If you have a child with allergies how do you do parties?

[BorisTheBellendPM]

DD has missed out on a friends birthday party this morning because she has allergies and carries an epipen but is too young to know how to use it herself yet (she's almost 8 and can tell me step by step what to do but I know if she took a reaction she would be too distressed to remember the steps and administer the epipen herself). The party is a drop off one and I don't know the Mum very well other than a quick hello when we see each other at school. I felt like it was too much to put on the Mum to monitor what DD is eating and indeed what others sitting close to her are eating as kids parties are often hectic enough without that responsibility added on. I did reply to say about DDs allergies and that she can't attend parties yet without a parent to keep an eye on her and the Mum replied to say thats a shame, X will miss her but see her at school Monday so I know that me being there wasn't an option which I do understand will happen at times.

So for future parties I'm just wondering what the best thing to do is? Say she can't go to any of them unless I know the parents well enough to go over the epipen usage with them (even then I'm really not comfortable leaving her with someone not trained in their use)? Say I need to go with her to every party (oh hello helicopter parent!) which could be awkward for people? Or what? She only developed the anaphylaxis this year so this is the first drop off party we've encountered so it has just thrown me as to what the best thing to do is.

As parent of a friend with one, and general play dates, I'm nervous hosting.

I would appreciate a list of food the child likes and can totally safely eat.
I'd provide my child their own snacks so there is no worry over party food etc.
For play dates give host a list with brands if necessary so they don't need to keep asking.

For party host I'd say my dd carries epi pen has her own food anyway but please can I quickly show you or someone else how to use her pen?

I have felt like I have to pull info from the child parent I know.

I think the best thing to do is to make sure they don’t miss out on things as much as possible. I always used to stay, whether that be on site, in the car, or with the party group. I think speaking to the other parent before would be a good idea. I’d quite often bring food with us to parties as well, this will depend on the allergies but sometimes it just wasn’t worth the risk and he felt more comfortable knowing all his food was 100% safe from home.

It is awkward and you do feel like you’re being a helicopter parent, annoying or overprotective but if it’s what needs to happen to keep your child safe then that’s the main thing.

The whole party thing is a nightmare but we got through other children dipping their allergen covered hands in DS,s food, me hanging about when the other parent probably didn’t want me to, sitting in the car for hours just so I’m nearby in case of emergency. Even now he’s a bit older I still worry about parties and the food situation can be awkward.

It’s a real shame the other parent let her miss out on the party though.

Some parties will be at a bowling alley or trampoline park or similar which is normally quite a well-structures 1hour play + half hour food. So she could go along and play and then you could collect her before the food part. Or send her with a packed tea box depending on the sensitivity of her allergies.

I'd of sent food I know she can safely eat. At 8 she would know not to eat anything she's not meant to.
Or possibly for the 1st time leaving her I'd of sat outside in the car just in case.

My son has allergies he's not 2 yet but we take own food everywhere.

Depends on the allergy.

We were cmpa and gf But not ana so were less worried about cross contamination- since desensitised enough to control it.

We would immediately ask what food will be served and I would the. send a lunch box of comparable safe food for ds to eat - he knew to eat/drink only what's from the box and not on the table.
Also ask the host to avoid the trigger if possible to ensure that it's not on other kids hands and containing equipment around. (Not always practical for gf/cmpa but entirely reasonable for peanuts for example)

I also hang around near by if needed - sit in the car, local shop etc

My friends son has severe allergies, she just sent him with food from home. He enjoyed the party, no stress for parents holding the party. He was drilled from a very young age never to eat or drink anything without an adult checking it first.

So when DS was little I obviously stayed and I always cleared it with the host that I could bring a safe snack for him to eat when the other kids are eating although most would also offer to make sure and have something he could eat (he is peanut allergic).

Now he is 8 and carried epi pens which he couldn't be trusted to administer so he is restricted to events where I know and trust the parent enough to keep an eye on him.

DS has been living with his allergy his whole life so he knows to check labels and if unsure about something then not to eat it. He is very good about that element, its just what would happen if he had a reaction that I worry about.

He also can't go to friends houses when I don't know them well and also can't play out with the local kids and wander about to their various houses. It sucks but we are all used to it.

I hosted a party recently with a young boy with severe allergies, I made him his own food bag and sent a pic of everything that went into it and mum agreed. He knew not to eat other things as is 4

I go with him, I also take some safe party type food he can have if there isn’t a lot of ‘safe’ food on offer.

My kid with allergies is older now so goes to places on his own but when he was younger I always stayed and provided own food as close to what everyone else was eating as possible. The birthday child's parents were always really welcoming and bent over backwards to include my son as much as they could. Can't believe that mum didn't invite you to come or if not possible at least try to work out a safe solution with you.

DS16 has multiple severe allergies requiring an epi pen, including raw apply/celery/carrots, all things routinely served.

We would run through things with parents first, at that age he was fully trained what he could/couldn't eat and how to recognise and manage his reaction.

If the parents weren't trained we would either ask to stay (out of the way) or lurk about nearby.

I was adamant I didn't want him to miss out, and probably did afford him more responsibility than many other parents works, but recognise this is his life and it's only fair he gets to join in as much as possible. I know other parents feel they need to be closer to oversee, neither is wrong.

Given the circs I think you need to make clear you need to be nearby (but not included) not hope they offer, I don't think they would realise that's what you're hoping they offer

My friend was in your position. She would accept the invite, ask the host what types of food she was serving and replicate it (within reason) in a packed lunch box to be eaten alongside the party food.

This wasn't a life threatening allergy though but it was quite a significant issue if food was contaminated.

This worked until the child was older and could make their own choices.

Following with interest as DS has multiple severe allergies and is just at the age where this is becoming an issue.

Our plan is to be there as much as we can; I hate being the helicopter parent too but needs must and I'd rather he go to the party than not.

As DS is allergic to things like dairy, nuts and legumes it's too complicated to explain what's safe and list safe foods so we're just going to have a blanket "do not eat any other food or drink" rule and send him with a packed lunch.

Will try to ask parents what the party food is so we can make "safe" copies like home made vegan pizza or vegan cupcakes.

Also considering an allergy t-shirt/ bracelet as he's only 2.

@ExPatHereForAChat

Following with interest as DS has multiple severe allergies and is just at the age where this is becoming an issue.

Our plan is to be there as much as we can; I hate being the helicopter parent too but needs must and I'd rather he go to the party than not.

As DS is allergic to things like dairy, nuts and legumes it's too complicated to explain what's safe and list safe foods so we're just going to have a blanket "do not eat any other food or drink" rule and send him with a packed lunch.

Will try to ask parents what the party food is so we can make "safe" copies like home made vegan pizza or vegan cupcakes.

Also considering an allergy t-shirt/ bracelet as he's only 2.

We were going to do a bracelet for DS but quickly realised it would a) be impossible to list all his allergies and b) people don't realise what legumes (or stone fruit etc) are -lentils maybe, beansprouts/mange tout less so. Seems to be more effective for nuts/dairy as most recognise all in those groups.

We've also give over the years that is much helpful to say what he CAN eat, is chips/ham/bread roll/Haribo -and always offer to provide own food

Thanks for all the great replies, I think going forward I'll be more firm in my approach on being in the play centre/bowling alley etc and even if I feel that the parents aren't happy to have me there I can always drop DD off and sit in the car or the closest cafe and just be on hand if anything crops up. DD is very cautious with things and even at home questions everything I give her and makes me read the label multiple times if it's something new to her. She does the same when visiting family so I know I can trust her not to just eat something even if it looks delicious! She got too big of a scare to even attempt to sneak a small taste of something that hasn't been checked.

Thankfully her friendship group in the street all know of her allergy and the parents send me pictures of food labels/brands and ask me to double check before they offer her any and she is so happy to be able to be included in this way. It was just this party issue that threw me and I wanted to be able to go forward knowing what's in place for future parties. Have just spoken to DD and she says she wouldn't want to be at a party without me around and would be happy even if I was just in the car so I definitely will be doing that if it's not possible to stay with her.

Good point about the bracelet not being big enough to list allergies. May just get one that says 'Allergies!' or 'I carry an epi pen'.

Sounds like we're dealing with similar food allergies. I suspect stone fruits too but didn't have the heart to bring yet more foods to his recent skin prick tests so we're just avoiding for now!

When my DS was little I used to send his own food to parties and I always stayed. I never had a host object - mostly they were relieved I think. I did know most of the other parents though as we live in a small village..As he got older I didn't always stay but always remained in the vicinity. It does get easier as they get older, though I did find it hard to relax when he went abroad with school for the first time without me in year 9. All was well of course, but I think there's always some degree of extra anxiety when your child has allergies.

We always offered to send food. Now DS is older I check with the host and either tell him what he can eat or if they prefer send a lunch box.

You’ve been too passive. Very often other parents hear allergies etc and think oh they can’t come. In these instances I would respond as though it isn’t an issue at all, which it isn’t, and therefore remove the stigma.

I would send a blanket reply in future -

‘DD can’t wait to come, thank you so much. Just to let you know she has severe allergies to XYZ. She is fine being around it, please just ensure that her food won’t come into contact with. Please don’t worry about feeding her, I will send her a packed lunch - is there a particular food you’re serving so I can do hers on the same line? If not I’ll just send her with lunch. She carries her epi pen with her at all times so she will also have that. Do you know how to administer? If not absolutely no worries! I can show you or another adult how when I drop her off! Thanks again!’

Just a heads up for any parent hosting a child with an epi pen. If the pen has to be used make sure you call for 999 backup immediately - even before you call the parents - telling the call taker that it is a case of a child with anaphylactic shock. The first pen is buying time, but may not be enough.

Another thing we used to do for DS was an index card with bullet points on.

Top had both our mobiles in and a list of things he was allergic to.

Then clear bullet points of what to do if a reaction, as he would frequently require anti histamines/steroids/inhaler so it listed signs to look out for, from anaphylaxis down through to itchy throat and mouth, dosages and then as above to call 999, what to say and then to call us.

We kept it in the medicine bag we took out/handed over, found it really reassured others (and the having our phone numbers at the top was so helpful)

You could stay for the duration. Help out with activities, take a book to read. Nobody would refuse you staying and of its a home oaty I'm sure mum would appreciate the help and adult company, I know I would

Just a thought but the venue should have a first aider who would be able to step in if the worst happened ?

I have been at parties and hosted parties with my child who has a food allergy. My experience has been that parties are too chaotic to be sure that the host will make sure the allergic child is not accidentally served the wrong food. So until my child was old enough for me to feel that he would take control of his own food, I only allowed him to attend a party if I could be there too, at least for the part when food was served (in the room, not in the car outside; my rule is that the epinephrine and someone who can administer it needs to be in the building she's in, so she can get epinephrine immediately if needed). That way the host didn't have to worry about accidentally giving my child the wrong food. She could just enjoy celebrating her own child while I would ensure my child's needs were met. I've never had a parent exclude my child from a party because I asked to attend, but I know that there are parents who decided not to foster friendships with my child (i.e. no party or playdate invites from them) because the parents were worried about dealing with his allergies.

Other parents I know who have allergic kids have made different choices and I respect that. One child was just told never to eat party food (no cake, no candy) instead of bringing his own safe treats. To me this seemed like a boring way to handle it but he did obey his mum's rules and the party hosts respected it. And, as his mum pointed out, he never lacked for treats at home. It allowed him to attend more parties because his mum didn't have to spend all that time preparing safe treats each time he had a social event.

I would ask if you can attend parties. Just something like, "She's allergic to xyz, I usually attend parties alongside her, that way I can make sure she doesn't accidentally get the wrong food. It just makes it easier for the host, they don't have to worry about her food at all. Would that be ok with you?" The host can say no, that's their prerogative, but more likely they'll say yes. If they say no, you have to respect that. Over time you can teach your daughter how to manage party situations and then you can start giving her more freedom.

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme

You’ve been too passive. Very often other parents hear allergies etc and think oh they can’t come. In these instances I would respond as though it isn’t an issue at all, which it isn’t, and therefore remove the stigma.

I would send a blanket reply in future -

‘DD can’t wait to come, thank you so much. Just to let you know she has severe allergies to XYZ. She is fine being around it, please just ensure that her food won’t come into contact with. Please don’t worry about feeding her, I will send her a packed lunch - is there a particular food you’re serving so I can do hers on the same line? If not I’ll just send her with lunch. She carries her epi pen with her at all times so she will also have that. Do you know how to administer? If not absolutely no worries! I can show you or another adult how when I drop her off! Thanks again!’

I think this is good until you put "Do you know how to administer? If not absolutely no worries! I can show you or another adult how when I drop her off!".

Some parents will be absolutely fine with that. I would; I have done basic training some time ago, and I'd appreciate a reminder.

However to put the parent in that position is putting them potentially into a level of responsibility that they may be unhappy about.
I'd alter that to "would you like me to show you how to use it, or would you like me to arrange for someone to stay who knows?"

But you do need to tell them. I remember giving a child I didn't know very well a lift. The conversation went like this:

Her: "I've found a nut on the seat." (passes it to me)
Me: "Sorry, is there any more?" (small fragment of almond from a Danish I'd bought earlier and dropped out of the bag.)
Her: "I'm allergic to nuts."
Me: "How allergic?"
Her: "I've got my epi pen here...."

So I had to, with only the knowledge of what she had just said, assess what to do very quickly. (checked she was feeling okay, wiped her hands down, got the epi pen out of her bag and next to me, made sure she talked all the way home, and told mum immediately.)
It was one of the more nerve-wracking drives I've done-thankfully only 5 minutes. Mum was then able to tell me that touch wasn't an issue (and nor were almonds).