How do you come to terms with / make yourself feel better about not being attractive?

[OldMagicTiger]

Ive just seen some truly hideous pictures that somebody else took in which I'm in the background looking...awful. I know I'm on a bit of a downer but I've never been 'pretty' and as I get older i'm feeling it more and more. I can't change it but I'd like to snap out of it! I'm not overweight, it's my face (especially profile) so can't do anything about it. How can I feel better and not care! I know this is really superficial and I'm annoyed at myself. But can't shake how depressed it's made me feel!

Low bump

We are our own biggest critics. I would bet you look absolutley fine. What is considered 'attractive' anyway? It is so subjective.

There’s a world of difference between being ‘pretty’ and being attractive. Attractiveness comes from within; it’s in the way you smile, the fact that you care for others, and are a generally warm person. I’m sure you’re more attractive outside and in than you think.
Do you have people in your life? Friends? Family? I bet they see how attractive you are, much more than a flat photograph ever could.

I'm not attractive and look gross in pictures. It does get me down but nothing I can do , makeup hair etc makes much difference. I'm learning to live with it

Oh, it's rough! I'm now fat, & my not bad at all face is getting, ahem, weathered, let's say.
I started sunbedding (a low safe as possible Vitamin Do style one) have started walking again, bought cleanser, eyebrow dye (I'm so non beauty products & have to say, the results are pretty amazing) moisturising tan lotion for the face, and the only thing that really works, is try to make sure
I have some positive interactions each day with people I don't know.
The only cure for me about my physical demise is ultimately to focus on other things. I have mental health issues and meno is stopping me from regular gym exercise, but I still have odd days that I feel that life is worth living! I try remember those on bad days!
How's your state of mind OldMagic?

How old are you OP? It’s liberating getting older for me, I give zero fudges. ;)

That's a lovely response @TragicRabbit and you're right, I need to remember this. And about it being subjective @LadyCleathStuart. But I'm also glad to know I'm not alone in feeling so low about it @Kittykat93. It's just annoying, I'm annoyed that I'm bothered by it - it's my go to "but I can't enjoy anything because..." Ridiculous.

I think my state of mind is good generally @lastnightthemooncame but this does pull me down

@Vallmo47 I'm 42, I hope I'll arrive at a place where I'm over it being something I feel judged on!

I've been desperately unattractive my whole life. And I have never really come to terms with it.

@OldMagicTiger I’m a couple of years younger but I do hear you and understand how you’re feeling. It’s just that I’ve somehow adopted a ‘fuck it’ attitude over the years. I’ve had quite a few health scares and I think that grounded me… made me realise the things I can’t change won’t change and I’m just losing time I haven’t got. Now I sound like I’m terminally ill, which I’m hopefully not! 😆
Fwiw I didn’t find my partner very attractive when we first met but I fell in love with his personality. He’s the most handsome guy in the world to me now - the loved one is always beautiful! So don’t worry what people think about your profile, they won’t be thinking anything other than you’re fab. If they did think negative things they’re not your people.
But I’m truly not minimising your feelings. I have a very very noticeable ridge in my nose. Like, from every angle I see it. It’s taken me a very long time to accept I can be lovely and attractive, despite this obvious flaw. I just don’t quite know how I accepted it, if that makes sense? Give it time and give yourself a cuddle from me! You sound lovely.

@Vallmo47 Oh you're so kind, you've made me feel really warm. Thank you 

@OldMagicTiger If you haven’t found all your people look me up. 😂 Have a good week, don’t let your mind get you down.

Oh god I take a hideous picture - sunglasses, hat and 100 attempts are the only way to get one I'm ok with. But I'm not looking for a super model/porn star for a partner, I want someone warm, loving, funny and kind - is anything sexier or more attractive than that?

I am not pretty. I grew up around pretty people. I kind of just resigned myself to not bother much. I am athletic though. And have good hair. And I am smart and caring, well read and well travelled. I have a great job and loads of achievements. As they say, you don’t owe the world pretty.

One of the biggest upsides of not being pretty is that as we are approaching 40, my peers are so stressed about losing their looks, of becoming invisible, of doing this pr that to their faces to keep the aging process at bay for a little while longer. Me, I don’t give a shit about loaing my looks because I never measured myself against that.

I was quite pretty in my youth. Now I'm not. I can't look at a photo or my reflection in the mirror. It's really difficult. I know I'll get over myself soon enough but right now...offft. No answers except that time usually sorts this shit out.

I am not attractive either, men never fancy me and I don’t think I look great and l am getting older now so it’s not improving, so I know how you feel 🙁

Thank you, you've all been very gentle and kind. Sending love to all those who feel the same

@Vallmo47 and thank you for that lovely offer :-)

I used to be very pretty but I’m not now. These days I focus on my clothes instead.

@stealingbeauty i thought that I did that too but when I saw pictures I realised that what I thought looked good on me looked awful! I think if you're not tall/willowy it's quite hard. But I agree that focusing on this does make me feel a bit better

The way I cope with it is to avoid mirrors, and generally not allow my picture to be taken. If I have to record something at work I get someone else to quality control it so I never watch it back. I hate having to get my hair cut but I do it regularly by someone who is good at it, but I don't do makeup and I shop for clothes as infrequently as I can get away with.

I think a lot of being able to deal with feeling unattractive is also realising that this is something I actively choose to avoid rather than actively choose to address. I'm sure I'd look better if I got my nose "done", my eyes Lasered, a wee bit of Botox and all that jazz, but I don't judge other people's worth on how they look, so what the fuck am I doing holding myself to some unattainable standard?

I think about what I value in others - and I try to emulate those things - kindness, good humour, intellectual honesty and curiosity. As to how I look? I never see myself (albeit on purpose), so who cares?

I hope you get some strategies from this thread that work for you. But if I had one thing it'd be - focus on what you are, not on what you're not.

I'm sure you look fine...vast majority of people are average looking...I mean do you ever walk down the street, see someone and think they're hideous looking?! No you don't. Well I know I don't. I hate photos of myself...I'm not photogenic at all. I hide when I see someone pull out a camera! I don't think I look that bad in real life

That's great advice @Crepuscularshadows - focus on what you are not what you're not. If only we celebrated all the great things about us more often and didn't focus in on what we're not happy with. We're obviously conditioned to think like that so maybe we can condition ourselves to work the other way! I'm going to keep this in my mind and really try

Brilliant comments, can I add as well that hanging out with people who are critical about appearance, & criticize others, are something I avoid. That's meant cutting off some people in my life.

I do think it's rare to be like that, voicing opinions over others appearance seems to be tied up with being neurotic, I certainly am totally neurotic, but it's not based around appearance in myself much, & definitely not others. I don't notice others appearance unless they are really eye catching, and that's nothing to do with looks.

See Phillipa Perry deciding to make herself visible as she got older. I love her glasses/hair being a stong statement.

Oh, thought I'd add as well in case it seems I'm 'passable', actual hot! etc, I've been bullied well into adulthood for my body not being seen as normal/sufficient/whatever but at some the condition of 'fuck it' seems to take hold.

People who are critical of others are just toxic to be around & can make self reflection worse. I really feel for girls (and boys) who are indoctrinated into that, I've seen the effect on younger relatives.
(And in myself for many years If I'm honest too).