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Original poster

New grandson

45 replies

Thomasina79 · 28/10/2021 20:16

Not my first I have a darling grandaughter too. Looking for advice re DILs. My own is awesome and I am so grateful to her for what she has done for my son. We love her to bits.

New grandchild born yesterday. How can we help them without interfering, but with waiting to help and to be involved and to be showing an interest but not to be seen as being as interfering or critical. There are lots of messages on here about interfering MIL (and I had one myself). I want to support my lovely DIL and my son.

OP posts:

RaspberryToupee · 28/10/2021 21:32

I could do with my mum reading this thread…

birdglasspen2 · 28/10/2021 21:34

My MIL doesn't ever make comments about my parenting, sometimes I would like her advice and I ask her but I really like the fact she doesn't say anything, I find it more stressful round my own mum who will voice opinions! If you are good at cooking offer to make freezeable meals? Just offer what you can ....personally I'd love someone to clean my house, cook my meals and take the older children now and then!! I have a new baby and 2 more under 4 so any help is much appreciated! ...saying that I hate being told to sit down and I'll get a cup of coffee for you....in a moment where all children are content and I really want to get one of the million jobs done! ....just ask or say what you're happy/able to do and let DIL say yes or no!

Orangedaisy · 28/10/2021 21:34

Agree be specific about what help you’re offering. Ask if there’s any hoovering that needs doing or if there is obviously washing up or ironing lying around offer to do it. I remember my mil coming to stay when DD2 was very tiny, 20 minutes before she left she said ‘ooo, I could have done your ironing’. It had been sat there the whole time she had been there. I had been parked under the baby bf and it had been staring at me. I know it’s not important in the grand scheme but I didn’t feel I could have asked, but I’d have bitten her hand off if she’d offered.

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Orangedaisy · 28/10/2021 21:35

And if she says no, make sure you keep offering if she has DC2, by then she’ll be less proud/more desperate!!

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 28/10/2021 21:39

Ask what they’d like/need

Don’t hog the baby

Don’t sit on your arse expecting to be waited on when you visit

Especially don’t combine points 2 and 3 (and especially not if the visit is while she’s still in hospital 😬)

MazIsWin22 · 28/10/2021 22:34

I think its really important to nurture the parents - especially the mother! Try to ask them if they need you to help clean up the house or to pop in a few bits for them (even if it means you leave it at the doorstep), ask if they need any dinners made that you could come make or pop up to them, try to contact them about grandchild (of course) but also make a big deal of them too by asking how they are getting on and if they need anything at all - trust me it means so much to know that parents are there to support you too as well as look after the little one if needed. Remind them once (at first) that it's okay to ask yous to watch after baby whilst mum/dad rest or shower etc - you could even be in the next room - but that theres no pressure! Just try to be their mother first before being a grandparent really, thats the best advice I could probably give. Don't expect too much from them, always ask if its okay to do something (such as hold baby, or to pop by etc). Tell them how proud you are of them - thats a really important one!

I have an amazing relationship with my mum & dad because they did this for us, but we have a terrible relationship with my in laws because they were controlling/forceful and expected way too much. No one is perfect but we appreciate the ones who try!

sageandbasil · 29/10/2021 08:44

You sound so lovely! Agree with the others, bring cake and tell her she's doing a great job x

Daughterpanic · 29/10/2021 08:50

Op, the "problem" mils are the ones who would never ever think to worry about this sort of thing or broke any critism.
The Very fact your asking shows you will be a great Mil.

I would simply ask!
Meals cooked, brought over? Take away? Anything you need /want for the baby?
When is convenient to pop around we don't want to intrude on these special precious times.
Good luck op, I wish you were my Mil!!

LightDrizzle · 29/10/2021 09:40

I wouldn’t not mention seeing the baby, that could sound odd, but I’d word it along the lines of “I hope DIL is recovering well and you are both managing to scrape some sleep! We are so excited to meet Theo so let us know when you are up for visitors and what food or takeaway you are most fancying and we will drop in for a quick visit.”

I think the worst thing for me in the early days was visitors not leaving. You have such topsy-turvy fragmented days of feeding, changing, unexpectedly changing again, trying to eat/ sleep/ attack washing mountain that sitting for hours “hosting” and watching windows to nap, unload the washer etc. slip by, is agony.

A special place in hell waits for visitors who glance at the baby who has just dropped off and state “Oh! We’ll just wait until he wakes up to say goodbye and then we’ll be off…” Thereby obliterating your chance to sleep or do x and condemning you to feign normal sociability for a further indefinite stretch.

thewhatsit · 29/10/2021 09:43

@Luckystar1

I don’t know if everyone will agree, but I find it very hard to ask for, or accept, help. But I will almost always let someone do things for me if they just say they are doing it…

So ‘I’ll make a cup of tea’ rather than ‘would you like a cup of tea?’

I don’t know why, but that’s me, and I honestly would love it if someone just kindly did things rather than asked if I wanted them…

(I mean things like washing up etc, rather than taking the baby obviously!)

Yes I had some actual paid help after my second baby but she was pretty useless to me because she kept asking me how she could help and waiting for instructions and I found it excruciating. I just wanted someone to wipe down the kitchen or hang the laundry without being asked.

My MIL was pretty awful at the baby bit but is coming into her own as they are older, which is nice.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/10/2021 09:47

My ex mil was/is so interfering - actually glad to have got rid of her ( to an extent ! ) However , I will always cherish the day she turned up when she knew I was struggling , sent me to bed and watched DS whilst folding up laundry . Practical help was so gratefully received. All the extra ''advice'' she gave me not so much .
Wish you well and congratulations

LightDrizzle · 29/10/2021 09:48

Waiting to be offered the baby is always a winning strategy. It is instinct to tense and resist someone who tries to take a newborn infant. By sitting down, chatting to your DIL and admiring from a distance, she will relax and when the baby is sufficiently settled, offer. You then don’t get into the cycle of her feeling tense in anticipation of you doing all that taking the baby and not giving it back nonsense that a minority of new grandparents fall into.

My mum adored babies, especially mine, but luckily and surprisingly, she remembered how fierce she’d felt when we were new so did an amazing job of holding back. MIL wasn’t a little baby person so never wanted to hog so I didn’t have any of that.

NeverTheHootenanny · 29/10/2021 09:54

You sound very considerate, I think just say to them what you’ve said here, that you want to support and be involved but don’t want to interfere so will wait until they’re ready for a visit. I know when my husband was off on paternity leave I quite liked just being us in our little bubble, but when he went back to work that’s when I needed more support and company from others.

The only thing that bothered me was when people came to visit and wanted to hold the baby for hours. I think some people think that they’re helping by holding the baby for you so you can do other things like cooking and cleaning, but in reality I think most mums would rather be able to cuddle their baby and have support with the practical stuff. So if you can take food with you, offer support with housework, etc I’m sure that would be appreciated. Personally, I would have loved anyone who took a bag of laundry or brought round a home cooked meal. Those little things are so hard to do when you’re sleep deprived.

coodawoodashooda · 29/10/2021 09:54

My friend was delighted when she was gifted with a new dressing gown as part of the baby gifts. Her own dressing gown was a massive hit.

Babynames2 · 29/10/2021 09:58

Follow her lead! She may be happy to hand baby over to you and have a rest, she may prefer to have baby back when he cries etc. And remember that even if you have a good relationship before and are quite close, new baby stress and lack of sleep can make anyone behave a bit differently.

Don’t do as my own mum did and dismiss safe sleeping guidelines etc as ‘overprotective’ and ‘the next fad’. I’ve never trusted her with any of my 3 as newborns due to that.

The best thing my MIL did was to not comment on the way we did things, unless it was positive. I’m sure she disagreed at points and I know she thinks we’re overprotective as we don’t allow the DCs to her house as babies as FIL smokes in the house but she never made it into an issue or even commented on it to me. She did drive me mad with offers to babysit, but more because we knew they were empty offers and I never expected her to babysit anyway. She would be horrified at being left alone with a newborn.

GoodnightGrandma · 29/10/2021 09:59

Ask them if they’d like you to take their DD out for a bit, and if they need any shopping.

GoodnightGrandma · 29/10/2021 10:00

Don’t take flowers, they’re just another chore.

badg3r · 29/10/2021 20:21

I love this thread! One thing I liked early days was if someone said they were going by the shops ok the way and was there anything we needed. Also when they nap at certain times it used to annoy me when people were late. Ask them what time suits them. You could offer to take a picture of all of them together, if they want, we had relatively few that weren't terrible selfies!

MsSquiz · 29/10/2021 20:32

When you visit, take cake and something they can easily reheat for dinner like lasagna or a casserole.
Make the teas and coffees while there
Don't hold baby "captive" if he starts crying or fussing
Don't overstay your welcome

My SIL would come round while her kids were at school to visit me (and baby) with tasty treats and lovely hot chocolates. And she'd offer to sit downstairs while baby napped if I wanted to get a proper nap or have a decent shower while DH was at work. She was my favourite visitor! She never gave/gives unwanted advice, but is always there if I have a question or just want to have a rant.

MazIsWin22 · 29/10/2021 20:32

@badg3r

Yes! Take photos of them (ones they don't expect - the bonding photos). I always found these were the best photos

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