Tell me why your long term friendships ended

[Dragonfire282]

I have a friend who I've known since I was 16. 25 years of friendship is rapidly going down the pan. She's become very distant, im trying to keep things going but it's a 2 way street and I'm getting very little back. I'm upset, confused. I need to accept that friendships drift and maybe it's just time to move on. If you've lost a close, long term friend why did it end? Particularly if you've just drifted apart. Was there an argument, conversation or did it just slowly change to nothing?

Mine didn't stick up for me when another friend of hers and friend of my ex husband told lies about me in a group setting.
They were so untrue that I just for the life of me can't understand why she didn't speak up.
Not in an aggressive way but in a "well John I'm not sure that's correct. Let's not discuss that" way.

Shes either a coward or believes there's an element of truth to it, and I don't look for either of those things in a friend.

After 15 years of what started out as an equal friendship, progressing to supporting her through all sorts of personal, professional, emotional and dc difficulties (mostly self-inflicted) she went on a drugs and depressive downward spiral that I finally ran out of energy, heads pace, solutions and sympathy for.

I heard from her recently - well, a several page email about her woes (again, mostly self-inflicted and the repercussions thereof) - and I replied saying my dp has had a cancer diagnosis so I'm not going to be available for lunches etc. Her single-sentence response was 'so things are a bit shit for you too then'...

I'm done.

My best, closest, most steadfast friend of 15 years' standing dumped me within 2 weeks of my getting a medical diagnosis which was going to require her to put herself out a bit to help me.

We lived 100 miles apart and over the 15 years we were best friends she had been a weekend guest in my house at least 30 times, totalling about 100 nights. I'd done all the usual thing a host did, making up her bed, cleaning her room, feeding her and being generally solicitous of her needs.

She always came to mine because her paid work occasionally took her to my city, and I had a spare room for her. (The few times I visited her and her husband and kids I stayed in a hotel as they had no space for me.)

Fast forward to recently. Her children have all left home. I developed a medical condition and needed to stay in a specialist unit which by sheer coincidence is close to her house. The surgeon said I had to have someone collect me from hospital and ideally look after me for a couple of days near-ish to the hospital, in case of any complications. Naturally, as I had hosted my friend for about 100 nights, I thought she might be happy to visit me in hospital, then collect me from hospital on the Friday and host me for the weekend. I'd then go home by train early the next week.

Instead she dumped me, by letter.

I was utterly devastated. When I posted about this I was told it was outrageous to have expected her to look after me, and that even after hosting her for about 100 nights and 15 years of friendship (listening and commiserating with her about her marital and parental and career problems) she owed me NOTHING.

She never contacted me again (5 years).

My BFF I met at school, we've been friends over 30 years through all sorts of life events and experiences, I know we will absolutely be friends for life.

18 year friendship,were a group of friends but this particular one completely ghosted us after 11 years for 18months after leaving her partner and 9 year old for another man,in this time 2 of us had babies she knew about,grovelled to be allowed back into group when babies were one,all gave in and she started to do the same again 6 years later,I gave her an absolute mouthful and cut the friendship dead,other 2 members of group did the same off their own backs.Our little threesome group have now been friends for 26 years.

Another dumping is rather more amusing, in a way.

My best friend since age 7. I dumped her when we were 21 after I found out she'd offered my boyfriend sex and had tried to "steal him" away from me.

Years later I forgave her and we got back together in our 40s. Everything was going perfectly, and I was relieved to have my bestie back again.

Then, beause of Facebook, I reconnected with an old boyfriend from my teens (a different one from the one she tried to sleep with). I told her he'd found me on FB and we'd been chatting, and were going to meet to have a laugh about old time, and she instantly blocked me, refused my phone calls, etc - a total blanking. I even phoned her mother, who promised to get her to ring me and tell me what's wrong. She didn't.

I met up with the ex boyfriend and during a long chat about old times he told me that she'd asked him to "take her virginity" - and he'd obliged.

No wonder she went NC.

Met this couple at prebirth classes. We both had boys and became friends. Went on holidays together, shared a villa.

Over the years our sons fell out but we remained friends. They used to cancel many arrangements that we made, usually a few days before.
Eventually they became very very wealthy and dropped us.

Their method of doing this was to say yes to an
arrangement to meet up and then cancel. "We've been invited to a party so we have to cancel coming to dinner".

Not sure why I was so thick not to realise they were trying to escape the friendship.

Eventually I left a text message i say, hope all is well with you. If you have time for a chat it would be lovely to catch up.

This was ignored. Which was fine

6 months later I had a call from them to say hello. Didn't suggest meeting up

6 months after that I had a text to say they had news of an engagement and new baby in their immediate family.
I sent a card but no gift

I'm still sad about all this as they were good friends for a long time.

@UhOhOops

My BFF I met at school, we've been friends over 30 years through all sorts of life events and experiences, I know we will absolutely be friends for life.

Good for you, but not really the point of the thread, is it?

When my dd was 15 and my friend's Dd phoned her because my Dd had got drunk. Instead of alerting me or bringing Dd home, she told her Dd that it wasn't their responsibility.

That was the end for me. I walked away without looking back.

I married a wonderful but wealthy man and she was my only bridesmaid but after our wedding she never contacted me again.
I was absolutely devastated and spent many years wondering what I had done so wrong on my wedding day to push her away but now I realise she was jealous and obviously was never really the person I thought she was or she would have been happy for him and I .
I think her life wasn't what she thought it should be and I suddenly wasn't single and at her beck and call all the time .
I was so sad for a very long time but now I feel nothing at all about her .
We were friends for 15 years but I obviously wasn't worth enough to be happy in her eyes or be cherished by my lovely dh .

I drifted away from one friend while my dc were young as she found it very difficult to be around them as she wanted dc and didn't have any, so for a long time the life stages we were in were a bad fit. My life was dominates by the dc and work, hers by work and travel. I was broke, she was earning loads. We just about kept in touch and eventually we are good friends again with lots in common but we took probably 10 years out, possibly more. It seems strange now that we had that time apart, but we needed it. I've known her since we were both 7 and it means a lot we have that shared history.

I ghosted 3 friends:

1. Had a child from a 1 night stand, and didnt want to try having relationship with the father, despite father wanting to make a go of having a relationship/family (i was friends with both).

1. Used recreational marijuana.

1. Was always jealous / giving negative compliments.

1. Asked not to tell me about her periods in such detail.
2. Asked that she not distract my pet.
3. She criticised my child and my parenting /household.
4. A really silly one. Is on an exes FB.

@SunshineCake1 what pet do you have? And why cant it be distracted?

@disconnecteddrifter

Depression and life events. I couldn't respond or be a friend and then I was embarrassed I'd been so shit. Then too nervous to reach out.

If you were my friend I would welcome you back .

@SunshineCake1 thank you. I have had many miscarriages before and during lockdown. 2 over 16 weeks. I sort of went into myself and didn't bother telling anyone I was pregnant by the end of them. I'm so broken still although I'm making an effort to go out with anyone who asked I now have social anxiety and sometimes cancel. Plus I used to be fun and outgoing and now just hate myself deep down, I feel I must be boring or deficit. I am lucky to have a few friends feom school days who know some of it and are there for me but we all live so far apart. My more local friends who I've also known over ten years have moved closer to each other and have weekends away without inviting me and it hurts so I disengage even though they are nice to me individually. I'm not strong enough for the perceived rejection yet. Maybe one day I will be

[quote JennyDune]@SunshineCake1 what pet do you have? And why cant it be distracted?[/quote]
A dog while going to the loo. She likes to have her space and if she's approached or talked to she just walks further away. Doesn't make for an easy collection of the poo in the woods!

So sorry to hear that @disconnecteddrifter. I can emphasise a bit. It really does suck. Focus on getting healthier and stronger foe yourself. The rest will come.

I've lost several through them having kids (I don't ) - no arguments, just drifted apart.

Lost one in my twenties who went out with (and later married) a very recent ex who I'd had to split up with due to caring duties. 25 years later he's tapping me up on Facebook (knob).

Recently ghosted one of my oldest friends of 44 years because she got sucked into a MLM and I just got so sick of her trying to pimp Body Shop shite at me. Her and her husband are self employed (entertainment industry) under a limited company and didn't get any help during Covid, so I got the sob story about how they were skint. Not skint enough to stop them buying a lockdown puppy though. We had a heated discussion when I said that why should the government support someone who doesn't pay NI or less tax - if you want to take out then you should be putting in. Not heard from her since, and it's a relief, to be honest.

Mine ended in each case because I got sick of being an afterthought or being let down all the time. I think it suited them to think that my role was just to be there when they wanted me. I've been much much happier without them in my life.

One of my absolute best friends just ghosted me one day. I tried to send her a message and noticed it didn't go through. After realising I'd been blocked I got on with my life but felt so much grief for the loss.
She did get back in touch with me after about a year or two to tell me she had just been diagnosed with cancer, but never apologised or explained herself for ghosting me.

My BF of over 30 years. Always unreliable but I put up with it.
Supported her heavily through divorce and death of parents. Did have a tantrum because I wouldn’t take a long haul flight whilst heavily pregnant for her wedding as i didn’t need to tell anyone and just sneak on the flight (I was enormous).
Meant to be coming to ours for Christmas as nowhere else to go and stood us up as had a better offer. Rang a week later and then was annoyed as I wasn’t free that minute for a ‘5 minute visit’, no mention of Christmas.
Next time I heard from her it was to see if I would pay for a holiday for her to visit us. She had a new husband and I do wonder if some of it was him.

I think this is a great question @Dragonfire282

I had a musician friend of 20 years that I seem to have fallen out with - after a series of messages about everyday things I decided to be really honest with him about finding him selfish, pre-occupied and lacking in openness - for instance - I asked about his now grown up kids now and again and he's never very open about anything - he never seems interested in me or my life - it's like the world revolves around him and the conversations always fall back to him and the things he wants to talk about; he cherry picks from my messages and ignores that might involve him having to think about me and my life. I wasn't honest in a brutal or rude way - I always think that good friends should be able to be frank with each other - I know his kids well, known them as friends of my kids and taught them privately - they are bright, interesting people but they are err.. challenging for some people to appreciate perhaps or were - they are growing up and changing - like my kids - they have both graduated now and moved on - I am a very family/parenthood/relationship oriented guy - I don't just want to talk about music, guitars, songwriting, recording, gear, etc. It became clear immediately that he didn't like what I said - in 20 years we never had an argument - I still don't regret anything I said - I thought he needed to hear it and to know how he comes across - he stopped all communication - it was last year during the early part of the first lock-down so we weren't seeing each other. After a few weeks I sent a few messages - trying to carry on as normal - and I've continued to but he's very to reply and then only writes minimal responses or not at all. I'm a little surprised as I know he's actually a guy capable of being thoughtful, understanding and sensitive. If things had been the other way around I'd have been quick to apologise and reflect. I do think a little less of him because of his reaction but we've been friends and I'm prepared to try and continue - it feels like it will never really be repaired and that he'll never want to talk about it. It does make me think perhaps there were issues he had with me that he never voiced. God knows. The relationship seems to me to be over even with me continuing to send messages just as I have in the past. maybe he;ll com round but if he doesn't want to talk about what's gone on then for me - the friendship doesn't mean as much. That's my story.

My long-standing friendship of 40 years (from age eight to 48) ended because it just became very hard work.

Over the years, she and I could have differing opinions about anything I.e., matters regarding our families, attraction to partners, where we wanted to eat, politics, which university and university degree was better, anything and we had the space to air our opinion and we would hear each other out. On many occasions, we could understand each other's point of view and sometimes change, or meet in the middle or disagree totally but respect each other anyways.

Over the years, she's gone quiet extreme in all her viewpoints (politically far left then far right!!) and slowly she stopped having discourse and became judgmental and started shouting me down for everything. Suddenly, my political leanings were wrong, my choice to be a divorcée and mother was shameful and I was wrong for remarrying, it was wrong that I became a SAHM, it was wrong when I returned to work, even my choice of food and my hairstyle was wrong, she criticized my parenting and on and on...it wasn't that I minded disagreeing because we often did but she just didn't want to hear me but was definitely more inclined to constantly tell me that she was more enlightened than me and the human race. I felt like I was being repeatedly punched over and over again. I couldn't take anymore.

She was my first friend when I moved to our neighborhood and we used to laugh and have so much fun together over the years. It did break my heart to tell her that I simply couldn't be friends with her anymore and she wasn't happy but accepted it. She actually said she would miss me and that was that.

Our mutual friend, whom I've been friends with for 43 years and still going strong, said the friend did take on what I said over the last day to heart and has stopped and evaluated her behavior. She's still extreme in all her views but less so now. Maybe because I was one of many people who walked away.

She turned out to be a total cunt. Never had a single nice thing to say about anyone at all. She went over the top to be a knob to people.... said a mutual "friend" (he was a friend to me, but for some reason she hated him) that was disabled and used crutches... she expressed wishes for him to fall down stairs and die from a broken neck. Yet, she would be as sweet as pie to his face.