DD treats me like dirt on bottom of her shoe

[Jaxxy]

DD is 21, in her final year at Uni. Her and her friends are loving this year as their social life has opened up and they are finally enjoying the uni life they hoped for. So far, so good!

One of DD friends has taken a placement in Madrid and at my expense, DD has just enjoyed a week with her which she says was AMAZING.

DD has returned from this quite arrogant, saying she wants to be a student as long as possible to avoid working for as long as possible, she has become quite critical of me saying I try and over organise everything and has completely missed I funded the entire trip to Madrid inc new express passport.

We (DH and I) come from working class backgrounds, DH has now retired and I now fund everybody (cars, phones, holidays, allowances) working 60 hrs a week in a senior position in financial services.

I am keen to give DD opportunities we never had however I really resent been talked down and treated badly, I also feel that we have caused some of this ungrateful and selfish behaviour in DD by giving her too much and making it too easy and doing too much for her.

I just feel really hurt at the way we/I am treated and spoken too and am really worried about the comment about avoiding working for as long as possible - goes against every fibre in my body.

AIBU?

When's your turn to retire OP?

Three years hopefully

The opportunity she most needs, is to acquire some manners. followed by a job, a home of her own and financial independence.

Pandering to an entitled little madam is NOT in her best interest.

I can’t believe you funded the trip!! Surely she should have a part time job and be saving for stuff like that herself?

My dd aged 18 is at university and apart from the odd bail out in an emergency or for essential stuff like travel home / railcards etc she’s expected to manage on her own. If she wants to go out partying then she needs to budget for it herself. I don’t think it’s doing her any favours at all long term to keep giving her money.

You need to tell your dd how you feel and say she needs to support herself.

It sounds as though you've "made a rod for your own back" by funding everything. You're working 60 hours a week? Sod that! Perhaps tell your -spoilt- lucky daughter she needs to get a part-time job.

You say since she has come back from this trip she has been arrogant, - it was only a week, surely her whole personality hasn't changed in a week ?

If she was fine before, I would put her rudeness down to having had a few drunken late night conversations with friends where they all fantasised about being eternal students.
give her a couple of days to come back down to earth and if she's still being a pain, tell her you didn't appreciate her remarks since you funded her trip and she needs to start funding herself as you plan to be treating yourself to a few nice things from now on with your money instead of being the family dogsbody.

Hang on a second. You fund a 21 year old woman? As in her car, phone, holidays, food, bills etc?

And you wonder why she is arrogant, entitled and lazy...

Ffs, at 21 I was still living at home but would have been mortified by having to have my mum pay my phone or car. Stop paying for everything and tell her to grow up.

Our eldest is the same age. We were teenage parents and so did everything in our power to make up for it. In fact we over compensated. We. Worked ourselves to the bone. Private education, exotic holidays, every toy/gadget she ever wanted. Now she drives a lovely car & though she works we pay for everything. Guess what? She’s spoilt & delusional. No surprise really.
We love the bones of her & it’s definitely all our doing but her attitude stinks sometimes. We’ve decided we need to pull back for her own good. We don’t want her to live in hostels like we did or borrow money for a pizza to share but there’s that & thinking she’s the Queen of Sheba.
Thing is you live & learn. Her siblings won’t be having the same glittery experience because excess isn’t conducive to a good work ethic.

On the other hand I find that those with younger children seem to think adulthood starts at 18. It really doesn’t. I’ve realised that they’re actually quite fragile & a bit lost. A lot of the bravado is faux confidence. If I give her a cuddle she always ends up in tears!
I’m sure she loves you very much OP but I get that feeling of feeling unappreciated.

Next time she mentions her plan to be a student forever, big smile and say of course if she wants to pursue a post grad thats great she's making plans, but you need to be clear you have only budgeted funding her (including phone etc) until June 2022 (or whenever her degree finishes), and she needs to factor in that so close to retirement yourself with her dad already retired, you don't have any more capacity to do that, but there's lots of funding routes available to her. Say you've taken it on board that you are too keen to organise everything so you won't get involved.

Wait to see what she actually organises.

Gosh my Mum hasn't given me any money since I was about 12
I got a paper round , left school, went to college and got a job. Old fashioned but worked for me and Mum