Is this just how I am now?

[Flylikeabirdinthesky]

I've name changed for this for all the usual reasons.

Trying hard not to drip feed but don't want to make this so long no one can be bothered to read it.

I'm 45 and feel like everything has gone very speedily to rat shit in the space of only a year or so.

Gaining weight steadily, probably as a result of liking cake and wine rather too much and having no interest in sport (this isn't new).

No energy whatsoever - had COVID about 3 months ago and don't feel like I have ever bounced back in a real sense. Feel really like I have retreated into myself - hard to explain.

Adore my DC (mid to late teens) but lose a lot of sleep over the youngest (15) who has developed some MH problems during lockdown, which is a whole other thread.

Job is hugely full on - I work about 65 hours a week under quite a lot of external pressure. Can't afford to quit.

Covid has turned my lovely active parents into elderly people.

My DH of 20 years is a wonderful man on a million levels but is largely oblivious to how I think and feel.

The house is constantly a mess and I have no energy to clean it properly. (I have to say DH does a huge amount of domestic stuff as he is WFH but doesn't do this. Also, a cleaner is not an option for a number of reasons).

I have a couple of different health niggles that scare me but can't see a doctor a) massively constrained by work; b) if you phone our surgery at the moment, you get a recorded message saying there aren't any appointments.

Yesterday, I went to Sainsbury's to do the big shop (DH normally does it) and I felt really panicky and overwhelmed.

Went to bed last night and lay there worrying and panicking for a good 20 minutes before I fell asleep.

I look back at how I was even 12 months ago and don't feel like the same person.

I have absolutely no one in RL I can talk to about this. People think l am this sorted, confident, put-together, energetic person and nothing could be further from the truth.

@joosiewoosie yours is a dark, sad story, & I'm so glad that you've come through this to share your story. It's heartbreaking that the pressure of being a teacher almost drove you to suicide. No job is worth that. I will share the FB group with a teacher in the family who is in a leadership role, adjusting to chronic illness, & returning to work on amended hours after a period of time off that was also stress related. They have admitted to themselves that they may never feel the same about their job, In my eyes this is a good thing, life-work balance is more important

Completely get this OP.
You are not alone! Just sending you a bit of a hug right here

[quote Flylikeabirdinthesky]@inininsomnia

Can I ask how you found a private menopause specialist?[/quote]
I'm lucky* in that I see a wonderful women's health physiotherapist who helped me recognise my symptoms and recommended the person she saw. But I found her by googling and she had excellent reviews. People on here might also be able to recommend someone in your area.

• except that I see her about my unhappy pelvic floor. Thanks, perimenopause...

Oh, @joosiewoosie, I'm so glad you found a way through. I'm currently underperforming in a public sector role due to perimenopause, getting by on the privacy of wfh, sometimes at mad hours. I'm not quite SLT but they pile on the pressure. I need to reevaluate, but hoping HRT will give me the mental energy for that.

OP, I'm going by the mantra 'you can love your job but it will never love you back'.

Another one here who burned out in a school SLT role and ended up unwell.

While signed off sick I got a different job working for an education charity (less money but enough to keep the household going alongside DP's income, alongside a few changes like actually having time to shop and cook!)and I am a different woman now in all good ways!

I think I was institutionalised thinking the only work I could do was in teaching/ SLT and there was no point looking elsewhere. I also wouldn't consider a pay cut until my burnout forced my hand.

Consider changing your job OP. Try Charity People a recruitment firm for work that will be relevant to your skills.

Massive hand hold and moral support for you.

@joosiewoosie thank you for sharing your story - that's a serious wake up call. You are so correct about being replaced overnight.

I did see a job advertised this week that I would love (learning development manager for a charity) but the dates wouldn't line up with school resignation dates so I couldn't. Still, it proves there are jobs if you look for them.

Thank you all again for your support and kindness.

@KineticSand

Institutionalised is a good way to put it - you end up in a sort of semi-affluence trap. If you've never done anything else and you earn a reasonable salary doing it, it's hard to see a route out.

I would say having gone through similar that whichever way you do it, you should look into HRT for perimenopausal symptoms. Agree cut back the alcohol and sugar. You need time to exercise. I'm around the same age as you and the minor health niggles will only continue or get worse. You need to start looking after yourself more.

But the job sounds unsustainable - how do you find time for your kids? They might not be around much longer if they plan to go to uni. Unless I really totally loved the job I would be having a re-evaluation with my DH on income/outgoings and work situations to see what we could possibly change.

OP is it worth applying for the job and then seeing if they have any flexibility around start dates. About 90% of the effort applying for nee jobs is getting your CV and application form in shape, so it's worth getting that done and then it's ready to go.

About 90% of the effort applying for nee jobs is getting your CV and application form in shape, so it's worth getting that done and then it's ready to go

This is true. Get this done and you'll be ready to go when something does turn up.

Regarding starting dates not lining up, plenty of people have 3 month notice periods or more, if you are successful in getting a new job they need to factor in they may need to wait until you can start. Or are you only allowed to leave at the end of a school year?

Another point to mention is you said you need to work that much to get the job done. Well.... what would actually happen if it didn't get done? Are there things you can consciously decide you're just not going to do? I appreciate I'm not in education but am a manager in NHS and could work 65 hours and still have more to do, but I don't. Some stuff to be honest just doesn't get done. One thing I have in my favour is that my manager is supportive of us prioritising and pushing back in order to keep things at a reasonable level.

I knew you worked in education from your first post. The hours and expectations are unsustainable but also impossible to bring down.
You need a bit of time for you, even if it's just for a walk and a bit of headspace.
Have you considered getting a cleaner? That's my next step to free up Saturday and only work one day of the weekend so I have a full day off.
The menopause support is an excellent idea.
You are not alone in this, so many of us feel exactly the same.

I was also going to say that it's a perfect storm situation. I think we all have times in our lives where shit happens in all areas of life. We cope well when work is tough but home life is good but when everything comes at once-health, work load, worries about our children it becomes difficult to bounce back. I'm having a similar year, my health is finally improving which has been a massive health, DC is more settled (teenager). Just work now but there's no much I can do about that. I also need to lose some weight.

I think sometimes it's just a case of riding the storm and waiting for the tidal wave of shit to spit you out further down the beach!

[quote Flylikeabirdinthesky]@joosiewoosie thank you for sharing your story - that's a serious wake up call. You are so correct about being replaced overnight.

I did see a job advertised this week that I would love (learning development manager for a charity) but the dates wouldn't line up with school resignation dates so I couldn't. Still, it proves there are jobs if you look for them.

Thank you all again for your support and kindness.[/quote]
There's no need to rush your resignation. Take some time off for your own mental health if you need to. It's best you make big decisions like leaving when you have the space and time to do so. It might give you time to line your ducks up and get some meaningful plan in place. You will have a decent enough sick pay of you've been in teaching long enough to be SLT. We feel bad about protecting our own mental health as it's invisible...until it isn't anymore, the damage is done and if you continue ignoring it, might never be again.

Don't worry about resignation dates now...just look after yourself. Put a loose plan in place for Easter. You feel trapped by your salary but if you watch 'The Pit Pony' video on the fb page mentioned earlier, you will see that you can escape with a little careful calculation.

I enjoy the act of teaching, but it's everything else that goes with it that is so draining and created too much mental noise for my mental wellbeing long term. I thought Covid might have been the opportunity for education to examine itself further and improve, but it's just got worse.

I'm happy 3 days a week doing Catchup tuition in school and private tutoring for a couple of hours for a few nights. I feel like I have my mojo and enjoyment of the job I worked so hard for back (like it or not, education in some form is part of me), and I love tuition too as I'm the one with control over my working hours and conditions!

You can do whatever you need to. Just take the time to find you again and think about what you want. Nothing is permanent if you don't want it to be. X

You are overwhelmed and still not completely physically well. I think you need to reduce your hours at work.

It's been a long road for everyone and I think most people are struggling. You have had covid on top of everything else so no wonder you feel like this.

Couldn't read and run... just to add my little bit of advice and support as it sounds like you are almost at breaking point. In your shoes I would just focus on one thing at a time. You can't fix everything in one go and you will feel completely overwhelmed if you even try.

Park the worries about your parents for now, they are adults and will have to sort themselves out for the moment.

Make a coffee or cup of tea and sit down with your husband and really talk to him about how you are feeling. He sounds like a decent man so explain to him you feel you need some help right now, and see what he says.

Get online if possible and make a doctors appointment. Lots of GP surgeries have online bookings now. Even if its for two weeks time it's something you can tick off the list. Don't try and call them on Monday as you will be waiting all morning on hold. Make a list of your health worries so you are prepared when you go in.

Make an appointment to talk to your management and share with them your health and work worries. Ask if anything can be delegated out, even in the short term.

Think about doing one thing that will make you feel better today and do it, even if it's just washing your hair and sitting reading a book for half an hour. Give yourself a break, it's not the end of the world if the house is a mess for now.

Keep sharing - lots of us have been in or are in the same boat. Sending you a virtual hug