Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What would you do...? I'm torn.

35 replies

alittleacorn · 10/11/2021 19:08

Hello everyone,

Long story short, my partner and I have been trying to conceive for 18 months with no joy. I unfortunately had three chemical pregnancies in this time and they have left us both absolutely devastated.
We have both wanted children for as long as we can remember and decided to start trying after I came off of the implant which I was on for seven years in total.

We should've been married already but unfortunately our wedding was cancelled due to Covid, so we have rescheduled for autumn next year and we are really, really looking forward to it! :) we have been together for a long time and we're gutted that we couldn't get married as planned during covid.

We have also been looking at honeymoons and getting ideas about where we would like to go, which is really exciting!

I am overweight, And have been since being a teenager. I have struggled with my weight and have been recently looking into the possibility of private bariatric surgery to assist in my weight loss. I have been accepted for this, and all being well (once the surgeon can advise me) I would be looking to have the operation as early as January next year, which is just amazing. I would love to be slimmer and healthier, and can't wait for the positive change!

I stupidly took an ovulation test a few days ago, which was positive. Since I haven't been back on birth control, we haven't exactly been 'careful' but figured since nothing has happened for us yet, and it's been such a struggle, I would stay off of it and let 'nature take its course' to an extent.

Anyway. Since then, I just can't stop my heart from aching at the possibility of becoming pregnant. My heart yearns it, it's a feeling I can't explain. I just long to be a mother, and to have our very own baby. I really don't know what to do.

I want so desperately to loose this weight, and I want so desperately to get married and have the wedding and honeymoon of our dreams.. but I also so, so desperately want to be come a mum 😞

I just can't stop my heart from aching!

OP posts:
Original poster
alittleacorn · 10/11/2021 19:09

I'm sorry if this is a bit ranty.. or maybe doesn't made sense. I just felt like I wanted to write it all down

OP posts:
Original poster
alittleacorn · 10/11/2021 21:44

Anybody? Blush

OP posts:
user3344 · 10/11/2021 21:48

Hi @alittleacorn,

I don't have any amazing advise, but hopefully will give your post a little post.

I am sorry to hear of your struggles, it's sounds really difficult to balance everything.

How old are you do you mind me asking? Just as they may impact your order to priorities, but honestly just do what's right for your and your finance. You know how these things always end up happening all at the same time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
FeckTheMagicDragon · 10/11/2021 21:50

Its ok, you can be pregnant and still get married! Any surgery might have to wait, but that’s ok too. I found breast feeding (once I got into it) was a brilliant diet - best I ever looked!

But it was an ovulation test, you may not be pregnant. If you are congratulations and I hope all goes well. If you are not decide if you want to wait until after the surgery and wedding or not.
Flowers

user1471462115 · 10/11/2021 21:51

Isn’t the advice to wait two years after bariatric surgery to get pregnant?

Your body needs time to recover and then to be able to grow a healthy baby and it can’t do that when you are losing weight ie starving

So choose carefully what you do

Haggisfish3 · 10/11/2021 21:53

Have you ruled out pcos and asked to be referred to fertility investigations? I would do those first.

makelovenotpetrol · 10/11/2021 21:56

Losing weight will help your fertility and be beneficial for a safer pregnancy so the surgery would likely be a positive step

Notaroadrunner · 10/11/2021 21:58

Why not just get married asap. No need for a big wedding. Book a registry office and a meal out afterwards for close family. Job done. Then go on your honeymoon and you could be ready to ttc early in the new year. The surgery may just have to wait if it's a thing you are not allowed to ttc for some time after it.

Original poster
alittleacorn · 10/11/2021 22:05

I haven't actually asked about TTC following surgery, we are both mid-late 20's.

OP posts:
Original poster
alittleacorn · 10/11/2021 22:07

I have been referred for fertility checks - I have 12 weekly blood tests and the last one came back with a blood clotting abnormality, which they believe could be the cause for the chemical pregnancies. When the embryo tries to replant, no blood can reach it. On my

I have had scans, and am clear of PCOS and endometriosis x

OP posts:
woohoo54 · 10/11/2021 22:32

Wouldn't be better and cheaper to invest I. A personal trainer for say a year and see the difference rather than take drastic surgery? You'd also not have to deal with the side effect of surgery which may be a quicker fix but would have longer lasting side effects

makelovenotpetrol · 11/11/2021 06:55

@alittleacorn

I have been referred for fertility checks - I have 12 weekly blood tests and the last one came back with a blood clotting abnormality, which they believe could be the cause for the chemical pregnancies. When the embryo tries to replant, no blood can reach it. On my

I have had scans, and am clear of PCOS and endometriosis x

I have that. Are they not treating it? They should be .
anotherwinkywinkybumbum · 11/11/2021 06:59

A scan won't clear you of endo, only a laparoscopy will do that.

So sorry your head is in a muddle Flowers

rattlemehearties · 11/11/2021 07:00

Oh you're so young! Please try to lose weight naturally. And just nip and get married at a registry office - you could probably fit it in before the end of the year if you register the marriage notice asap, it seems strange to have your wedding postponed and then plan so far ahead? What happens if one of you is hit by a bus tomorrow, you're not protected by the contract of marriage?

makelovenotpetrol · 11/11/2021 07:03

After having bariatric surgery you can only eat small amounts to maintain the weight. Why could you not just do that and exercise and avoid major surgery? You're so young I don't see why you'd choose surgery over natural weight loss if the situation with both would mean you need to eat less.

ANameChangeAgain · 11/11/2021 07:05

It sounds as though you have a lot going on, and if you are stressed conception will be harder.
Deal with one thing at a time, but prioritise your health. Your body needs to be in the best of health possible for pregnancy. You are young but if you are very(?) overweight its harder to conceive and your body will be under much more stress when you do get pregnancy. Can you see a private dietician and personal trainer?

Igmum · 11/11/2021 07:06

Sending love OP. I know it may not feel like it but you do have plenty of time. Absolutely get treatment. Please be wary of getting pregnant after surgery. Do speak to your doctors. While you are waiting I had a massive problem with weight and crazy eating. The only thing that worked for me was Overeaters Anonymous www.oagb.org.uk/. It's modeled on AA and is non profit making and volunteer run. It's brilliant for weight loss - I am over 4 stone down and still losing which at my age is a feat, but it mainly focuses on the spiritual and emotional sides of life. Meeting all over the world on zoom. Good luck

GogCymraeg · 11/11/2021 07:07

If I were you I'd look at joining Slimming world, you could loose at least a stone before January and if you did fall pregnant you would be able to carry on with it.

I also lost pregnancies because of a blood clotting problem and took a mini aspirin daily through my last pregnancy and carried to term.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 11/11/2021 07:17

I TTCd for over 2 years before moving to ivf. I know how hard it is.

My advice would be to diet and exercise to loose the weight and save the money for potentially Ivf/fertility treatment. Weight loss is something you can manage without surgery. Infertility is not. You have said you have been cleared for PCOS. Any other tests? LH AMH FSH Thyroid etc? Worth getting those done. Also DP seman analysis done. Of the 1 in 8 couples with fertility problems 1 in 6 are usually male factor. So worth getting checked to know where you stand. Additionally if you do go down the fertility treatment route you will need to be a healthy weight. Not only to be accepted but also to give your body the best chance of it working. Our clinic BMI of 30 was the maximum and they ideally wanted 23-25 to give you an idea of what to aim for. Alongside this you may find if you loose the weight you will conceive naturally. Win win!

Finally.. if looking to continue to TTC be mindful of where you go on honeymoon due to Zika virus. 6 months clear is the advice I think after travelling to a zika prevalent country.

MsTSwift · 11/11/2021 07:27

Maybe wanting to get pregnant could give you the boost you need to change habits lose weight and get fit? The mp Tom Watson was enormously overweight and turned it round his book is good. I wasn’t particularly overweight but intermittent fasting and exercise has changed my habits list 2 stone and kept it off. Appreciate everyone different but with finding of anything like that would work for you?

Rainbowsew · 11/11/2021 07:47

Go with diet and exercise and try and become pregnant.

Bariatric surgery is not without great risk and people think it is an instant cure all. It is not. You are very young to be considering it and it will affect your ability to conceive and carry a child for a long time.

Save the possibility of surgery for many years down the line (if at all) and try some other tips for weight loss first.

Original poster
alittleacorn · 11/11/2021 08:01

Thanks all. I have struggled with my weight all of my life. I am in the morbidly obese category unfortunately. I want to do this surgery having tried so, so many different diets in the past to no avail. I've done slimming world, weight watchers, Keto etc etc. Honestly, almost anything you can think of.

If I don't consider ways to reduce my weight now, I am seriously cutting my life expectancy drastically.

I have had my thyroid checked too and all normal, the clotting issue came back in one set of bloods, but not in the most recent which is strange. I also wonder if perhaps being on the implant for 7 years has really taken its toll on my body. I suffered after my 2nd covid jab too, all my OPK's were positive for over a month, and I didn't get my period for 3 months.

OP posts:
lunarlandscape · 11/11/2021 08:10

I didn't quite understand your post. Do you think you might be pregant?

Why don't you start a peak health and fitness regime to prepare you for the wedding and for motherhood, but one that wouldn't harm your baby if you are pregnant.

Don't go on a restrictive diet. Just eat really healthy fresh food in small quantities. 1800cals a day of mainly veg and lean protein with some complex carbs and fruit would be great for you and the baby and you'd probably lose weight too.

Increase your walking. Do low impact bodyweight training and yoga, avoiding any postures unsuitable in pregnancy.

Original poster
alittleacorn · 11/11/2021 08:31

No I don't think I might be pregnant, but I got a positive OPK which bought back a flood of memories whilst TTC over 18 months. Since my DP and I decided to stop trying, I haven't been taking ovulation tests or anything at all for the last 3/4 months. So I just feel kind of tormented by what if-s.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/11/2021 08:40

I’d get married if that’s what you want. You’re happy, settled, been together years.

Then ask about the ttc implications of the surgery.