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Original poster

Tell me why your long term friendships ended

85 replies

Dragonfire282 · 10/11/2021 10:11

I have a friend who I've known since I was 16. 25 years of friendship is rapidly going down the pan. She's become very distant, im trying to keep things going but it's a 2 way street and I'm getting very little back. I'm upset, confused. I need to accept that friendships drift and maybe it's just time to move on. If you've lost a close, long term friend why did it end? Particularly if you've just drifted apart. Was there an argument, conversation or did it just slowly change to nothing?

OP posts:
BarefootHippieChick · 10/11/2021 10:18

My long term friend of 30 years just became more distant, forgetting to call or reply to messages, constantly cancelling arrangements last minute because something better came along, forgetting important events that we would never have forgotten before. Yes, at the time it really hurts, but over time you realise people change and friendships won't always last forever. My friendship group now is amazing and has made me realise just how toxic that friendship really was.

Original poster
Dragonfire282 · 10/11/2021 10:27

BarefootHippieChick thanks for your reply. I'm in the middle of what you described. I think I need to back off and see if she contacts me, its this horrible, weird, not knowing feeling that I'm struggling with but I don't feel brave enough to ask directly. I do need to move on.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 10/11/2021 10:29

She put drugs and her dickhead druggy boyfriend before her kids and it was painful to watch her being so selfish. Very sad but it completely changed how I saw her. Think she was having a mid life crisis but I was pregnant and didn’t want the stress of worrying about who she was shagging behind her husbands back this time.

Noshowlomo · 10/11/2021 10:29

So I imagine that’s nothing like you OP x

EileenGC · 10/11/2021 10:31

I wouldn’t say I lost the friendship but we just slowly drifted apart. I would message and not get a reply, or it would only be a few days or weeks later. At one point I decided to stop messaging to see what would happen. She didn’t ever message about anything. If she did she never asked how I was or what was going on with me, it was always about her.

We still meet up once or twice a year when I bother arranging it if I’m in her area, but the friendship is mostly gone. We still ‘support’ each other from the distance and she’s lovely to have a catch up with, but we don’t talk about much on a regular basis anymore. It’s more an acquaintance type of relationship rather than a friend now.

Dropcloth · 10/11/2021 10:31

I think truly lifelong friendships are rare, unless among people who for some reason change, or change their circumstances, very little over the course of their lives.
.

Original poster
Dragonfire282 · 10/11/2021 10:32

Noshowlomo that's awful, definitely best to put that friendship behind you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dragonfire282 · 10/11/2021 10:34

EileenGC that's interesting, maybe that's the shift I need to facilitate. I really don't want to lose touch entirely or have a falling out. I think I'll back off and see what happens.

OP posts:
SandysMam · 10/11/2021 10:35

I have a friend who I’m not contacting so much anymore because every meeting is such hard work. Always complains in restaurants (much worse since Covid), is rude to staff and just generally makes going out a chore. Once a friendship stops being fun, unless there is a good reason such as bereavement or depression, I think it’s fine to duck out if you no longer gain from it, there is no obligation for friends like there is family. Are you sure your friend doesn’t find you a bit of a drain?

disconnecteddrifter · 10/11/2021 10:37

Depression and life events. I couldn't respond or be a friend and then I was embarrassed I'd been so shit. Then too nervous to reach out.

ShirleyPhallus · 10/11/2021 10:40

I’ve drifted away from a friend, because shes my friends from school and only ever wants to talk about school and us being teenagers etc. Not serious enough to actually dump her but I have gradually responded less and less to her texts.

Did the same thing to another friend who only ever wanted to talk about herself and rarely asked after me. So I stopped asking her how she was and then that went by the by.

It’s absolutely fine for friendships to fade, I’m still in touch with both these people but just don’t put any energy in to it

Panda8383 · 10/11/2021 10:41

I fell out with my friend of 20 years, I was always the single one..so I always done things that suited her and when she wanted, it was always on her terms. I met my now husband after being single for over 10 years..got pregnant quite quickly..still made an effort to see my friend but that wasn’t good enough…she said I had changed..yes I was now in a relationship and was focusing on me and doing what I wanted rather than please everybody else…when I met hubby she became single and that was the first time in our friendship she was single! She ruined my surprise baby shower and other things out of spite..it was alright for her to cancel on me but the one time I tried to rearrange coz hubby was in hospital she sent me a cheeky message so that was the icing on the cake for me! I know she’s telling people it was all my fault but the folk that know her and me know the truth

DazedWifelet · 10/11/2021 10:43

I got married and had kids. She didn't. She gradually drifted away then went full NC.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 10/11/2021 10:47

No argument but she behaved horrendously when she was my bridesmaid (i wouldn't mind but i'd been hers and jumped through all sorts of hoops, my wedding was pretty basic and she was asked to do incredibly little.)
It was so bad my mother called my husband to vent/scream on the morning of my wedding.

During wedding planning it became very apparent she was unhappy with her own life choices and was not happy for me at all.

I realised she drains me and is incredibly joyless so i dropped the rope.

morechocolateneededtoday · 10/11/2021 10:57

She behaved awfully when I was getting married (I am not referring to her being lazy, she tried humiliating me in front of everyone more than once in the run up to my wedding, once on my actual hen night). She made up a lame excuse to try justify her behaviour.

I then realised that it had been me putting in the majority of the effort into maintaining the friendship the 4 years prior to getting married - initiating all contact, constantly changing my plans to meet up with her because she suddenly realised at the last second she was not free and I really wanted to catch up, me always going to her rather than the reverse

I see her every now and then because we have mutual friends but will only make small talk when we meet. I was devastated at the time - especially after the way she treated me at my hen night. The prospect of losing someone who I was previously so close to terrified me and I tried so hard to fix it with her but I have since realised how much better life is without running after her all the time.

EileenGC · 10/11/2021 10:59

@disconnecteddrifter

Depression and life events. I couldn't respond or be a friend and then I was embarrassed I'd been so shit. Then too nervous to reach out.
Just wanted to add, if you were my friend I’d still love for you to get in touch, even if it was to say you were now doing better. I too have struggled with depression and know how hard it is so I would never begrudge anyone taking time to look after themselves first and foremost Flowers

I’ve been that shitty friend sometimes and I hope people weren’t annoyed when I reached out months or years later to say I hope they were doing alright.

piratehugs · 10/11/2021 11:09

I had a good friend for 30 years, but he was always flaky, cancelling at the last minute and no good at conversations by text. My DP (and my ex-DP) told me repeatedly to give up on the friendship but I didn't want to as we were close (when he turned up for stuff). Eventually he said he was moving away. I tried to arrange a meet-up before he left but he cancelled so I said I would leave it with him to rearrange. He didn't, he moved away, and I decided it was finally time to call it a day. No fuss, just didn't contact him again. Maybe we will have another period of rekindled friendship in the future, maybe not. I've made my peace with it. It was him, not me!

DanceForeverUnderTheLights · 10/11/2021 11:09

Bestie of over 20 years. She got a new fella. Brought him with her every time we met up, then started cancelling plans or was too busy to meet up. Eventually, she would takes days to answer texts, so I just stopped bothering. Don't think she noticed. I was devastated.

zonky · 10/11/2021 11:10

It's really hard to make friends as an adult, at least I've found...there isn't enough time/inclination/energy to invest in to people the way it used to be when I was younger.

I've moved around a fair bit and lost childhood friendships; university friends also drifted once everyone returned/moved on to other places from the university.

I don't think it's 'inevitable' that friendships change/drift... Most people' don't discard their immediate families even if the relationship within the family dynamic changes, they maintain contact/keep trying... It's got to be very extreme.

HelplesslyHoping · 10/11/2021 11:11

My long-term friend drifted away when I moved away and got married and I think it was because she was stuck living at home with her parents. There was no argument or even snide comments to each other but she did post some terrible things on social media on my wedding day- but that's another kettle of fish.

I have other friends from my teens who I chat with a handful of times each year and occasionally meet up with. It's nice to have someone to chat to and to occasionally call without the work of a constant close friendship.

It's very normal for friendships to ebb and flow and if you don't see each other often or you're both doing different things in life it's natural that you'll have less interest and time for each other. It may just be that at the moment you're better off being there for each other distantly than constantly.

Fl0w3ry · 10/11/2021 11:14

I’m in this position with an old friend now. I don’t hear from her so much, when I do she name drops all the people she has spent time with which makes me feel even more pushed away and left out, she seems annoyed if anything is positive in my life (but endlessly brags about her own life) and if anything bad is happening in my life she makes me feel worse about it and can’t hide the smile from her face. I feel like I don’t recognise her anymore. Her company makes me feel crap about myself. I haven’t contacted her for a while, and she hasn’t contacted me either. I think sometimes things just run their course. It’s hard to let go of how things used to be, but you have to eventually realise those times have gone, the person has changed and it’s time to let go.

Lottapianos · 10/11/2021 11:15

I was the one who pulled away. Seeing her became more and more hard work. I felt I was doing all the heavy lifting in the friendship and wasn't getting much back from her. I knew that she was getting a lot from the friendship but I just wasn't. Plus she had one baby and then another and I didn't handle it well - I was overcome with envy and sadness, not that she knew. Plus a controlling husband (hers) who couldn't stand me. Our lives had been very similar, and then they became very different, and the friendship didn't survive - that's the short version of the story anyway! I was devastated, hurt, very sad, but also extremely relieved when it ended

LucentBlade · 10/11/2021 11:20

Two were because they got wrapped up with their boyfriends, both had been very long term unlucky in love and I had listened for hours to their woes. One well we just drifted apart, the other sent me a horrible message. I am pretty sure her BF didn’t like me at all plus she had told me some stuff like he was shouting at her and that she wasn’t allowed the heating on at home if he wasn’t there. I told her he was being abusive, which he was and then that’s when the msg arrived. I was
apparently unsupportive.

The other could have been salvaged if we had wanted to try hard enough. If I’m honest that friendship had run it’s course, my friend had developed some views that are the polar opposite of mine. I have friends who have different views, it’s usually fine but this one was just too hard for me. She was also a hoarder who had asked me over the years for help, I had always said yes I can help just let me know but she was never going to change, it meant I just couldn’t eat at her house. In the end I didn’t even want a drink there, this was hardcore hoarding not just a bit messy. She had a lot of problems, she was definitely the victim in many but was also the protagonist in others.

Siriisatwat · 10/11/2021 11:23

20 years, from 14-34.

She was just a cow and one day, I finally had enough of her low level bullying and cut her out.

Alicesweewonders · 10/11/2021 11:24

A friend from school, over 20years of friendship gone. I realized it was me who always made the effort to arrange a meet up or go to her's, she always made promises to do so & it never happened.

I stopped making the effort and our friendship slowly disappeared. I wanted to be proved wrong, but sadly I was right.

It hurt a lot. I was angry & bitter about it for a time tbh. Watching her on social media have time for other friends & event's that she never made for me.

I'm at peace with it now, thankfully. Realising it was never really the friendship that I thought it was.