How do you enforce boundaries?

[username56485692]

I often read on here that it is important to set boundaries and to not accept your boundaries being crossed. But how do you actually do that?

I have often tried to set a boundary or explain that I won't accept something and been completely ignored. And sometimes laughed at. It's never taken seriously. By anyone in my life.

How do you tell somebody this is a line I do not want crossed and have them respect that? More and more I find myself cutting people out of my life because they won't respect my wishes and it's either go no contact with them or just let them walk all over me and then feel resentful and angry that I have no control over my own life or home or whatever.

Of course some things are not so important so I just let it slide. But certain things that are important to me and I cannot accept means that I now have very few people in my life.

I have ptsd due to growing up in a violent abusive household and also then being in an abusive relationship where I was often raped. Part of this means I am very uncomfortable around drunk people. I choose not to drink and not to have alcohol or drunk people in my house. It's of course impossible to 100% avoid it when out in the world. But in my own home, I feel like I should be able to keep that as my safe space.

But people seem to not be able to respect my wishes. For example a family member came to visit and brought a bottle of wine with them, I reminded them that I don't drink and asked them not to open it and take it back home with them. They just laughed it off and didn't take me seriously. Later on they opened the bottle and I said I asked you not to do that I don't want you drinking in my house. They told me not to be so stupid it's just a glass of wine they're not getting getting wasted. I said it doesn't matter how much it is this is my home and my rules. They said fine I'll go drink it in the other room if it bothers you that much.

Not wanting to cause an argument because I also don't like confrontation I decided to just ignore it but to never invite them over again. But I felt disrespected and ridiculed and the relationship was not the same after that.

Another time a friend asked if they could stay on my sofa for a few days as they had to find a new place to live after leaving a live in job. I said yes a few days is fine a week or two at the very max though.
They stayed on my couch for two years. I told them constantly that I wanted them to leave. They kept giving me excuses, I'm looking for somewhere I haven't found anything yet I need to save up some money to afford the deposit. They didn't pay anything towards rent or bills and helped themself to my food. They worked fulltime and on days off would lie "in bed" on my sofa all day. They would complain about mess that I had left and I would say it's my house I will tidy it if and when I want to if you don't like it you know where the door is. They would just roll their eyes at me and once even dared to comment on it being that time of the month. I yelled at them to leave my house and they always said I was being so unreasonable trying to kick them out when they had nowhere to go.

They did eventually leave when they were ready to and when they had found somewhere they wanted to move to.

I could give so many more examples of people ignoring what I say and just doing what they want to do with no regard for what I want. See previously mentioned abusive relationship with a man who took what he wanted when he wanted it no matter what I said or did.

I find it very difficult after so many negative experiences to let people in anymore. I have very few people left in my life and I would like to know if there's something I can do avoid losing any more friends or family members. Am I in the wrong for trying to set rules for my house? I don't want to let people just do what they want and then silently seethe about it but how do I make them respect me and my boundaries?

The reason I posted to ask is that I have a close family member living with me at the moment who has come home very very drunk a few times recently. I have told them that I have no problem with them going on nights out with friends but asked that they arrange to stay overnight with friends if they are very drunk.

They are not violent or anything but I'm really struggling with ptsd flashbacks. I don't want to have to ask this person to leave and this is a close family member that I do not want to lose.

How can I enforce this boundary without falling out and losing yet another person?

You stick up for yourself and follow through with what you say. If you say you don't want someone to drink in your home or live in your home and they don't follow your wishes then you drag them out. You're being disrespected, don't sit and take it. Next time this relative goes out for the night you lock the door, if they're drunk on return and this is something you're not happy about it and its stressful for you then don't let them in the house.
Your boundaries aren't causing the fallouts, their disrespect it.

Thank you, I'm happy to hear somebody else agrees that it is disrespectful.

I think I did stand up for myself as much as I could in the examples. I repeatedly told them what I expected of them and said my house my rules and told them to leave. But I don't know how to make people listen to what I'm saying and then do it. I can't physically drag the much larger and stronger male friend out of the house when they've outstayed their welcome. I can't kick the female family member out on the street late at night just because she opened a bottle of wine, all I could do was never invite her back again.

Both of these times and many others the person has then chosen to not have me in their life rather than follow my rules so I wonder if maybe I am being unreasonable to ask them not to behave a certain way or expecting too much of them.

Kick them out, Op. You do not have to put up with this. You seem to find boundaries very difficult. Can you do an assertiveness course? This person is take king the piss coming home drunk despite your rules re drinking. Wh6 are they there? Throw them out.

Who are all these people staying at your house? How odd

Just tell them you're not a hotel and lock your bloody door. There's boundaries and then there's boundaries.

You need to spell out consequences.
Best done in advance.
"If you arrive drunk at my house I will not let you in."
"If you are abusive to me I will call the police."
Then you must follow through or the person will not take you seriously and will keep repeating their behaviour.

Not all at once!
The male friend situation happened a few years ago. And the female visitor was a family member who came to visit for a couple of days from the other side of the country, just before covid. I was just using them as examples.

The one who is living with me now is my young adult nephew. It's his home too and I don't want to ask him to leave. He's lived with me for a few years since his parents passed away. He's a good kid, just hanging out with friends and having a good time with a few drinks like lots of people do. I don't want my issues to stop him living his life. I just want to figure out a way to make him understand that this rule or boundary is important to me, I need my home to be my safe space.

An assertiveness course might be a good idea, thank you for the suggestion. I think I am initially assertive but back down too easily because I fear conflict or feel like I'm being selfish putting what I want ahead of what someone else wants

If you want someone to leave your home and they won't you can either do what you did before, wait for them to leave and never invite them back or you can call the police. With the friend who sofa sleeper for 2 year you could also have changed the locks when they was out, bagged up their stuff and left it outside. You are doing the right thing cutting people out who don't respect you. You can't have boundaries by expecting someone else to give them to you, they're yours so you already have them simply by deciding it and communicating it, and you enforce them by cutting people out if it comes to that. You're surrounded by toxic people. even if someone thinks a decision is crazy they shouldn't laugh at you that so disrespectful and a sign they're not your friend.

You need to meet new people and be very careful with how much you trust them, how soon. You're either not noticing red flags or you're letting people get too close to you too soon before you've had a chance to get to know them. Give them a chance to display their red flags before you go doing stuff like inviting them into your home. Be in situations with them where you say no I'm not comfortable with that and see how they react, if they care about you being comfortable or don't give a shit. Things like that tell you what sort of person they are

If someone crosses boundaries and thinks they can get away with it I have some fun with 'tactics.'
I also had a friend who wanted to stay for a couple of weeks until the house he was buying was ready. I lent him my spare room, he cancelled his house purchase and assumed he could stay.Came out with a load of excuses. So I left the fridge empty, let the milk go off, bought food he hated He kept going to the fridge and complaining there was no cheese.
And I babysat my mum's cat while she was on holiday. He was allergic. It took about 10 days for him to get the idea and find a more welcoming friend.

But I don't know how to make people listen to what I'm saying and then do it

This is what you have to let go of. You can't control someone else's behaviour, you can only control your own.

If the relationship ends because the won't respect your boundaries it's them who is ending it not you. If you stay in the relationship allowing them to disrespect you, then you're also disrespecting yourself. Its sad when relationship ends but toxic people are so harmful. In your situation I think you need at the moment a blanket ban on house guests. So go to their homes for visits or go out with them to a cafe etc. And nobody living with you, no family/friends/boyfriend etc, just you in your safe space. At the moment you're not good enough at assertiveness to cope with other people in your home.

So if someone comes to your door with wine when you've already said no alcohol in the house, you remind them and as them to leave t on the doorstep or to out t back in their car. If the won't then don't invite them in. It doesn't matter if they walked 10 miles in the rain to get there, if they won't respect you they don't come in, end of. That you controlling your behaviour. The can choose to go along with your house rules or they can go away, that's their choice and you can't control their behaviour or choices. If they choose another option of eg screaming and shouting and banging in your door demanding to be let in, then you control you own behaviour and call the police, you can't control their behaviour and make them stop.

Omg He cancelled the house purchase?! Wtf!! I'm happy to hear your tactics worked much quicker than my attempt at similar! When I realised mess bothered him I pretty much stopped doing housework. The kitchen was always full of dirty dishes the floors covered in crumbs piles of laundry everywhere. I was miserable living amongst it but really hoped it would motivate him to leave. It didn't.
I did once try locking him out. He told me I was a terrible person he had nowhere to go and slept on the doorstep for half the night until I couldn't handle the guilt anymore and let him in.

Onyx that's good advice for future friends thank you. I am much more wary now and don't really let people get close enough to walk all over me but they were both people I had known a long time and thought I knew very well.

Onyx cross posted with your second post. Thank you that's actually very helpful. I agree and have had no house guests for a long time. Not that I have many left to invite anyway!

Sorry I contradicted myself there. In future if someone comes to the door with wine. At the moment no house guests, I think.

So give notice to the one living with you to leave. You don't legally have to give notice, it's a kindness, so if they abuse it kicking off insulting you etc then out they go right away. Where they go isn't your problem. Your problem is your own safety and mental well-being. They're abusing your trust already because obviously if they said they'd be out coming home drunk, you wouldn't have said they could stay. You're not unreasonable to ask them to leave.

Lots of people who want to disrespect you will turn on you when you get assertive because they don't like the new you, the new you can't be walked all over! Because they don't like the new you their behaviour worsens eg laughing at you, insulting you, rows etc all because they can't get their own way. You can't make them like the new you. You can control your own behaviour by refusing to be around them until they decided to be respectful. If that's never then that's their decision and the relationship ends. Which is right and healthy in those circumstances.

You can't always have what you want. You want them to be nice people. But you don't get to choose how someone else wants to be. If they don't want to be nice that's their choice. And your choice becomes to have them in your life horrible or not in your life at all.

I'm laying awake here wondering the same thing so following with interest.

I think the problem goes back to not spotting red flags and letting these people in in the first place. A bit tricky with relatives as you have less choice but maybe if you'd spotted the red flags with the relative who drank at your home you could have said in advance of the event that they weren't to bring alcohol.

I'm currently embroiled in a situation with a neighbour where they're trampling all over my boundaries and I feel powerless to stop them. I think, tracing it back, all the signs were there and I should have never let them in in the first place.

I can't kick the female family member out on the street late at night just because she opened a bottle of wine,

You can it is totally reasonable. If you want to be kind phone a taxi and give £10 for the fare but you don't have to. Family member wouldn't be on the street late at night if they respected you, so they caused it themselves.

a bit tricky with relatives as you have less choice

A myth. Family doesn't get to treat you worse than others. Unless you let them. It's in your control, what you choose to accept.

I can very much relate to what you are saying here OP. Especially the bit about trying to explain your boundaries, people ignoring them, and then having no choice but to cut people off! It's so frustrating. And for me, I end up wondering what is wrong with me! Why can't I maintain relationships?! It's 3.30am and I'm literally about to fall asleep, so I can't write much right now. I will come back tomorrow. I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this! I actually felt quite comforted reading your post because I thought I was the only one! Recently things have got a bit better for me, It's been very slow progress ....! You are not alone here!

Your nephew is different to the other situations as I assume you have taken on a parenting role, as he has lived with you for some time, and experienced devastating grief.

So this issue, is more in the realm of parenting a teen/young adult than the other examples - which were grown adults being deliberately selfish. They wanted to do what they wanted to do.

I don’t have any advice though- maybe some people with teens/have gone through this stage with their children have some advice?

@OnyxOryx

a bit tricky with relatives as you have less choice

A myth. Family doesn't get to treat you worse than others. Unless you let them. It's in your control, what you choose to accept.

I meant in terms of spotting red flags and not letting them in in the first place. Because you can't really ask aunt beryl to leave your 5th birthday party because she's drunk

I just want to figure out a way to make him understand that this rule or boundary is important to me, I need my home to be my safe space.

It's not necessary for other people to understand why you have a boundary, they just need to respect it. The moment you start justifying yourself people think you're negotiating.

There have to be consequences for people who breach boundaries otherwise it's not actually a boundary. If you won't ask your nephew to leave for not respecting your request to stay with friends if he's been drinking then he will continue to come home drunk because all you've got is words. Either this is so important to you that you simply cannot tolerate it or you are just annoyed at his lack of respect. If you sit him down and tell him that not coming home drunk is a condition of him continuing to stay with you, you have to mean it and be willing to TELL him to leave. Give him a weeks notice and if he's not gone by the end of it, pack up his belongings, change the locks and don't let him it.

Part of having boundaries is not assuming responsibility for other adults. Your friend who stayed for two years made lots of excuses for not leaving but none of those were actually your problem. Like wise the family member you felt you couldn't throw out and the person who you let in because they told you you were a terrible person and you felt guilty. Stop being the solution to other people's problems at the expense of your own comfort and security. If you can't respect yourself and prioritise your own need to feel safe in your own home then why would anyone else.

It is not unkind or unreasonable to protect YOUR home as if it's YOUR home and not a halfway house for people who take advantage.

As a PP has already said you cannot control other peoples behaviour but you absolutely can decide how to respond to it. You are not a terrible person for wanting a home you feel comfortable in.

womaninthelamp I feel powerless to stop them
I can so relate and it's a horrible feeling. I hope you can sort out your neighbour issues.

Ilovemycatsomuch I end up wondering what is wrong with me! Why can't I maintain relationships?!
This! I am fed up of constantly feeling like it's my fault that I have nobody left in my life, I get lonely sometimes and think about trying to make new friends but then wonder if it's worth the hassle. Yes it can be lonely sometimes but actually lonely is better than feeling powerless and disrespected and walked over.

But then I doubt myself and wonder if it is actually my fault because to have so many rude and toxic people in my life doesn't seem normal, one or two maybe but literally everyone ends up in some way hurting or disrespecting me so I wonder is it me, am I the common denominator here, is it something that I am doing to cause their behaviour?

FOJN Stop being the solution to other people's problems at the expense of your own comfort and security. If you can't respect yourself and prioritise your own need to feel safe in your own home then why would anyone else.

Ouch. I needed to hear that. Thank you.

I meant in terms of spotting red flags and not letting them in in the first place. Because you can't really ask aunt beryl to leave your 5th birthday party because she's drunk

Yes totally. Sorry for misunderstanding you.

This is a huge part of it. When you grow up with red flags being normal you keep that thought into adulthood, unconsciously. So a person shows you their red flags and you don't realise so you carry on trying to be friends with them. That's "what's wrong with you" , you pick bad people to be friends with because you can't recognise them as bad.

In a toxic family it's not always just one toxic person too. Because if the rest didn't or couldn't (eg because they're a child) leave them and run a mile from the toxicity, then those people develop coping strategies to survive the toxicity and those ways of coping can be toxic in themselves. To be stereotypical, if for example your father hits your mother, your brother and you, but your mother doesn't leave him she tells you shush don't be noisy don't make him angry, then that's what you learn, that your job through life is to avoid making people angry and you do that by changing yourself from a normal playful child to a timid quiet one. Maybe your hypothetical brother learns that if he wants you to hand over your favourite toy to him, all he has to do is threaten to hit you, because that's what his daddy does, he learnt from your parents that threatening and violence to weaker smaller people is ok. And your hypothetical mother isn't innocent here because she failed in her first job as mother which is to protect you from harm, instead she taught you to endure toxicity. So you can have whole families where pretty much everyone is damaged somehow and lots of them are toxic with their damage.

You're the common denominator yes, because they're all playing the "toxicity Olympics" or spectators betting on who's going to win, picking sides, appeasing people and trying to avoid the toxicity themselves by throwing someone else under the bus. Then you're refusing to get involved with any of it and trying to be a nice person who has healthy boundaries. And none of them likes it! They can't throw you under the bus if you have boundaries. The can't get you to pick their side and hate in someone or else you're for it, if you have boundaries. They cant hate on you effectively if you have boundaries, because you'll won't take it. In short they can't use you. Sometimes the only way out of this mess, the only way to protect yourself and show yourself some respect, is to leave them all behind. Heartbreaking. But if you escape the toxic family you're the lucky one, just doesn't always feel like it.

Sorry to hear about your past experiences and ptsd. It must be really tough. I've had ptsd before so understand how it feels being around triggering things and it can set you off on a spiral that lasts for days sometimes. It's really not fair to have to live in that. Can you say more to your nephew about why you can't have him drunk in the house? I can understand if you don't want to discuss it though.

I struggle with boundaries too, I am not sure why. I have a friend who comes over and I tell her I am tired (pregnant) so once I have put the kids it bed, I am going to bed too. Her bus is once an hour and she either doesn't get the hint and stays really late, or does but the bus goes past while she is checking bus times on her phone, or she is not quick enough and has to wait another hour. A normal person with confidence in these situations I suppose would say something like "can you check the bus times for going home while you are on your way here, because I am going to bed at 8pm". But instead I avoid having her over.

@OnyxOryx wow that's such an interesting post! I mentioned upthread that I also have difficulties with boundaries....

I used to think maybe people disrespect my boundaries because maybe I'm not assertive enough. But the fact is that I am actually okay with speaking up for myself and enforcing boundaries when I become aware that they are being disrespected. I've done numerous 'assertiveness' courses but none of them have really changed anything for me.

@OnyxOryx Your post hits the nail on the head for me though. I grew up in a family where dv and alcohol abuse featured. I have began to notice this pattern where I literally just don't see any red flags or particularly notice any boundary invasion, until things have got really bad! I think being somewhat cut off from my emotions (warning signals) contribute to this.

When I finally become aware that I'm being taken advantage of, things have normally got so out of hand, that I can get quite angry and upset and feel there is no choice but to cut people out of my life. It's not that I'm afraid to stand up for myself....I literally just don't notice (because of childhood conditioning), that anything is wrong until it's really really wrong! I am now trying to be more observant of what happens in the early stages of my relationships....before things get out of control.

@username56485692 I think this is what I meant in my earlier post, when I said I'm getting a bit better with boundaries. Although realistically, I think it is going to take years of effort and practice before I'm any good at this!