Weird question but how are you finding conversations these days?

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Is it my age, lock down, society but I can’t seem to have any meaningful conversations with anyone any more. Similar to another thread just now, I’ve never indulged bullshit but it just seems so hard to get past the idle chit chat and me,me, look what I’ve done to some good, nitty gritty discussions and debates. I don’t consider myself particularly intellectual nor have I ever liked to shout to be heard but most conversations I have these days are mind numbingly boring with too much preamble to the salient point - e.g. I was doing such and such, it was a Monday coz that’s the day I take junior to swimming then get the shopping on the way back but I had to take a detour because of roadworks then we were late getting home and then salient point. I feel like I’m being talked at rather than with. Maybe I’m the weirdo

I think many people underestimate how much they talk and overestimate how much others talk if that makes sense? Or at least, I know I do!

My best friend is excellent at conversation, both listening and talking with and not at people. She always asks me loads of questions and remembers what I've been up to, e.g. 'how was your weekend away?' etc.
Me- ask questions but have a shocking memory so she often has to bring stuff up herself, e.g., 'so yeah, the visit to my sister went ok actually, such a relief' and then I go 'of course, that was last weekend, tell me, did you bring up xyz or with her as you said you might, just left it?' etc

But I agree with you OP, I think covid has eroded some people's social skills. I'm struggling a bit with conversations and I've had a less stressful time over the past 18 months than many people I know.

On a side note, I get fed up too with friends who by default prioritise their children's interruptions over adult conversation. It's so annoying, as I can see from miles away that said 4-year old wants attention and isn't really hungry/needs toilet yet again/wants the one toy that's out of reach. They just can't handle not being the centre of their mum's attention whenever they want.

I was almost picked for dining across the divide in The Guardian and was so excited by the prospect but they’d teamed me up with a person 100s of miles away by mistake. Still hoping it happens yet.

That's exciting, @VoluptuaGoodshag -- can you say what the process was like, and what 'divide' you were going to be crossing? All the ones I've read to far have been terribly mild and civilised. Depending on what the issue was, I'd probably have been throwing breadrolls.

@Helocariad

I think many people underestimate how much they talk and overestimate how much others talk if that makes sense? Or at least, I know I do!

My best friend is excellent at conversation, both listening and talking with and not at people. She always asks me loads of questions and remembers what I've been up to, e.g. 'how was your weekend away?' etc.
Me- ask questions but have a shocking memory so she often has to bring stuff up herself, e.g., 'so yeah, the visit to my sister went ok actually, such a relief' and then I go 'of course, that was last weekend, tell me, did you bring up xyz or with her as you said you might, just left it?' etc

But I agree with you OP, I think covid has eroded some people's social skills. I'm struggling a bit with conversations and I've had a less stressful time over the past 18 months than many people I know.

On a side note, I get fed up too with friends who by default prioritise their children's interruptions over adult conversation. It's so annoying, as I can see from miles away that said 4-year old wants attention and isn't really hungry/needs toilet yet again/wants the one toy that's out of reach. They just can't handle not being the centre of their mum's attention whenever they want.

Given what you've said about your own inability to remember current events you've been told about in your friends' lives, do you think it's possible the friends who let their four year olds interrupt are doing so deliberately in the hope that an interruption will make you realise you've been talking for an hour and have apparently forgotten the major things they told you about last time they saw you?

@Verfremdungseffekt ages ago I’d filled out a short application online and fired it off. Weeks later out of the blue they phoned me asking if I was still interested in taking part (I was). Then someone emailed to get a rough idea of what times suited me during the week. The meal would be in a local restaurant with bill footed to a max of £100. I was getting quite excited about it but then got another email saying they’d misread where I lived and had teamed me up with someone 180 miles away. Hoping I still get picked. I’d try to talk and debate properly and not just talk over the other person. And would assume they’d do the same since we’re both signing up for the same sort of discussion.

OMG I thought it was just me! I started to wonder if I was doing something wrong! I've had a few personal problems during the pandemic, bad timing that's all. I've ended up distancing myself from everyone because I'm so sick of flakey people cancelling last minute and when the do show up, talking at me endlessly. I don't have the mental energy to deal with it.

The last conversation I had was someone sharing their experiences of being bullied, at a place they never needed to go to in the first place and could have left to move to a similar service whenever they'd wanted. Of course I was interested in my friend's experience, but it was self inflicted to a degree and she talked about it non-stop for 2hrs solid! I was asked how I was when I arrived, replied briefly and that was it.

I don't enjoy debates like some posters do. I'm happy to hear people's opinions and share mine, but I'm fine with agreeing to disagree, I don't want a debate or in depth discussion on it, I find it draining and unnecessary.

I also really want to know what's happening in my friend's lives. I find it so hard when I ask what someone's been upto and they say "nothing", then just as I'm leaving mention a fantastic holiday they had last month, when there's no time left to chat about it! I don't understand it.

I want to share what's happening with me too. Just ordinary conversation, I don't go on about things, I'm not needy. I never talk at people and I don't like it when they do it to me. So I've ended up steering clear of everyone because I'm finding them such hard work at the moment. I was wondering if I needed some new friends, but if the majority of people are like this at the moment I don't think that'll help!

On a side note, I get fed up too with friends who by default prioritise their children's interruptions over adult conversation. It's so annoying, as I can see from miles away that said 4-year old wants attention and isn't really hungry/needs toilet yet again/wants the one toy that's out of reach. They just can't handle not being the centre of their mum's attention whenever they want.

I struggle with this one - I do want to teach my 3 year old not to interrupt if I'm talking and that he can't always expect my immediate and full attention, but in practice teaching this obviously isn't instant and is going to cause a bigger disruption than just quickly answering him, so it feels politer to the friend who is there right then to not make it a teaching moment. In practice I almost never meet up with friends with him with me because I find it hard to concentrate on the friend if I do, and I just have to accept that that means I socialise less often than I could if I did it with him in tow.

@Hardbackwriter I think my post came across as more harsh than I meant it- sorry . I feel for you and I've been there too . It sounds like what you're doing is different from what this friend is doing though. With her it's almost as if her responding to her child is a performance and she wants to show how loving she is/ how funny her child is with me as the audience. But I guess she and I are just at different stages of our lives and I should cut her some slack.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

If you want to have nitty gritty conversations (without establishing a baseline via small talk first) you'll probably need to find the right conversation partners for that. Not everybody wants to have these kind of interactions. (My DH once wanted to talk about the history of the Khmer Rouge at 6 in the morning at breakfast and his interest in the different ways languages express modality is very very limited.)

That did make me laugh. My DH talks about why Moraito is the best flamenco guitarist at 6am and tries to make me watch videos.

@OnyxOryx I want to share what's happening with me too. Just ordinary conversation, I don't go on about things, I'm not needy. I never talk at people and I don't like it when they do it to me. So I've ended up steering clear of everyone because I'm finding them such hard work at the moment. I was wondering if I needed some new friends, but if the majority of people are like this at the moment I don't think that'll help!

Maybe you need some new friends because definitely not all people are like this IME. But I think you're right, the pandemic hasn't helped people keep up their social skills and it's disappointing when friends flake out of meet-ups.

posted too soon- wanted to say you sound like a really nice person OnyxOryx!

@Helocariad

posted too soon- wanted to say you sound like a really nice person OnyxOryx!

Thank you!