Page 2 | My school bully just spoke to me and I can't stop shaking

Acunningruse · 2021-11-04T12:16:18+00:00

This is ridiculous I am a 39 year old happy, confident professional woman. But right now I'm shaking like a leaf snd on the verge of tears. Our children go to the same school and I had successfully and pointedly avoided her until now. However I walked into our local coffee shop and she was there with her mum and STARTED TALKING TO ME [angry] Why was I so British and repressed and chatted along? Why couldn't I tell her how she made my life hell snd I will never, ever forget it? So angry at her and myself and didn't know where else to post 😡

Gonnagetgoing · 04/11/2021 14:15

@Tal45

It's quite possible that she's grown up to be a perfectly nice person and has no idea of the huge impact she had on your life, bullies don't tend to be happy people and they don't tend to realise the impact of what they're doing even if it's right in front of them.

You are a confident professional woman, she doesn't have an important role in your life now. Continue to be polite if she speaks to you and leave it at that. You are a success, she is irrelevant.

Why should OP or anyone else have to be polite to someone who was nasty to them, for the sake of it and in this case to keep up appearances?

glitterbug87 · 04/11/2021 14:16

My school bully sent me a friend request on FB 20+ years after we had left school with a message. She made my life pretty miserable at school and I still have some hang ups and lack confidence in the way I look partly due to those years.

I sent a reply back saying she must have forgotten we were not friends at school as I did not remember her in the same way. Pointed out we were never friends and I had absolutely no intentions of wanting to be friends now. Felt good to send that back. I then blocked her on social media!!

Vates · 04/11/2021 14:34

IT is shit, the feeling I mean. I am female but all my bullies were male. Before I quit facebook I saw one of the bully's children and he looked identical to the bully himself. Unless the child has his sense of humour (which often got him out of trouble) then he will get bullied for his looks, he was ugly and popular because he was so funny. They both look pointed and ferret like in face. It would be just desserts if he had to sort out his son being bullied for his looks. I don't feel any guilt. He was scum so, no, zero connection to his 'precious' spawn.

Lindy2 · 04/11/2021 14:39

You took the high ground and maintained your dignity.

What would having it out with her have achieved other than potentially making it even more awkward the next time you see her?

You did just fine and by achieving your current status as a professional woman you know that, despite being bullied, you are successful.

magicstar1 · 04/11/2021 14:45

She probably only did it because she was trying to look good in front of her relation. Ignore her next time you see her...it'll get easier.

I was at a party a few years ago and a woman I knew from school came over to me. She was all fake smiley and "how good to see you". I said to her "we weren't friends in school, let's not pretend now" and walked away. Some people were horrified but why should I pretend or waste my time on someone who wasn't nice to me for years.

Peppaismyrolemodel · 04/11/2021 14:50

You’re not obliged to empathise with her- but from a teachers perspective, the bullying child is often a child staff are deeply worried about from a safeguarding perspective. Children, even teens who look to their peers as if they are in control of their language and actions are generally just ‘playing pretend’ games to act out what they have seen adults do at home, sometimes to them.
If she is being friendly, chatty, but not pursuing you then she may well see what she did was wrong, even if she doesn’t see the whole impact.
You don’t have too-but you could ask her why, or if she knew the impact on you- though obviously you don’t owe her anything

Peppaismyrolemodel · 04/11/2021 14:52

@Vates

IT is shit, the feeling I mean. I am female but all my bullies were male. Before I quit facebook I saw one of the bully's children and he looked identical to the bully himself. Unless the child has his sense of humour (which often got him out of trouble) then he will get bullied for his looks, he was ugly and popular because he was so funny. They both look pointed and ferret like in face. It would be just desserts if he had to sort out his son being bullied for his looks. I don't feel any guilt. He was scum so, no, zero connection to his 'precious' spawn.

This is awful. What has a child done to deserve this- did you deserve it as a child?

Gonnagetgoing · 04/11/2021 14:53

@magicstar1

She probably only did it because she was trying to look good in front of her relation. Ignore her next time you see her...it'll get easier.

I was at a party a few years ago and a woman I knew from school came over to me. She was all fake smiley and "how good to see you". I said to her "we weren't friends in school, let's not pretend now" and walked away. Some people were horrified but why should I pretend or waste my time on someone who wasn't nice to me for years.

Exactly. Why on earth should you or I feel the need to be fake nice to someone who was a complete bitch and bully to us now?

Who cares if other people were horrified! Bet she was nice to them.

Crazybunnylady123 · 04/11/2021 14:59

This thread has made my feelings about my school bullying feel valid.
I have my lovely partner of 17 years and my two gorgeous kids. If I see anyone who bullied me I feel I regress back to 14 and I feel so stupid. Realistically nothing can happen to me I know that but something inside of me brings the feelings of the 14 year old out me out.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 04/11/2021 15:03

Nah, the best revenge is being unflappable, professional, having your shit together & making them squirm, not telling them how much they hurt you (and still do - it never really vanishes from my experience too). You should be very highly proud of yourself right now for not reacting like that

Vates · 04/11/2021 15:03

Peppaismyrolemodel because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in most cases. My ultimate wish = for no child to go through any type of bullying, it is damaging beyond repair in some cases. But society how it is will find a way. I would never hurt or harm a child, my goal was to make my bully feel something. If you had gone through what I went through from this person then you wouldn't be caring about his offspring either. I have zero contact with either, obviously. It is more fantasy than anything.

blissfulllife · 04/11/2021 15:04

I saw my school bully at a car boot sale. She had the bloody cheek to literally throw her arms around me and say oh wow I can't believe it's you blah blah blah. I was just frozen to the spot. My dh was just stood wondering wtf was happening and who was she when she introduced her husband. And out of nowhere I said "you poor sod being married to this vile piece of shit" and she laughed thought i was joking. I pushed past her and carried on. But gosh I was trembling. Her husband has got to of seen the terror in my eyes at seeing her. I wonder what he thought of it all.

I was in my 30's then I'm nearly 50 now and even typing this about her brings back the sickness and fear I felt all those years ago as a child.

Helocariad · 04/11/2021 15:07

Please don't feel bad about how you reacted. It sounds like you came across as pleasant, and the bigger person. So if the bully wanted to score a point or prove something to her relative, it didn't work .

If there is a next time, and she's alone, you can always just blank her. If she's not alone, maybe behave like you're in a rush and have no time for this woman.

Vates · 04/11/2021 15:12

P.s. it was was a twisted wish because I haven't forgiven my bully. But I was wrong to wish bullying, as it doesn't solve anything. I just fantasize sometimes that my bully feels regret. Even when he added me as a friend on facebook years ago I never said anything and definitely wouldn't about his son. It anger and the feeling of injustice at the end of the day: how can you have this nice life and I can't, mainly because of the scars you gave me. That's why. I never said anything of his son. It was a misguided attempt and pure fantasy of wanting to see him hurt.

Ohmybod · 04/11/2021 15:55

My DP had a near panic attack in a restaurant once. It was so so out of character. He only admitted when we got home that he had spotted his school bully. DH is a 6ft well built ex rugby player. This can happen to anyone OP, don’t be ashamed of your feelings. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully the bully is at home now feeling terribly guilty and remorseful.

eyeslikebutterflies · 04/11/2021 16:04

OP, the fact that your default response was to be polite and chatty speaks volumes about you: that you are a kind, generous-hearted person by nature. Unlike your bully, who will go through life struggling to find the good in it.

You don't need to get revenge, ignore her or anything else: your response would have killed her. Because she knows exactly what she did, and she now knows that she didn't break you at all.

(I was bullied at school, too: I know how you feel.)