Child-free v. "Breeders"

[LaMadrilena]

I came across a tweet by a child-free friend yesterday in which she referred to people who have children as "breeders," and to be honest it's left a nasty taste in my mouth. I didn't reply as I didn't fancy a spat on SM, so I've just come on here to muse/rant.

I have one child, and I wasn't sure I wanted any (some days I'm still not sure...). I can absolutely see the advantages of being child-free: more free time, more disposable income, one less thing to stress about. I would never judge anyone for the decision not to have children. I understand that some people feel that that world is overpopulated and that having children is selfish, bringing them into a world on the edge of environmental collapse, but I don't think there's any need to use a pejorative term for parents. Presumably this friend will be relying on others having children in order to still have doctors/street sweepers/shopkeepers/postmen to serve her in her old age.

I was surprised by how strongly I felt about her using the term "breeders." Maybe I'm overreacting and I'm a bit jealous of her?

I do find the selfish point interesting. With the exception of people who choose not have children to avoid passing on hereditary illnesses, most people's decision on whether or not to have children is a selfish one. And that's a good thing: people who don't want children shouldn't have them and people who choose to have children will (for the most part) make better parents. People will come with with other reasons after the fact to explain why they chose have children or remain childfree but most of the decision is going to be that they just wanted / just didn't want to have children.

It's a nasty, spiteful word that people use to make themselves feel superior.

Child-free is a nice way to describe someone who doesn't have children through choice.

Some people like her would object to being called childless because it doesn't reinforce that it is their choice. But while it may be a bit insensitive it's nowhere near as crass as breeder...

I mean, the word is parent. She's being deliberately offensive which tells you everything you need to know about her.

Lol I can't get het up about this, I've bred so I guess that technically makes me a breeder?! I don't have any insecurity about it so don't feel defensive or even any frustration at someone who's using it in a derogatory way, I would assume the insecurity is coming from them. Meh 🤷‍♀️

@KrispyKale

Sheay not be a nasty person, she may just be getting sucked into the whole online war of words that has been normslised.🤷

If you try to be even handed you are a bore without an opinion these days.

"Breeder" was used as a slur in this context. Nice people don't intentionally use slurs.

I was surprised by how strongly I felt about her using the term "breeders." Maybe I'm overreacting and I'm a bit jealous of her?

I wouldn't want to speculate on your reasons, but yes I do think you're overreacting. People say dumb stuff on social media all the time. Delete them and move on.

Did she go up to OP and use this term as a slur though?
Or did she think she was making a smart comment online to people who think similarly.
My take would be don't go looking for offence
Also more generally don't go looking for someone's overheard opinion of you. Many weaker willed people are often tailoring their opinions for their audience after all.

most people's decision on whether or not to have children is a selfish one.

I freely admit my reasons for not having children is 100% selfish. Plus I've only just about learned to take care of myself, let alone a child as well

I'm struggling massively with infertility. I'm so jealous of people who have kids and, I'll be honest, feel horrible temporary pangs of anger when someone I know announces a pregnancy I would never let it be known and I would never think/say such an offensive term like 'breeders', there's really no excuse for this type of hatred, whether it comes from a place of hurt or not. That's just immature and nasty

@LadyCleathStuart

I totally, totally get the not wanting to have children thing. Really I do.

I cannot fathom the hatred for people who have chosen to have children though. I mean their parents had them, they were children once. It just boggles the mind.

It's quite simple, though: people who genuinely don't want their own children are happy with that decision and are... well, happy people.

People who very probably DID want children and for whatever reason could not have them - they are the ones who come out with this weird, bitter stuff. Not having children when you want them must be one of the hardest things to have to come to terms with, because it really does dictate the shape of your life. This is the result. I don't believe for a minute that anyone who shows this hatred and bitterness is genuinely happy to be 'child-free' : it's not how happy, fulfilled people present.

@Willow231

I'm struggling massively with infertility. I'm so jealous of people who have kids and, I'll be honest, feel horrible temporary pangs of anger when someone I know announces a pregnancy I would never let it be known and I would never think/say such an offensive term like 'breeders', there's really no excuse for this type of hatred, whether it comes from a place of hurt or not. That's just immature and nasty

I'm so sorry Willow, I wish you all the best with being successful. Your response is a world away though, you're acknowledging normal feelings.

People who react like this aren't just sad at their situation, they can't cope with their situation, at all - it's the pinnacle of denial.

It's utterly bizarre.

It's a common term from a certain kind of aggressively child-free/anti-natalist online forum, OP -- see also 'crotchgoblins', 'crotchdroppings' 'crotchfruit' , 'hellspawn', 'mombie' (and quite a lot more far less pleasant) etc.

Also see "little smashers" "brats" and so on, routinely used on social media and on this site.

I'm childfree and wouldn't use the term.

You don't give the context of the tweet, but childfree women often find themselves forced onto the defensive - was your friend being challenged about her choice?

I'm childfree and I wouldn't use that term, I think it's rude.

However, childfree women are often called horrible names such as barren, unnatural etc. Not saying it's right to retaliate but it's not as simple as saying childfree women have some sort grudge against people with children.

I agree with PP that the comment most likely comes from a place of unhappiness. Presumably though, she will be happy for the children of these "breeders" to carry out surgery on her when she's elderly, deliver goods to her door and repair her roof when it's leaking?

Not a nice term at all. I am child-free by choice, and would call those who have children “parents”!! There’s no need to be obnoxious about different life choices

I’m child free, and am have various child free pages on my social media. Whilst there are some who would use ‘breeder’ to refer to all parents, I find it’s more commonly used for a particular attitude - the people who insist anyone who doesn’t have children is selfish/greedy/lazy/lonely, or that you’re only on this planet to reproduce and by not doing so, you’re failing. Often times these people don’t stop to think whether there are other factors at play beyond choosing not to have children; they’re typically very hurtful individuals who demand to know personal stuff about your life and won’t take no for an answer.

You may find your friend had a day where someone pushed her too far. If they are a good friend, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

It''s a reductive term putting women on a level with farm animals. I first heard it used by a gay man - he positively hissed it when he spoke. Guess who fell for my baby when she arrived? She's 35 now and still his little princess.
People use these terms because it's fashionable or cool or it touches on a raw nerve. I don't think they appreciate the full impact and that they are coming across as ignorant.

You really should challenge this at the time of you feel offended by it.
I would point out (even to someone I considered to be a friend) that it's other people's children serving her at the shop, growing the food she eats, ensuring she has water and electricity and healthcare.
And I would ask if she's happy having her own parents described in such terms.

@Aderyn21

You really should challenge this at the time of you feel offended by it. I would point out (even to someone I considered to be a friend) that it's other people's children serving her at the shop, growing the food she eats, ensuring she has water and electricity and healthcare. And I would ask if she's happy having her own parents described in such terms.

I don't think this is the 'gotcha' for the childfree that you think it is. Again, I am not defending the use of pejorative terms, but, on a personal level -

1. I didn't ask to be born and to need the services of others
2. My father is a man who should never have had children, and my mother was foolish for starting a family with him.

I think it's quite a dehumanising term. I have a big family and wouldn't change it for the world but I absolutely understand why other people wouldn't want that. There are positives to both. I don't understand why anyone has to be derogatory about someone else's choices. Calling me a breeder says that that is all I am. Well I'm not, it's not fucking gilead. I am a whole person and no more or less of one for having children, same as child free people are no more or less of a person for not having had them.

First of all, I don't have kids, never wanted them and don't especially like them.

I do think this goes both ways –people are rude about child-free people too. It's not uncommon to be called selfish, for people to assume you have all the time, freedom and disposable income in the world, and for colleagues to assume they have first dibs on good holiday dates/leaving work early etc as they have children, and that others can and will just pick up the slack.

BUT I would never call or refer to anyone as a breeder. It's deliberately insulting and dehumanising. I'd be wary of this 'friend' and would certainly look at them a bit differently.

It's a horrible term, and I say this as a happily childfree person. I spent a lot of time, about a decade ago, trying to find my "tribe" as I found I suddenly couldn't relate to long-term friends who were all talking babies. I joined a few childfree forums online thinking I could talk to likeminded people but I found them to be utterly hideous, obnoxious and full of hate. I wanted to talk to adults (ideally in a predominantly female environment) about work, travel, health, birth control, style and beauty, general family issues - including looking after aging parents. All they wanted to talk about was how much they hated children and examples of bad parenting they had seen that day. It was tedious and the language used made me feel uncomfortable - I couldn't imagine using those words to describe my mum, my grandmother, my friends... They all seemed to turn away from friends once they started having children. I didn't want to do that, I wanted tips on how to stay engaged and supportive but also having a separate space for baby-free conversation.

I eventually found all these things on MN of all places. It really amazes me that a site which was founded as a focus on parenthood can offer so much variety in conversation, whereas, in my experience, the childfree sites are dominated by talk about children.

It’s extremely rude and a creepy term to use.

But I can’t get too worked up. She’s probably fed up with being called selfish for not having children and just lashed out.

Overall, a woman who chooses not to have children gets far more grief from people than those who do. It’s apparently so unnatural it freaks people out.