rest. Your mental health will thank you for it,.

Just children having ADHD to the point where an EHCP is a consideration means a heck of a lot more adulting just to get the children out of the door (I have one with ADHD and dyspraxia, the other, dunno but he's not vastly better...) I'm tired of thinking in triplicate and am not a natural adult anyway.

I can deal with "features" but it's monotonous routines like housework that permanently need doing and never stay done that grinds me down. (Add in the scatty children who are resistant to training...)

Can you call new job and ask if you can start a but later, a few days or a week? Give yourself some time to do absolutely nothing

Another one to say how familiar! I was married too but 99.99% of children's organisation, running the house even calling a takeaway was my job (he didn't like talking to people he didn't know!)

Since we split (kids grown) I had to explain to him how to set up utilities, remind him to register for council tax and even make sure he insured and taxed the car. Useless at these things. In his defence I worked part time even when they were teens so I had more time but still!!! I'm now still amazed my dp does paperwork, we share in fact, I'm easily impressed