What age is "too old" to confiscate a mobile phone?

[00100001]

What age would you stop confiscating your child's phone as a sanction?

I am also surprised how many people believe the phone is essential to their lives. It's important but not essential.

You have to have boundaries for teens and also sanctions that are effective. I once removed the phone from a 14 year old who hadn't communicated as agreed. It was a brief punishment but highly effective.

Teens brains are being wired at this age and they need to digitally detox. If they can't do it themselves, such as getting up for school then I would take away the phone at night.. guess if data is unlimited no point blocking WiFi (most routers will allow you to block one device or restrict the hours)

They don't NEED to be connected to their phones 24x7. They can go to school and come home without a phone.

@brittleheadgirl

I hate these sort of punishments. What does it achieve?

My thoughts exactly. And isn't in the parents' interests for the kids to have a mobile phone so they are contactable.

@Fireflygal so what's your oldest age you'd confiscate?

@00100001

The 16yo in question was given a chance to be sensible and asked to leave phone downstairs after 11pm charging in the kitchen. Parent discovered said phone in 16yos bedroom the very next morning when they didn't wake up in time for college...

The 16yo phone has now been confiscated, and as predicted there's a stroppy 16yo claiming how unfair itnall is etc etc.

To this people who still would not confiscate the phone after being given an opportunity to be sensible/trusted...what would you do? Let your kid miss college etc?

Yes I would.

At 16 they need to start taking responsibility. They need natural consequences.

In less than 2 years they could be at Uni/employed. What are you going to do then drive to the campus and take their phone?!

There are circumstances where I would take the phone, but not at this age/these circumstances.

I would try and talk it out with them, work through the problem try and help them come to a solution etc., but ultimately they have to make a choice and then live with the consequences.

She is 16. In my generation, born 1969, all but the most academic kids were working. Luckily I stayed on and went to university, most didn't. It's now her responsibility. If she wants to fail her exams, she's old enough to understand the implications. And take a portion of her benefits or shelf stacking wages if she does fail, as rent.

I still confiscated DDs phone at 16 as it was the only thing that bothered her … can’t ground them at that age as she’d have just walked out, and I wasn’t going to get physical with her. If they’re being rude, not attending school/college, mixing with the wrong crowd etc they need some consequences. Some DCs are still very immature and daft at that age … 15-17 was my worst age to parent I think. She’s 20 and lovely now.

I wonder how we managed in the dark days before mobile phones existed

well of course we managed fine but that isn't allowed anymore - for example when my ds was younger and went to a childminder, if she couldn't contact a parent within an hour of pick-up time (or trying to get hold of them during the day) she would contact social services. I don't know if she ever did but it kind of means you have to have a mobile phone.

My ds had a short walk home from secondary school but had he eg needed to get a bus or train I would have liked him to have a phone so he could contact me if he needed to eg if there were big problems on a train line. Also there used to be phone boxes everywhere so I just had a phone card for emergencies. Now you don't have phone boxes with working phones in many locations.

Dont the teachers email out homework or post homework and email a notification? My DC always needed their phones to quickly check for notifications from teachers and such.

Phones weren’t essential in our day, but I think they are essential now.

After 16 I allow then to self regulate. Up to that, I take phones at night.

I’m surprised to see multiple posters advocating natural consequences here. That wouldn’t work on me or DP (who are also rather addicted to our phones) so I can’t see how it would work on a teen!

@00100001

So, those who would never and can't see why it would be fine, fair enough. But for example, what would be your go to sanction for something like a 16yo that couldn't wake up in the morning for sixth form college, because they had been on their phone until the wee hours?

I am the wrong person to ask because I used to knock on ds' door to get him out of bed! Apparently that is completely wrong and I am setting him for a lifetime of lateness but heyho. He never missed a bus to sixth form college (and was never late for school).

Had I really needed a sanction I might have taken away his xbox (I did threaten to a few times) but until last Christmas it was in the lounge anyway so he couldn't play it in bed.

@TuftyMarmoset

I’m surprised to see multiple posters advocating natural consequences here. That wouldn’t work on me or DP (who are also rather addicted to our phones) so I can’t see how it would work on a teen!

Why? You can’t get out of bed and go to work because of your phone?

Yep self regulate. I have never removed phones. My 7 dc now vary in age from 26 -17 (mine and DHs ) with my last one just going to Uni and only one now at home permanently.

Some stayed up to late and missed school some didn't . The important thing is that they were all under no illusions that this was their ONE opportunity to make the best of their lives. With 7 we did not have the money for second chances ..

They all got their acts together. Now the 6/7 is the most recent to go. No 7 will go next year.

Don't baby them . Taking their phones does no one any good. Let them suffer the consequences of their own actions.

To this people who still would not confiscate the phone after being given an opportunity to be sensible/trusted...what would you do? Let your kid miss college etc?

Yes. Natural consequences. They would have to get work from teacher, classmates to catch up. If they miss so much that they fail, their problem. Not mine. Their choice. Not mine. But neither are they going to live off me at home past 18. It’s university, or big bad world with FT job and your own flat. Not going to have a 26yr old lounging about the house being a freeloader.

@PlanDeRaccordement yep. Neither of us have fixed hours though - I have core hours and DP’s are entirely his choice. So not quite the same as missing lessons. But we usually start work later than we’d like due to wasting time on our phones. In DP’s case that usually means after lunch and working late into the evening as a result and getting stuck in that cycle.

@PaddingtonStareBare

When they pay for it themselves, however my 12yr old pays for her contract herself from her pocket money but her phone is locked down pretty tightly. It turns off at 8pm (emergency calls always available though to specific contacts) and she can't download any apps unless I approve them. No SM here either. I have and will put an immediate block on it if chores or specific tasks haven't been done, especially if I've asked and she refuses. I know it sounds draconian but she has a lot of freedom outside of the phone to do as she pleases and things are always asked or gently reminded first.

Wise I think

@TuftyMarmoset

I’m surprised to see multiple posters advocating natural consequences here. That wouldn’t work on me or DP (who are also rather addicted to our phones) so I can’t see how it would work on a teen!

If that's true, you need to seek some help.

But really, if you were faced with losing your job and subsequently being in financial difficulties you couldn't/wouldn't self regulate and put your phone down?!

Turn the wifi off then

To this people who still would not confiscate the phone after being given an opportunity to be sensible/trusted...what would you do? Let your kid miss college etc

Yes. That's exactly what I did. As I say they soon sorted themselves out when they realised they were there ones who had to deal with the fallout.

I reckon I would and DP wouldn’t @NuffSaidSam - he is doing a PhD and is stressed about it so retreats to his phone due to the stress but then spending time on it rather than working perpetuates the cycle. For a teen the consequences are not immediate/defined enough I think. They can fail their A levels but at this point in the year even that seems far off, and the consequences of failing them even further off and more abstract.

If my mum had confiscated my phone at 16 I would have told her to bugger off, BUT I paid for it myself.

@GoingForAWalk

Turn the wifi off then

How does that help?

Op do what you have to do.
I still confiscate my 14 yr olds phone because it got out of hand. He was spending hours on it. I’d tell him to put it away, but 10 mins later, it was back in his hand. He spent 6 hrs on it one evening, and would every evening. Probably even longer. So now, I have it. He knows it’s not a punishment and he can’t self regulate.
I have an older teen and he has to leave his phone downstairs at night too. He’s much better at self regulating and I’ve never confiscated his phone.

@00100001

So, those who would never and can't see why it would be fine, fair enough. But for example, what would be your go to sanction for something like a 16yo that couldn't wake up in the morning for sixth form college, because they had been on their phone until the wee hours?

Nothing. At 16 plus they need to figure this stuff out for themselves. I’d support or encourage them to find solutions, but I wouldn’t punish. They make choices and those choices have consequences. Do they actually want to be doing the course?

Mine is 15 and I've got screen time settings on it.

He hates it.

But when he was really bad recently, I didn't take his phone away from him.

Instead I set the screen time so all he had was an hour a day.