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Original poster

Away with DH. NOTHING to say to each other.

39 replies

pumpkinpieintheski · 05/11/2021 21:49

Hi.
I'm away for the weekend with my DH. Romantic hotel. Nice mini break for us without DD or step son. First time away since we had DD. It's become apparent have absolutely NOTHING to say to each other. Dinner was painful, drinks after even worse. Trying not to talk about work which is all we really manage to talk about to make conversation flow. Just feeling a bit sad, when did this happen? We never used to have a problem talking, I feel like life has got in the way of us and I've only just realised...we're normally so busy and now we've stopped it all feels a bit weird. Is this normal??

OP posts:
Heruka · 05/11/2021 21:54

I think it is normal but can you just name what’s happening and talk about that? Tell him how you are feeling!

CurlyMango · 05/11/2021 21:54

Very normal. We need to also take the time to rediscover each other and why we got together in the first place. Life gets so busy with kids, jobs and other commitments. Together takes several steps back.

NiceGerbil · 05/11/2021 21:58

You know each other v well. It's common to not have much to say!

No chat about food even?

Get out and about tomorrow. Look at something interesting. Only option. Say let's go and do something tomorrow. Get out and about. What do you fancy, let's look on net for what there's to do near here.

Convo and plan and talk about what look at... Any help?

TheQuest · 05/11/2021 21:59

What are you doing tomorrow? Talk about that. Having something to do might help.
Talk about how you’re feeling and what you both could do to help.

Original poster
pumpkinpieintheski · 05/11/2021 22:06

Thanks. In the bath at the moment... will get out and try once again to be perky & happy. He just seems tired and not up for anything, even talking. Maybe he'll be better in the morning after a good interrupted nights sleep. There's always tomorrow night. It helps to know this is normal. I've been looking forward to this break for ages so just a bit sad it's not all giggles & romance.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinpieintheski · 05/11/2021 22:06

*uninterrupted!

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkinpieintheski · 05/11/2021 22:08

We did talk a little about food / hotel. I'm quite positive but he was putting a dampener on it all and moaning about everything so I just gave up. He never used to be like this. Think we've forgotten how to be together as a 2.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 05/11/2021 22:19

Ah ok.

So it's not so much neither of you had anything to say. But that he was either in a bad mood/ or you seem to imply like this all the time.

He seems tired ok well that can make you in bad mood. Good night's sleep.

I really would say you want to do something tomorrow or if he's still like that it's going to be hideous.

If you tried and he was being crap and he's like this a lot then the problem is with him isn't it.

NiceGerbil · 05/11/2021 22:21

I think giggles and romance is a big ask when been together ages.

Comfortable relaxing and smiley etc more likely!

That aside... Was he keen when booked?

hopeishere · 05/11/2021 22:29

I think it takes time to decompress. DH and I have to do bi monthly two hour drives together. It takes a while to warm up and get back to chatting.

Just enjoy the company and being together don't fret.

Original poster
pumpkinpieintheski · 05/11/2021 22:32

He booked it. Sorry wasn't clear - it's probably a bit of both - he's tired from overworking and also we've just run out of conversation. I honestly never struggle to talk to anyone especially DH so this feels so weird. It's like we just don't know how to be alone together anymore - there's always children or work or our house taking up all our time and conversations. Without all the madness it just feels very silent. I think I might just try to stop worrying and enjoy it for what it is - peace!

OP posts:
marly11 · 05/11/2021 22:35

Maybe try not to worry. I think there tends to be too much riding on these 'time without the kids nights away' events. They are fraught with expectation and I find that difficult personally. I think scheduled 'things to do' such as trips out and 'going to see something' which can fuel a conversation are a good idea as suggested. You are both probably exhausted which doesn't help with the whole sudden 'requirement to rekindle' thing.

NiceGerbil · 05/11/2021 22:36

You need to do new things to give you something to talk about imo.

Good luck hope he's in a better mood after a good sleep.

godmum56 · 05/11/2021 23:05

@marly11

Maybe try not to worry. I think there tends to be too much riding on these 'time without the kids nights away' events. They are fraught with expectation and I find that difficult personally. I think scheduled 'things to do' such as trips out and 'going to see something' which can fuel a conversation are a good idea as suggested. You are both probably exhausted which doesn't help with the whole sudden 'requirement to rekindle' thing.
this ^^ absolutely. One of the things I miss really miss about my DH is that we could just sit in silence together and decompress. By silence I don't mean "don't talk to me shut up" but just being together with no expectations. This is going to sound a bit stupid and new agey but if your lives are generally busy do you think you might have to learn how to stop and just "be"?
Lockheart · 06/11/2021 00:03

It's a cliche, but Google some random conversation starters and go from there! Assuming you both want to talk but just need a nudge to get started.

The one I saw the other day was 'If humanity could know everything there is to know about the sea OR everything there is to know about space, which would you want?'

Don't force it though, there's nothing wrong with a comfortable silence. But if you do want to talk and you're struggling then some slightly off the wall prompts can be a good way to start.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/11/2021 00:11

Can you say "god, this is weird! We've not been alone together for so long, I think we've forgotten how to do it!", or would that just be more excruciatingly awkward?

If he's being moody though it's not that you have nothing to talk about, it's just him being miserable. In which case crack open a good book until he cheers up.

OnyxOryx · 06/11/2021 00:23

he's tired and doesn't seem to be up for anything, even talking

This part isn't normal. If you've gone away with someone who you're supposed to love and respect and care about etc then you make an effort to be good company, even if you feel awful for some reason. You're feeling weird because a) you can't have a conversation or a relationship all by yourself and b) you're not a performing monkey, which is the role he's put you in with his behaviour.

As per PP suggestions organize something to do tomorrow whether he wants to or not, so at least you can have an enjoyable day out. If he goes with you but is a miserable arse just tune him out. For now crack open a book and ignore him. Also tell him he's being miserable and spoiling the weekend, gives him a chance to improve. If he doesn't apologize and make more effort, I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

Sparklfairy · 06/11/2021 00:28

Without all the madness it just feels very silent.

Sometimes the madness takes over and when you remove yourself from it, it leaves a void. You kind of both have to want to "fill" it to get past that, so if his attitude and moaning is more than just tiredness you may have an issue.

Its a bit like when you book a holiday and are full on at work in the run up to your leave. It can take a few days to settle and get out of work mode. As you're only away for the weekend, maybe a solution is to have more times like this, perhaps not expensive frequent weekend breaks depending on finances, but date nights, regular alone (together) time?

TheQuest · 06/11/2021 00:35

If you’re going to spend any time watching tv, find a comedy to watch together. It will be a good way to decompress and release any stress.
Or give each other a massage to reconnect.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 06/11/2021 00:39

Play the ' what will we do when we win the euromillions ' game.
Will you be staying at that hotel all the time or buying the beautiful mansion you can see from the window etc?
This is one of our proper topics of conversation! Keeps us going for ages!

TheMawisbraw · 06/11/2021 02:06

Just bang his brains out, problem solved and enjoy the silence in between

TreeSmuggler · 06/11/2021 02:33

This is totally normal I thought, the weird part is that you seem to have gotten this far without it happening.

I'd never go out with my DH for dinner and drinks afterwards, that's more of an activity for dates or friends isn't it? Nothing wrong with saving different activities for different people.

hopeishere · 06/11/2021 07:34

he's tired and doesn't seem to be up for anything, even talking

This part isn't normal. If you've gone away with someone who you're supposed to love and respect and care about etc then you make an effort to be good company, even if you feel awful for some reason

I disagree. If it was the first flush of young love maybe. But in an established relationship I think I it's ok to just flop from exhaustion. The expectation of it being super romantic or super fun does definitely add pressure.

Give him a massage??!? Do people actually do stuff like that? DH would piss himself laughing if I suggested that.

Gizlotsmum · 06/11/2021 07:38

I hope things are better this morning. I can be a total grump after a long week…

Leaveitonthefloordrobe · 06/11/2021 08:22

Give him a massage??!? Do people actually do stuff like that? DH would piss himself laughing if I suggested that

I thought the same 😂 Sorry, I don't have any advice to offer. Dh and I rarely do anything as a couple and if I'm honest I worry a bit about what life will be like when the kids aren't living here anymore.