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Original poster

How do I tell DP I don't want my birthday present?

60 replies

EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 08:46

In the kindest was possible.

Just gone on Amazon to check delivery of something I ordered and see he has made an order for my birthday.
I'd expressed interest in a small £6 mouse candle holder from sainsburys (I love rats/mice) and instead of going to Sainsburys (which is a bit of a trek) he's ordered me a set of 3 mouse lamps from amazon at nearly £50.

Firstly that's a ridiculous amount compared to a £6 tealight holder and secondly I really don't have anywhere to put them. The living room already has lamps, I have 2 rat lamps in my bedroom already and nowhere else requires a lamp.

I feel really bad as he obviously thought I would love them and I always say it would be nice to get a surprise rather than telling him what I want but I would really rather have the tealight holder.

I don't want to hurt his feelings but also don't want to accept a £50 gift that I really have no need for Sad

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 02/11/2021 10:12

Just tell him you’ve seen his Amazon order - he must have known there was a chance of that if you share an account? Say it’s very kind but as a family you can’t afford them and you’d be just as happy with the supermarket one. He may well be relieved. It would be ridiculous to go through a pantomime of pretending to be surprised and pleased.

If he was that bothered about surprising you he needed to open a separate Amazon account. Takes less than 2 mins.

ImUninsultable · 02/11/2021 10:12

If it is those then you might be lucky. The reviews are shit. They arrive broken, the wire connections are exposed/very weak. They're crap.
When you open them, you can point out the really poor connections of the wires and ask that he return them as they're not safe.

Lasair · 02/11/2021 10:13

It's not that I don't think I'm worth it but if I had £50 to spend more lamps is the last thing I'd buy. I'd get myself some luxury bath items, a dressing gown and slipper boots or something.

I’d tell him the above kindly. If you are so skint you can’t afford £50 then don’t waste it on rat lamps.

Also…rats really!?

AFewSandwichesShortOfAPicnic · 02/11/2021 10:14

My husband and I agreed years ago to be honest and say if we didn't like a gift so that it wouldn't be money wasted and that it could be exchanged.

I did the pretending to like thing to spare feelings and needed up with a perfume I didn't like for every bday and xmas for about five years. He found out when he heard a family member say I didn't like the perfume when he'd told them he bought me it. Him finding out I'd been pretending to like it and wearing something I didn't want to, to protect his feelings hurt him more than me just telling him it's not a scent I like so he didn't keep buying it.

He's done the same with me though, been uncomfortable in pants I bought him because the seam sat wrong but he wore them for about a year because he knew I'd spent a lot of money on a decent brand instead of his usual cheap supermarket ones.

SparklingLime · 02/11/2021 10:14

Why are pp’s so concern about “hurting the feelings” of an adult man who has just typed OP’s suggestion into Amazon and spent money they don’t have?

Potatolatkes · 02/11/2021 10:15

They are quite cute but the reviews are awful so with any luck they won’t work and you can send them back guilt free

BrilliantBetty · 02/11/2021 10:15

Just tell what happened. You saw it on the Amazon account, thought it was so kind of him but you didn't dream he'd spend £50 on this and just a little thing would be just as lovely. Can he return it or cancel it.

I don't think it's 'unkind' to be truthful in this situation. OP has asked for something she wanted and instead of getting it he's gone for something very different which is unaffordable. She'd prefer the money for something else.

Babdoc · 02/11/2021 10:19

OP, he’s your DH! Your life partner, your soulmate, your other half. Are you really saying that you can’t even talk about an unwanted present with him?
You should be able to discuss anything with him, even hugely difficult emotional stuff.
Just tell him! Affectionately and with appreciation for his kind thought, but tell him. Suggest an alternative and cancel the order, or return it when it arrives. It’s not the big deal you are making it.

GoodVibesHere · 02/11/2021 10:19

I think you should tell him that you've seen what he's ordered and you would prefer him not to spend the money on them. Could you tie it in to climate change and not wanting waste?! He might even be relieved, if he's panic-bought them.

You won't enjoy them will you, knowing that there are many other ways you'd prefer the money spent.

RockinHorseShit · 02/11/2021 10:19

Just tell him, you're married ffs, if you can't be straight with your spouse, who can you be straight with Confused

DH has form for this sort of thing. Goes from choosing beautiful jewellery gifts, to absolute over priced shite I wouldn't be seen dead in. I just tell him & have on occasion laughed at his gifts as it was a case of "what the hell were you thinking" he isn't offended as he'd rather not waste money on something I really don't like. Just be honest

Floralnomad · 02/11/2021 10:21

Just tell him you’ve seen it on Amazon and would have nowhere to put them so they need to go back and you will have the £50 , then spend it how you see fit .

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/11/2021 10:22

“DP, I’ve been on Amazon to check on the delivery of the bin bags I ordered. I noticed that you’d put something in the basket and I presume it’s for my birthday. I’m really sorry but they aren’t to my taste and I don’t know where I’d put them. Especially when money is so tight at the minute, it seems like a lot of money for something I’m not going to use. I would much rather just have the little tea light. I know you’re trying to surprise me and it’s a really thoughtful gesture. Thank you for trying to think of a surprise. If you want to get me something more than the tea light, can I suggest a max budget of £20 as money is tight. Maybe a nice bath set with the tea light? Maybe we can do a nice, cheap date day? Go for a walk in the forest? If you want to surprise me, that’s how you can do it.”

mewkins · 02/11/2021 10:23

Hi OP. I also looked at amazon. So they also do single mice for around £16. How about you thank your dp and then say as money and space are tight you swap them for a single mouse lamp and then find a place for it? That way, you get something he has chosen and you feel less guilty about it?

Iwonder08 · 02/11/2021 10:45

Keep the lamps and say thank you. He listened to you, made an effort to look for it and found something that he thought closely matches your description.

ImUninsultable · 02/11/2021 10:51

@Iwonder08

He didnt listen to her.

In what world is a small tealight holder, a candle holder, the same as 3 lamps which need to be plugged in and they have no space for.

In what world is a little £6 sweet gesture that she asked for the same as blowing £51 on something she did not ask for and is not what she described?

She only has this problem because he did not listen.

FinallyHere · 02/11/2021 12:07

He tried but didn't get it right.

Is his ego really so fragile, that he can't accept that. Would he honestly not prefer to know what she really wants? For the money to be spent on things she really wants ?

Sigh.

Original poster
EverybodyScream · 02/11/2021 12:27

I told him, its fine. He was a bit disappointed cause he genuinely thought I would love them (I absolutely would if I needed more lighting, very much my style) but not offended at all. We're going to return them and get some pj's and slippers.

OP posts:
MarshmallowsOnToast · 02/11/2021 12:34

@EverybodyScream

I told him, its fine. He was a bit disappointed cause he genuinely thought I would love them (I absolutely would if I needed more lighting, very much my style) but not offended at all. We're going to return them and get some pj's and slippers.
And the tea light?

Glad he wasn't hurt.

Allsorts1 · 02/11/2021 12:47

Just say “honey I accidentally stumbled across the Amazon basket and saw the lamps you had chosen, they are so lovely and I feel so touched that you went with the tealight idea but they’re way too spenny! I would only ever want something like that if it was nice and cheap, as it’s just for fun really. You get all the kudos for finding them but for £50 I’d much rather XY or Z or let’s save it for Xmas and the kids. Thank you so much though, I loved the idea, just not this time around.”

Easy peasy.

I discovered an incoming present from my DP that I did not want, he saw my crestfallen look and promptly cancelled it and I sent him a few links to things I would prefer. No harm done (although he does joke about it in a pretend hurt way every now and again Grin)

Allsorts1 · 02/11/2021 12:48

Oh just saw your update - glad it worked out :)

Peoniesandpeaches · 02/11/2021 13:04

@SparklingLime

Just tell him you’ve seen his Amazon order - he must have known there was a chance of that if you share an account? Say it’s very kind but as a family you can’t afford them and you’d be just as happy with the supermarket one. He may well be relieved. It would be ridiculous to go through a pantomime of pretending to be surprised and pleased.

If he was that bothered about surprising you he needed to open a separate Amazon account. Takes less than 2 mins.

This. I really don’t understand why people on mumsnet think being honest is a travesty.
Babdoc · 02/11/2021 14:00

Peonies, I think it’s just extreme female socialisation - being such people pleasers that we can’t bear to disappoint or upset anyone even if that means never expressing our own preferences or needs.
Most blokes are not that emotionally invested in things like gifts, and would be perfectly happy to exchange or refund if their wife asked.

SparklingLime · 02/11/2021 14:03

@Iwonder08

Keep the lamps and say thank you. He listened to you, made an effort to look for it and found something that he thought closely matches your description.
That absolutely would be the right approach for a child.
GTAlogic · 02/11/2021 14:15

If it's these they get terrible reviews and you have to buy an adapter for the bulbs. I'm normally one who gladly and gratefully accepts gifts regardless of how I feel about them but for these I'd have to say something. I don't know what though!

GTAlogic · 02/11/2021 14:17

Oh no I didn't read the whole thread! Sorry! Glad it worked out well though Grin

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