Child-free v. "Breeders"

[LaMadrilena]

I came across a tweet by a child-free friend yesterday in which she referred to people who have children as "breeders," and to be honest it's left a nasty taste in my mouth. I didn't reply as I didn't fancy a spat on SM, so I've just come on here to muse/rant.

I have one child, and I wasn't sure I wanted any (some days I'm still not sure...). I can absolutely see the advantages of being child-free: more free time, more disposable income, one less thing to stress about. I would never judge anyone for the decision not to have children. I understand that some people feel that that world is overpopulated and that having children is selfish, bringing them into a world on the edge of environmental collapse, but I don't think there's any need to use a pejorative term for parents. Presumably this friend will be relying on others having children in order to still have doctors/street sweepers/shopkeepers/postmen to serve her in her old age.

I was surprised by how strongly I felt about her using the term "breeders." Maybe I'm overreacting and I'm a bit jealous of her?

I would definately call Boris Johnson a breeder.I agree, it is a nasty word,but there are some people who will just produce one after the other,without ever taking due responsibility.Luckily,most people dont have this attitude and are caring parents and not breeders.

I don’t have children and wouldn’t use it. Isn’t it the name of a TV show?

However, I have experienced discrimination and…well, not quite abuse but interview-style questions about “why I don’t have children”. There is usually about one post a month on here questioning why child-free people dare to use a site called ‘Mumsnet’. The OP usually gets ripped though TBF.

@Comedycook

It's a horrible term and I'd assume anyone who uses it is secretly bitter and wishes they had children.

I tend to agree based on my own experiences. A young (child free at the time) woman from my school was very vocal on social media about children and those who chose to have them, saying some very bitter and nasty things. It turns out she was having fertility problems. Once she eventually had a baby of her own her tune soon changed.

Arblemarch it doesn't really matter that you didn't ask to be born. The fact is you were and your life can only function and be enjoyable because other people also had children. It's not meant to be a 'gotcha' - I fully appreciate the benefits of a child free life and I also agree that some people who had children, really shouldn't have!
But the fact remains that all of us can only have any sort of quality of life because other people had children.

@choli

Other than accidental pregnancies most have them to fulfil a 'need'. A need of the parents though, not of the earth.*

Interesting idea. I always consider that some child coming into the world perhaps even mine, might be one of those who will provide ethical leadership to solve some of the issues the rest of us are facing.

Surely we are in need of new people and new ideas.
Not least people to pay taxes!

I find it really offensive

Perhaps you should remind her it's our children that will be paying the taxes that pay her pension one day 🤔

It's also a racist term. Well it certainly has racist origins. Look up the term in relation to slavery. Vile.

Some people mistake being childfree for a personality trait. DP and I are childfree (currently v much on the fence but not having them any time soon and may pursue adoption when we do.) We love certain aspects of the childfree lifestyle but being lumped in with the kid haters is awful!

We love kids, love our friends who have kids. I don't understand the twisted thinking that could lead your friend to be so aggressive in their language.

@RacketeerRalph

I am a breeder! I don't see the issue with the term to be honest. And I think having kids is quite selfish, but so is not having them- the decision to do something which overwhelmingly benefits you is what is selfish.

I can see your point there - it's selfish to fill a want to have children but also selfish to say actually no I don't want to share/sacrifice/give up my life for a child as well

But neither side likes to think of themselves as selfish and certainly wouldn't admit it

@Mybalconyiscracking

Well, she presumably comes from a long line of “breeders” herself.. silly cow!

Good point Next time you see her OP, ask her how her breeders are doing.

I examined really hard the reasons for having children, and I couldn't come up with a single one that wasn't selfish in some way (reminder if you haven't read OP, I have a child, I'm not judging others!). But it's a daft stance to think or imply that we should all just stop having them. For example (these aren't mine, just possible reasons):

• I feel an unexplainable, presumably biological, need;
• I love children and want to look after one all day long;
• I want someone to look after me in my old age;
• I want someone to love me unconditionally; Etc.

As others have pointed out, most people would be horrified (I hope) to hear derogatory terms being used for people who won't or especially can't have children. I can kind of understand the term being used in certain contexts - Boris Johnson is an example, as someone mentioned - but even then, it's better to tread carefully when talking about people who appear to have been irresponsible in having children and the possible circumstances or reasons behind that decision.

Again as others have said before me, this does seem to be part of a really distasteful trend over recent years of things being divided along tribal lines - Brexit, vaccines/masks/trans issues etc. It really makes me worry for mankind, and I'm not the kind of person that usually gets hysterical about what I see on SM, because the arguments are usually ridiculous. It's all getting very depressing.

To respond to some PPs, the comment wasn't made to me, it was in Twitter conversation with the someone with the same POV as my friend. I really didn't feel like jumping in to someone else's conversation just to start a fight - far better to come and rant on MN (note my choice to post in Chat rather than AIBU - I'm a cowardy custard)! Yes I probably am overreacting in terms of how offended I felt - I'll get over it now I've got it off my chest.

She's rude. Just like a person with children would be rude if they referred to her child free status with a derogatory term. She clearly has issues.

It's definitely offensive. There's a whole group of them on Reddit or a sub called r/childfree where they use terms like "breeder" and "crotch goblins" freely.

I always consider that some child coming into the world perhaps even mine, might be one of those who will provide ethical leadership to solve some of the issues the rest of us are facing.

I very much doubt that many people will hod such an altruistic view when deciding to have a family. With the exception of unplanned pregnancies or pregnancy as a result of abuse/rape I think most women actively want babies to satisfy a need or biological urge.

Hee hee - the thought that your own dc is going to save the world!

It is a derogatory term, but who cares? If people are genuinely happily child free, then they wouldn’t bother to sneer and snarl at those who do have dcs.

I do, however, know someone who I would say (secretly) is a breeder. Many dcs one after the other, earth mother and very smug about it type (“Oh, I’m so fertile it only takes one attempt; we can time the birth date exactly! “) . That’s a bit braggy breedery.

I have a lot of time for the idea of people choosing to be child free, until they start acting like incel edgelords about it

Mathew Wright used to call parents ‘breeders’ as a joke. He did have fertility problems.

Having babies in a capitalist and materialistic society does make having babies an odd choice.

However, most of the history of human existence has not had to deal with such an unnatural culture.

The love that most people have for their little ones is what gives most of the world's population a purpose in life and reason for living.

Without which, what is the point of our existence?

If being solely concerned about your own needs and responsibilities and not those of others is your purpose in life then great.

I work in mental health and the love people have for their DC is most often a protective factor in giving them a will to live.

Obviously you get exceptions but for the most part, a baby fulfills an innate need in a human soul.

Modern living doesn't make the process easy, that's for sure.

The term breeder I would say refers to a person who has children without love or concern for them, perhaps, and just churns them out? Hence the derogatory term.

@RampantIvy

I always consider that some child coming into the world perhaps even mine, might be one of those who will provide ethical leadership to solve some of the issues the rest of us are facing.

I very much doubt that many people will hod such an altruistic view when deciding to have a family. With the exception of unplanned pregnancies or pregnancy as a result of abuse/rape I think most women actively want babies to satisfy a need or biological urge.

some child coming into the world perhaps even mine, might be one of those who will provide ethical leadership

Well, they might - or they might grow up to be just another average person with a carbon footprint, or even to be an un ethical leader!

I don't think people have children for altruistic reasons, any more than altruism is the driving reason for not having them, where that's by choice.

@tcjotm

It’s extremely rude and a creepy term to use.

But I can’t get too worked up. She’s probably fed up with being called selfish for not having children and just lashed out.

Overall, a woman who chooses not to have children gets far more grief from people than those who do. It’s apparently so unnatural it freaks people out.

👆 this

Without which, what is the point of our existence?

Loads of people don't find a child free existence pointless. I didn't, and I still don't now that I have a child. Life is for living and enjoying regardless of whether you have children or not.

How offensive.

It so deliberately disparaging. You'd only use it to get peoples' hackles up.

@userg5647

Lol I can't get het up about this, I've bred so I guess that technically makes me a breeder?! I don't have any insecurity about it so don't feel defensive or even any frustration at someone who's using it in a derogatory way, I would assume the insecurity is coming from them. Meh 🤷‍♀️

It's no different from people who use "females" in daily use.

You are female after all. You ok with someone calling you a female? Truthfully? There is clearly some vim behind "breeder" which is why people hate the term

Because it is apparently ok to shame everyone who do not think or do like you these days.