How do you get your 16+ teen boys to talk to you?

[sharpiepaper]

If I ask my 17 year old DS anything I either get a grunt or ‘fine’. We eat together every evening and he can’t finish quickly enough so he can get away. If anything out of the ordinary has happened that day he can be quite enthusiastic, but it’s a rare occurrence. I’ve got no reason to be worried about him, but I’d love him to be bit more chatty and know what is going on in his life/head.

Oh god I wish I knew! I have 4 of them and haven’t unlocked the secret to getting them to communicate with me yet!

Watching, as I have two nearly 16 year olds and I can't crack this one.

Long car journeys help. Plenty of time to talk with no eye contact.

Tell them you're in a real rush, and if you don't leave in the next 2 minutes you'll miss your train
Sit down in front of the TV and say how much you've been looking forward to watching this programme. Or if mid programme, can they just wait two ticks while you find out who dunnit.

Both scenarios seem to encourage any teen to talk endlessly

Alternatively, either a walk or a longish car journey.

@MintJulia

Long car journeys help. Plenty of time to talk with no eye contact.

This is what I was going to say. No sons myself but my friend (male) used to go for drives with his teen son. Maybe stopping off for a snack or McD's... The lack of eye contact was surprisingly helpful.

Go for a drive - even if you have to manufacture an excuse or a shopping trip a bit far from home or similar. Facing forward (& being trapped in a car!!) is great for facilitating conversation. That and open ended non judgmental sentences & sometimes I find asking how X friend is getting on with something he’s mentioned before then leads to more chat about him.

I also text short ‘how’s it going with x’ questions’ when I get the inevitable ‘can I borrow a tenner’ text. “Sure, no worries, will be able to do that as soon as I’m back, how did the Geography test go?” etc.

Also trips away - a weekend somewhere to go and see friends (who he likes/has similar age kids or kids he knows) will mean there is a car trip involved, only works if it’s just us though! We moved across the country when he was 11 so we have a lot of friends where we used to live which makes that one easier!

Car journeys all the way. I have a dd who talks the hind leg off a donkey and I always know exactly what’s going on with her. But ds says very little to me at home as he’s too busy talking to his friends on the Xbox. However in the last year I’ve started dropping him off/picking him up from a bus stop 15 mins away for school, plus he’s started generally being out late a lot more and needing lifts. He’s told me so much on these car journeys! Not every journey, sometimes he sticks his headphones in and ignores me! But other times he’s told me loads of stuff about friendship issues, his plans for the future, what’s going on at school, worries and concerns he has, his relationship with his sister etc etc , it’s really quite amazing! He’s especially open on car journeys when it’s dark! So get your teenage boys to go out in the evening so they need a lift

Trips to McDonald's or KFC are usually winners

We also eat together but have done that since DS was old enough to sit at the table. We put in the time and persevered with conversation which has paid off in the long run- I think it's easy to let the habit slip and all of a sudden it's too late to get it back.

We also only had one child which means he always feels listened to and not overshadowed by siblings (admittedly this is not something you can do too much about if you have more than one already )

By not eating together every evening. We are very relaxed and don't have set meal times - for us, this obviously doesn't work for all but I feel forced contact only raises the defensive. I'm just around and talk when they want to talk. The majority of really good chat through the teen years has come when they have randomly appeared in the living room of an evening. I pause the TV or whether I'm doing and I listen. I also made a conscious effort to spend time and do things with them, together and individually. DD and I volunteered at a pet rescue (we have stopped now as she works shifts so can't commit) and DS was happy to go for a coffee with me after school once a week.

I have to say though, all the things I did I started much earlier on, before they were teens or when they were just entering the teen years. My 12 year old asked if we could go to Starbucks after school the other day and not only do I hate Starbucks coffee (I just had tea) it's also cold and dark and I couldn't think of much worse than a drive into town but she asked and I took her. It gave us some valuable chat time.

DS is 20 now but we have never stopped talking. Apart from the fact we have a similar sense of humour and political stance the main reason is gaming.

We have gamed together since he was 11, we run our own clan in an MMO game. Gaming is quite despised on MN so before anyone decides we are low life wasters will point out until I was ill I had a well paid career and studied at a RG University. DS will start his degree apprenticeship next year that has been on hold due to covid. He currently works for a freight company and plays in a football team. His Dad and him talk about football a lot and also politics though they have different points of view.

What do your dc like doing ?

You need to try and find something in common with them that they love that’s not about schoolwork or chores. We have gaming, sport and politics and a shared adoration of our cat who does daft things. DS sends clips of her leaping out of the laundry cupboard and stealing crisp packets.

Go for walks, similar to car journey..the lack of eye contact opens mine up.

Yes definitely run a long hot bath, watch your favourite programme or try to go to bed early

This will guarantee they will need to talk and chat about everything.

One piece of advice I'd give you is to not jump in and try to help them... My friends do this with their teens and it just doesn't work. They don't want solutions they just want to chat or talk. So they stop talking to them about things especially the important stuff!
I tend to say things like:

Why do you think they said/did that?
Sounds really difficult
What are you plans for sorting that out?
If you need any help, let me know

Etc... it really helps to get them to find solutions or just talk.

Don't be afraid to do something else, so keep washing up, or cooking or sort of watching TV, there is all this advice on giving your full attention and eye contact but I find this stops boys from opening up.

I have a 16 year old son too ....only time he really talks is when I drive him to and from the gym, he sits in back of car as front passenger seat is usually piled up with coats/shopping bags etc ... think him being in back, no eye contact etc definitely helps, "any news from school" usually does the trick or "so what are your latest thoughts on career/college plans" nothing too heavy, another mum told me the grunting stage tends to disappear once they hit their early 20s

I have a really close relationship with my teens. My 17yo is very open and honest with me and comes to me for advice.
The only thing I can think of that brought us like that is that I'm his only parent, and we used to game together a lot. I lost use of consoles when his younger brothers started taking over. But by then, I think things were quite set with my oldest.

We have a similar personalities too and I've always told him that he can talk to me about anything without any judgement or telling off. Which he has done time and time again. It was hard to begin with, when all you want to do is tell them how wrong it was for them to do whatever but it got easier over time. He now knows that it doesn't matter what it is, I will talk calmly with him.

The younger two seem to have followed in his footsteps and are becoming more and more open with me.

Also, I always seem to ask stupid questions which helps the younger two.
"What would you do if a spaceship landed infront of us right now?"
"If you could be an animal, what would you be and why?"
My kids know I'm weird, but these random questions they find humour in and they play along and eventually it moves on to other stuff.
That might work with your 16yo, just to open conversations.
Or you could try asking his advice or opinion on something.

I second the get in the bath/tell them you're in a rush/be engrossed in something

I try to ask simple but open questions, it works on one child but not the other though! They also both love to tell me bits of gossip which is quite funny. I also ask their opinion on things and if they do start a conversation with me I try to give them all my attention.

Agree with people saying go for a drive.

At 16-19 the best way to have a proper talk with them is to go for a mcdonalds/ to the cinema or whatever and talk on the way there and back.

I have a grunting moody 15 year old which is a shock after having a pleasant chatty child two years before

To try and have some kind of conversation with them, I’ve booked in a day in town on Saturday with pizza. So far, he seems to be looking forward to it but I may get blown out at the last minute if he gets a better offer!

Just join an EPL Fantasy Football league with him and his friends. Morning, noon and night he'll blether endlessly about who he's going to use this week, ask your opinion on whether his friend should use bench boost this week and message you constantly with possible injury issues with your squad members. Then all his friends will include you in their WhatsApp groups and do the same. You'll live to regret ever getting involved but you will know exactly what he's thinking about all day , what are the major decisions in his life he is wrestling with and who his friends are and as an added bonus the merits of filling your midfield with penalty takers.

You are welcome

See everyone’s coming out with all the standard “Parenting Advice” and crediting that for their communicative teens (go for a drive, ask open ended questions, eat with them, find a common interest etc etc) when in fact, having tried all these and got nowhere, I suspect it comes down to personality rather than parenting. You either have a talker or you don’t. I don’t. TBF this doesn’t surprise me as DH is not a great talker either.

@Ginandplatonic

See everyone’s coming out with all the standard “Parenting Advice” and crediting that for their communicative teens (go for a drive, ask open ended questions, eat with them, find a common interest etc etc) when in fact, having tried all these and got nowhere, I suspect it comes down to personality rather than parenting. You either have a talker or you don’t. I don’t. TBF this doesn’t surprise me as DH is not a great talker either.

I take the credit for my teens able communication because it was me who put the huge effort in and laid the foundations for years before the became teens. Yes I do agree personality plays a part, but okay the same time I don't think mine would be as they are had I not made the effort myself.

@LennyMurdoch you are perfectly illustrating my point - this smug implication that your kids talk and mine don’t because you’re a stellar parent and I’m not is pretty arrogant. And wrong.

[quote Ginandplatonic]@LennyMurdoch you are perfectly illustrating my point - this smug implication that your kids talk and mine don’t because you’re a stellar parent and I’m not is pretty arrogant. And wrong.[/quote]

Mum not being smug or arrogant. I genuinely believe my efforts helped my childrens communication as teens. You don't get to take that away from me any more than I get to say that's personality plays no part because I acknowledged that it does. There are a lot of factors at play, but without my input, my children would not have grown as they did. Please don't call me names for that.

I'm not being