Is this just how I am now?

[Flylikeabirdinthesky]

I've name changed for this for all the usual reasons.

Trying hard not to drip feed but don't want to make this so long no one can be bothered to read it.

I'm 45 and feel like everything has gone very speedily to rat shit in the space of only a year or so.

Gaining weight steadily, probably as a result of liking cake and wine rather too much and having no interest in sport (this isn't new).

No energy whatsoever - had COVID about 3 months ago and don't feel like I have ever bounced back in a real sense. Feel really like I have retreated into myself - hard to explain.

Adore my DC (mid to late teens) but lose a lot of sleep over the youngest (15) who has developed some MH problems during lockdown, which is a whole other thread.

Job is hugely full on - I work about 65 hours a week under quite a lot of external pressure. Can't afford to quit.

Covid has turned my lovely active parents into elderly people.

My DH of 20 years is a wonderful man on a million levels but is largely oblivious to how I think and feel.

The house is constantly a mess and I have no energy to clean it properly. (I have to say DH does a huge amount of domestic stuff as he is WFH but doesn't do this. Also, a cleaner is not an option for a number of reasons).

I have a couple of different health niggles that scare me but can't see a doctor a) massively constrained by work; b) if you phone our surgery at the moment, you get a recorded message saying there aren't any appointments.

Yesterday, I went to Sainsbury's to do the big shop (DH normally does it) and I felt really panicky and overwhelmed.

Went to bed last night and lay there worrying and panicking for a good 20 minutes before I fell asleep.

I look back at how I was even 12 months ago and don't feel like the same person.

I have absolutely no one in RL I can talk to about this. People think l am this sorted, confident, put-together, energetic person and nothing could be further from the truth.

It sounds like you're completely overwhelmed. Are you able to get away for a few days - a change of scenery and take some work time out?

If you're having health worries, persevere with your surgery til you can get an appointment, even the act of doing it might be a bit of a relief.

Sounds facile, someone else will probably have some better ideas.

Thank you for your response - sadly no, no option to get away as I can't take any leave until Christmas. Also, 3 DC in school / college, including one in Yr 11 and one in Yr 13, just to add extra fun to the mix!

You need to get a bit of time to yourself. I bet you have forgotten what you enjoy doing. Have a little think about you and what you want. I hate myself a bit for saying this but even a little bit of exercise will give you more energy, I need to take that advice
Make tiny tiny changes. Cast out fear.

Why are you working such long hours? That's unsustainable! You need to cut back to a 40 hour week. Are you paid by the hour? If you are on a salary you really need to scale back to your contracted hours.

What you describe does happen as onset of peri menopause (which ime was way harder than menopause itself. Exhaustion, weight gain, lethargy, anxiety through the roof, poor sleeping etc etc.

A few easy tips that won't interfere (much) with your existing manic routine if you can't slow it:

Take the following supplements:

• herbal iron e.g. Floradix liquid or capsules or Boots' Feroglobin (Floradix better but twice the price)
• Vitamin D spray not tablets. Tabs don't work. D-Lux spray is best imo.
• Vitamin B complex tablets.

Hate to say it but try and cut back on sugar and booze. A couple of nights of alcohol will really increase your energy and improve your sleep.

Outsource. If you afford a cleaner/gardener etc get one, or pay the DC to do some of it.

Have a set time each week when the whole family mucks in for two hours. Saturday or Sunday mornings work well: first hour tidying, decluttering, chucking stuff out, getting school bags organised etc. Second hour everyone has a job - hoovering, dusting, polishing, mopping, bathroom, fridge etc. Once the hour is up you stop even if it's not complete. And then you celebrate/reward everyone with cake or a movie and pizza night. Link treats to hard work.

15 mins a day 'room rescue' - tip from Flylady for exhausted overwhelmed working mums. Set a timer for 5 mins. Pick the room that most bugs you - kitchen or living room - somewhere you spend a lot of time. Spend those 5 minutes doing the big picture declutter - chuck newspapers, hang up bags, coats, pair shoes, make bed, hang towels, chuck out old shampoo bottles etc. Then reset timer for 10 mins. Do a surface clean of the bits you most notice. Quick vacuum/mop of the main visible areas. Plump up cushions, shine taps etc.

Do one room each day: bed, bath, living room, kitchen. Do the busiest rooms twice a week. It massively gets on top of the clutter and it's only 15 mins.

Teach DC to tackle their own rooms the same way. 5 minute timer: chuck dirty floordrobe clothes in wash, put stray cups etc in dishwasher, put away books and toys. 10 mins: put away clean laundry, wipe surfaces, strip and remake bed. Then reward themselves with a cup of cocoa or a video game or something.

The thing that jumped out at me is the working 65 hours a week. That's a lot. Have you always worked that much or has it crept up ? If there's any scope to reduce that I would and use the time gained for some gentle exercise. If you can't then give yourself a free pass, that's way too many hours to do much else.

I agree re perimenopause - I hardly know who I am right now, with very similar issues. I'm seeing a private menopause specialist this week as my GP pratice is hopeless lately. Also agree re overwork... I used to work long hours but over time, it became incredibly unhealthy. Hope you can get some help and support.

This is really helpful and very supportive - thank you.

I will check out the supplements and yes, I do agree about sugar and alcohol! I've massively limited how much I drink at any one go because I can't cope with the horrible feelings of existential dread that I experience otherwise. I'd describe myself as drinking frequently but never ever excessively.

The workload goes with the territory sadly (senior leadership in education). It's got worse and worse over the years.

@inininsomnia

Can I ask how you found a private menopause specialist?

I think you need to find a way to reduce your hours, before your health does the job for you. There's a quote " If you don't find time for your health, then you'll be forced to find time for your illness", but I know it's easier said than done.
In the short term, at least force yourself to take short breaks during your working day to get outside - a 10 minute walk morning, lunchtime and after work work will help a bit - and if you don't have time for that , then again that's an indicator that you need to cut back. I have a daily Berocca and than helps when I'm feeling a bit worn out.

Yes, I agree.
I think stress is adding the final touches to the peri anxiety too. I've definitely felt worse the last couple of days as the new term looms.
I've spent the morning cleaning (in between reading all your kind messages) and weirdly feel slightly better. Will try to get out for a walk this afternoon.
It's all a bit of a perfect storm of being in a high stress job, peri menopausal, DC in exam years, aging parents and not really getting over Covid
What a cliche 😕

It’s not a cliche. It’s your life. The thing is only you have the power to make changes, but to give yourself that power you need to be feeling ok about yourself, but because life is so full on you barely get time for a cuppa, let alone a bit of time for yourself, and so the merry go round goes on.
Brilliant that you’ve managed to clean, when you go for a walk, even if your mind is swirling, try and think about yourself, rediscover who you are and what you want.

As a fellow educator I think you need to try and cut your hours. Is a change in time/reduction of days a possibility? No wonder you are stressed. I find going outdoors for a walk calms me but I think maybe you’d be better trying to make some longer term changes. Xx

I can't recommend iron supplements enough. I started taking iron after it was recommended on here, and if I miss a day I know by the next day, my energy levels and mental health start to decline that quick.

You need to reduce your working hours, no ifs or buts, reduce by one hour per week, even if done by 15 minutes a day for 4 days. Just go home, or switch off that computer.

Why on earth are you going to a supermarket? Don’t Sainsbury’s deliver? If they don’t, or won’t in your area, switch to a shop - Ocado, Morrison’s, Tesco - that does.

(You’ve mentioned not being able to have a cleaner - for unnamed reasons. If these include others in your household not wanting strangers in the house, be assured that the Ocado /Tesco/ whatever driver will happily leave supplies at the front door, or even at the gate if that works better.)

More generally - yes, a combination of menopause, fear, hopelessness, and exhaustion is not great. It’s not how you are; it’s how things are.

Great efforts today OP!

You've had some great advice which I won't repeat. I would just add, don't underestimate the effects of COVID. If you have such a demanding job, plus caring responsibilities and are entering peri/menopause, that could have some long term effects. I'd recommend using the remaining two months of 2021 getting on top of simple habits: Vitamin D and Iron supplements every day; reducing alcohol consumption; gentle exercise, even if it's a 15 min walk after work or on your lunch break. Also, gradually reducing your hours and saying "No" more, whether that's at home or work. I'm a bit confused how you work 65 hours a week in a senior leadership position, but can't afford a couple of hours cleaning. I don't want that to sound crass, I do get it; but I just wonder, why are you working essentially a double full-time job, to not even reap the financial benefits??

Use the next couple of months to focus on your health in a gentle way, then hopefully over Xmas holidays you'll be coming out of your COVID fog and can focus a bit more on yourself as you head into 2022. It sounds like big plans need to be figured out: your work-life balance, your income Vs expenditure, and why your domestic life/emotional labour in your household is so unbalanced in favour of your DH and DCs, and not you.

It's a total cliché but it's true: you cannot pour from an empty cup.

but can't afford a couple of hours cleaning.

The OP didn’t say (or at least I haven’t read,) that she can’t afford a cleaner. She did however mention MH issues amongst her children. It may be that they are currently uncomfortable with having strangers in the house. Or there could be some other unexpressed reason.

I think the main problem is that you work far too many hours. Why do you do 65 hours a week? If you worked fewer hours, you'd see your family more, be able to do the cleaning etc. People can manage on less money (I always did). Perhaps cut down your hours or get a different job.

Have heard a similar tale from women friends about our age and think that Perimenopause as well as Covid worries and the huge mental and physical toll that being a mother takes is absolutely overwhelming! Please think about outsourcing as much as you can, cutting down work, seeing a GP about options for Perimenopause. Take care of yourself, you are precious and essential

You definitely need to see someone about peri-menopause and hopefully get HRT, but for now, you have got to stop drinking alcohol. Sorry, op, but it's true.

Alcohol is a huge anxiety trigger, and it can decimate your sleep. Not to mention the empty calories that put weight on. Many, many women find alcohol to be their enemy during peri-menopause, it just makes everything worse.

I would bet that you will feel markedly better if you stop drinking. Maybe not completely better, but you will notice an improvement.

Thank you very much everyone for some sound advice and support.

To those wondering about the cleaner question: it's partly about money and partly about the needs of other people in the household.

Firstly, please don't overestimate what you get paid in my job. Nobody goes into teaching to get rich. We live in an expensive part of the country, have a large mortgage and 3 dependent children who cost the same as adults to feed and clothe.
DH is self employed so his income can fluctuate; this makes us cautious about financial commitments. But yes, I could probably find the money for a cleaner.

In response to the questions about why I work the sort of hours I do - the simple answer is "to get the job done". It's really shit, I know. Lots of factors influence it - workload in teaching was a nightmare to start with, COVID has had a massive impact on the children (my school serves a disadvantaged area), Ofsted pending... Plus, I am the oldest person on my staff. Once you're past 40 and cost more, you need to constantly prove your worth or you find yourself managed out.

Everything everyone has said is really true and useful so thank you. 💐💐💐💐

Assuming no occupational healthcare then private healthcare - even on a pay as you go option - to check out those niggles and consider hrt. They can transfer the prescription back to your GP surgery.
Just Google menopause specialist near me. Bupa/Nuffield will have a list too. Or ask around locally if you have colleagues in a similar situation.
Personal trainer to do something/anything at a time to suit you? Swimming, walking, yoga
Does your LA/academy trust/whatever invest in coaching or supervision for senior leaders? Might be helpful
Can you outsource laundry, buy in mindful chef or whatever just for you even. I know it's a drag but if you break down cleaning into specific tasks and delegate to DH/kids, maybe!
Send those happy to go, away one weekend a month and blitz house?

The workload goes with the territory sadly (senior leadership in education). It's got worse and worse over the years.

I sympathise with this but they will only stop overloading you when you stop allowing it to happen. I work PT in Higher Ed and together with other colleagues have refused to run certain courses because the hours paid don't begin to tally with the hours absolutely necessary to do even a basic job let alone a good one. What could you turn down? What could you delegate? What could you return undone with a clear message that there are not the hours? If you carry on, will they have to sign you off with stress? And then you'd be earning while taking a breather to claw back all those extra hours that made you so run down and unable to manage your home and your health.

thebms.org.uk/find-a-menopause-specialist/

www.newsonhealth.co.uk/new-patients/

Hi OP. Apologies... This is a long reply!

The fact you are working the hours you are is due to our education system being run on and exploiting the dedication of great teachers. The rhetoric around time management, especially at SLT level, implies that if you haven't got a decent W/L balance, it's down to your ability to prioritise and not the sheer pointlessness of many tasks just for 'a higher power', not the children. It is the system that is broken, and its not your fault.

However, having said that, if you don't make yourself and your wellbeing a priority, no-one else will, so that part IS your responsibility!

I used to be in SLT. I was single and it consumed my life entirely. I had such an awful time, my MH deteriorated and the anxiety/pressure and loss of any self-belief led me to the brink of planning my own death in school. (I knew the trunking in my office would not support my weight so it was to be the hall.) It was at that point I surprised myself by how ill I'd become (while still working ridiculous hours). I took a chunk of time off and guess what... the school survived (not that I was coherent enough to care at that point.) I was replaced overnight. We are all replaceable at work but not to our families and loved ones, no matter how 'important' our work role.

I eventually quit to reevaluate my sad, single non-life. I worked supply for a while, while I built my life back and my self-belief. I was harmed from the SLT accountability/no life part of this story and eventually had treatment for PTSD, so please don't let yourself go there.

My crappy time and subsequent life reevaluation led to me dating, meeting my lovely husband of 10 years and having my two beautiful girls so some 'manure' can cultivate beautiful 'flowers' if you use it right.

I did briefly return to the classroom recently (which was a massive achievement after I swore I'd never take a permanent role again) in a middle leadership role, but I started feeling crap again, so being wiser about my triggers, I gave up my TLR and now I teach 0.6 as a catch-up teacher and I private tutor to make the financial difference. It's only M6 so we have to watch the pennies, but I enjoy my family, my life and my work now.and it means I can be present for my children, not a stress bunny - I was acutely aware that I wasn't providing them with a good role model of health/work life balance expectation at all!

I have no idea how you are clinging on, caring not only for ageing parents but also trying to support your exam year children while spending most of your waking hours working to ensure the benefit of other people's children! No wonder you feel as you do.

Please do heed the absolutely brilliant, small step ideas from many PP on here. They might make enough of a difference to get you through. If you continue to feel this way though, despite putting your own health first more and finding a little more time for you (perhaps by doing a 'good enough' job rather than a perfect one?), do get signed off for a while to buy yourself some space to find yourself and what you need again.

There is a great fb group called Exit the classroom and thrive which I wish had been around in my dark days. It has 34000 members and is growing at 1000 members a week. It will convince you that it is not your incapability to manage that is the issue - it is the broken system. Once you realise this, you gain some personal power back as you are a very capable professional and 34000 people cannot all be poor at time management and feeling anxious, panicky and unwell because of it!

You have the power to firstly take some time to step away briefly, then breathe and evaluate what would make you feel better. Don't wait until it's too late and it robs you of your health, sanity, coherence and ability to make your own decisions about your life and priorities. It is difficult for anyone who has not worked in education to appreciate the culture of schools nowadays, but all PP have given useful general advice. It's time for you now OP - you can solve your way through this bumpy time and come out stronger.