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Original poster

First night alone since DH left. Please hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay

33 replies

LouLou198 · 29/10/2021 19:08

20 years together, 13 married, 2 dc 11 and 6. Had the "I love you but not in love with you" script. No one else involved but I think there is another woman in the wing. I'm absolutely devastated. He is adamant it is over. First night alone, It all seems so overwhelming and I'm not sure how I will get thorough this. I'm pushing 40 and wondering if I will ever be with anyone again. Even the thought of starting over seems exhausting. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

OP posts:
123rd · 29/10/2021 19:11

First night of the rest of your life ! You deserve better than to put up with him if he doesn't want to be there. You will be grand

Original poster
LouLou198 · 29/10/2021 19:13

@123rd thank you, that's just what I needed to hear!

OP posts:
Sundancerintherain · 29/10/2021 19:15

You can do this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Sexnotgender · 29/10/2021 19:15

I’m so sorry. It gets easier, I promise Flowers

Have a bath, a glass of wine and watch something mindless on tv.

Cantstopthewaves · 29/10/2021 19:16

You're best off with him gone. I'd not want someone hanging around if they didn't appreciate me.
I'd make something nice to eat (or takeaway) and chill on the sofa with the dc.
Switch of the phone and look after you and yours.
You really will be fine. Really.

Tickledtrout · 29/10/2021 19:18

You're very wise to see there's another woman- or he believes, the potential for another woman.
Wisest thing anyone said to me, when I was in a similar situation was " he's never really committed to anything, so don't expect him to commit to separation". He'll try and keep you dangling.
Moving on is especially hard with the children. Clean break not possible. Just make him take full and sole responsibility for the children when it's his turn. Make him tell his family.
Good luck and take care.

sofato5miles · 29/10/2021 19:19

My ex and i broke up after 20 years, three years ago. Everything works out fine, life goes on and now YOU are back at the steering wheel. I di 18 months of recalibration, had a lot of fun, some heart ache, but now so very fucking happy. AND our kids are fine xx

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2021 19:19

Fuck him. He's cheating and enough of a fuckwit to throw his family away. You will thrive, I assure you. There will be rough days, but you will prevail.

gonnabeok · 29/10/2021 19:19

Been where you are. Told my ex to leave as he had been cheating - were together 15 years. Take it one day at a time. Look at it that he has released you so you can find someone when you are ready who really deserves you. For now practice lots of self care and just focus on you and the kids.

I'm 9 months down the line, every day I wrote things that I wouldn't miss about him and now I realise he did me a favour!

It does get better! Concentrate on finding you again!

dane8 · 29/10/2021 19:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EdwinsActsOfKindness · 29/10/2021 19:20

Pushing 40 may seem old to you right now but it’s actually still pretty young!

I was a single mum of two and in my 30’s when I met my now DH. No one knows what’s around the corner.

I also still remember the first night alone after my exH left. It feels very empty, but that feeling changed and the kids and I slipped into a good routine when it was just the 3 of us.

🍷🍷

mbosnz · 29/10/2021 19:21

40 - you spring chicken you! And he's an unoriginal twat.

fluckityfluckfluck · 29/10/2021 19:21

It will be hard. You have a difficult time ahead but remember - you know what you are worth even if he doesn't. You will be okay. Please don't ever let him come back. You are so much better than him.

Original poster
LouLou198 · 29/10/2021 19:35

Thank you so much for your helpful replies. I'm snuggled up with dc and a gin. One day at a time is great advice. He wants to remain friends and still do things as a family. I think this is his way of keeping his toes in the water in case things don't work out as he thought. I'm just so sad he feels it's okay to leave our dc.

OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 29/10/2021 19:35

Bless you, you’re younger than you know.

You deserve freedom from someone who can dismiss you like that; someone who can discard the life you built for his selfish impulses.

Grieve the future you thought you had, and be kind to yourself. Then have a life free from a man who can’t value you and your children as he ought. You’re worth so much more.

RandomMess · 29/10/2021 19:40

Still wants to do things as a family 😳🙄

Nip that in the bud with "well we're not a family anymore and I'm certainly not doing the wifework for you to dip in and out as you wish"

Dillydollydingdong · 29/10/2021 19:41

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And things can only get better... Believe me, they will! You've got so much to look forward to.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 29/10/2021 19:41

(((HUG)))

Why not see if the kids would like to make a sleeping nest in the lounge tonight?

Or invite a friend around to stay the night?

Do something other than spend the night in your double bed alone.

I'd definitely prepare yourself for 'the new' girlfriend to appear alarmingly quickly!!

Get a solicitor and move FAST, get it sorted while he's feeling somewhat amiable.

...and for god sake, no matter how tempting
Do NOT

  • let him come to the house to spend time with the kids, he picks them up & drops them off.
  • have sex with him (tempting but is shit when they leave)
  • take him back (you'll never trust him to be there for you again)

But for tonight, five minutes at a time! Xx

You will get through this!

Littlepinkpeg · 29/10/2021 19:43

You're incredibly strong and sometime in the future this will just be a bad memory.

Gilead · 29/10/2021 19:43

23 years, I’m having a great time! It gets easier and he doesn’t deserve you. 💐

SpookyPumpkinPants · 29/10/2021 19:46

Oh & forgot to say, you're not even 40. You might feel old/past it/whatever, but from over here at 52, you are old enough to know what life's about & young enough to enjoy it!!!

You'll get there!! Lots of fun to had yet x

Original poster
LouLou198 · 29/10/2021 19:49

@SpookyPumpkinPants some great advice, thank you. Think we might all share a bed tonight!
He doesn't deserve me. I've dedicated all my time to looking after him and dc. Thank god I kept my job when he tried to persuade me to be a sahm - something a friend strongly advised me against. It's going to be a massive wake up call when he realises how much I do and how things just "happen".

OP posts:
Taoneusa · 29/10/2021 19:51

40 is very young really! You’ve done a lot so far, there’s loads more to come for you. Smile

Relax as much as possible and treat yourself to nice things each day, and, you know, days become weeks and soon you’ll be re-oriented in your new way of being. Change is disorienting but we manage it!

TrufflesAndToast · 29/10/2021 20:01

You will be just fine. You sound strong and wise and your kids are lucky to have you.

Agree with PP that you shouldn’t even consider for a minute allowing him to spend time with you as a family. No chance-he made his decision and you’d be a fool not to make sure he immediately feels all the consequences. It won’t do your kids any favours either - my parents did this after my dad wakes out and it really messed with my head as a child.

Be prepared for him to come begging back once he either gets dumped or gets nowhere with whoever he has lined up next, and once he realises how much harder and more expensive life will be. At that point make sure you laugh in his face and walk away with your self respect.

You have a fantastic future ahead of you but be kind to yourself, take it all slowly and know your worth.

TSSDNCOP · 29/10/2021 20:01

Well Loulou, you have youth, two great kids, a job and a wise friend. You are rich with possibilities.

What you now don't have is a husband who, let's face it, is a bit of a cock.

So the future will be better than today, and in the meantime watch box sets and feel good movies, go for long head clearing walks and know that in a years time this too will have passed.

Good luck OP, from one who has walked your path x