Weird question but how are you finding conversations these days?

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Is it my age, lock down, society but I can’t seem to have any meaningful conversations with anyone any more. Similar to another thread just now, I’ve never indulged bullshit but it just seems so hard to get past the idle chit chat and me,me, look what I’ve done to some good, nitty gritty discussions and debates. I don’t consider myself particularly intellectual nor have I ever liked to shout to be heard but most conversations I have these days are mind numbingly boring with too much preamble to the salient point - e.g. I was doing such and such, it was a Monday coz that’s the day I take junior to swimming then get the shopping on the way back but I had to take a detour because of roadworks then we were late getting home and then salient point. I feel like I’m being talked at rather than with. Maybe I’m the weirdo

Since lockdown I feel like I'm the only person in the world who asks questions. To me that is normal for a conversation, but apparently not to anyone else I know. Which means I usually come away having listened to a 20 minute monologue about the other person's week or whatever and they don't even know how I am in general.
One mum friend, the first time I saw her after lockdown, greeted me with "well this is what I've been doing since I last saw you..." not even a hello!

Someone I work with is like this. Calls me (generally to go off sick) and takes 20 minutes to get to the point. He confused himself so much last week, he turned around and said "I've forgotten why I was calling". I now just tell him to get to the point.

It's a case of why use 50 words, when 500 will do.

I agree somewhat, OP. I spend some time wanting to have more conversations with other people, then thinking 'what's the point. It's not like there's anything/much to say anyway'.

I'm lucky that I'm not finding that in my own day to day life but I've worked throughout & I work in a creative field so we're constantly talking about ideas etc which is v much part of the job.

I am finding it far more pronounced in my conversations with my parents though which makes me sad. They're vulnerable so not out & about at all really & I live 3 hours drive away so we speak on the phone a lot between visits. It's now mostly a monologue giving excruciating levels of detail & mostly about medical updates- not just them but their neighbours & friends etc
It's mindnumbing but I try to be patient & let it wash over me as I know their word has shrunk hugely. But it's v v hard some times

If you want to have nitty gritty conversations (without establishing a baseline via small talk first) you'll probably need to find the right conversation partners for that. Not everybody wants to have these kind of interactions.
(My DH once wanted to talk about the history of the Khmer Rouge at 6 in the morning at breakfast and his interest in the different ways languages express modality is very very limited.)

@VoluptuaGoodshag what kinds of conversations would you like to have? Genuine question. Would you like to speak about books, films, art, music?
Or politics & world affairs?
Or history, philosophy etc ?
Or more how you're coping with things in general so more personal to you ?

When you meet friends do you steer the conversation to these things? So when that person gives you the running monologue do you ask them how they're feeling about all that or how they're coping with the situation?

Just trying to get a sense of how the interactions go.

When I meet friends, depending on the nature of that particular friendship, we might give a quick update on what's been going on with family - kids / parents/ siblings / work but then we might move to how we're coping or not with all that's going on. Or we might turn to more 'oh j read a great book / saw a great film you'd love; & we chat about that

Agree and get where you are coming from. Feel like some people read from script, Friday is worst because all you get off most is 'it's Friday...'Then the people who are just me me me in their whole conversation. Sometimes feel like ending it with a sarcastic 'I'm fine, thanks for asking'

You’re hanging around with the wrong people, then, surely? Or do you mean these conversations about roadworks and swimming are with random neighbours or other parents on the school run?

These people have always existed, haven't noticed any difference since lockdown

I get what you mean.

My friends are all either Miles away from me or work different hours to me so anything beyond texting/messenger /WhatsApp is difficult.

I talk to staff and customers at work bit being a place of employment conversations are fairly surface level. They do go deeper at times but again limited by time/jobs to do.

I.also work in a predominantly male environment as far as members of the public I see go, so I also have to he carefully there ( I'm.already in a situation where one keeps asking for my number)

I've also been single since December and even befire that I I exactly get the mental stimulation/conversation I would have liked.

I really really miss having anyone to properly meet up with and put the world to rights with.

I'm.hanging on by a thread with Internet tbh

I have a friend who likes to talk at me, without a need for conversation. It always starts with asking how I am though. With no interest at all in how I actually am!

Yesterday, I didnt respond to that and just didn't open the chat for a while. Then it came... "I'm so stressed right now"
I deliberately didn't let on how I was, to see if she would go back to that at any point. She didn't.
After a conversation about how she is stressed and what's she's going to do to feel better, it ended.

Its always the case. She wants to talk at me and then she's all good. Any conversation that's from my side, she often disappears.
I'm glad I don't see her in person much anymore because I know she isn't actually interested in anything I say. Lockdowns were what highlighted that for me.

Totally. I feel like I'm going round 'interviewing' people in an attempt to initiate conversation and it's so exhausting!!

I completely relate to this. I have parked some friends as I couldn’t cope with their navel gazing self obsession, even If some of it was fuelled by COVID anxiety. I’ve reconnected much more regularly with another friend of 30+ years, whee we talk about all sorts, family stuff for sure, but also the state if the world, ideas etc.. and it’s a joy. She told me the other day I was the one friend who she didn’t dread asking how I am, we keep it real.

As an aside… what if people couldnt sue the NHS? Would it be fairer for all, as all disabled/injured/sick however caused are treated by the NHS, and it keeps the money available for this. … Discuss! this has kept us interested for a while…

I’ve noticed myself being more openly emotional with friends - verbally so. Then Read interesting research about effect of mask wearing on our emotional cues and mirroring - I wear mask a lot friends and colleagues do also generally. Think I over compensate verbally when I know we can’t read each other’s expressions.

I do this with my family. It's just conversation.

I think I might be the first person on the thread to admit that I recognise this in myself rather than being the one person they know who doesn't do it! I think it's since lockdown, possibly exacerbated by having a youngish baby (though I'm sure I was back to normal by this point with DC1, though I was back at work by now whereas I'm still on mat leave) but I really feel I've lost my conversational skills. I used to be both a good listener and good at striking up/continuing conversation, whereas now I can think of nothing to say but also - worst of all - I keep forgetting to ask people about themselves. I walk away from the conversation, realise and am crimson with how rude I was but it somehow doesn't occur to me in the moment. I'm hoping if I keep practicing and actively reminding myself to ask about others it'll come back but I know I must seem so boring and also so self-centered (fairly) to everyone around me. It puts me off socialising that I find it such a struggle, which is a bit of a shame as I used to be a really outgoing and social person.

@NalPolishRemover I can accept chit chat with random school Gate folks but I’m experiencing the same with much closer friends and family. In the last couple of months meet oldest pal I haven’t seen for a year, she talked over me so much that me constantly trying to get a word in became exhausting. Another close pal, met up for the weekend and whilst convo flows were interrupted by her kids (totally understand), after they went to bed she almost couldn’t be bothered chatting and we went to bed shortly after. Pals I meet up with weekly, whoever is available, used to have in depth convos but now it’s all just lists of what folk have been up to. I do try to steer conversations to other subjects but it’s like they can’t be bothered and I find it mentally exhausting. Just like @MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet says, like I’m constantly interviewing people and no one asks questions.

I had been looking forward to meeting my two closest pals for some decent convos at last but it was much the same.

@VoluptuaGoodshag Ultimately I think people have become more self-absorbed in a lot of cases, and don't have the awareness of their behaviour but not sure there's a fix!

That does sound frustrating @VoluptuaGoodshag. I don't know how you would fix that. Are you at different stages of life? By that I mean do you also have young children & a partner? Or are your children older if you have any? Some times it can just be a mismatch of stages. Perhaps your friend whose kids were distracting her is exhausted wrangling kids, job, family, pandemic etc & just hasn't the energy for deep & meaningful conversations once the kids are in bed?

I don't know, just thinking about it from my own life & how friendships ebb & flow according to other external pressures.

Could you join a club to meet like minded people- book club etc where you might have an outlet for this?

Do you have a partner? Dh & i love to do things like go to a play or exhibition or talk or concert or film & then go for a drink / meal afterwards & discuss it. Pre-pandemic we did this very frequently & we love it. During lock down we switched to films / box sets & books & we talk about them. We love to travel & talk about that a fair bit too, researching stuff, planning stuff it's a huge part of the experience for us.

I'm in a book club which is online now but used to be in person & I adore it. We drink wine but we do really talk about the books.

I read voraciously so I'm always immersed in an inner life & think about what I'm reading through out the day. That sounds pretentious but I had a lonely childhood & always relied on books.

I don't really count school run / vague acquaintances as proper channels for conversations. They're just exchanging pleasantries imo & some people are far better at it than others

The only topic I won't indulge in is talking / gossiping about other people we know. I shut that down immediately. Sharing good news fine - picking someone apart - no thanks! There are a million more interesting things to talk about!

@NalPolishRemover I do have a partner and my kids are older teenagers so I can get that my friend was probably exhausted from work/kids/life etc. I am married so yes thankfully I can have convos with DH but I do miss decent conversations. I was almost picked for dining across the divide in The Guardian and was so excited by the prospect but they’d teamed me up with a person 100s of miles away by mistake. Still hoping it happens yet.

@user1499114292 I shall try that NHS subject next time and see if I get anywhere.

I can get that some folk may also be too exhausted for anything too in depth but this seems more prevalent now than before so wondering if it’s a symptom of the pandemic.

It's a tough one to know the answer to @VoluptuaGoodshag as it so depends on the connection you have with the person you want to engage in conversation. At least it does for me.

I'm always happy to chat about books / abstract ideas with a couple of friends but I don't enjoy discussing politics at all with some of them as it gets heated & I've no interest in that.

The dh of one of my friends has an irritating habit of throwing out a provocative headline and saying 'so what do you think of that?' But the thing is he only has the most superficial interest in what anyone actually does think of it. It's v dull & I don't engage in it anymore. I sort of gloss over it & move on. That kind of interaction holds no appeal for me so the example of the hypothetical NHS question would not be for me. Unless my friend actually worked for the NHS & therefore had an actual perspective on a situation I was interested in. Just chewing the fat on it, not so much.

Good conversation & what constitutes it is so personal.

I worked in higher education for close to thirty years so had many an in depth conversation . DH and I are like this just naturally so I always have him. DS and his GF are also like this , they remind me of a younger version of us, it’s a bit weird sometimes.

DS GF according to DS adores us and loves hanging out with us because she is more like us than her own family. She loves her family dearly but is just very different to them. Basically she is like us and is a massive nerd.

I get it. It seems like the thousands of years humans took to develop language and the to-and-fro of a conversation have been wiped out in 18 months The self-obsession most people have is staggering.

I don’t find this, OP. I still have interesting political discussions etc. I think the only thing that has reduced is chat about holidays, concerts, plays - because nobody has been to any!
My sister and I can still chat for three hours on the phone without running out of topics, my DD and I are opposite ends of the political spectrum but are both GC feminists, and have long discussions, my friends at bridge club and table tennis club all chat animatedly during breaks, and the parishioners at church ditto before the service.
During lockdown, people were more isolated and desperate to chat with people they never normally spoke to. My chimney sweep was laughing, saying his previously v snooty customers who ignored him while working, suddenly wanted long conversations with him! And I became acquainted with several elderly ladies in the village who only began chatting to me while out for the obligatory lockdown walks.

Volupta, your post hit the nail on the head for me. Especially this:
I feel like I’m being talked at rather than with

I mean, I have people who do love and care about me, but with one or two expeptions I feel like people want to tell me about them more than they want to hear about me. I feel a bit isolated.

I am an introvert and a little shy so I'm hoping that it's just going to take me a while to get back into the swing of socialising.