Older people without children

[Nokl]

I don’t have children by choice. A few people have commented that I might regret this when I’m older and don’t have any family. I’ve also heard of other childfree people being told that they’ll regret it and will be lonely when they’re old.

I don’t believe that I will regret not having children, but I do wonder what my life will look like if I make it to old age. I only really know older people with adult children, and whilst they don’t look after their parents in a physical sense, they do a lot in terms of practical help, even remotely. For example my grandfather lives alone, is very immobile and is getting increasingly forgetful. My dad lives 2.5 hours away, but still organises cleaners, online groceries and doctor’s appointments for him. He recently did a 5 hour round trip to drive him to a hospital appointment because there wasn’t any other way of him getting there.

What do older people who don’t have this kind of support do? I know that not all older people WITH children will have support, but of the older people I know/have known, all of them have had a lot of help from adult children as they've aged.

You pay carers etc to do that support for you, kids are expensive so those who are childfree should have the spare cash to do that!

I think you make your own networks, have friends who can help out, or just figure shit out or on your own because you have to.

I know that I do a lot for my parents even though I am 2 hours away because it is easier for me to do it, work it out for them than it is for them to sort it out themselves. I have to be honest and say that I now point them in the direction of a local who can help them, so they now have a cleaner and someone who sorts out their garden and even someone who at a pinch can sort out their tech. I do feel mean, but they are too far away for me to be practically helpful in an every day way and so they need to sort that stuff out themselves. They have just got old, not stupid!

Do you have aunts / uncles who don’t have children? If so, who provides support for them? Depending on the relationship I suspect nieces and nephews might help.

Those of us who don’t have children don’t all have a lot of spare cash, btw.

You can arrange carers but that doesn’t help if your memory goes or if you develop dementia. Unless you already had carers in place who notice you need extra help.

I don't have kids or nieces / nephews. I'm hoping that they'll have invented really good home help robots by the time I need one...

I know a couple of older people with no kids, one sadly lost her son. In both cases they seem more proactive about adapting to ageing, they are looking to move to sheltered accommodation and or already live in a retirement flat where the amenities and support are there if and when they need them. Whereas people with kids stick there head in the sand and just expect their children to help them whether they physically can or not (which is what I have been living through with my parents for the last 10 years).

Many years ago I wrote my dissertation about child free women and old age! The research at that time suggested that older women without children had a more active and wider social circle than those with children. Mainly because they made an effort to create those networks.

Things may have changed in the last 30 years but I work with older people and many of them choose housing options in later life, such as Extra Care housing, where there is a ready-made community.

I work for a church, several older people do not have children and it varies how they deal with the practicalities - those with decent money pay for help and use a solicitor for powers of attorney etc, those without are dependent on social services, in some cases friends and the church.

I would suggest that if you don't have children you must get your paperwork in order and sort out next of kin etc.

I've seen really bad situations for the childless when dementia occurs so it's essential you have good friends

I don't really know any older people without kids. I have an uncle without children but he's only in his sixties so not at the point of needing support yet. Good point about older people without kids being more proactive about their own care though. In my grandparents' cases, they've all still been living in big high maintenance houses that they couldn't cope with well into their 80s instead of downsizing.

I don't have children, and won't be having any to make sure there's someone to care for me in old age! The thing is, having children is no guarantee of them being available to help care for you or advocate on your behalf. They could move across the country, or to the other side of the world.

Or they could be like my older brother, who doesn't live far away but has no interest in my elderly parents, even though my father has dementia and through the pandemic - didn't call or make enquiries about them at all, it's left to me and my sister.

You never know what the future holds, and it's our responsibility to take measures to help ourselves as much as possible. So I guess cultivating a strong social network, living in appropriate accommodation, keeping healthy as much as possible and paying for care when needed.

Other than that there's not much else you can do.

One of my cousins doesn’t have children but he is wealthy. He just chucks money at everything. My lovely friend was an only child and she died a few years ago, her Dad is now 82. He has a lot of assistance from his church. He is going to sell his home and move to a retirement complex with 24/7 on call assistance, again it does need quite a bit of money.

I'm a funeral arranger and one thing I would suggest to you, if you don't have children or siblings, is get yourself a funeral plan sorted. The funeral director's fees will be guaranteed at today's prices (even if you live another 20+ years) and you can make a contribution towards the third party fees (crematorium/cemetery/minister etc). If you've got no support network at least you'll have a respectable funeral and the onus won't be on a friend to try and sort it out/expense it.

@Nokl

I don’t have children by choice. A few people have commented that I might regret this when I’m older and don’t have any family. I’ve also heard of other childfree people being told that they’ll regret it and will be lonely when they’re old.

I don’t believe that I will regret not having children, but I do wonder what my life will look like if I make it to old age. I only really know older people with adult children, and whilst they don’t look after their parents in a physical sense, they do a lot in terms of practical help, even remotely. For example my grandfather lives alone, is very immobile and is getting increasingly forgetful. My dad lives 2.5 hours away, but still organises cleaners, online groceries and doctor’s appointments for him. He recently did a 5 hour round trip to drive him to a hospital appointment because there wasn’t any other way of him getting there.

What do older people who don’t have this kind of support do? I know that not all older people WITH children will have support, but of the older people I know/have known, all of them have had a lot of help from adult children as they've aged.

Are you watching Loose Women by any chance?

@bigbeautwoman yes - but it's a complete coincidence!

Nieces and nephews, I looked after my great Aunt who had no children and I know when the time comes I’ll have to look after my Aunt too.

My aunt has no children and is mid 80s now.
She’s fit as a fiddle and hasn’t needed lots of support to be honest, she lives abroad. We have a very close relationship and she absolutely dotes on my DD (who she’s only met the once due to Covid). She had cancer a few years back and needed an operation and I went out to stay for a few weeks - fortunately she recovered really well and really quickly.

She has loads of hobbies and close friends, and they do provide support. She pays for a cleaner and has some very good neighbours who help out when she needs it, but generally lives a very independent, active life. She does get lonely and down though, and the pandemics and lockdowns didn’t help (stricter where she lives) but I think she always wanted children and it just didn’t work out for her, rather than her making the choice to remain child free which would have been different. She has led an absolutely amazing, exciting and rich life though - it’s hard for her now her days aren’t so full (though she’s still busier and more active than many half her age!)

I'm single, no kids. I intend to move into a retirement community if I make it that far and am able to make that decision for myself.

Not quite what you asked, but I am noticing a pattern with elderly adults in my extended family, where the (adult) children enter into a very difficult pattern of giving more and more help and support but maintaining the fiction that the elderly person in question is able and competent, until long after it's possible to do anything else. So, for example, adult children supporting elderly parents to remain in their homes until they're long past being competent to decide to move to sheltered living or a residential home.

I know this is not the only way things can work out in that relationship between an elderly parent and an adult child - I've known a few people who have quite pro-actively sought support for themselves in early old age, or whose parents did that. But I think it is an issue in modern society, that we have come to see being elderly as somehow something to be resisted, rather than managed.

I get the impression people who don't have such automatic support from a younger generation may deal with this better?

I've seen siblings or friends live together, support from wider family (sibling, nieces and nephews), neighbours, Church community and paid carers where finances allow.

@SarahAndQuack in line with that maintenance of fiction, I regularly see children who know their parents cannot safely drive but fight tooth and nail to try to stop reports to DVLA and allow their wildly unsafe parents from driving to the drs and shops so they didn't have to do more things themselves. Often they won't let the DGC be driven by their parents but are happy for the neighbours to be cannon fodder.

I look after a lady at work who has no family. She and her brother had no children, he looked after her when she got Dementia and then he died. So she now has a Solicitor who has POA, So if she needs anything like new clothes etc, they pay the bill, also for haircuts and other other things. She also has a person appointed as her advocate, (IMCA)who keeps tabs on how she is doing in the Nursing home.

People who don’t have children have a lot more money and time to make good old age provisions

Kids cost ££££ if you put the equivalent amount into pensions snd savings, you are likely better off

There is no guarantee kids will look after you anyway

There are pretty much no guarantees for anything in life

Your choice is valid, and even financially savvy

I don’t know. It is something I’m conscious of, and I am aware that I need to make sure I have a decent social network now, and keep it going, so I don’t end up completely alone. I have an aunt who never had children and is now on her own. She has lots of friends and is still perfectly active and capable, but I’m making sure I stay in touch regularly in case she needs anything.
I don’t think it’s only the child free who need to think about this, though. Many people end up just as isolated if their children move away, or are busy with their own lives, or fall out with them.

My experience of elderly people (both women) with no children in my extended family is that they haven’t made any arrangements, or even thought about what might happen as they get older and unable to care for themselves. They’ve been very resistant to support And then have expected everyone to run round organising and sorting out everything when they can’t manage any more. Very frustrating.

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

No sweeping generalisation there then.

I didn't choose not to have children & I didn't choose to be single at my age (50). Life just fucking happened & sadly that didn't leave me rolling in dosh

It left me coping alone after a life changing accident.