Is it possible to teach your kids to be a bit more motivated and driven?

[eliot2021]

Sounds like a bit of a harsh title but essentially DC are not very driven. By that I mean that they are really not interested in practicing or getting better at things or doing their best. At most, they will focus on doing things somehow, will do as their friends do but arent really bothered other than that. Granted they are awaiting an ASD assessment so not sure if that would have an impact.

I admit that having reached my 40s, I am also a little bit more focused on just having a nice time than striving and being driven but in part this is because I am a mum with a demanding FT job, so it's nice to just chill in my own free time.

When I mean drive, this isn't simply about grades but anything and everything that requires any sort of practice. For example, it's been really hard to motivate them to learn how to swim, we have basically given up on them learning to ride a bike, but also any team sport such as football as well as things like homework or practicing their spelling. Any tips on how best to encourage them to a little bit more motivated and driven?

If you find out, let me know!

More seriously...
Maybe reading them stories about inspiring people? There’s a book called ‘Different like me: my book of autism heroes’ which could be good if you are already talking to your child about ASD. It has short bios of lots of people who have or probably had autism.

I have 3DDs -13/10/5.

Middle one has Autism. Her and my eldest are very art driven and are constantly sketching/creating. It’s something I have zero clue about because I can’t even draw a stick man!

DD13 does her homework without needing to be asked (so far - she’s in Y9) and is top set for every subject - she’s naturally gifted. At. Every. Subject.

I’m not - I’m a Microbiology student. Couldn’t give a shit about any other subject. I’m 35.

Basically - they will focus on things that interest them. Like their mother As soon as they find something that lights them up, they’ll have no trouble practicing etc because it’s something they love.

DC definitely driven to do things that interest them. However, we also just try to install in them general skills that you need to have even if it's not interesting such as swimming or riding a bike. Or general homework. My kid's attitude is, if they cant do it the first time, they give up. Tried to explain to them that skills are generally things that we develop over time. Nope, no impact

I think it’s normal. I have one who will do the bare minimum and one who loves to work to get praise from teachers and other adults. I try and motivate the former but recognise he has to find his niche in life. I can’t do it for him.

I remember being told this when I was about 15, and it's always been at the back of my mind.

"The choices you'll have in the future will be based on the choices you make now, or to put it another way, when you're old do you want to be able to choose between Waitrose or the Co-Op?"

I think I did take some of that on board, but I'm off to Sainsbury's...

I wish I knew how to teach my dc to be more driven and self motivated but the truth is that I'm not that driven myself, never really have been. Neither is DH. We take it slowly with skills that take practice but sometimes it's better if they see other children or friends doing it and that competitive side comes into play.

My kid's attitude is, if they cant do it the first time, they give up

I think actual drive and ambition tends to be more inate - but getting them past fears and slumps or past extra dificulties with some additional support so they can get good enough to bits of life they can focus on their interests is probably more achievable.

If you suspect ASD there are frequent comorbidities that could be there as well which could be impacting on them and perhaps their confidence to try.

Have a routine of practice poorer skills might help. Our children struggled with reading/spelling and maths - so early in primary school very day we did tasks every day - which they often didn't want to do - bribary and routine helped there.

Little and often can build confidence and get past the I can't do this fear bit. Now they just get on with their homework - I do check and will sit with them if they are struggling but it's them doing it and getting on with it. I can't say if that would have happened anyway but they do know for them hard work does lead to improvements and that helps motivate them.

Sometime need better tools - spelling list are useless for mine so we did apple and pears breaking words down into sounds , learning when and how to add prefixes suffixes and practising. On-line applications with their reward systems suit our children - so maths went from can't do to building from basics with mathfactor - sometimes needing to sit with them - to their favoirte and stromng subject for all of them.

Swimming - they were older than many others with lessons - but we just sent them to lessons and did extra intensive lesson in holidays for few years.

Rest of sports and music practise left more to them and picked battles. They do see us trying to pick up new skills and there example out there on TV and out in life but some people are just motivated and driven.

Lots of food for thought. I guess a lot of drive is innate and perhaps situation dependent. Haven't discovered anything that grabs them above all else at this point, but perhaps it will happen in the future. It's always a bit hard to know how much it's kids being kids and how much it's them potentially having ASD.

I’m one of those people who are either driven by deadlines (panic!) or to please someone or if it interests me.

My dcs are like that.

Also I’ve found that screen time is a big suck of motivation. If I take screens away, the kids will do other stuff. But it’s easy to waste away their life playing games instead!

That's a really great question. I'd always assumed it was differences in the child, and I never really did anything about it. However, as I get older, then I do see and admire children/teenagers that are motivated and want more than just going along with things.

Sadly, I don't have the answer for you :(

Are they boys? Mine all approached things with a view to how little effort they could put into it. I spent ages with teachers at parent/teacher sessions, many of whom enabled this, trying to get them to work to their potential. No joy.

They bumbled along till they got to sixth form, and in one case uni and then things took off. They have now done extremely well. I think its cause they found something that interested them, and they claim cause it mattered now.

I'm writing mainly to give you some hope that things may turn out ok in the end.

Getting into a reasonably well performing school/sixth form also helped thinking about this - mainly cause the teacher's expectations were a lot higher.

Re swimming and riding a bike - your DC could be dyspraxic. That makes tasks which require physical coordination much harder.

I have ASD/ADHD/Dyspraxia - riding a bike I can do but only if I want to injure myself because I’m not good at it, and swimming? Nope.

@Iggly

I’m one of those people who are either driven by deadlines (panic!) or to please someone or if it interests me.

My dcs are like that.

Also I’ve found that screen time is a big suck of motivation. If I take screens away, the kids will do other stuff. But it’s easy to waste away their life playing games instead!

Are you me?

I agree with all of that!

DS2 (8) is motivated if he can find the fun in something. We recently had a breakthrough with swimming. He'd got bored on a repetitive swimming stage and covid restrictions being impractical for fun swimming. In the summer we managed some splash sessions and he found his spark, put more effort and concentration in and has now gone up to a more rewarding stage and seen the improvement.
You can use a breakthrough like that to make other things seem more achievable. I'm still bouyed by swimming at 16, riding a bike at 19 and running at 32

DS1 (11) is harder. He has ASD and resistant to change. Dyspraxia and dyslexia don't help. Things have to be on his own terms. He's very much "pick your battles" and he can shut down even over things he enjoys. I tend to do "here's my advice, take it or leave it". Particularly frustrating when it's over things like physio for knee pain.

Yeeeessss. Technically, it is. It would also be blimmin' hard.

I studied this for my PhD. Look up extrinsic vs intrinsic motivation in education- there's loads of decent articles online. It's about promoting a long term attitude shift and there is some evidence that you can create it- which is why schools are into promoting 'growth mindset' (and if you aren't aware of that, it's worth looking up Carol Dweck and her TED talk etc.). It is problematic- but is probably better taught at home than at school.

Erm- a lot comes from also modelling this behaviour yourself, so that it is their expectation that this is just about how people behave.

Good luck.

Yes, with us everything is on their terms, plus if anything goes wrong - they get incredibly frustrated, quickly reach boiling point and refuse to give it a go next time. Rather than rising to the challenge, they just give up. Same with reading or maths, all we hear is 'I cant do it', well of course you cant, it's completely new topic but why don't we sit down and work it out, absolutely no go.

Definitely not dyspraxic though I know how difficult that can be as DM definitely does have it and absolutely cant do things like driving a car or even tying shoe laces properly.

So frustrating sometimes

The TED talk: m.youtube.com/watch?v=hiiEeMN7vbQ

Only that I’ve read it’s helpful to praise effort rather than result (so they don’t feel like just giving up if they are not great at something straightaway and aren’t afraid of failure)

maybe not dyspraxic to the extent your mum is, but doesn’t mean they are ‘fine’ in that area, could still have some challenges with coordination.
Just because you have an example of someone profoundly affected in your family, doesn’t mean others can’t suffer to a lesser degree. Doesn’t it have a genetic factor?

I cant tell what to do, but I can tell you what not to do:

My parents always pushed me to get the best grades possible and get work experience. BUT...

I was never allowed to spend any money I earned, I had no freedom to do my own things or go out

@JennyDune

I cant tell what to do, but I can tell you what not to do:

My parents always pushed me to get the best grades possible and get work experience. BUT...

I was never allowed to spend any money I earned, I had no freedom to do my own things or go out

And basically although I was pushed was never motivated.

I guess what I am trying to say is, make sure you explain why they need to work hard, and let them have sone rewards when they do

My dc are fairly driven now as teenagers but not when younger. I can’t say this will work for everyone as all dc are different, but I didn’t let my dc give up on anything unless I felt it was getting really bad.
So, they carried on swimming, went cycling and continued with football.
They learnt how their perseverance paid off and were boosted when they did well. Now, they’ll go cycling, go swimming and play football with their friends and enjoy it.
(They did give up with kumon and karate because they genuinely hated it, not just moaning about it)
This then ripples into other areas of their life.

I am not sure. I have never ever pushed either of dc in any meaningful way. I have a DD 18 who is the most motivated child I have ever known (education wise) whatever IT is she has it but god knows where IT came from. She is driven by the desire to do well in her studies and get into the best Uni she can. DS is 17 and coasts a lot, I think he is finally twigging that he needs to get his arse into gear to get into good Unis. Seeing his sisters hard work has helped him enormously.

Mine are similar. In fact my ASD one is super driven but that’s because she has severe OCD and that certainly is not without problems.

For swimming, mine really couldn’t be bothered but when we stayed at a place with a pool they wanted to go all the time and picked it up super fast. It was hot and sunny and seemed way more appealing than schlepping to the pool for half an hour a week. DS12 is just starting to find an interest in sports he likes, for example ultimate frisbee, not exactly something they do at school.

Screens also play a huge role. If we do a screen free week they moan for a couple of days and then do all kinds of interesting things.