If you have a child with allergies how do you do parties?

[BorisTheBellendPM]

DD has missed out on a friends birthday party this morning because she has allergies and carries an epipen but is too young to know how to use it herself yet (she's almost 8 and can tell me step by step what to do but I know if she took a reaction she would be too distressed to remember the steps and administer the epipen herself). The party is a drop off one and I don't know the Mum very well other than a quick hello when we see each other at school. I felt like it was too much to put on the Mum to monitor what DD is eating and indeed what others sitting close to her are eating as kids parties are often hectic enough without that responsibility added on. I did reply to say about DDs allergies and that she can't attend parties yet without a parent to keep an eye on her and the Mum replied to say thats a shame, X will miss her but see her at school Monday so I know that me being there wasn't an option which I do understand will happen at times.

So for future parties I'm just wondering what the best thing to do is? Say she can't go to any of them unless I know the parents well enough to go over the epipen usage with them (even then I'm really not comfortable leaving her with someone not trained in their use)? Say I need to go with her to every party (oh hello helicopter parent!) which could be awkward for people? Or what? She only developed the anaphylaxis this year so this is the first drop off party we've encountered so it has just thrown me as to what the best thing to do is.

I think she just misinterpreted your wording. If I read a message like that I would assume you didn’t want her to be at the party. Next time just tell them that you’ll have to attend to supervise due to her allergies. Doubt anyone would say no!

I would have just said I'm attending and how can I help out while I'm there etc.

We tend to go with a big tuppawear box of party treats DD isn't allowed the rest of the time. I freeze dairy free cupcakes for example so she's not left out of cake and I take sweets and crisps she can have. That way she just eats off my box lid and no cross contamination.

I would send DS with the same food.
One party was getting takeaway pizza, which we would never risk. So I sent him with home cooked pizza in the cardboard box.
Long text to the parents to explain what he is allergic to and epi-pen instructions. And if I didn't know or trust the parents I would stay.
He has a medical bracelet saying food allergies and epi-pen with my number.

Hi @boristhebellendpm I have dd also 8 with hyperactive immunity. She doesn't currently need an epi pen but I have one and she knows exactly how to use it. As a single mum I have taught her from being very young. She also knows exactly what her triggers are and how to avoid them. At 3 years old and taster day at school surrounded by kids and adults she had never met, dd took on 2 teachers who demanded she at tomatoes and drank milk. She refused, was able to explain why and when they finally checked with reception she was praised for her confidence and knowledge.

I mean this in the nicest way, but I am afraid that you need to teach your dd more coping strategies and how to deal with her allergy and epi pen. At 8 she should be capable. You also need to put a spare couple in a bag and ensure the host is aware of how to use (there are instructions on the side of mine, does your dd's have the same?)

You can't isolate her from everyone, as much as I absolutely understand the want to! School is my biggest stress for dd as it is the main place I cannot protect her!

My DD is only 4 but this will be us in time. you did the right thing if she wasn't willing to have you there. I think she should have invited you

My dc has multiple allergies and carry epipen. My dc went to multiple BD parties, and I think first bd party he went without me was when he was in reception.
He was really aware of his allergies, and knew he shouldn't eat anything. We always provided him with food.

It's really worth it to teach her what she can/cannot have and take control? She will be going to residential trips etc soon?

Haven't read all the posts but I would have made it clearer on your reply that you would love to attend so your daughter didn't miss out, and you needed to be there for medical reasons. Surely most parents would oblige? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

Milk, egg, tree nuts. We would find out what was being served and try to match as much as possible. Always sent in own food plus cake and epi-pen plus inhaler. DC was raised to know not to accept offered food due to allergies (started teaching this when I realized I had no control on what happened at school). At home parties etc serve as much ‘friendly’ food as possible with suitable substitutes eg pizza. Ask them to wash hands after (friends all know why so just do it. Can’t risk milk protein daubed daubed around the house). As much as possible we made sure DC did not miss out. It’s about living with a condition iyswim

At event parties I used to ask the parents what time food was being served and would drop a McDonald’s off for my DC

Both are Vegetarian coeliacs but quite safe with fries and a milkshake, it stopped the other kids helping themselves to food that had been done for them because they wanted it leaving mine without

Parents were fine as it saved them the problem of feeding our kids

I do not have a child with allergies, but have had several parties where some of the children had allergies. At one of DD's parties one of the girls couldn't have nuts (not even may contain traces of), there was a Muslim girl who couldn't have pork or gelatine, and another child with coeliac disease.

Yes shopping for the party took forever. Who knew frozen pizzas may contain traces of nuts? But I was determined that all the food should be suitable for all the children, no "special food" for the allergic ones or the ones with other dietary needs. In my experience of DD being asked to attend parties, parents will generally ask up front about allergies. DD's friends were not allergic to the point of needing an epipen, but if a parent had asked to stay because they were worried, I would not have a problem with that.