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Original poster

How do I tell DP I don't want my birthday present?

60 replies

EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 08:46

In the kindest was possible.

Just gone on Amazon to check delivery of something I ordered and see he has made an order for my birthday.
I'd expressed interest in a small £6 mouse candle holder from sainsburys (I love rats/mice) and instead of going to Sainsburys (which is a bit of a trek) he's ordered me a set of 3 mouse lamps from amazon at nearly £50.

Firstly that's a ridiculous amount compared to a £6 tealight holder and secondly I really don't have anywhere to put them. The living room already has lamps, I have 2 rat lamps in my bedroom already and nowhere else requires a lamp.

I feel really bad as he obviously thought I would love them and I always say it would be nice to get a surprise rather than telling him what I want but I would really rather have the tealight holder.

I don't want to hurt his feelings but also don't want to accept a £50 gift that I really have no need for Sad

OP posts:
SapereAude · 02/11/2021 08:49

There is no kindest way possible.

Though on MN it's seemingly fine to just tell people you don't like/want the gift they've spent time and money finding for you.

Original poster
EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 09:06

@SapereAude

There is no kindest way possible.

Though on MN it's seemingly fine to just tell people you don't like/want the gift they've spent time and money finding for you.

We are not well off and I'd rather the money go towards the kids at Christmas than that amount of money spent on something I really have no need for. It's a tricky situation :(
OP posts:
Peanutbuttercupisyum · 02/11/2021 09:26

I think you just accept gratefully!! A £6 tea light holder wouldn’t be much of a luxury or a surprise, so maybe isnt what your DH thought of as a good present. Presents are generally supposed to be what someone else has chosen for you tbh, you can’t really control it that much.

Yogaandcocoa · 02/11/2021 09:29

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

I think you just accept gratefully!! A £6 tea light holder wouldn’t be much of a luxury or a surprise, so maybe isnt what your DH thought of as a good present. Presents are generally supposed to be what someone else has chosen for you tbh, you can’t really control it that much.
I agree with this. It's a gift. You could just as easily be on here complaining he only got you a £6 gift.

It's nice that he tried to find something you'd like and it's a bit of a surprise (had you not looked on Amazon)

Honestly I would try to be grateful.

Original poster
EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 09:35

I asked for the £6 tea light because we are skint. I don't know where he's got £50 from but there's a dozen other things it could be used for and I don't feel comfortable having that amount spent on me when Christmas and kids birthdays are approaching.

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 02/11/2021 09:36

@SapereAude

There is no kindest way possible.

Though on MN it's seemingly fine to just tell people you don't like/want the gift they've spent time and money finding for you.

Not sure why "seemingly" is in your sentence. Of course it's fine to say you don't want them. Most people want to give a gift that will actually be appreciated, not one that the recipient is merely polite about.
Yogaandcocoa · 02/11/2021 09:37

If you genuinely don't have the money and he hasn't given you the gift yet then maybe approach it that way. Raise the issue of the other things that need to be paid for and see what he says.

Original poster
EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 09:39

I feel so bad. I just know they'll be out somewhere and not really used.
I'm crap at acting surprised too 😂 so he's probably going to know I've seen them!
Argh. Birthday anxiety activated!
I'll just accept them enthusiastically and find them a spot I the house.

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 02/11/2021 09:50

Couldn't you just have the one light he has chosen and ask him to return the other two? Three lamps in one purchase is madness!!!

Original poster
EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 09:53

It's a set of 3 Confused

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 02/11/2021 09:58

Are they nicer than your current lamps? If so I'd put the old ones on FB marketplace to retrieve a little of the money, if possible. Or just enjoy having the nicer ones and donate the old.
You can't say anything with hurting his feelings - you'd pay £50 to not upset someone you love who has done a thoughtful thing for you. View it line that with 3 lamps thrown in for free Wink

FinallyHere · 02/11/2021 10:00

Maybe I am just wired differently, but I really don't understand the people who say oh but it's a present. When money is tight, surely you should get a say in what the money is spent on, especially for your birthday.

It would be fine for him to ask would you rather splash out on the lamps, not to waste money on something you don't want.

Surely he wants you to want what you get. Not waste £50 to protect his ego.

FinallyHere · 02/11/2021 10:02

you'd pay £50 to not upset someone you love who has done a thoughtful thing for you

How is buying something you don't want, which costs mire than the thing you did want, when money is tight, any kind of thoughtful gesture?

AFewSandwichesShortOfAPicnic · 02/11/2021 10:02

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

I think you just accept gratefully!! A £6 tea light holder wouldn’t be much of a luxury or a surprise, so maybe isnt what your DH thought of as a good present. Presents are generally supposed to be what someone else has chosen for you tbh, you can’t really control it that much.
It is for some people though.

There's been times in my life a £6 gift would have been a luxury and if it's something someone loves and wants of course it's a nice surprise.

Cantstopthewaves · 02/11/2021 10:05

I just googled 'Amazon mice lamps' ( I'm nosy) and I have to say the set of three that came up are absolutely adorable.
I may have to buy them for myself.

Rockbird · 02/11/2021 10:05

Oh dear God I've just looked on Amazon...

LefttoherownDevizes · 02/11/2021 10:06

@FinallyHere

you'd pay £50 to not upset someone you love who has done a thoughtful thing for you

How is buying something you don't want, which costs mire than the thing you did want, when money is tight, any kind of thoughtful gesture?

Because he thought she would want it, based on her previous mention of the tealight holder.

I think it's a lovely gesture and agree with a PP about trying to recoup money by selling existing lamps.

Rainbowheart1 · 02/11/2021 10:06

Have you seen what they look like? You might love them!

Is there a reason you think your not worth £50? I understand money is tight, but your also a member of the family and should have money spent on you too, don’t do the guilt mum thing, it’s gets your nowhere except invisible.

Original poster
EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 10:07

No, my current lamps are 'proper lamps' with mice at the base and velvet shades that match my room so I really would rather keep them Blush

OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 02/11/2021 10:07

I had to do something similar.
I just went home one day and said, "well my mum was asking about my birthday because she saw a couple of lamps (wasnt lamps for me) she thought I would love. I dont need or want any lamps, wr have no use for them but I had to say it a few times before she would listen. Anyway, she's agreed not to get me the lamps. I told her I just want the wee tealight holder I've asked you for and a wee coffee and cake day out with her."

On my birthday, I got the thing I had asked him for so he must have cancelled the silly order he had made. We'd only been dating 6 months so I didnt really want to just he direct incase it upset him. After years of marriage, I would have just said it.

Original poster
EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 10:08

@Rainbowheart1

Have you seen what they look like? You might love them!

Is there a reason you think your not worth £50? I understand money is tight, but your also a member of the family and should have money spent on you too, don’t do the guilt mum thing, it’s gets your nowhere except invisible.

It's not that I don't think I'm worth it but if I had £50 to spend more lamps is the last thing I'd buy. I'd get myself some luxury bath items, a dressing gown and slipper boots or something.
OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 02/11/2021 10:10

Oh God. If it's the £51 set if gold resin mice holding lightbulbs then they are awful. And not with anything near £51.

Do not sell your nice proper lamps just to keep him happy if that's what he has chosen.

ImUninsultable · 02/11/2021 10:11

*worth

NotJustACigar · 02/11/2021 10:11

They're really cute and I think yabu not to want them. Keep them, find a place for them, and next year be sure to set a clear budget for presents. It's not worth hurting his feelings over this. If you really need the £50 maybe you can recoup some of it by selling your old lamps although I doubt that will bring in much.

SprayedWithDettol · 02/11/2021 10:11

Just tell him and cancel the order. Or return them when they arrive. He is your husband, if he is a decent chap, he will understand.