Living a double life

[CatonMat]

Have you ever met someone or heard of someone doing this?

I know a woman whose husband regularly travelled abroad, fetching back beautiful presents, but after he died, she found his passport with just a trip to france on it.

He drove for a living (but had never actually passed his test) until he was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and went rapidly downhill.
(He was spotted in an out of the way place, sitting in a cafe, eating a huge fry up, (although he was barely eating at home, and had appointments with dieticians and was prescribed build up drinks)

In short, his whole life was a lie, but she never found out why.

My best friend’s father, married, 2 children including my best friend. He travelled to Spain regularly for work.
Transpired he had a wife and baby out there.
One day on a family holiday, he got up, turned to the wife and said I can’t do this anymore and I’m leaving you. She never saw him again, had to make her own way home. Incredibly cruel way to end things, the only saving grace was that he continued to contribute towards mortgage and bills. Rarely saw his children from the first marriage though.

Needed to make sure the name change had worked.

Half the time I live with my children at home, then the week they are at their fathers I live elsewhere with someone else. It was never meant to be this way. It happened in increments until one day I was here, living like this, I suppose the only double life I am leading is from my DC who have no idea.

Why would a trip to France be marked in a British (pre brexit) passport?

My (now ex) dh did. Was living and supporting another woman for a few years while he was 'working away'

I don't know anyone personally, but when I was at school - about ten I think - it came out that a girl of my age, her dad had a second family. It was devastating for her I'm sure - not least the gossip that went round.

My 3x great-grandfather managed to live a transatlantic double life in the 1870s. He was a Scottish surgeon whose first family was in Glasgow but whose secret, bigamous family was in the American MidWest. He certainly racked up the mileage on the steamship voyages. In each family his eldest son was named John, after himself.

Eventually he abandoned the Scottish family and lived the rest of his life in the US (it’s the American family I’m descended from). We’ll probably never know whether his lawful wife in Glasgow was told anything, or whether he simply disappeared one day and never returned.

Yes I worked with two ladies (a mum and daughter) whose husband/dad did this. He had two families with two kids in each family around the same age. They eventually found out about each other but she stayed with him- the kids were adults when they found out, and are in touch and friendly with each other. Never understood why she stayed with him!

My sister was engaged to a man who turned out to have a wife and two kids, another fiance and at least 2 more girlfriends. She did a lot of digging and got in touch with them all and they're all now weirdly friends and none of them have anything to do with him. Last we heard, he was in jail.

@Rabala

Needed to make sure the name change had worked.

Half the time I live with my children at home, then the week they are at their fathers I live elsewhere with someone else. It was never meant to be this way. It happened in increments until one day I was here, living like this, I suppose the only double life I am leading is from my DC who have no idea.

Why won't you tell your children? Do they just think you're at home? Does the guy you live with know exactly what's going on?

A family friend did this. They were the most happily married couple ever (at least that's what she thought). Married for many years, kids, never any fights, adored each other, always held hands in public etc etc. One day he comes home with a 5-year-old girl. He says: "This is my daughter. Her mum was killed in a car accident this morning. She will be living with us." To say it was out of the blue is an understatement!

I don't have any personal experience of this. But enjoyed watching Mrs Wilson on Netflix. It's the true story of a woman who discovers her husband's secret life after he dies.
What makes it more fascinating is that the actress is the real person's granddaughter. On the last episode the surviving family members appear and there is a summary of the current situation.
I really recommend it.

I was with a guy for just short of a year. Only saw him weekends as he lived and worked 90 miles away. Turns out he lived with someone through the week and was planning a wedding. She worked weekends and he was away doing his "hobby" .

@Bushkin

Why would a trip to France be marked in a British (pre brexit) passport?

It routinely was, until 1980s.

I was very proud of the one in my old navy stiffie passport, from my only trip abroad with parents in 1979

My friends sister led a triple life. She was in a relationship with a man for 10 years, and was escorting all this time, pretending she was going to work, but she was going to her ‘work apartment’ in another town. AT THE SAME TIME she was dating a married man for 5 years who the original boyfriend also had no idea. I don’t know how she managed all this with only 24hours in a day.

@RavingAnnie

How did he manage to fake MS. Isn't that usually diagnosed by looking for lesions on the brain and spine?

I don't think he did take it. It was what made his lies unravel.

Long time (male) lurked here. I came very close to doing this. Early 20s, had long term girlfriend....1st real relationship. Was not good, she was a difficult personality and, at the time, I blamed all our problems on her. Looking back I can now see that my own immaturity was a big, if not the main, reason for this.

Anyway....I got a job at the other end of the country, and our relationship became long distance. I developed a new group of friends, and discovered big city life. A lot of young people at work place.....very active social life that was unlike anything I'd experienced before. Drink and drugs involved. I'd always been a shy and quite person, and I dropped back into that persona on visits back to gf. Back in the big city I was a bit of a wild, hitting pubs and nightclubs. Had a fling with another woman.....

In the end it all collapsed.....big acrimonious slept with gf and another work related move. I actually settled down a lot! This was all in the late 70s / early 80s. At the time I blamed original gf and, to be honest I avoided thinking about that part of my life for a long time.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine got divorsed and told me that her husband had been leading a double life. At first I used to say that I couldnt imagine how that was even possible, but I then started to think about my own life.

The realization that I had done pretty much the same thing hit me like a physical blow. I literally had to sit down for a while to recover from the shock. If things had just been ever so slightly different....in particular if the second job move hadn't happened, then I could well have just carried on with that life.

Not proud of it but there it is!

My friends partner. He moved in with her as her lodger firstly, then became her boyfriend. Conveniently meant he didn’t have to pay rent. He travelled at weekends to see his elderly mother, only it was his fiancée. This went on about 18 months. He left on a Friday to ‘see his mother’ & married the following day.

Someone I know was ‘with’ a married man for about 20 years. He spent much of the week with her, did jobs in her house, etc. The nature of his job meant it was easy to make out that he was away for work.

But he fell ill and died relatively young, and she couldn’t even go and visit him in hospital, in case his wife or other family were there.

20 years, and she was left bereft, with nothing.

Quite apart from the married bit, what she actually saw in him, close friends could never understand. But I suppose that’s not uncommon.

Yes, a friend of my DH who was married told his wife that he was leaving her for another woman. He had not one, but three other women on the go! He didn't go off with any of those, but instead a fourth one who popped up.

I know someone, or used to who regularly reinvents himself when his (new) worlds come crashing down. I worked with him and he lived on the next street for a while.
All sorts came out about him. He'd changed names, had been in court a couple of times. (one time for assaulting a woman). Been moved on or sacked from previous jobs. He had no contact with his family and no longstanding friends. Nobody to link his previous lifes.
However, he is married, she seems complicit in covering up his crimes and helping him live this strange fantasy world. He is the only person I've met who is like a character from a book. It must be exhausting being him. And her.
He moved away recently following a court case, which the local paper reported on and resulted in stuff being uncovered.
He was acquitted of assaulting a young man from the neighbourhood. Largely as he had a better lawyer.
We all breathed a sigh of relief when the for sale sign appeared. Nobody knows where they moved to, his new neighbours and colleagues will have no clue to his past. Rather like what we went through, He can reinvent again, as he's done so often.
Bizarre.

DH and I joke about his double life. He alternates a month here and a month working abroad. He's not got another family simply working very hard!

@Magilix That sounds exactly like my DH. He has always worked abroad and comes home for 3 weeks every four months.
He's not your husband during those four months is he?? 😬😂

@OhGiveUp Four months away must be tough! DH is only here with me for one month at a time though so if we are sharing husbands we've got another couple of wives to find!

@Magilix After 30+ years I'm used to it. Hmm, yes we will. I hope she's not a blonde bombshell as I'd never be able to compete 😬

I worked with someone who had just discovered that his dad had another family. He had grown up siblings and there were grown up kids in the other family as well. He had discovered it quite by accident and was the only person who knew... he hadn't yet told his dad that he knew. We both moved to different jobs shortly after that and I always wondered what happened...