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Original poster

New grandson

45 replies

Thomasina79 · 28/10/2021 20:16

Not my first I have a darling grandaughter too. Looking for advice re DILs. My own is awesome and I am so grateful to her for what she has done for my son. We love her to bits.

New grandchild born yesterday. How can we help them without interfering, but with waiting to help and to be involved and to be showing an interest but not to be seen as being as interfering or critical. There are lots of messages on here about interfering MIL (and I had one myself). I want to support my lovely DIL and my son.

OP posts:

lmpeachment · 28/10/2021 20:17

Ask them when you can see the baby, and ask if they need anything

lmpeachment · 28/10/2021 20:18

Be friends with her mum and love the baby jointly

GinIronic · 28/10/2021 20:23

Congratulate them and tell them to contact you if they need anything. Don’t ask when you can see the baby. They will tell you when they are ready.

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LJC1111985 · 28/10/2021 20:24

You sound lovely!

Take food for them with you that's easy to heat and when you visit ask if you can do anything even simple things like make the tea or coffee .

My in laws are lovely but useless when DS arrived . When they visited they expected to be hosted so we were both exhausted when they left.
My mum on the other hand would arrived and just help if we needed. Was wonderful

bakingdemon · 28/10/2021 20:24

When you first visit, take meals in tubs they can put in the freezer. Ask what you can do for them. Say you will make them a cup of tea and they should just sit there. Show willing from the beginning and hopefully that will set the tone right.

wherethecrawdadsare · 28/10/2021 20:24

Congratulations! Quite frankly anyone kind and bothered enough to do the right thing to post on a forum generally is kind enough in reality to get it right. You sound lovely. She's lucky to have you! And bring cake and tea. And tell her she looks amazing and her baby is amazing!

BrilloPaddy · 28/10/2021 20:25

Just message them, say you can't wait to meet baby when they're ready, and can't wait to help them with whatever they need.

I never had a MIL and desperately wish I had. Enjoy every moment and congratulations.

BernieBaby · 28/10/2021 20:29

Definitely with food! Every time I've had a newborn, it's always food that was a PITA.

I was stuck to the sofa with a bf baby and either dh was too busy doing everything else to cook meaning we made do with a sandwich OR he'd be stuck in the kitchen cooking whilst I could have done with help with the baby.

Meals for two that can be stuck in the freezer and heated. Or a Just Eat gift card, that will never go to waste!

Enko · 28/10/2021 20:29

Tell her how good she is doing and make examples.
Dont offer advice unless asked but make sure they know you are happy to help.

OCM19 · 28/10/2021 20:30

Congratulations OP. I second making some home cooked meals and take them over for them to put in their freezer so they don’t have to think about cooking. Enjoy the newborn cuddles 🥰

IDontDrinkTea · 28/10/2021 20:32

Tell her she’s doing a great job.

Offer to help, but not with the baby. Offer to run a load of laundry/wash up/bring a meal with you.

Let her stay on the sofá and cuddle her baby. The worst thing is that everyone comes round and offers ‘help’ which really meant they sat on my sofa with my baby, while I ran about the house doing chores 🙄

But honestly OP you sound lovely and not interfering

neededafart · 28/10/2021 20:33

You sound lovely.

When I was a new mum it infuriated me that guests would just take the baby. As a new mum I wanted it baby in my arms, not to be passed round for hours. Obviously have cuddles, but don't hog the baby!

Miarara · 28/10/2021 20:33

Also when your DS goes back to work, if baby is a none sleeper offer to go round for a couple of hours in the morning so she can go back to bed, you can sit with baby, she can catch up on sleep, when she gets up, if baby needs feeding while she's feeding baby, wash the dishes, make her a cup of tea and some breakfast, sleep deprivation is the worst.

neededafart · 28/10/2021 20:34

Do not offer any advice. She will ask if she wants it !

I find I go to MIL for so much advice now, because she never forced it upon me.

Not just baby related, she is my first call for anything I need advice/help with.

Grouperandoctopus · 28/10/2021 20:34

My MIL used to send me for a sleep in the spare room quite often when we visited when I was super tired. She’s wonderful. And fed us and always sent us home with the leftovers so we didn’t have to cook in the evening.
Also feeds the kids hundreds of cake and icecream, but that’s okay :)

Holly60 · 28/10/2021 20:45

Definitely say you can’t wait to meet baby when they are ready. Arrive with gifts for baby AND mummy.

If you are local, consider if your DDIL might prefer for your DH in particular to do short visits to start. This way if she is breastfeeding or just feeling vulnerable she won’t have to worry about privacy etc. If you wanted to help out a bit more perhaps you could go without DH at other times. I did this for both DD and DDIL- went on my own without DH just to help out.

If you are further away could you consider a hotel or Airbnb? That way you can pop in but not be under foot? Remember it won’t be forever but will be forever appreciated.

Muck in with cleaning and getting drinks Etc. Lots of drinks snd snacks for DDIL.

Also remember that the key thing is to admire baby but look after DDIL. Baby only needs mummy - won’t care about anyone else. DDIL may well appreciate a bit of mothering herself (obviously dependent on your relationship etc)

We also put money in DS’s account for a curry- it was much appreciated apparently .

Holly60 · 28/10/2021 20:47

This is such a lovely positive thread. I’m enjoying reading through it

sjxoxo · 28/10/2021 20:48

I agree with pp don’t ask when you can see the baby.. just send a message/gift/card or whatever with your well wishes & say anything you need we can help with. Then leave it at that until they come knocking! Agree take some freezer meals when you are invited round, or a bag of essentials etc- basics that will be really useful. I think the best thing you can do is to not impose or keep asking what you can do to help. My MIL is asking me constantly what can she do to help..it’s so awkward because honestly, at the moment the best thing she can do is leave me be. I will go to her if I need but lots on my mind before baby comes and she’s so intense it stresses me out! You sound very lovely & considerate Xx

MonkeyPuddle · 28/10/2021 20:50

Tell her she’s wonderful and a wonderful mum, tell your son too.
Say you’re excited to meet the baby when they’re ready for you too.
When you see them, tell her directly how well she’s doing.

LilFoxes · 28/10/2021 21:06

My MiL was great and I know she was worried about getting it right, same as you, and it was lovely.
Offers to make endless teas, bringing pies and lasagnes for us to throw in the oven or freezer. She made the spare room up for me to go upstairs and take a nap at hers when I was a few days post birth which was amazing. She was also very complimentary, saying how natural I looked (untrue), I'd done a great job (felt very beaten up), she felt very lucky to be allowed so many cuddles (she had very brief snuggles between feeds) and she continually offered to hand DS back over to me.
It was a lot but I really appreciated how conscious she was of working with me to find our way. DS is now 1 and we've got a great relationship. I love feeling happy for her to whisk him off to the park or have him at hers for the day. Good luck, you sound wonderful!

Monsterpumpkins · 28/10/2021 21:09

When my dil had her dc I was asked to help with bf... Always took a bag of goodies for dil and ds... Cakes etc.. Dil wasn't worried about asking for help. If your dil doesn't ask don't be afraid to offer!!
Congratulations!!

Luckystar1 · 28/10/2021 21:16

I don’t know if everyone will agree, but I find it very hard to ask for, or accept, help. But I will almost always let someone do things for me if they just say they are doing it…

So ‘I’ll make a cup of tea’ rather than ‘would you like a cup of tea?’

I don’t know why, but that’s me, and I honestly would love it if someone just kindly did things rather than asked if I wanted them…

(I mean things like washing up etc, rather than taking the baby obviously!)

Onemorebaby · 28/10/2021 21:22

What a lovely post op and some great advice here. @LilFoxes your mil sounds amazing! She's exactly what I would have wanted. Op, the fact that you care about your dil and ds and how they are doing is all that it really takes.

Pallisers · 28/10/2021 21:24

My MIL is the absolute best and I love her. She told me she was always determined to be like her own MIL - never interfered and always told her she was a wonderful mother and her son was lucky to have married her.

At the same time, she offers her DILs lots of help with babies/children - but only what the mother wants. she never pushed it.

daisypond · 28/10/2021 21:29

Take food. Don’t expect to be waited on. On the contrary, if you’re able to, muck in with cleaning, washing up, making everyone cups of tea. Don’t say anything’s generic like, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” People always say no and never will contact you, even if they really could do with help or company.

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