Friends being mean girls to teenage dd

UsernameEmoji · 2021-11-03T20:49:25+00:00

Hi everyone, Sorry this is longer than I intended! I'm at the end of my tether with the group of girls my 15 year old dd hangs out with and I don't know what to do. My dd since being in secondary school has struggled to find her 'people'. She was always so bubbly and popular in primary but quite sweet and naive and it was a bit of a shock to her when she went to secondary school. She struggled to find strong friends and constantly found herself on the peripheral of groups but always feeling a bit uncomfortable and not really like she fitted in. Then a couple of years ago she found, what I thought, was a nice group of mates. But slowly over the last year or so, one of them started being really nasty to her then would say she was "just joking" [hmm] My dd has spoken to her about it and it stops for a week or so before starting again. Now the one in the group who my dd considered her best friend has started joining in. She has suddenly started being quite cold to my dd and my dd is distraught. It is breaking my heart. She used to be so confident and bubbly and now she is anxious and looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I'm so fucking pissed off at these girls. They know she is too anxious and sensitive to cause a scene and they take advantage of that. --Dh and I may have suggested punching them in the gob-- What can I do to help her? She was sobbing again tonight, so I have told her to take a mental health day tomorrow and I have emailed the Inclusion Manager to ask her to ring me. She has plenty of people she is friendly with, we have told her to build up those friendships rather than being so invested in this current group but I feel so sad for her. She said to me "mum, why does nobody check to see if I'm ok when I'm always there for other people?" [sad] If anyone has been through this, I would really appreciate some advice!

ANameChangeAgain · 03/11/2021 20:54

I'm sorry she is going through this. My DD went through similar the last year of primary and I remember being in the same position at around 13/14. Its heartbreaking but fortunately in my DD and my case temporary.
I think a day off tomorrow and a chat with school is a good idea.

Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 03/11/2021 20:59

Thank you so much for replying, I'm sorry your dd went through the same thing too. Teenage girls just horrible to each other, aren't they. I honestly thought things had improved from my day.

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gluenotsoup · 03/11/2021 21:02

My dd is a bit younger, 13, but has been in a similar position since starting at secondary school. It’s so hard to deal with, I think she will be shaped forever by the way this has made her feel. I can see she has hardened slightly, and is wary now of how she is perceived by others, but at the same time she is just desperate to have a lovely group of friends. I have seen her confidence and self belief shaken to the core and see how much courage it has taken to keep going. The only advice I have is just what you are doing, contacting school to make them aware and ask if they can monitor how she is at school. They may have pastoral support, lunchtime groups, school counsellor and so on. Does she have any hobbies or friends from outside school to focus on socially? Also, just keep her mental health as strong as possible, give her lots of praise, room to talk, and acknowledge that it’s a hard time, but not a reflection of her but of others, and that she is worthy of and will eventually find her friends. It’s just so hard to watch, and I hope it gets better soon. I will be interested in advice on this thread too. X

HidingFromDD · 03/11/2021 21:04

Did it start in year 9? Everyone I know with girls (including mine) had this bitchiness start about the same time. I also had a ‘quirky and slightly geeky’ girl but my other dd who was everyone’s best friend had it as well. I’d just keep on talking about how friends should treat each other, and stress that it’s them not your dd, whilst quietly making sure that you encourage the decent ones and discourage the others. It’s not easy but it does get better, honest

HidingFromDD · 03/11/2021 21:06

Gluenotsoup said it so much better 😊

Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 03/11/2021 21:09

@gluenotsoup

My dd is a bit younger, 13, but has been in a similar position since starting at secondary school. It’s so hard to deal with, I think she will be shaped forever by the way this has made her feel. I can see she has hardened slightly, and is wary now of how she is perceived by others, but at the same time she is just desperate to have a lovely group of friends. I have seen her confidence and self belief shaken to the core and see how much courage it has taken to keep going. The only advice I have is just what you are doing, contacting school to make them aware and ask if they can monitor how she is at school. They may have pastoral support, lunchtime groups, school counsellor and so on. Does she have any hobbies or friends from outside school to focus on socially? Also, just keep her mental health as strong as possible, give her lots of praise, room to talk, and acknowledge that it’s a hard time, but not a reflection of her but of others, and that she is worthy of and will eventually find her friends. It’s just so hard to watch, and I hope it gets better soon. I will be interested in advice on this thread too. X

I'm sorry your dd is going through this as well, if only they all went to the same school and they could find each other.

I identify so so much with your description, thats exactly how it is with my dd too, you nailed it exactly. Unfortunately the only outside club she does is with her 'best friend' and she feels in her shadow there. It's so difficult isn't it, I can tell her how amazing she is until I'm blue in the face but the negative feelings seem to be taking her over and I feel so powerless.

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Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 03/11/2021 21:13

@HidingFromDD

Did it start in year 9? Everyone I know with girls (including mine) had this bitchiness start about the same time. I also had a ‘quirky and slightly geeky’ girl but my other dd who was everyone’s best friend had it as well. I’d just keep on talking about how friends should treat each other, and stress that it’s them not your dd, whilst quietly making sure that you encourage the decent ones and discourage the others. It’s not easy but it does get better, honest

Yes!! Yr 9! I had heard the horror stories about Yr 9 girls but had not realised quite how bad it could get. Thank you for your kind words, I have told her I would have loved a mate like her when I was at school, they just don't appreciate how lucky they are.

P.s.Which of your dds are you hiding from?

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Soundofshuna · 03/11/2021 21:29

I could have written this about my teen too. She won’t let me email school so I am a bit stuck. Teen girls can be horrible .

Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 03/11/2021 21:44

@Soundofshuna

I could have written this about my teen too. She won’t let me email school so I am a bit stuck. Teen girls can be horrible .

for you and your dd, I hate the fact so many of our girls have to go through this.

If it helps I have just encouraged my dd to sign up to Kooth, which is a young person's mental health app. No idea if it will help but I wonder if that might be something your dd might want to try. I feel for you, it's horrible not being able to fix it for them.

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Soundofshuna · 03/11/2021 22:03

Thank you! She is very resilient so I think she will be ok but has gone from having a great gang on year 7 to bring completely ostracised. Let’s hope they find their tribes.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 03/11/2021 22:15

Argh, this was me as a young teenager. Wanted to be liked and part of a group of friends, but felt like no one liked me and was left out a lot. Tough years.

Encourage her to hang out with people who value her and treat her as she deserves. But also remind her that it won't be that long until she's finished with school. In Sixth form, university and the real world I have never had any problems finding my people. I've got loads of friends and feel well liked and respected. I get on easily with others, am true to myself and I no longer care if someone doesn't like me. Hopefully her experience will help her to become a strong and kind adult. It will all be ok!

DumpedByText · 03/11/2021 22:22

I've got a Year 10, 14 year old girl and this kind of bitching starts in Year 9. My DD went through all this recently, I've tried to build resilience with her as we can only support and not fight the battles for them.

Honestly, teenage girls can be so vile to each other 🥺 hard to watch them go through it to.

Divebar2021 · 03/11/2021 22:41

My DD has just spoken about this issue and she’s only in primary school - year 5. Her classes were mixed last year and her BFF moved to a different class sadly. Her new friend is very hot and cold and has introduced her to a group where she is apparently the butt of the joke… they call her names for example “ you’re so dumb” but then say they’re joking. I’m trying to get her to see the behaviour for what it is but she clings on to the times when they’re all nice and play together. Sorry I have no advice … teenagers must be even more difficult.

Mum6776 · 03/11/2021 23:35

There are a couple of girls in dd's friendship group who can be toxic. But it's weird how they will ostracise someone, then move on and act like it never happened. They treated one girl dreadfully over the summer holidays. Then a month or two later went to her birthday party all smiles. They'd moved onto bullying another by then. Dd shows me the WhatsApp's sometimes. One thing I would say is that neither of them are happy, well balanced people. As a pp says, encourage the nice ones, discourage the not so nice. And don't for a minute think your dd has done anything wrong. The things they take issue with are pathetic.

Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 04/11/2021 10:54

I honestly can't thank you all enough for taking the time to reply to me. It makes me so sad to think that so many girls are going through the same thing.

I needed to hear your kind words as I had started to blame myself. She is such a kind and thoughtful young woman and I thought maybe I should have raised her to be a bit more selfish as the harder qualities seem to be what makes you popular. Of course you are all right, this is such a small part of her life and the good qualities she has mean she will come into her own when she is older and everyone is a bit more mature .

Mum6776 the girls involved with my dd aren't happy or well balanced either. That's a great point, thank you.

I've received an email back from the school saying they are sorry that she isn't coping well and that the student manager will call me this afternoon. I will let you know what she says.

Thanks again to all of you

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Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 04/11/2021 10:56

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Argh, this was me as a young teenager. Wanted to be liked and part of a group of friends, but felt like no one liked me and was left out a lot. Tough years.

Encourage her to hang out with people who value her and treat her as she deserves. But also remind her that it won't be that long until she's finished with school. In Sixth form, university and the real world I have never had any problems finding my people. I've got loads of friends and feel well liked and respected. I get on easily with others, am true to myself and I no longer care if someone doesn't like me. Hopefully her experience will help her to become a strong and kind adult. It will all be ok!

I'm so glad you are happy, you sound like a lovely friend to have

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HidingFromDD · 04/11/2021 13:34

I’m not hiding from any of mine now as they’re both young adults and left home. I’ve been on here a v long time 😳

Just wanted to say that this was over ten years ago, and it gradually calmed down, they learned who were good friends and who weren’t, there’ll be a lot of others also receiving the same treatment sadly. Probably by around mid year ten they’d found their tribe, and they both still get together with them regularly. Interesting the fate of some of the ‘queen bee’ s hasn’t been so great. Just reassure her it’s them not her, this part is tough but it will be over and she’ll make friends with people who appreciate her and who have similar values and principle x

scooterbear · 04/11/2021 13:58

DD2 is 14 and has the exact same issue. Her year 9 was spent in lockdown and im not sure if that made it better or worse. She was between two friendship groups but didn't feel comfortable in either really and both would pressure her to ditch the other. She eventually picked one, dramatically ditched the other and has since had no end of issues with both groups. The one she picked is 'run' by two quite horrid girls who seem to go around the group ostracising each person in turn, being incredibly awful and then a week later acting as if nothing has happened. Dd2 knows they are horrible but can't bring herself to stand up to them or leave the group. She regrets leaving the first group but can't go back as she didn't treat them well. She is disappointed in herself and miserable. A totally different kid at home and at school (and not if I'm honest always a nice one). I really don't know what to do.

Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 04/11/2021 17:59

Thank you HidingFromDd that is so reassuring, its nice to hear from someone who has come out the other side x

scooterbear your poor dd, I'm sorry she is going through this too. Sometimes they just can't win whatever they do, I really hope things start looking up for her soon, nobody deserves to feel that way

So, a little update. The school rang me and she was really nice and helpful. Of course she has seen this all before, and the course of action is that tomorrow dd will go and see her in her office to try and work out what solution might be best suited for her. She said she can help with helping cultivate other friendships among other things and will call me to let me know how it goes. There is also an in school counselling service available but there is a long wait list.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that it helps. Dd has perked up a lot today. The 'best friend' texted her with a snarky message about not being in which made dd but she at the same time had a load of funny Snapchat from another friend who she had drifted from, which really did give her a little boost.

Thank you again for all taking the time to talk to me and sending strength to all your dd's who are going through similar.

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GoldenTobes · 04/11/2021 19:39

We had this with my daughter through secondary school, always felt on the outside of groups, not invited to out of school meet-ups. She often said people didn’t like her but didn’t really know why. We tried to help, say the right things etc but in the end just tried to make out of school with us fun and happy. Now she is in 6th form things have changed a little, groups have changed as people go off in different directions. So things have improved and hopefully will for your daughter too.

Original poster

UsernameEmoji · 05/11/2021 11:01

Thank you GoldenTobes, I really appreciate hearing from people whose dd's have come through the other side. I'm so pleased your dd is a lot happier now

Just had another phone call from the school, I am really impressed how they are handling it tbh. She has spoken to dd and they have a few strategies going forward. She is also going to speak to the main 'offender' - she said my dd is happy for her to do that but I am a bit dubious in case it makes things worse. I guess we will just have to wait and see. Dd is also going to leave last period lessons a couple of minutes early so she can walk home without having to see them.

I just hope dd is having a better day today, at least it's the weekend tomorrow!

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Mum6776 · 05/11/2021 13:40

Hope she has a better day op. Hopefully the school will help.

Soundofshuna · 05/11/2021 17:49

After saying I couldn’t speak to school it turns out a friends mum has spoken to school for my daughter. I then felt justified in emailing too. Feel like a dreadful parent for not over ruling DD in the first place. Hopefully something will be done though!

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 05/11/2021 17:59

Poor kid.
Dd went through this in year 8 horrible mean girls. Finally was persuaded to find new friends by myself and pastoral care. Over the next two years two more girls dropped the mean girls and joined her
This year yr12 another of the mean girl group has come to join her, and they are all happy and healthy. She needs to dump them.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/11/2021 18:18

My DD also went through this at 15. It’s a long story and her “friends” crossed the line and the police became involved. She was devastated, broke my heart to see her so sad and suffering panic attacks because of what they did to her.

But she cultivated other friendships and they were good friends and a huge support to her as the old toxic ‘friends’ were not above spreading malicious gossip, feigning innocence and claiming DD had a “victim complex” until she graduated secondary school.