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Original poster

Need new life and new friends, can you help me be positive?

75 replies

TurnStone · 28/10/2021 13:38

I am married and retired. When first retired, DH and I lived the dream of our lives, until lockdown. Now moved to an area close to one family member but so far, no friends (COVID curtailed many social opportunities).

Not possible to resume living our dream life, for several reasons incl increasing age-related physical condition (DH).

I am aware that my life is enormously privileged compared to some, yet my days feel grey and pointless. Have applied for voluntary work but nothing yet. Help ....
( Not getting a pet) Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 15:21

@senorafrigidaire no animals, thanks Flowers

OP posts:
DampSquidGames · 28/10/2021 15:24

Do you think you could be depressed?

senorafridgidaire · 28/10/2021 15:27

@TurnStone. Hmm, no animals!

Does your area have a local facebook page? I've got to know quite a few of my not-immediate-neighbours through ours - people asking for / offering help with things, buying and selling stuff etc.

Could you start a book club?

Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 15:31

@DampSquidGames

Do you think you could be depressed?
Quite possibly. My wonderful DH loves this place but I wouldn't have chosen to be here if not for pressing reasons inc. family tie.

I'm basically full of self-pity and need to have a word with myself.

Reading a Paul McKenna book that's helping a bit.

OP posts:
DampSquidGames · 28/10/2021 15:33

That sounds very tough and leaving your friends and old area must have been really hard.

pickingdaisies · 28/10/2021 15:33

I mean this kindly. Some of these suggestions may not be your "thing", but if your life is really grey at the moment, I really think you should grab any opportunity that presents itself to you locally, at least for the short term, instead of waiting for the perfect thing to appear. Stick your head around the door of a local charity shop or community cafe or space, and ask if they could use an extra pair of hands. If there's a local choir, join it. You can always leave again!

Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 15:37

It's great that you guys are putting so much effort into helping me with this. I get that I am being like hard work, but having been so lucky to have tried enough things to really know what I don't want, I am in an awkward spot when things I might like aren't in the neighbourhood.

💐💐💐💐💐

OP posts:
Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 15:40

@DampSquidGames

That sounds very tough and leaving your friends and old area must have been really hard.
It wasn't hard to leave (to live the dream) and I still have those friends but they are 100 miles away with their own busy lives ...
OP posts:
Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 15:42

@pickingdaisies

I mean this kindly. Some of these suggestions may not be your "thing", but if your life is really grey at the moment, I really think you should grab any opportunity that presents itself to you locally, at least for the short term, instead of waiting for the perfect thing to appear. Stick your head around the door of a local charity shop or community cafe or space, and ask if they could use an extra pair of hands. If there's a local choir, join it. You can always leave again!
Wise words. I think I may just do something for the sake of it.without expecting it to be my "thing". Shock
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MargosKaftan · 28/10/2021 15:43

For other volunteering options, try local charity shops and your library. At the library, they might also have details of book clubs who are looking for new members.

I might join Facebook with a limited profile added to see if there are local woman's groups that have details of activities / groups going on. Ours is one of the few places they put up posts asking for volunteers for working parties to clean up local parks etc which might mean you get to meet people. There may be other smaller food banks in your area, worth asking if they need helpers.

Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 15:48

@DampSquidGames

I think if it was me I’d join/do lots of things and hope it leads to one or two friendships. It’s like the school gates, where there are a hundred parents buy you only need to click with one or two and then you have your little group. Until you find your people the activities will be social and something to do.
Also wise words thank you.
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Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 15:50

MargosKaftan Thanks, good call on the library, all food banks here are under the Trussell umbrella.

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YouJustFoldItIn · 28/10/2021 16:15

Used to go to keep fit, yoga and book groups but IME they didn't really result in friendships outside of the activity per se. It must be my insular vibe.

I know what you mean. I used to live abroad and forced myself to join things to meet potential friends. I had a perfectly fine time passing the time with these women but if I'm honest very few of them really floated my boat in terms of wanting to spent time with them outside of the group activity. They were just a means to an end.

You are dismissing a lot of the suggestions as not your thing, and that's fine. It sounds as if you don't really want hobbies or suggestions for ways to spend your time, you just want to move straight to the part where you have the friends. I get it, I really do, but unfortunately the joining things bit is the only way it's going to happen.

When we don't meet people organically through our children or through work we have to make much more effort or it just doesn't happen.

Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 16:30

@YouJustFoldItIn

Used to go to keep fit, yoga and book groups but IME they didn't really result in friendships outside of the activity per se. It must be my insular vibe.

I know what you mean. I used to live abroad and forced myself to join things to meet potential friends. I had a perfectly fine time passing the time with these women but if I'm honest very few of them really floated my boat in terms of wanting to spent time with them outside of the group activity. They were just a means to an end.

You are dismissing a lot of the suggestions as not your thing, and that's fine. It sounds as if you don't really want hobbies or suggestions for ways to spend your time, you just want to move straight to the part where you have the friends. I get it, I really do, but unfortunately the joining things bit is the only way it's going to happen.

When we don't meet people organically through our children or through work we have to make much more effort or it just doesn't happen.

Spot on ! I have to get over myself ( in the nicest way ) Grin, lose the expectations and just hope that joining in things won't just be a waste of effort.

This thread makes me think I need a counsellor a.k.a. a 'paid friend' to listen and help me figure out what's going on .

OP posts:
KloppsTeeth · 28/10/2021 16:53

Consider being a school governor. Very rewarding work, and great to work with people from a diverse range of backgrounds.
www.inspiringgovernance.org/volunteers

Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 17:12

[quote KloppsTeeth]Consider being a school governor. Very rewarding work, and great to work with people from a diverse range of backgrounds.
www.inspiringgovernance.org/volunteers[/quote]
Something that would never have crossed my mind, thanks.

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PermanentTemporary · 28/10/2021 17:17

Agreed re governor. I was the co-clerk to the governors for a primary school for a while - only half the meetings and in that school it meant I didn't have the legal responsibility of being on the governing body. I was slightly apart from the rows too, but got to know people.

secretbookcase · 28/10/2021 17:21

Ime, the quickest hobbies for making friends are Creative Writing and Am Dram. CW because you quickly get to look beneath a person's surface and they come up with interesting stories and turns of phrase, and because it's a very supportive atmosphere. And AM because everyone is making a bit of a fool of themselves so it's a laugh and you bond quite quickly. Do either of those appeal?

At very least you could join or set up a book club if you like reading.

What was your dream life before? Are there any elements of it you can rekindle?

secretbookcase · 28/10/2021 17:24

I've also realised how long it takes to make friends through joining things like yoga or keep fit. It has taken me a year to get beyond the very polite nod at start of class to some overtures of friendship. But they are starting to happen and I've met some really interesting women I'd never normally meet.

Original poster
TurnStone · 28/10/2021 17:24

@PermanentTemporary

Agreed re governor. I was the co-clerk to the governors for a primary school for a while - only half the meetings and in that school it meant I didn't have the legal responsibility of being on the governing body. I was slightly apart from the rows too, but got to know people.
Rows? As in rows of chairs? Or disagreements ? Confused
OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 28/10/2021 17:25

If you'd consider training as a youth group leader, you might find you love it I didnt and you make friends with the other leaders because you are surviving together

So cubs, brownies, scouts, guides, Woodcraft Folk. The Folk are definitely easier for the nonreligious, no church parade.

PermanentTemporary · 28/10/2021 17:26

Rows as in disagreements.

CalmConfident · 28/10/2021 17:28

Parkrun…we always love new volunteers !

TheBeesElbows · 28/10/2021 17:28

I don't use facebook either, but when I moved across the country away from anyone I know in the middle of the pandemic I made a basic profile and joined every local to my neighbourhood group. Via backyard vegetable growing one (people share plants they've grown and I replied to a post asking to take one) I met three neighbours in my first week incl lots of dinner invitations and then introductions to their friends - gave me an immediate social life and saved me from insanity during the lockdown that followed shortly as one of the neighbour families became my bubble. I met more wonderful local people via other local 'special interest' groups. So for this purpose I do really recommend fb.

KloppsTeeth · 28/10/2021 17:30

@PermanentTemporary

Agreed re governor. I was the co-clerk to the governors for a primary school for a while - only half the meetings and in that school it meant I didn't have the legal responsibility of being on the governing body. I was slightly apart from the rows too, but got to know people.
I am an experienced governor; having governed in 5 schools. I have not ever come across any arguments. I also have an extensive network of colleagues, and it seems the number of schools experiencing this is vanishingly small. Don’t let that put you off. If you sign up through Inspiring Governance, you will get free training and support for a year. You can also get a good idea of the culture of the school’s governor board before you join.