How do you come to terms with / make yourself feel better about not being attractive?

[OldMagicTiger]

Ive just seen some truly hideous pictures that somebody else took in which I'm in the background looking...awful. I know I'm on a bit of a downer but I've never been 'pretty' and as I get older i'm feeling it more and more. I can't change it but I'd like to snap out of it! I'm not overweight, it's my face (especially profile) so can't do anything about it. How can I feel better and not care! I know this is really superficial and I'm annoyed at myself. But can't shake how depressed it's made me feel!

I agree, but I also think that I've internalised a lot of that way of thinking despite not thinking it about others myself if that makes sense? I'm trying to do what the pp said about not letting myself default to negative thinking about myself and instead to push the positives. I want to pull it all out of my head! It's so ridiculous to be sad about it, I'd like to be able to fix it so I just don't give it power anymore. And you're right, why would you want the approval of horrible judgemental people anyway!

No, no, no! It is simply not true that you are unattractive!

We don't like looking at ourselves. I've heard loads of actors in interviews say that they never watch their own films, others that can't listen to their recorded voice because it makes them cringe. It's natural not to like the majority of photos of yourself - isn't it something to do with the photo being the opposite of what you see in the mirror so you look "off" to yourself.

You can't compare yourself to Instagram or magazines because the photo shopping is ridiculous. Sometimes when I watch Instagram stories and the filter that the person is using is listed, I try it out on myself just to see the difference it makes - they're incredible.

Both me & my beautiful daughter somehow look absolutely awful in photos! No idea why - I may be ugly and slightly bigger but I know my beautiful daughter isn’t - the camera hates us.

I know exactly how you feel OP and I think it's very difficult to come to terms with because our society is very looks focused even for things like work where it shouldn't matter. What do you love doing? I think do more of that because it shines through. I've recently taken up swimming which I've always loved but not dared to do because I've got visible scarring and am obese. No-one has looked at me twice and my confidence is building each time I go because I love it so much and because the sheer diversity and variation in body types, all just minding their own business and enjoying a swim is really helping to re-set my sense of normal, as opposed to the limited body types seen on TV. Do you have an internal critical voice? Where has it come from, and can you catch it and challenge it? Positively affirming yourself when you look in the mirror can help too even if it's a struggle at first, just start simple-what would you say to a loved one. Also thinking of yourself through others eyes, I remember how beautiful I saw my grandmother because I loved her and how confusing it was as a child to have her tut that she didn't want a photo as she looked awful. It hurt because she was my beautiful grandmother who looked like herself, why would I want her to look like someone else?

Do you know what it really is what's inside that matters. I'm conventionally unattractive but all my ex's and dp are really good looking men. Everyone of them have liked me despite my looks because I know I am funny and a nice person. Sometimes it does get me down as for me it's my face shape and Extremely skinny bowed legs and awful hair and eyesight that let me down. If I had the money for cosmetic surgery I would do it in a heartbeat.

I've found all the replies on this thread really kind and thoughtful. Thank you!

I grew up with my dm constantly criticising her looks, and comparing herself to others. She would ask me, "I'm not as fat as /her/ am I?" (Pointing to some unsuspecting woman on the street)

It was strange, embarrassing and uncomfortable for me, but I knew it was a big problem when two things happened, several years apart:

1. I looked at myself in the mirror, as an adult, and realised that although our faces are quite different in looks, and we have different colouring, and I'm several inches taller, my dm and I have the same body type. And I started criticising myself using the same words and phrases she used to criticise her own body. Then I remembered how uncomfortable I was hearing her words as a child and teen, and didn't want them reverberating through my head either.

1. My dd looks /very/ like me, in both looks and body type. If she grew up hearing me criticise myself, ike I did my own dm, what would she hear in her head, when she looked at herself in the mirror?

So, yeah, I have my dislikes about my appearance, that nobody will even fucking notice but me, and I keep those thoughts in check, because I don't want to pass on any issues to my dd. There's enough harsh judgment out there as it is, it isn't coming into my home, too.

Great point @MyButteredBread . I have a daughter, I need to model better ways

It definitely helped me!