Is it possible to teach your kids to be a bit more motivated and driven?

[eliot2021]

Sounds like a bit of a harsh title but essentially DC are not very driven. By that I mean that they are really not interested in practicing or getting better at things or doing their best. At most, they will focus on doing things somehow, will do as their friends do but arent really bothered other than that. Granted they are awaiting an ASD assessment so not sure if that would have an impact.

I admit that having reached my 40s, I am also a little bit more focused on just having a nice time than striving and being driven but in part this is because I am a mum with a demanding FT job, so it's nice to just chill in my own free time.

When I mean drive, this isn't simply about grades but anything and everything that requires any sort of practice. For example, it's been really hard to motivate them to learn how to swim, we have basically given up on them learning to ride a bike, but also any team sport such as football as well as things like homework or practicing their spelling. Any tips on how best to encourage them to a little bit more motivated and driven?

I don't have specific advice on SEN so apologies if this is irrelevant.

But do they ever have to put in any work for normal stuff they benefit from like food, a clean cozy room, or clean clothes for school?

Even if they're very little, they should be involved in some light food prep, given a duster to go round the living room, and help you/their other parent when putting away the laundry for example.

I guess what I'm trying to say is they need to learn that everything we do in life is the result of the effort and work we put in. If you ever have guests overnight are they involved in preparing the house? 'We need to put fresh bedding on the bed and clean the bathroom so granny can come over this weekend'.

Have they ever done some gardening or helped wash a car - seen that it's a long drawn out process from start to finish?

OP "For example, it's been really hard to motivate them to learn how to swim, we have basically given up on them learning to ride a bike, but also any team sport such as football as well as things like homework or practicing their spelling. Any tips on how best to encourage them to a little bit more motivated and driven?"

Do they actually enjoy any of these things? I realise no one can enjoy them all but this is quite a specific list. They might not fancy team sport but might enjoy self defence and/or dance class.

Maths has caused tears in this family so the approach is "do a bit of maths, then we do something fun".

Will definitely try to get better at explaining why they need to persevere. The bike, swimming and football became frustrating for us, because they essentially gave up at the first hurdle and just said that everyone else is better than them, they cant do it and wont do it. Totally not focused on the growth mindset ;-)

@DaisyNGO So I know it sounds a bit weird but I seem to have a kid who doesnt like learning as in they expect to be able to do things right from the word go, if they cant, they give up. Thats true with everything. They all have a tendency of comparing themselves to their peers, especially those who're better than them at something, usually because they've been doing something for quite a while, and just give up because 'they' are better than them.

Yes, with us everything is on their terms, plus if anything goes wrong - they get incredibly frustrated, quickly reach boiling point and refuse to give it a go next time. Rather than rising to the challenge, they just give up. Same with reading or maths, all we hear is 'I cant do it', well of course you cant, it's completely new topic but why don't we sit down and work it out, absolutely no go.

I do remember those days and they were bloody hard - it's finding somewhere to start that they can do - getting then in right frame of mind - (usually this also meant I had to do this not DH who quickly lost patience) and usually lots of bribary.

Long term routine helps as it cuts down on the arguing about having to do said task - I also found having a list of things to tick off helped.

It's finding the little wins that build confidence and for us a program to work though either on-line or book - but something clearly with a way through with things clearly being ticked off.

We also went back to absolute basics a lot of the time much futher than we really expected - usually though the programs placement schemes - so they were finding places of confidence to start from.

Having said that gave up with bike riding and DD1 - can't get her to try again - DH did get other two there in the end though only youngest seems to actually enjoy it.

I think some of it was in the end was lines in the sand for us - they had to be able to read and have basic maths they didn't have to like the process of getting there it just had to be done.

There are many fun on-line things that help and spark other children - but for our practise was the focus not having fun or finding a fun way to do things.

Turns out they do like learning and maths and reading but that came with confidence practice and lots of time. It's also pick your battes what really matter and what can be left at least for now.

[quote eliot2021]@DaisyNGO So I know it sounds a bit weird but I seem to have a kid who doesnt like learning as in they expect to be able to do things right from the word go, if they cant, they give up. Thats true with everything. They all have a tendency of comparing themselves to their peers, especially those who're better than them at something, usually because they've been doing something for quite a while, and just give up because 'they' are better than them.[/quote]
I don't think it's weird at all, I think it's quite common.

I think the best you can do is say "it doesn't matter that Emma is better but you will start to enjoy it too".

Yes, I lie, I still hate maths. I think that's fair enough when they are little.

Why the competition though? Swimming is something you learn for fun?

@Dbank

I remember being told this when I was about 15, and it's always been at the back of my mind.

"The choices you'll have in the future will be based on the choices you make now, or to put it another way, when you're old do you want to be able to choose between Waitrose or the Co-Op?"

I think I did take some of that on board, but I'm off to Sainsbury's...

Was reading this and thought "why were they saying this as if the only available career was working in a supermarket 🤔?"

@eliot2021

Will definitely try to get better at explaining why they need to persevere. The bike, swimming and football became frustrating for us, because they essentially gave up at the first hurdle and just said that everyone else is better than them, they cant do it and wont do it. Totally not focused on the growth mindset ;-)

Mine would say that too. My repetitive phrase was ‘why do you think they’re better? It’s probably because they practice more!’ Which then turned into a lecture all about how no one can do stuff until they try, make mistakes and learn and some people will have to practice more than others and youre probably better at some things that they’re not good at and so on. Hard work!

@ILiveInSalemsLot did it help? DC have been like this for ever. Just don't seem to get that practice, resilience and perseverance get results. Swimming was just an example of them wanting to do a class, then quickly giving up because a few of the other kids could do it quicker than them. Same with football. It was their choice both times.

@eliot2021 it did for mine. They’re hardworking teenagers now and motivated to do well.
It’s a message they’ve heard all their lives. Lots of kids slack off at different times and some kids develop later so by the time Ds1 was 11, he ended up being a better swimmer than some of the kids that were better than him at 8/9.
They did well in tests at school when they worked hard so they learned for work and sport, that hard work pays.
It’s not a quick fix at all. If you’re consistent and keep giving them that message over the next few years, it can work.

Just don't seem to get that practice, resilience and perseverance get results.

Well I don't think children do just "get this" - my children didn't they learnt it with time and their own experiences and sometime from other people like DH and I being an example or modling this behavior or having it pointed out to them regularly.

It helps if they can see progress - so it's measured some how - or you point out how far they have come regularly.

I guess it's like manners they don't usually just happen you model the behavior you want, enourage and prompt them to practsie and hope they also pick them up form wider society you expose them to - it's something you work on for years and years and constantly set out your expectations for acceptable behavior.

I agree motivation is an important trait for kids to learn, and of course they should be encouraged to do their best and make an effort at the things they do, but 'driven'? Really? I think there's a difference between being motivated and being driven, and I find it pretty depressing personally to think of 'driven' kids. They'll be under enough pressure to be driven as adults. Whatever happened to letting kids be kids?

I'll probably get a pasting for saying all this, but all I can say is although my parents always encouraged me to do my best, I'm glad they didn't expect me to be 'driven'. It just wasn't a concept, and yet I still managed to get good results at school and uni and build a good career as did most of my peers.

My DD is exactly the same as your DC. Her lack of perseverance with everything worries me daily.
We constantly have the conversation that to become good at anything you need to practise. It falls on deaf ears

Perhaps the word driven was ill-judged and perseverance is more appropriate. I would just like them to engage with the idea that to get good at something you need to practice and not just give up. Any strategies would be great.

It was their choice both times.

I think you have to not let them drop things too quickly - like, a matter of years for an instrument, for instance. I often say to my kids when getting them to do their music practice that nobody wants to do something they aren't good at, but as you practice you get better, and as you get better it gets more fun and then you actually want to do more of it. Positive feedback loop.

I'm not requiring them to become professional musicians but they are learning (hopefully) various lessons through experience - you get better with practice, sometimes in life you just have to do things you don't want to do, you can learn teamwork through music/drama and not just team sports (which they hate as well).

It's exhausting jollying them along but I try to praise effort, point out how their practice is resulting in being able to play better, and tell them the old joke where someone gets to New York and asks a cab driver "how do you get to Carnegie Hall?" and the cabbie says "Practice!!!"

In general, I believe that motivation and confidence is "caught not taught" and you can only get them by being put in situations where you figure them out for yourself (and, in some cases, by letting them fail in a safe environment like school and then helping them to learn from that failure).