Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone else's in laws like this?

32 replies

Tyleenekenneth · 01/11/2021 18:56

Just had in laws to stay for the week and they will NOT help themselves to anything ie tea and coffee/snacks etc. This is OK if they're here for the day at a weekend and DH is around to help but during the week when he's at work I don't have time with two young DC to wait on them! I have emphasised SO MUCH and so has DH that they are totally welcome in our home and to please help themselves to absolutely anything they want/need. They don't. They sit on the sofa waiting to be offered things/have their day micromanaged.

The absolute polar opposite to my family and hard to deal with for me as feel like I have four people to take care of all day instead of two. DH says to just let them get on with it but it's so awkward.

I am very family oriented and really want them to feel welcome and at home. To me having to wait to be asked if you'd like a tea or a coffee and not to feel able to pop out to the shop to buy a paper or whatever without asking must be so tiresome for them.

OP posts:
romdowa · 01/11/2021 18:59

I'd just leave them sit there. They will get hungry/ thirsty eventually and if they ask you for anything, let them know that they can help themselves.

learnasyougo · 01/11/2021 19:02

Actually task them to make it really really clear they can touch the kettle: DMIL would you be so kind as to put the kettle on while I ...(made up reason e.g. a nappy change)? I have some snacks in the cupboard, would you get them, top left of x cupboard, FIL. Or I've put some bread out if you want toast you can help yourself. I'm not saving the bread for anything. I have a lovely jam you might like to try while you're here.

Original poster
Tyleenekenneth · 01/11/2021 19:11

One evening I was sorting out DC's tea and said "oh just help yourselves to tea and things won't you" and they said "oh no we'll just wait til you're finished!"

It's incomprehensible to me! The first thing my mum does when she visits is put the kettle on!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
VladmirsPoutine · 01/11/2021 19:20

Have you asked them? This would get on my tits!

NarcissistsEyebrows · 01/11/2021 19:20

I think you might have to take the bull by the horns here and specifically tell them you can't do it all.

Either task then with things to do, 'eg would you mind laying the table for lunch while I change DD please, otherwise something else will come up and before we know it it'll be 3pm and we still won't have eaten! ' - what kind of decent person could refuse that request?

Or else ask them to entertain / keep the DC safe to give you ten mins to shower / make lunch.

If they're decent then they will get the idea and start helping out. If they're arsehole then they won't, might as well find out now

Notaroadrunner · 01/11/2021 19:23

I couldn't put up with that and they wouldn't be invited again until Dh had time off work so he could pander to them. Sounds like they simply expect you to wait on them hand and foot.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/11/2021 19:25

Yup DH either has a talk or takes time off next time they visit.

RestingPandaFace · 01/11/2021 19:28

@learnasyougo

Actually task them to make it really really clear they can touch the kettle: DMIL would you be so kind as to put the kettle on while I ...(made up reason e.g. a nappy change)? I have some snacks in the cupboard, would you get them, top left of x cupboard, FIL. Or I've put some bread out if you want toast you can help yourself. I'm not saving the bread for anything. I have a lovely jam you might like to try while you're here.
That’s what I’d do. DMIL can you make a coffee for everyone whilst I do xyz? Or DFIL can you just butter the toast while I make the tea. If you can get them helping they might start to feel more relaxed about helping themselves.
JustLyra · 01/11/2021 19:28

@Tyleenekenneth

One evening I was sorting out DC's tea and said "oh just help yourselves to tea and things won't you" and they said "oh no we'll just wait til you're finished!"

It's incomprehensible to me! The first thing my mum does when she visits is put the kettle on!

I would say that to them. MIL was like this for a short while until I said to her "My Nana puts the kettle on whenever she wants and helps herself to biscuits because she's not a guest. She's family. You're family, please do the same".

For the first while she did it so as not to offend me, then she got into the way of it.

Clarkey86 · 01/11/2021 19:28

I think I’d just say “Don’t think I’m being rude but you really must help yourself to drinks and snacks, I’m running around after DC so won’t think to ask!” and then stick to your word and don’t ask.

I’m a terrible host anyway so people know to sort themselves out in my house Grin

KatharinaRosalie · 01/11/2021 19:31

And really, how rude are they? 'Please help yourself' - 'Nah, we want you to serve us'

NatriumChloride · 01/11/2021 19:49

That would annoy me too. They cannot expect to be waited on hand and foot. PPs have given you wonderful suggestions. I’d just ignore them and crack on personally 😂. When they politely enquire about lunch at 3:30pm when they’ve been sat there gingerly on the couch all day, I’d breezily say “Oh, lunch? I had some at midday - just made myself a quick sandwich. You mean you guys haven’t eaten? That’s a shame! Do please go and help yourselves, there’s food in the fridge!” And Id leave them to it!
They’ll cave eventually! They can’t sit there hungry all day!

Redjumper1 · 01/11/2021 19:55

Yes my MIL is like this. She was even like this when she visited when DS was six weeks old. She sat all day waiting for breakfast/lunch/dinner. DH mentioned it to her and she said I was a terrible host and a real woman would know how to treat her guests.

Are they quite old fashioned? It's for your DH to sort. They are his parents.

amusedbush · 01/11/2021 20:02

This has just brought back a lovely memory of a friend’s mum back in my teens and early 20s - she had a rule that the last person in the front door puts the kettle on. If you popped in for a visit, you made a round of tea and coffee!

I can’t imagine just sitting around and expecting someone else to act as my skivvy. I always offer to make things and wash up when I visit people.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 01/11/2021 20:02

OP, I wonder if you're from different cultures. I ask because I can relate to what your inlaws are doing as part of my upbringing and family's culture, and if that's so, the interpretations here are so far off. They're actually being polite. People's social customs are different but I don't know if it's the case here or not.

Hodgehog · 01/11/2021 20:04

One evening I was sorting out DC's tea and said "oh just help yourselves to tea and things won't you" and they said "oh no we'll just wait til you're finished!"

Id her said - “Eno. Im not here to serve you. If you want something get it yourself.”

Original poster
Tyleenekenneth · 01/11/2021 20:25

Culturally - I'm Latina. They're British. I just want them to treat my home like it's their home!

OP posts:
Darklane · 01/11/2021 20:25

Yes, I agree that they’re being polite. They probably really don’t want to step on your toes & feel it’s your home & it would be presumptuous to intrude on your things. I don’t think for a minute that they’re expecting you to wait on them.

Original poster
Tyleenekenneth · 01/11/2021 20:27

DH just says to leave them. I just would feel terrible doing that Confused

OP posts:
NotSoNewAndShiny · 01/11/2021 20:37

I know what you mean to treat your home like it's theirs but people need to feel comfortable enough to do that. You can't compare them to your mum.

Perhaps they still aren't comfortable enough in your home to do that. However, it's not really your task. Your DH needs to be the one to sort it. He'll need to repeatedly tell them that you both do things differently in your home; tell them what is expected of them and what it means to you both when they aren't helping themselves in your home (if different social norms is the problem).

If it's a habit, it will take a while but they'll get there.

NotSoNewAndShiny · 01/11/2021 20:42

If that's his solution and you don't have a better one, then you should. They're his parents and if they have a problem with it, they can take it up with him. Smile

After the two or three days, you'll get used to not waiting on them and they'd get used to it.

Original poster
Tyleenekenneth · 01/11/2021 20:50

His family are just totally different from mine. They all sit in total silence in the evening for one thing. I feel so awkward about it and like I am not making them feel welcome.

I know his mum feels that as she only has sons she never wants to overstep her boundaries with her daughters in law. I just want her to feel at home here.

OP posts:
NotSoNewAndShiny · 01/11/2021 20:58

I can see it's very awkward. I'm not even sure there's much you can do about it, as it seems it's just the way they are.

However, if you're an outgoing person, could you possibly find a way to form a connection with his mum? Seeing as this bothers you more and your DH isn't always there as a buffer, you could try to find something in common you could do or talk about with her/them. Build a rapport, create some laughter - but only if this is something you're comfortable with. It can release the tension a bit and loosen then up to be free with you.

I appreciate that it takes time to build some friendships and if you're not naturally outgoing, it can be harder to do. Your DH can't exactly force them to loosen up either, it has to come naturally.

I empathise with your situation.Flowers

hotmeatymilk · 01/11/2021 21:09

My PILs are EXACTLY like this. They won’t even switch the TV on but they want it on, so they just sit silently and stare until it’s on, then they… sit silently and stare but at least their shoulders drop an inch or so.

Absolutely no chat, sometimes they won’t take their coats off. MIL sits with her handbag on her knee. You could tell them, “I’m off out, while I’m gone if you want a tea please do use the kettle,
Milk’s in the fridge, etc” then leave for eight hours and they’d still be sitting there when you got back, a bit desiccated from the dehydration but otherwise unchanged.

Newmum29 · 01/11/2021 21:14

I’m going to go against the grain here. I always offer my in laws tea or coffee, wine or a beer depending on the time and put snacks out for them. Even with a small baby and working 4 days a week. I just think it’s polite. They do the same for us. If my dad is here and staying over for a long period (weekend/week) I would and do the same.