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Original poster

My school bully just spoke to me and I can't stop shaking

41 replies

Acunningruse · 04/11/2021 12:16

This is ridiculous I am a 39 year old happy, confident professional woman. But right now I'm shaking like a leaf snd on the verge of tears.
Our children go to the same school and I had successfully and pointedly avoided her until now.
However I walked into our local coffee shop and she was there with her mum and STARTED TALKING TO ME Angry
Why was I so British and repressed and chatted along? Why couldn't I tell her how she made my life hell snd I will never, ever forget it?
So angry at her and myself and didn't know where else to post 😡

OP posts:
RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 04/11/2021 12:18

I have this too. I once heard her come into the front door of a party I was at (daytime Christmas drinks party, all grown ups), and ran out of the back door, climbed a fence to get out of the garden and went home. Just to avoid her talking to me.

It's shit, isn't it.

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2021 12:20

i am a 39 year old happy, confident professional woman.

Your response of chatting along has proven this. She didn't break you.

What were you supposed to do? Lay into her? Embarrass her? Blank her with a look of disdain? That would have made her the wronged one and she would twist it in her mind that she's the victim.

Honestly I think you did the right thing.

Amazingblossoms · 04/11/2021 12:25

I got totally trashed at a friend's wedding when my school bully turned up. It was like a switch flipped. We said hello and did the air kiss thing but I obviously couldn't handle the feelings!

I have made my peace with it since and am over it.

I get why you had a visceral reaction, hope you're ok now

GaladrielHiggins · 04/11/2021 12:26

It might have been a shock this time, but next time you will be better prepared to deal with it. My exDHs OW turned up working in the same room as me and the first time I saw her ( she would never have spoken to me) I was exactly the same. Could barely work the security door to get out and was shaking and in tears when I got to the car. It did get better though.

Original poster
Acunningruse · 04/11/2021 12:27

@RuleWithAWoodenFoot I get this so much, that feeling like you can't breathe and just have to get out. I really feel for you it's so shit when you have to still see them regularly.

Thank you @Sparklfairy that's kind. Yes much as I'm berating myself for not confronting her, you're right she would then be able to portray herself as the victim. Interesting that despite the fact she sees me every week she chose the one time she was with an elderly relative to start talking to me Angry

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 04/11/2021 12:28

Well done- you did the right thingBrew I agree with pp what else could you do. YOU are the better person here.

Original poster
Acunningruse · 04/11/2021 12:31

@Amazingblossoms that's so good to hear you've moved on and made peace with your school experience, was there anything in particular which helped you do this?
@GaladrielHiggins ThanksThanksThanksthis must have been horrendous

I just feel so exposed somehow. like everything I've achieved as an adult has been stripped away snd I'm sitting here like a vulnerable child.

OP posts:
Amazingblossoms · 04/11/2021 12:40

[quote Acunningruse]@Amazingblossoms that's so good to hear you've moved on and made peace with your school experience, was there anything in particular which helped you do this?
@GaladrielHiggins ThanksThanksThanksthis must have been horrendous

I just feel so exposed somehow. like everything I've achieved as an adult has been stripped away snd I'm sitting here like a vulnerable child.[/quote]
Honestly, a mix of things helped me move on. Don't get me wrong, I haven't exacy forgiven her but I don't get overwhelmed by it any more.

My husband helped me put things in perspective by talking it through, he said she probably has a very different recollection of what happened and he's probably right.

I learned that she had a very unhappy home life (not an excuse but an explanation)

Realised it was doing me no good to hang on to things and I'd be doing myself a favour by moving on..

Among other things

Sparklfairy · 04/11/2021 12:42

Interesting that despite the fact she sees me every week she chose the one time she was with an elderly relative to start talking to me

Yes, this struck me too. It occurred to me that she wanted you to be a cow to her so that she felt "justified" in her previous bullying, and with a witness there she could freely spread it around how horrible you are, although I've no doubt her mother is completely in the dark about what she did to you.

I of course could be way off the mark, but if that was her angle, its backfired Smile

ElftonWednesday · 04/11/2021 12:47

How ridiculous it would look if you confronted her.

Personally I like Sarah Millican's response when her former school bully wrote to her, after she became famous. "I can't say as I remember you too fondly from that time."

That's what I would say if she started bringing up school days, otherwise leave it.

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 04/11/2021 12:55

I think you have every right to confront her and it can be done without making a scene.
You don't have to pretend nothing happened.

Platax · 04/11/2021 13:03

If you had told her that she had made your life hell and you still felt strongly about it, effectively you would be telling her that her bullying worked.

I subscribe to the view that living well is the best revenge. If you chatted happily to the bully to show that she has not been able to grind you down and that you have had a happy, successful life since leaving school, that in itself is going to annoy her thoroughly. And the truth is that, if you are a happy, confident professional, she didn't achieve what she wanted to, did she? You should give yourself massive credit for your own major success in depriving her of whatever nasty, petty goal she had in mind.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 04/11/2021 13:14

If you are a different person now then so is she.

Owlink · 04/11/2021 13:20

Bullies are rarely brave enough to speak when they're on their own. Pathetic that having an elderly relative with her gave her confidence.

I'd feel exactly the same as you. There's a local bully and I hate myself when I speak to her nicely instead of screaming "you nasty bitch, fuck off & leave me alone!"

We have to be the bigger people I suppose. Don't give them the satisfaction of getting to you, don't give them any part of you & remember that bullies are inadequate, sad, jealous people that almost everyone sees through & avoids. Sorry, it seems all I have to offer is clichés but you definitely did the right thing in blanking her with inauthentic pleasantries.

Hoppinggreen · 04/11/2021 13:21

Don’t confront her
Channel Sarah Millican and pretend to hardly remember her

StaplesCorner · 04/11/2021 13:28

I think if you listen to/watch Sarah Millican talking about her school bully it shows how bullying can affect lives years later - its not taken seriously enough but that's a whole other thread. Both my DDs were bullied one developed severe mental health issues as a result, the other I thought she had coped better then one day we saw one of the bullies maybe 100 yards away going into a shop and I was gutted to see how upset she was just to literally catch sight of one of these bitches (she's 20 now).

I think other posters are right in saying well what could you have done; not a lot of options but maybe just ignore her? Just wave and say oh must dash - that sort of thing? Don't get drawn into conversation with her? I admire you though for being able to carry a conversation and then walk away. And for reaching out here for support.

BuffyFanForever · 04/11/2021 13:31

Carrying on and chatting as normal is the best thing you could have done! Don’t let some nasty person have power over you. Well done for dealing with it!!

ColinTheKoala · 04/11/2021 13:40

Not a school bully but an old bullying boss in my case.

I was at an industry event and she sat in the row in front of me! Fortunately I had my head down doing something and the lady next to me was standing up and blocking her view a bit so she didn't see me. I was able to leave at the next break. As someone said living well (and in my case having a better job with nicer colleagues) is the best revenge but it's being able to react in the moment. I have a rehearsed response now if I ever come across her again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2021 13:50

There was a thread on this a few weeks ago and the op had a zoom call with a possible new supplier and the lead presenter was the her old school bully. She did brilliantly and so did you. A few comments on there about how some bullies had no concept they were even bullies in later life, acted as long lost friends etc. If you’re interested this was the thread.Flowers www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4373096-Shit-I-think-I-have-a-zoom-meeting-with-my-childhood-bully?pg=1

YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie · 04/11/2021 13:56

I totally understand. I opened the door to mine on Halloween Shock She was there trick or treating with her son. It took me a beat, but a quick complement to her little boy about his costume and an offer of sweets just like everyone else got me back in the moment . I felt utterly shit afterwards, like my home had been violated which I know is silly. But this girl was physically violent towards me, broke my things and called me names which have affected me for the last 25 years. I just hope for her children’s sake she’s a better person now

scooterbear · 04/11/2021 14:06

I met mine at a wedding once. She chatted on as if we had been pals at school. I played along a bit as I was right back to being 13 and daren't not. But later on having had a few I did, quite calmly, say to her 'why was it you were so vile to me at school?'. She said she didn't know but she knew she had been and was sorry for it. It didn't take away the years I lost to crippling low self esteem but it did bring a bit of closure maybe. At least she admitted it I guess.

Tal45 · 04/11/2021 14:09

It's quite possible that she's grown up to be a perfectly nice person and has no idea of the huge impact she had on your life, bullies don't tend to be happy people and they don't tend to realise the impact of what they're doing even if it's right in front of them.

You are a confident professional woman, she doesn't have an important role in your life now. Continue to be polite if she speaks to you and leave it at that. You are a success, she is irrelevant.

Obsidiansphere · 04/11/2021 14:09

Grey rock…ignore ignore…luckily I moved hundreds of miles away from the town I went to school in but I know my ex bully is a counselling tutor now Hmm

RowanAlong · 04/11/2021 14:13

I’d maybe talk to someone about this? You might benefit from someone to help you acknowledge your feelings and find ways to get past it.

Gonnagetgoing · 04/11/2021 14:13

See for me - I wouldn't have necessarily have chatted to her - if I really didn't want to speak I just wouldn't have done. It might make me look stupid or not the bigger person but why should you have to speak to someone who makes you upset etc?

That way, you don't then have to scream at her, be 'faux nice' to her and chat.

Although my school bully admitted she had had a tough home life and was unhappy I still got bullying vibes.

A work bully was horrible to loads of people and I saw her once when I was out with a boyfriend, she looked over at me and smiled and I turned away. No change to engage there.