Friends being mean girls to teenage dd

[UsernameEmoji]

Hi everyone,

Sorry this is longer than I intended!

I'm at the end of my tether with the group of girls my 15 year old dd hangs out with and I don't know what to do.

My dd since being in secondary school has struggled to find her 'people'. She was always so bubbly and popular in primary but quite sweet and naive and it was a bit of a shock to her when she went to secondary school. She struggled to find strong friends and constantly found herself on the peripheral of groups but always feeling a bit uncomfortable and not really like she fitted in.

Then a couple of years ago she found, what I thought, was a nice group of mates. But slowly over the last year or so, one of them started being really nasty to her then would say she was "just joking" My dd has spoken to her about it and it stops for a week or so before starting again. Now the one in the group who my dd considered her best friend has started joining in. She has suddenly started being quite cold to my dd and my dd is distraught.

It is breaking my heart. She used to be so confident and bubbly and now she is anxious and looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I'm so fucking pissed off at these girls. They know she is too anxious and sensitive to cause a scene and they take advantage of that. Dh and I may have suggested punching them in the gob

What can I do to help her? She was sobbing again tonight, so I have told her to take a mental health day tomorrow and I have emailed the Inclusion Manager to ask her to ring me.

She has plenty of people she is friendly with, we have told her to build up those friendships rather than being so invested in this current group but I feel so sad for her. She said to me "mum, why does nobody check to see if I'm ok when I'm always there for other people?"

If anyone has been through this, I would really appreciate some advice!

She is also going to speak to the main 'offender' - she said my dd is happy for her to do that but I am a bit dubious in case it makes things worse. I guess we will just have to wait and see

I know this is always a worry that things will escalate. However, not reporting it and it not being dealt with absolutely escalates it because they know they are getting away with it.

If it does get worse then your DD needs to report that and the school should come down harder on the girl. She needs to know she cannot behave like this, treat other people like this. In a work situation it would be disciplinary so the sooner they learn, the better.

The one bit of advice I will give is to keep a diary of incidents going forward so that it can be reported if needed. I think the school letting her go early is great.

It makes me so sad to hear of kids having to go through this torment.

My daughter has also found the transition from primary school to high school difficult - her tight knit friendship group from primary school all found new friends at high school. I don't think they have been openly mean to my daughter but she is being excluded. She isn't getting invited to out of school meet ups the way she had been - at primary school she was always meeting friends, going to their houses after school, sleepovers etc. I think as a defence mechanism she has kind of isolated herself from them. She is in the house most weekends and was hardly out at all during the school holidays. She has lost confidence and won't try to arrange anything at all, a fear of rejection I suppose. She is very quiet and so self conscious at the moment. She can't see how gorgeous she is, with a slightly grungy quirky style. She doesn't talk to me about it really, I don't think she wants me to pity her. Looking back, I flitted between groups all the way through high school but only kept in touch with 2 of those friends (although I am very close to them) It seems to me that she is very loyal to her primary friends and at the same time too quiet to really put herself out there with new people and they are not getting the chance to see how lovely she really is. I know I annoy her by asking what her plans are etc and saying to her to try to get out and about a bit more. I just don't want to see her miss out on too much and really hope that in the next few years of school, she meets some lovely new friends that boost her confidence and she can enjoy new experiences and a close friendship with.

@Soundofshuna

After saying I couldn’t speak to school it turns out a friends mum has spoken to school for my daughter. I then felt justified in emailing too. Feel like a dreadful parent for not over ruling DD in the first place. Hopefully something will be done though!

You aren't a dreadful parent at all, it's so difficult to know what to do for the best, you were trying to protect your dd. I really hope the school has stepped up and your dd is ok x

Just wanted to come back and let you all know that my dd is so much happier and whatever the school did has really helped (touch wood!). The girls in her group have toned it right down and they seem to all be back to their normal selves again.

I have a feeling that the teacher also spoke to another of her mates to keep an eye out for her, as she has been making sure she walks home with my dd and they are arranging a meet up out of school

I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to message, I am so sorry for those who are sharing that their own dc have been or are going through the same thing. My dd was also accused of having a 'victim complex' when she tried to stand up for herself, it's such a snide way to try and get away with bullying isn't it

Jazzledazzle my dd felt exactly the same when she started secondary school and speaking to a few other friends it seems like a common experience. It's horrible to have to stand on the sidelines and see your dd deal with people who they thought were their friends change.
What I have learned in the last few years (and days!) is that things change so much and so quickly in teen friendships. And as she goes through different classes she may well end up clicking with classmates who she wouldn't otherwise have met. Just keep giving her lots of love and attention and remind her how amazing she is. I got some fantastic advice and support on this thread, a lot of wise posters assured me that this is a normal albeit quite shit part of growing up. I had a good result with speaking to the school, they might be able to gently steer your dd to new friendships perhaps? Wishing you and your dd the best of luck

Feel this so much. DD14 has gone during lockdown from a happy confident child to feeling like an outsider at times. She does have some friends but her old best friend has ghosted her and is now mean and snarky at school or gets other friends to shout silly things when she walks by. She’s not into all the “popular” stuff but has lots of interests and I know it will all settle down but it’s sad to see! I keep telling her she will find her tribe. But probably not with those old friends! I’m more philosophical as been through it with older DD and know it passes! Year 9 is a horror show. The saddest thing is seeing that the old BF is now telling those other mean girls things about her that she’s shared when they were closer and using it to be mocking. It’s all low level bitchy stuff but takes a toll on their confidence. I tell her that anyone who behaves like that is unhappy themselves and to just be the good kid she is.

@UsernameEmoji Thanks. Glad to hear things are a bit better for your daughter. Hopefully it has all settled for good so she can put it behind her and have a really strong friendship with her friend that is looking out for her.
I contacted the school yesterday because my DD is also really hating school at the moment, being deliberately late in the mornings, no interest in any of her classes, doesn't like the teachers. I think it is all related. Her best friend from primary school also now has a boyfriend so I think DD is feeling even more isolated. I mentioned it to her pupil support teacher who said he isn't seeing any animosity between them but they are perhaps just drifting apart. I just need to be here for her. Hopefully next year will bring new friends.

@Badmuthachuffa That sounds absolutely horrible and so so hurtful coming from someone she had been close to. I am glad you can appreciate that it will pass - it is just so heartbreaking to see them go through it though. to you and your DD too.