DC (10) being bullied at school

[notnumb]

I don’t know where to start this really. It’s been on-going.
On Thursday my DD was distraught on the car journey home from school. (Not too strong a word, sobbing etc) She’s being bullied by a particular child for at least a couple of years. The child in question is a very strong personality. Two other girls have left the school certainly in part because their mothers wanted them removed from her influence.

DD is a slim 10 year old, not that it should matter what her size is. The child in question is now saying things both to DD’s face and behind her back that are making DD question her body. She says she feels disgusting.

School aren’t particularly interested. The child in question is …let’s just say she is in favour at the school.

They are all due to leave at the end of this year. I’m trying to teach her resilience and I know that a tiny bit of bullying can make you stronger. But I’m very concerned about eating disorders and everything else they have to cope with these days.

We’ve already been through stages of school-refusing, but managed to get her back in. I’m inclined to not make her go in because school aren’t being supportive and she is obviously so unhappy.

I haven’t written everything here.

Do not be fobbed off by the school.
See the head and if you don't get anywhere go to the school Governors.

Follow the bullying policy demand a meeting with head focus on facts and your D.C.

I did have a meeting with the Head yesterday. Apparently DD’s low self-esteem is nothing to do with the school, it’s all my fault.

Her strategy is to get them into her office individually and find out what’s been said (there aren’t many girls in the year group) and to find out whether they are “telling the truth”.

Then she gets them all in together and tells them “it has to stop”. You can imagine how effective that is.

She opened the meeting by saying DD was only “near this girl for a few minutes at playtime yesterday” the implication being “what could she have said in such a short time”? And that DD was either lying or exaggerating.

She has no intention of getting this girl or her parents in and explaining to them that her behaviour is toxic. The school must know, because too many parents have said that their child is terrified of this girl. But apparently she “quietly gets on with her work” In fact the school have rewarded the child by giving her special responsibilities within the school.

Writing it down I realise I’m fighting a losing battle.

Apologies for my poor punctuation. I’m using a phone & can’t see as well as I’d like.

I’m so sad for my child. I can’t send her into school to be called names about her shape and size.

I asked the Head what their policy was on this sort of thing and she just said it’s everywhere isn’t it? On music videos etc. As if we just accept it - at the age of 10.

In a similar situation although thankfully not bullying as such. Another girl in year 5 who is a very strong personality and her mum is a teacher although not at the same school so they close ranks. My dd struggles with friendships but made a nice friendship with another girl only for the other 'annoying' girl to takeover the friendship and push my dd out. The two girls are now 'besties' and my dd is on her own. So in a way it's mental bullying. I've told the teacher and the sen lead (dd has ASD) until I'm blue in the face but they can't see there is a problem. My dd is in tears most evenings about it all. Just don't know what to do.

Move schools.

(Though if your area has feeder school system, would that impact?)

Move her.

Don't be sad, get cross. The HT is clearly fobbing you off. Ask for a copy of the bullying policy and expect them to follow their own procedure. If they haven't, question why. Do it all by email so there's a paper trail. If that still doesn't get you anywhere escalate it to the board of governors.
Your DD needs you to take the lead on this, don't accept nothing being done. that sounds mean but it was meant as supportive

Take her out. And I don't say that lightly. I know it's not fair and she shouldn't have to move and she's in year six but the head isn't going to help you.

I'm a teacher and in my experience, there are some heads who are absolutely terrible at their job. You could go to the governors which is the next step but it might be the same story and it will take time which means your dd is still in that situation.

What are the chances of your DD and the bully ending up at the same senior school? If it's high then the issue needs to be dealt with now, moving schools will only exacerbate the problem next year.

The secondary schools round us separate the y7s into halves or quarters. If you end up in same school you can request to be on the opposite side of the year.

Contact the governors, we had two years of hell and once the governors were involved it was sorted very quickly.

I really feel for you and your DD, it is absolutely soul destroying.

lollipoprainbow I’m so sorry for what you and your DD are going through. I hope something happens to turn things around. I have my suspicions that DD might be somewhere on the spectrum. Certainly she has her challenges.

TeenMinusTests There would be no problem with secondary schools. She won’t be going to the same school as this child.

DoBopDeeDeeBop yes I’m beginning to wonder now. This Head is going at the end of the year and I’d very surprised if the child’s class teacher didn’t get the job.
This teacher (not DD’s class teacher) has a special place in her heart for the bully (obviously they don’t accept she is a bully, as we know point one in the job description of Bully is How Insidious Are You?)
The child has been rewarded this year by being given a special role (Year 6 special role trying not to be too outing).

My only consideration is that DD will lose all the fun stuff they do at the end of Y6. Apart from how much schooling will she lose if she just misses the end of Year 6.

The other two sets of parents who moved their daughters as far as I know did not make it plain to the school why they were going.
It’s always easier just to quietly slip away isn’t it? Than be considered the awkward ones.

The other parents are in danger of coming across Bully’s parents professionally and would just want the job done I imagine (the exit) rather than messiness.

I would change schools. My daughter was being bullied but kept the full extent of it from me. This child was a favourite and made a few children’s lives difficult. I think the mom helped out a lot at the school. It’s only now she has started secondary School I can see how anxiety has kicked in. Thankfully she has been more open about it and has made new friends. The change of school has made her much happier but still can be anxious at the beginning of the week. I’m just so annoyed I didn’t pick up on things sooner so it could have been nipped in the bud. I hope you get it sorted soon.

ancientgran it’s heartening that you got somewhere. It is so unjust that the stronger personality stays exactly where she is and carries on with exactly what she’s been doing, and the other child’s lives are disrupted.

My only consideration in involving the governors is that another girl in DD’s class’s father is one of the governors.

It's only November. She's got nearly the whole of year six to go. It's surprising how quickly children make friends and she will have the year six fun with different friends at a new school.

Thank you everyone. I asked for my last post to be removed because I'd written some of the names the bully has been calling my DD and apart from being outing, it just feels as if I'm exposing DD somehow.

I find myself wondering who this child will become when she's older; and who in public life was probably a bully in school. In that this child knows she is formidable and that others are scared of her, and I don't think it's too strong to say she has malignant intent. She is only happy when she's pulling others down.

It's a bad combination: power and poisonous intent. The school has given her even more power if you like, by giving her this special role.

You need to do what is best for your child. What you don't need to do is project a future for this other girl, who is still only a child. That is a strong statement 'power and personal intent'. You seem incredibly invested in this other child. Protect your own child but give this other kid some respect and stay as neutral as you can about her behaviour. She isn't a dictator she is a child who has no idea of the impact of her behaviour.

Of course she realises her behaviour has an impact. That's why she does it.
How ridiculous.
She is it an age and of a level of intelligence whereby she knows exactly what she is saying. She's not some innocent 3 year old.

Of course I'm invested in what happens to my child throughout the school day and why this other child is picking on her.

I simply do not understand malign intent. I'm trying to bring my child up to have moral responsibility.

You sound as though you either (a) were the bully in school or (b) are the parent of a bully.

I have news for you: people who's children are suffering are of course going to think ill of your child.

What happens to human beings is as they grow older is they become better at hiding their lack of generosity of spirit.

The girls we are talking about are from sophisticated backgrounds with a certain level of intelligence.
Believe me they know exactly what they're doing.

What is childhood if it is not practising for adulthood? Trying out which behaviours work and which don't (what can be got away with)?
What is it if it's not modelling what is seen around you?

Of course I am thinking my way around What Makes a Bully?
My child and at least 4 others I can think of are made utterly miserable by her behaviour.

It is distressing.

@notnumb thanks, it's funny how the bully has been given a special role. Three mean girls in my dd class one of whom was particularly manipulative and nasty towards my dd were given the role of 'spirituality leads' what a joke !! The teachers just can't see it can't they !

@coffeeisthebest totally disagree with you, 'give her some respect' ?! Where's the respect for the kids she is bullying. She might only be a a child but her behaviour is unacceptable. I loathe bullies, I was bullied relentlessly myself at school.

Move her straight away if that's what she wants and it won't affect her secondary school, you can't cure the system but you can help your daughter. I was bullied at primary, it's miserable. One of mine was bullied at primary I moved him overnight and he came out on first day from new school my old happy, chatty, child. In hindsight I should have done it sooner and if necessary I would even home school til due for new school if that suited the child more. At that age her preferences should be taken into consideration of course.

Move her, find another school for the rest of year 6, it has to be better than an ineffectual head who is protecting the bully and not your child.

And yes the bullies know what they are doing at this age, it is a power trip for them.

Start the process of finding if schools have any spaces.