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Original poster

DD treats me like dirt on bottom of her shoe

35 replies

Jaxxy · 31/10/2021 00:48

DD is 21, in her final year at Uni. Her and her friends are loving this year as their social life has opened up and they are finally enjoying the uni life they hoped for. So far, so good!

One of DD friends has taken a placement in Madrid and at my expense, DD has just enjoyed a week with her which she says was AMAZING.

DD has returned from this quite arrogant, saying she wants to be a student as long as possible to avoid working for as long as possible, she has become quite critical of me saying I try and over organise everything and has completely missed I funded the entire trip to Madrid inc new express passport.

We (DH and I) come from working class backgrounds, DH has now retired and I now fund everybody (cars, phones, holidays, allowances) working 60 hrs a week in a senior position in financial services.

I am keen to give DD opportunities we never had however I really resent been talked down and treated badly, I also feel that we have caused some of this ungrateful and selfish behaviour in DD by giving her too much and making it too easy and doing too much for her.

I just feel really hurt at the way we/I am treated and spoken too and am really worried about the comment about avoiding working for as long as possible - goes against every fibre in my body.

AIBU?

OP posts:

tigerinyourtank · 31/10/2021 00:50

Stop enabling this behaviour by ceasing to fund it.

TSSDNCOP · 31/10/2021 00:57

Yep. You know what to do.

I know kids have missed out on a lot, but give over, she needs a short sharp shock.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2021 01:01

I certainly hope you stop enabling the little princess, and if I were you, I would be telling her exactly how her attitude makes you feel, and you are happy to announce her free ride is officially over.

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21 years old

Longdistance · 31/10/2021 01:02

21? If she wants to continue being a student, she has to self fund. Also, she needs to get a part time job to find herself for her phone, trips, clothes, spends etc.

GroggyLegs · 31/10/2021 01:04

Super.
Sit her down & tell her you really listened to what she said & she's right, you're too involved in her life, she's an adult & should absolutely be responsible for herself.
Also ' Good luck on your postgrad, how will you be funding it?'

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 31/10/2021 01:05

Just politely ask her to speak to you with respect at all times as you do to her - that's what civilised adults do (or fund her own last year at University.)
It may be that she feels so secure with you, that she thinks she can get away with a bit of showing off. You just need to calmly pull her up on it. Think about cutting back your hours. That's a very long working week. When is your retirement date?

HollowTalk · 31/10/2021 01:06

The very moment her degree stops is when your funding should stop. Basically she wants you to carry on working so she doesn't have to. Tell her you are going to retire any minute soon and you're saving desperately for it. If she wants to do anything like travel then she has to fund it herself.

AnotherMansCause · 31/10/2021 01:07

If she doesn’t want to work fair enough. Doesn’t mean you have to fund her above the required legal minimum though. Reality check time.

Bellyups · 31/10/2021 01:08

I can’t believe the cheek of her.
Ask her how she is going to fund herself if she doesn’t work

Bogeyes · 31/10/2021 01:18

What an entitled child...er...adult!

NewbieSM · 31/10/2021 01:46

Ooh I would be nipping that entitled attitude in the bud right now. Yes you and your husband may have played a role in spoiling her but it isn't too late to change! I agree once she graduates, the gravy train stops. If she want to continue studying that's her lookout but you do not need to fund this decision.

What are her career/life goals? Does she work part time? How does she pay for her social life? I would be having a pretty frank conversation with her about reality because the life of a perpetual student being floated financially by her parents ain't gonna happen.

WindowsSmindows · 31/10/2021 01:12

I think you're being melodramatic here, how is making a few stupid comments like treating you like dirt on her shoe?
You are feeling under appreciated generally and find her the easiest target?
What does your husband say?
Does he have a pension? How are you funding him?
60 hours a week is too much, no wonder you're annoyed, but your getting it out of proportion here.

Kanaloa · 31/10/2021 01:20

She sounds a bit immature and spoiled but that’s because she’s young and, no offense, you’ve spoiled her a bit.

As a mother I often think you need to enjoy knowing you’re right even when they won’t. I would have just said ‘yes dd enjoy being a student forever. Wonder how you’ll afford it all since you’re avoiding work but I’m sure we’ll see!’

Being a student after you’re no longer entitled to lots of help is absolutely no picnic. Let her figure out what it’s like without her mum buying her holidays/passports etc and she’ll soon realise she was talking out of her behind before.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/10/2021 01:21

Just pull her up when she is being rude, and don't fund any more jollies.

1forAll74 · 31/10/2021 01:56

Your daughter definitely needs to start thinking about her adult life now, regarding her own finances and everything she want's to do. She is obviously dismissing the facts, of how much you have helped her in her life, but now chooses to speak to you in a derogatory way., and it's not on, in any shape or form.

SausageSizzle · 31/10/2021 02:33

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, good luck with that one, love!" .

With respect, I think you're making too much of this. A lot of young adults go through a bit of an obnoxious phase until they come down to earth with a bump.

I'm sure you've given your DD lots of great experiences growing up and now it's time to give her another one.... standing on her own two feet and being independent.

In your shoes, I'd make vaguely supportive noises about further study if that's what she wants, but make it clear that she will have to fund it herself.

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2021 02:38

Didn’t you point out to her that you funded it and organised her new passport when she realised hers had expired?

NiceGerbil · 31/10/2021 02:45

She hasn't been like this at all before? And it just came on after the hol, or prob I'm guessing over the last year?

If this is the first time she's been like this then I think you are being over sensitive although I understand why.

Young people can be arses to parents it's a well known thing.

What's she studying?

And is she saying I want to do more study to avoid work and expect you to fund?

Or more. Having a great time never want it to stop, have responsibility etc. Which is not the same..

When does she graduate?
Has she got a part time/ holiday job?

I don't think she's a lost cause OP just being young and insensitive.

Woollynumnah · 31/10/2021 02:57

Yep the part of the brain that helps us to be sympathetic towards others is not fully formed until 24/25 yrs. So don't take it personally op.

That doesn't mean you tolerate her being disrespectful towards you though. I would just withdraw your affection slightly, not be so available emotionally, and focus on your own issues. And the next time she asks for some financial help, sit her down and say that you aren't inclined to give it to her because she didn't appreciate your paying for her holiday etc and you found it hurtful and disrespectful.

I would spent your energy working on yourself. Could you try to reduce your working hours? Do something for yourself? Teens and young adults often instinctively mirror or reflect how we feel about ourselves.

MamsellMarie · 31/10/2021 03:18

Try to be the adult here. Do you need to have a family discussion over finances - when are you planning on retiring? Does she have siblings? Can DH work part time?

Qwertykeys · 31/10/2021 08:00

This

Fernhilde · 31/10/2021 08:08

Nothing wrong with wanting to be a student forever, it's just a fantasy. Just smile and nod.

Original poster

Jaxxy · 31/10/2021 11:15

All, thanks, good to give myself a shake too as I was feeling a bit sorry for myself/put upon and hurt but I also need to be clearer about the level of financial commitment beyond her final year ie it’s not infinite!. She does have a part time job so it’s not all bad, and I think the eternal student fantasy is just that and they are all contrasting current social life with the last 18 months.

OP posts:

Rainbowsew · 31/10/2021 11:23

Easily solved.
Stop any funding/allowance. Ask for the cost of the passport and flights back.
Cease anything you do for her at home. No more cooking, washing, cleaning. She gets (and funds) her own food, transport requirements, drinking/going out money.
As she is now an adult you have the conversation about rent whilst at home too.

I think she'll come round pretty quickly!

Yusanaim · 31/10/2021 14:41

Well if she missed 2 years of uni due to studying online I can understand her finding the life amazing now it's finally happening - most people get 3 years of it so she has missed out.

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