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Original poster

I've just lost the plot completely with DS1

30 replies

Spiceup · 10/11/2021 16:39

He's 20yo and wanted a new piece of furniture now he's "entertaining" a longish term GF. (Not a bed if that's relevant).

I agreed to buy it (as it's for the house and something we've been meaning to get for ages) but we agreed he'd be here for the delivery. He works shifts so we arranged delivery for a day when he was starting after I'm home so we had it covered.

As I bought it, all the reminder texts came to me and I forwarded them to him.

I reminded him this afternoon (I know I shouldn't need to) that the space needs to be cleared for delivery tomorrow.

He response, no problem I'll do it later, but you do realise I'm working days tomorrow.

No DS, I didn't. We specifically arranged that day because you said you'd be in and if that's changed why haven't you said so when you got one of the numerous reminders?

Only I was properly screaming at him about how he'd have to find a way to solve this problem and I wasn't doing it for him, this is what being a grown up is about. All reasonable points but I was vile

DS has solved it. He's done a nice favour for his brother in exchange for DS2 making himself available for the delivery. It was the way he first attempted to dump it at my door that made me see red.

So DS does need to step up and take responsibility, but my response was way OTT.

What can I do to manage these outbursts? It's always DS1 who rubs me up the wrong way like this and I can easily see a time when I've driven him away

OP posts:

A580Hojas · 10/11/2021 16:42

How often do you lose the plot with him? Perhaps you'd be happier if he lived elsewhere?

mbosnz · 10/11/2021 16:42

Well, you apologise, of course. And do you know why you're having these outbursts, and why DS1 is always the one copping it? Because that's really not okay. You kinda need to sort that out.

FlorenceNightshade · 10/11/2021 16:44

Just apologise! You’re human, he pissed you off, you overreacted a bit and now you’re sorry. In future if you feel the red mist descending just walk away, get some air, take some deep breaths then pick up the conversation later

Capferret · 10/11/2021 16:47

I had a friend like you. Screamed at her kids when they were young adults.
You're expecting your ds to take responsibility but you're forgetting that you wouldn't shout at other adults like this.
Either you treat him as an adult including respect and discussion or you take all the responsibility yourself.
You can't have it both ways.

Theunamedcat · 10/11/2021 16:48

Is he often like this? That would drive me nuts tbf

If you feel the need to remind him constantly and he ignores it pull back let him "fail" at being an adult doing adult stuff like being responsible for delivery that he wanys/needs/has agreed to be in for he then has to resolve the issue

I think by pulling back you are less likely to get stressed by it allv

Trisolaris · 10/11/2021 17:01

Apologise unreservedly. Not an I’m sorry but.

Recognise that your reaction was entirely disproportionate and apologise for it and don’t try to defend it. Say you will try to do better. Tell him that might also mean that you can’t fix or arrange things for him as much because you need to let him sort things out for himself.

Moonface123 · 10/11/2021 17:01

l dont think its a big deal, l have two sons 16 and 20 these things happen from time to time, l am a single parent they do try and help.
Some of the negative comments on here are probably by people who have yet to experiance this stage. l would apologise to eldest son, he did find a solution. We all forget things at times. It was not intentional.

1forAll74 · 10/11/2021 17:06

Many people,as in parents, will loose their cool with offsprings of this age, or whatever age really. Bad outbursts happen, despite what self rightous people say, that they never have them. !

madisonbridges · 10/11/2021 17:11

Maybe it's always DS1 you lose it with because DS1 is irresponsible and is happy for you to sort it out when he messes up? In which case, maybe DS1 needs to pull his socks up.

mrsbitaly · 10/11/2021 17:11

Give yourself a break it's frustrating and hes old enough to know better but at that age they can be a bit too easy going 😅

Original poster

Spiceup · 10/11/2021 17:14

@madisonbridges

Maybe it's always DS1 you lose it with because DS1 is irresponsible and is happy for you to sort it out when he messes up? In which case, maybe DS1 needs to pull his socks up.

Yes, this is definitely true, but I raised him that way. I don't really know where I went wrong and DS2 is completely different, but it must be at least partly down to me. He's always been like this.

OP posts:

Duchess379 · 10/11/2021 17:15

He's 20. If he doesn't like it, he can move out. I'd be fed up too in your shoes.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/11/2021 17:17

Sounds like peri menopause to me. If not, blame it on your hormones anyway !

Original poster

Spiceup · 10/11/2021 17:22

DS1 was actually lovely after he'd sorted it. Didn't seem to hold it against me and very apologetic over the original "misunderstanding". I even got a hug.

I dread to think what his GF thinks though. I'll be amazed if she volunteers to spend any time here to use the flippin furniture when it arrives!

OP posts:

LadyJaye · 10/11/2021 17:37

I really want to know what the furniture is.

I'm putting money on rowing machine (although it's not technically furniture, I know).

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/11/2021 17:43

Don't beat yourself up about it. Sounds like you did everything you could and he messed up. I'm assuming you've apologised and it might have been the kick up the backside he needed.

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/11/2021 17:47

I dread to think what his GF thinks though. I'll be amazed if she volunteers to spend any time here to use the flippin furniture when it arrives!
Was she there when you were screaming at him?

Original poster

Spiceup · 10/11/2021 17:49

@GreyhoundG1rl

I dread to think what his GF thinks though. I'll be amazed if she volunteers to spend any time here to use the flippin furniture when it arrives! Was she there when you were screaming at him?

It was on the phone. She was with him

OP posts:

campion · 10/11/2021 17:50

Speaking as the mother of 2 adult sons, I'd just give yourself a break.
They can be off the scale annoying and it doesn't harm to let them know occasionally.

Hawtain86 · 10/11/2021 17:57

If it makes you feel better my brother is an absolute nightmare, lazy, selfish and a bully and he was never pulled up by my mum at that age. He's been in so much trouble, he is so entitled he feels like he doesn't even have to work he just gets money off mum. I think part of the reason he's like that is that he was never told off my mum she just did everything for him. It really doesn't help.

I've had a couple of outbursts with my own son I regret but I just apologise, were all human and our emotions can get the best of us some days. Don't beat yourself up. Too many people try and pretend they're perfect.

Summerofcontent · 10/11/2021 17:59

I think my initial response would have been let me know when you order it and I'll transfer you the money.

At least you then know how important it is

Original poster

Spiceup · 10/11/2021 18:04

@Summerofcontent

I think my initial response would have been let me know when you order it and I'll transfer you the money.

At least you then know how important it is

I'll have to admit a large part of why I paid was that I wanted to choose it. It's a sofa for our dining room, where there's a 2nd TV. Currently there's only a single arm chair which doesn't suit them for smooching

OP posts:

TravelLost · 10/11/2021 18:05

@Spiceup

DS1 was actually lovely after he'd sorted it. Didn't seem to hold it against me and very apologetic over the original "misunderstanding". I even got a hug.

I dread to think what his GF thinks though. I'll be amazed if she volunteers to spend any time here to use the flippin furniture when it arrives!

So basically you thought you had a right go at him and were out of line.

He actually finally got the message he had gone too far and really had to be more careful. Because actually you were doing HIM a favour in the first place.

I'd say, move on. Don't dwell on it. With a bit of luck, he has learnt a lesson. When you are fucking annoying with people, they lose their cool (That's what was said on a current thread about a child hitting another because they were annoying after all).

I would try and see if you can develop some techniques to be more assertive though. Starting with giving the whole responsibility back and not babying him (eg reminding him delivery is tomorrow etc...).
Step back and learn to tell him it's his responsobiity. You don't know. He needs to sort it out.

Branleuse · 10/11/2021 18:07

He was an entitled twat. You lost your shit with him. It happens.

ssd · 10/11/2021 18:20

He sounds a decent boy. His mum screams at him down the phone and he still gives you a hug. I'd be grateful he's like this. If you screamed at another adult you might not be so lucky.

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