Older people without children

[Nokl]

I don’t have children by choice. A few people have commented that I might regret this when I’m older and don’t have any family. I’ve also heard of other childfree people being told that they’ll regret it and will be lonely when they’re old.

I don’t believe that I will regret not having children, but I do wonder what my life will look like if I make it to old age. I only really know older people with adult children, and whilst they don’t look after their parents in a physical sense, they do a lot in terms of practical help, even remotely. For example my grandfather lives alone, is very immobile and is getting increasingly forgetful. My dad lives 2.5 hours away, but still organises cleaners, online groceries and doctor’s appointments for him. He recently did a 5 hour round trip to drive him to a hospital appointment because there wasn’t any other way of him getting there.

What do older people who don’t have this kind of support do? I know that not all older people WITH children will have support, but of the older people I know/have known, all of them have had a lot of help from adult children as they've aged.

@pianolessons1

You pay carers etc to do that support for you, kids are expensive so those who are childfree should have the spare cash to do that!

A lot of people don't have children because they can't afford it. So don't have spare cash.

My mum had power of attorney for her child free aunt. My great aunt never married and lived with her sister who also never married. The sister died earlier and my great aunt lived for years on her own. My mum and me would visit but she was a very independent person.

I do think she went into sheltered accommodation much earlier than my grandparents for instance who relied on children and grandchildren much more to pick up the caring duties at home. (It was given freely but latterly was quite a lot of work)

My great aunt seemed quite pragmatic about it. She could see that she wouldn't be able to cope living independently in the future so actively chose a lovely apartment style setting that had support if she needed it. She lived there until the very last few months of her life where she was moved to a nursing home for more medical care.

My mum did have a lot of responsibility for her aunt but there was less expectation from her aunt compared to her parents. It did feel like my great aunt, as she had in life, made an independent decision that suited her situation a little earlier than she may have done had she had children.

She also had a good network of friends who supported her but also was quite close to her friend's children who would also visit and help with shopping and so on.

I think it's about creating a community as much as you can while making plans in advance knowing you won't have children who will step in to support. Same goes for those with children and that option isn't available for whatever reason.

Children are no guarantee of being taken care of - I’ve known elderly relatives still trying to care for their children due to disabilities or illness. I’ve known relatives without children to be cared for by siblings/nieces etc and have generally found them to be pragmatic about moving to bungalows and joining churches and social clubs for support.

I agree with pp about people often not being pragmatic enough about ageing - MIL is in a completely unsuitable house in the middle of nowhere, no community, where she’s completely isolated which is dreadful for her mental and physical health and it drives me potty.

@pianolessons1

You pay carers etc to do that support for you, kids are expensive so those who are childfree should have the spare cash to do that!

There's that Also we help elderly neighbours We're a long way from parents and they all have networks of local contacts who help The church here do a lot (London).

My dad is one of the last people still driving in his age group...he has had to say no to giving lifts for social reasons as he had some piss takers but he will still take people to doc apointments

Not all of these people are childfree but your DC aren't guaranteed to live near.

The childless elderly relatives in my family are usually looked after by their younger siblings, so that’s sometimes a possibility. If you don’t have younger siblings or children, hopefully you’d have more distant relatives who would check in from time to time.

I know some do slip through the cracks but usually someone steps up if they are close by!

I no longer have parents, or a sibling, and have no kids. I have a fairly recent boyfriend, who is lovely, but there's no guarantee what could happen in the next few years - we could split up or stay together until we're very old. We have no plans to live together.

I wanted children but didn't meet anyone to have them with, and now I'm too old. I've built a good friend network of all ages, and my best mate is my will executor and POA should she need it. I've told her she needs to use my estate to pay a probate solicitor if I go before she does - given my family history that's probable.

I'm not even 50 yet (not far off) but regularly do "death cleanses" and am planning on moving to future-proof my life when I get older - probably to a bungalow as there are loads where I live. If I do live to be very old, then I'll appoint an advocate - the one and only thing I worry about is if I lose my faculties and end up in care - I don't want to end up in a dodgy care home being mistreated.

I think forward planning whether you have kids or not is definitely something more people should do. My grandad really should have moved to a lower maintenance home or assisted living flat years ago rather than trying to remain in a large 4 bedroom house.

If you own rather than rent then equity release might be a more interesting option if you don't have children you want to leave an inheritance to (I say 'may because other people might want to leave things to other loved ones or charities). If you release the equity then it can be used for paid care.

i used to work in a care home years ago. A few residents had dementia, and others were a little frail and needed help with some things.. A few of the dementia residents had sons or daughters who never bothered to visit them, and same for the frail people, some never had their adult children to visit. I would meet a few of the oldies offsprings, when they first put a parent in the home, and never see them again,until some end of life situation arose.

@Zilla1

I've seen siblings or friends live together, support from wider family (sibling, nieces and nephews), neighbours, Church community and paid carers where finances allow.

@SarahAndQuack in line with that maintenance of fiction, I regularly see children who know their parents cannot safely drive but fight tooth and nail to try to stop reports to DVLA and allow their wildly unsafe parents from driving to the drs and shops so they didn't have to do more things themselves. Often they won't let the DGC be driven by their parents but are happy for the neighbours to be cannon fodder.

YY, that's exactly the sort of thing I am thinking about!

It's years ago now, but where I used to live, the local GP extracted a promise from my friend's very elderly grandfather that he would never drive on the A road but only the little local roads to the shop, on the grounds it would preserve his independence.

The reality, though, is that if someone is an older person with no kids, no relatives, no friends and no money, then they don't get to live that old.
Much greater odds of any serious health crisis being fatal.

There's a reason why old widows/widowers are at high risk of dying within a year of their partner's death. It's not just about broken hearts, it's really hard for old people to survive on their own.

Kids are no guarantee to be looked after, but friends, relatives and/or paid help are a must.