Invites to weekend long events for birthdays, hen weekends once in late 30s/40s

[PlaymobilMania]

Friend has invited me to a spa break early next year for her 40th.

Cost will be £200ish, plus there will be some extras plus obviously transport as it is not local. Then another friend has now suggested we all chip in £50 for a gift.

Also it involves 2 nights away from the family (I have young DC) which is probably more of an issue than the money to be honest.

DH is supportive and great with DC, but realistically I only get one or two free weekends each year to go away and do as I please without DC. And limited spare money to spend on myself. If I am being honest spending the weekend at a spa with my friend and a load of her mates (who I'm sure are lovely but I don't know them and they are not my friends) is not really my first choice of what to do with my (limited and very precious) free time and money.

Also I know several people turning 40 next year as all my school friends were 1982 babies, and I simply won't be able to go to a spa weekend for everyone, so not sure how to deal with any other invitations?? Do most people do things like this for their 40ths?

Friend is a good friend, I do value her. However she's never married or had DC herself, so I don't think she quite understands how precious free time/spare money is once you have DC.

Also I feel bad as friend has dutifully come along to everyone else's hen dos, weddings, baby showers etc (although to be fair I didn't have a hen do or baby shower myself, I just had a smallish local wedding) so I guess she now feels it is time for her to have her moment, which is fair enough but difficult as several of our friends are married with kids now so its a different ball game these days.

How to other people deal with these invites? As I say I genuinely want to be there for my friend and I want her to have a great Birthday, its just so difficult once you have kids and different to the hen do invites I got in my 20s when I was fancy-free

Oh and also to add that I have been informed we have to room share at the spa weekend - I HATE room sharing with anyone except DH or DC and never sleep well, so it will be a weekend without sleep for me too.

Also have lots of 40ths this year and several hotel / abroad ones. Could you go for a day only? Or one night? It does sound a shame if your friend has gone to everyone else’s events but people’s time is too precious to go to hers…

I was almost on the fence until your final point. Absolutely no way I'd be sharing and I'm sure a few others going will feel the same.
That aside, it is a lot once you're less foot loose and fancy free.
Just say you you won't be able to make it as the cost and logistics don't work for you. Suggest a smaller catch up at another time.

@Pizzapizzaz I think my post has come across wrong. My time is not too precious for her - I love spending time with my friend.

Just wondering how do people with young DC handle it if you are invited to several all weekend parties once you have young DC?

I don't have kids, and just because I went to people's weddings, hens, showers etc. doesn't mean I'd ever assume or expect people to be able to attend something I arranged. I fully understand people have busy lives and competing demands on their money and time.

£50 is what I’d imagine spending on the group gift not per person!
Also why is 40 a big birthday

I think you’re astute to note that your friend has shelled out endless money and weekends on celebrating her friends’ various milestones, but hasn’t been celebrated herself. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but if you’re going to go to anyone’s 40th birthday weekend then I would say go to this one.

Other than birthdays, society does nothing to celebrate the milestones and accomplishments of single people. Decide to marry someone? = Engagement party, hen party, wedding. Have a baby? = Baby shower, then more gifts when baby is born. Land an amazing job or significant promotion? = Nothing. Make the brave decision to end an unhappy marriage? = Social awkwardness, judgement, lost friendships etc.

I try to do my bit to redress this - spa weekends to celebrate a divorce, drinks to celebrate their promotions etc. But showing up for your single friend’s birthday is probably the biggest way you can celebrate them.

Our weekends are so busy with family stuff. I really value them and need that time at home with us all there. I give that up very rarely and never the whole weekend.

I would go to the spa for the day and not stay personally.

I don't like spas with other people, but I'd put up with that for the sake of friendship. However room sharing would be a deal breaker for me - the only person I will share a room with is DH.

Can you go for one night only? Or just for the day, and explain that you are very keen to celebrate with her but cannot afford a whole weekend. If she is genuinely a good friend then she will be happy you are making the effort to be there, even if it's only for part of the weekend.

Just go for the day

@MyAnacondaMight

I think you’re astute to note that your friend has shelled out endless money and weekends on celebrating her friends’ various milestones, but hasn’t been celebrated herself. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but if you’re going to go to anyone’s 40th birthday weekend then I would say go to this one.

Other than birthdays, society does nothing to celebrate the milestones and accomplishments of single people. Decide to marry someone? = Engagement party, hen party, wedding. Have a baby? = Baby shower, then more gifts when baby is born. Land an amazing job or significant promotion? = Nothing. Make the brave decision to end an unhappy marriage? = Social awkwardness, judgement, lost friendships etc.

I try to do my bit to redress this - spa weekends to celebrate a divorce, drinks to celebrate their promotions etc. But showing up for your single friend’s birthday is probably the biggest way you can celebrate them.

I get your point but a spa weekend for a birthday is a bit OTT. Why not just a nice dinner?

Sharing a room? That’s a no.

I feel the same I’m over group weekends away. It always ends up a compromise doing what other people want to do and paying for the privilege. It’s also a big no to sharing a room!

Quite honestly if I have a child free weekend I’d rather wangle a babysitter to spend a weekend with my husband or if it’s just me I’d rather be alone at a spa or yoga retreat. It’s probably a stage of life (small child!).

I don't know anyone who did any away trip for their 40th, is that a thing? I think most of my mates had pretty young kids at the age, so weekends away weren't really on the cards. In fact I was one of the few people I know who even had a 40th party when it was our turn a few years back.

@MyAnacondaMight

I think you’re astute to note that your friend has shelled out endless money and weekends on celebrating her friends’ various milestones, but hasn’t been celebrated herself. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but if you’re going to go to anyone’s 40th birthday weekend then I would say go to this one.

Other than birthdays, society does nothing to celebrate the milestones and accomplishments of single people. Decide to marry someone? = Engagement party, hen party, wedding. Have a baby? = Baby shower, then more gifts when baby is born. Land an amazing job or significant promotion? = Nothing. Make the brave decision to end an unhappy marriage? = Social awkwardness, judgement, lost friendships etc.

I try to do my bit to redress this - spa weekends to celebrate a divorce, drinks to celebrate their promotions etc. But showing up for your single friend’s birthday is probably the biggest way you can celebrate them.

I completely agree with every word said here.

I am single and childless. Over the years, I have spent a lot of time and money celebrating my friends engagements, marriages and children - I do not resent this at all. But when it came to turning 40 I decided I wanted to celebrate in style, and had a weekend away and invited all my closest friends. Many on here would probably judge that as hugely self-indulgent, but I wanted to celebrate me for a change! I am lucky enough to have wonderful friends that were able to come and celebrate with me, despite having relatively young children - I gave them plenty of warning.

I think if you are able to go to your friend's birthday you should - as I am sure she has celebrated many of your milestones over the years and it would be nice if you were able to reciprocate that.

I think if you can make the effort to go (even just for the day!) it would be appreciated by your friend. As you and PP’s have said, this friend has always celebrated other people’s happy life events/milestones and it would be a shame for others in her life to not be willing to do the same for her just because it’s a birthday rather than e.g a wedding.

A lot of 40ths in our group have been hit by COVID restrictions but I’ve only done group trips where I’m friends with a whole group. I don’t feel comfortable sharing rooms with strangers.
Could you arrange something separate but special with this friend? I did that for my 40th and managed to drag out the celebrations over a variety of activities! It was great.

Dh and I have several weekends away a year without the other. Surely, if the issue isn’t really the money, then there’s no problem being away from your dc when they have a perfectly competent parent at home. Personally, I don’t know if I’d want to go away for the weekend with a group where I really didn’t know anyone (and I definitely wouldn’t share a room). But going away with young dc at home has never been a problem unless they are bf. I went to Australia for 2 weeks for work when oldest was 16 months. Dh did just fine. But if you aren’t keen on going, that’s different.

Don't go if you won't enjoy it, people organise things because they enjoy doing them, but if a spa weekend isn't your thing then just say so and arrange a lunch or different meeting.

I just go sorry, can’t afford it. That’s it. No need to say anything else.

Dh and I have several weekends away a year without the other. Surely, if the issue isn’t really the money, then there’s no problem being away from your dc when they have a perfectly competent parent at home

But I like to spend time with my DC at a weekend. I work during the week.

If most of your friends have small children, you’re unlikely to get invited to many more weekends like this for their 40th celebrations.

Obviously you don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but if you are good friends with this woman, you should go. She has done 20 years of celebrating your engagement/marriage/kids. Not wanting to miss one weekend with your DC, in several months time, is a bit feeble.

@TractorAndHeadphones

£50 is what I’d imagine spending on the group gift not per person! Also why is 40 a big birthday

What do you mean? Milestone birthdays are often celebrated. 21, 30, 40, 50. This is hardly unusual.

If money isn't an issue, I would go. If children are young, can you take the Monday as leave to spend with them (guessing they are in nursery). Can you afford to get your own room? It sounds like it would be nice to make it the effort. If this friend attended your wedding, how much might she have spent? I don't think missing the children is reason enough not to go. But if you just don't want to, then don't, and make arrangement to celebrate all with her another time, maybe a meal and dunks, your treat.

I would buy her a nice gift for her birthday and send my regrets. That way you acknowledge her special weekend is important but don’t need to spend time or loads of money.