What is the point of my life?

[User45883]

I am mid 50s, and in good physical health.

I have two children both in their early 20s. One is living abroad and is happy with a job, partner, and no intention of coming back to the UK (and I totally agree with that POV!). The other lives locally, and is very happy with a partner – he spends more time with the partner’s family than me, which is fine; they are nice people. I see him maybe once every fortnight.

My parents both died about 15 years ago and I have no other relatives apart from a brother who lives at the other end of the country. He has his own successful and happy life and family and is nice enough, but we are really only in contact via a phone call on birthdays and Xmas.

I work in a professional career and it is ok, but I'm not bothered about progressing and would bin it off in an instant if I won the lottery.

I used to be quite passionate about doing a competitive sport, but am less bothered now, I’m too old and never going to excel, and I’m not the kind of person who is happy competing just for fun.

I have probably 4 or 5 people that I would count as friends, but I’m not actually anybody’s best friend and I wouldn’t consider any of them as my best friend. They are all busy with their own lives and families.

I’ve been single for over 10 years and am I’m not bothered about finding a partner.

I wake up most mornings, and apart from work, have no demands on my time. Most days I don’t speak to anybody at all and am just counting the hours until it is time for bed again. I recently thought I’d treat myself to a couple of days sightseeing and a night in a nice hotel. Nobody has asked how I got on, and I’m wondering what was the point of spending a couple of hundred pounds just to be alone in another city?

So, what is the point of me being alive? I’m not particularly important to anyone else, so why shouldn’t I just kill myself and leave my kids with a good inheritance?

I’m really sorry to hear you are struggling. I get the impression you haven’t told anyone IRL how you are feeling.

I wonder if you might be depressed. Is there anyone you might be able to reach out to and let them know how you are feeling.

Also might be worth talking to your gp

Honestly you sound depressed are you going through the menopause. Perhaps you should seek advice from your GP.

I think you sound a bit lonely. Maybe you need to do something else and make some new friends. I think there are probably many people in a similar situation. The only reason I think I need to carry on is for my kids who are severely disabled. Most people are just filling their life with work or care or spending their money on stuff to distract them. Meaning in life comes from what you fill your life with. You fill yours with more stuff and it has more meaning. Rather than go on holiday alone go on something group oriented. Go on dates and meet people just for fun not looking for someone in particular. Volunteer a few hours with something that needs helpers.

Oh you poor thing. It must be horrible to feel like that. I'm sure your children and brother would bw devastated if you werent here anymore. Please speak to your GP about your feelings.

You do sound a little depressed. I would speak to your GP.
Would you have the time to take care of a dog? My mother in law felt similar to you and having a dog has given her a new sense of purpose.

All humans have a need for close connections with others.

Hobbies have always been my way of making friends - why on earth does not winning mean the sport you enjoy isn't worth continuing with? Are there other activities you might enjoy? Is dating an absolutely no go?

I think you have to view social vonnection as a bit like excise - it is good for your mental health even if you have to force yourself to do it.

I wondered about depression too - feeling hopeless, becoming uninteresting in things you previously enjoyed, thinking about suicide. You could have a chat with your GP.

Ordinarily I'd be advising you to check if any local social groups that pique your interest - there's loads even rurally from cooking to rambling to arts to writing to reading to bell-ringing to am dram - but it's hard in these times to enjoy social groups like they were pre-covid.

You don't sound suicidal per se, OP you sound lonely and bored which can be close friends of suicide if your needs stay unmet, IME.

You seem to lack purpose now your children are older and I say to you - find your passion now.

Disregard your sport - that doesn't sound like it brings you joy any more.

Disregard your career - it's neither here nor there.

Can you move out of area? Foster a dog? Foster a child? Volunteer for a local cause? Retrain in something that fills you with joy? You're young enough! Could you volunteer at a school, a gardening centre, am dram, charity, helpline? Hospital volunteer?

You sound like you are bored but also unfulfilled and it's sad to hear.

There are lots of groups you could join for companionship and friendship. You don't mention dating - are you romantically lonely? Do you need to date again?

Do you need a restyle? Do you have dreams or aspirations that you've yet to explore? What about animals? Could you volunteer at a shelter? Adopt a dog that needs you, too? What is causing this feeling? Dig deep and find out.

Good luck OP

OP, I feel for you. It is a very challenging time of life, I think. DC grown, bit jaded and exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and things that gave pleasure for years no longer do. I think it's great that you went off on your own, and understand how odd it feels not to have anyone ask about your time away. It was a mini adventure. Genuinely, I'd like to hear about it. Where did you go? What did you see? How was the hotel? Would you recommend it?

I've been thinking and thinking about it and come to the conclusion we need bit shake ups in our lives at this stage. Do things that scare us, new things, big things. Are there any things you wanted to do as a child or teen, that you assumed you'd do in adulthood and haven't yet? Any travel or physical challenges? I got pleasure out of climbing the three peaks - not in the one-weekend challenge, but on separate occasions. I enjoyed doing it alone, at my own pace, and was surrounded by fellow climbers. Would things like that appeal?

I'm feeling the need to reconnect with groups of people - to join dance classes or choirs. Why not be brutally honest and join a group for people who feel lonely or a group therapy for people who can't see the point of life? Might be a turning point to actually confront these things we're supposed to pretend aren't a problem.

If you get on well with your DC, can you contact the one who lives a distance away and say you've been missing them recently and would like to visit? You could also invite the local one over for lunch one Sunday, or their whole family. Or even the partner's family that they spend so much time with. Have a small family party and get to know them a bit better.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. Your thoughts and feelings do sound similar to the menopause or depression as PP have said. How long have you felt like this?

Do you enjoy being with your friends? If so why not instigate meeting up more regularly and you may feel able to open up to them about how you’re feeling? If not, maybe take some time to think what would really make you happy......is there anything you enjoy doing/feeling?
As PP have suggested there are lots of activities you could try but ultimately, if you are feeling like you want to end your life, you may find talking to the Samaritans will help you explore your feelings more and help you figure out why you feel like this.

Try not to despair. 💐

I just noticed you said most days you speak to no one and have no demands on your time except work.

Do you come into contact with others in your work? Is it WFH with the occasional Zoom meeting? I was talking abotu that acute isolation with my therapist the other day and she made a brilliant observation that if we don't work with other people we have no access to 'accidental learning'. I'd not heard the phrase before but she said it could mean anything from overhearing an interesting conversation in the office kitchen - about a book or film or new restaurant, or witnessing someone handle something well or badly and deciding how to cope with that situation if it arose for us, to being around when people spontaneously decide to do stuff together and we join in, learning anything form a new skill to just the social skill of being with others.

You sound profoundly isolated to me and that can lead to depression and a sense of pointlessness. We are social animals. Take this seriously and take steps to change it. Go out a lot, every day. Make it a rule that you do one thing every day that brings you into contact with other people. You can start with easy stuff like joining a fitness class or choir - stuff where there's little pressure to socialise but it gets you mixing. Make yourself mix. Invite family for dinner, neighbours for coffee, dust down old or slight friendships. Join Meet Up or similar local groups to go out walking. Try not to decide in advance who's worth meeting (e.g. "the local walkers are all over 60 so not for me.")

These things won't combat the loneliness overnight but they will gradually thaw it out a bit. Volunteering also helps. I worked at a foodbank for a year. I didn't make any friends but I did feel like it was worthwhile.

I’m sure your DC would rather you live at least another 20-30 years than get an early inheritance OP.

You have a lot of positives. Good health, financial security (assuming) and you’ve in a professional career. Kids flown the nest. You’ve obviously raised them well and to be independent. That wasn’t pointless!

You need someone to share you life. Take a lover at least! Go on a few dates. It doesn’t have to turn into a full on relationship if you don’t want that but maybe you’ll find someone you do want that with. We all need someone.

Could you reduce your hours at work and get into some type of volunteering to feel you are doing something worthwhile. Do you go to the gym or fitness classes to build up your strength? It doesn’t have to be competitive, just building on you.

Take up Salsa or ballroom dancing. Get a dog?

Your DC may not need you now but there may come a time they will. Grandchildren?

I get you. I'm in a very similar situation and a similar state of mind. I've done lots of the suggestions that previous posters have made and so, from the outside, my life probably looks busy and interesting. But it's so very empty. I cried yesterday evening because an acquaintance was due to drop off some books and I'd planned to invite her in for a coffee and a chat, but she called to reschedule!

For me, what's hard is the amount of effort and conscious planning on my part that's needed to distract myself (via joining activities or inviting people to do things) when other people seem to be naturally fulfilled. And being single in your 50s is hard. Even if you don't want another partner, friends and family are happy to see you during the week, but at weekends they're busy. Couples rarely invite single women to Sunday lunch in my experience.

Sorry that I don't have a suggestion, but solidarity!

You say you are not important to anyone else but I can guarantee you are very important to your children. Just because they are happy and fulfilled with partners and careers doesn't change that. It's normal for them to be more independent and see less of you. Fortnightly sounds reasonable to me.

Forgive me but it seems your perceived estrangement from your family is something you have allowed to happen and have accepted passively. But you have to make an effort for things to happen. Suggest meeting up for a meal or Inviting them round for Sunday lunch.

Getting a dog is a great idea. It's a bit like having kids for the first time - you suddenly become exposed to a whole new group of people with something in common.

I quite enjoy my own company but having enforced isolation from co-workers and friends and family over Covid has made me realise just how important face to face contact is.

Join a pilates class, a local choir, volunteer somewhere. Just a couple of times a week will help you feel less isolated and meet new people. Living by yourself will be less of an issue and you'll be able to enjoy your home life more as it will be balanced by a more fulfilling social life.

I could've written your post OP. I'm 50, single, I've no DCs, a DB that I get a one line duty text from on my birthday. All I know about his life is the US state he lives in and a vague idea of his job. Friends are all old schoolfriends but all live 25 miles/45 mins away and have their own families. I've no one to share interests with, not that I even know what I'm interested in, I work FT in an unfulfilling job, and when I get home this time of year, I just sit in my pj's watching TV I'm not interested in until bedtime at 9pm I'm friendly, inquisitive, fairly bright, try to keep my weight and appearance in check, not hideous to look at. I get on great with all my colleagues. I'd love to have a dog but I can't because I'm out working all day. I love cooking and meals out but have no one to cook for or anyone local to go out at short notice with. I feel like I've a lot to offer someone, thought that I'd found "the one" 5 years ago but he was just a future faking narcissistic waste of mental effort. I feel like my existence is pointless. I'm dreading getting older, worrying that I'm either going to die alone and no-one will notice for years, or I'll fade away in a care home, never having visitors. No one needs me.

I sort of understand this feeling.

I've just turned 40, no kids. A job working from home so I never see anyone. Very few friends as those I had have drifted away or had children or moved. I usually holiday alone.

However, I try to see the joy in life and see myself as privileged - I have lots of time to spend exactly how I want and I do - reading, running in the fells, watching things I like on TV.

Yesterday after work I sat on a bench under some lovely autumnal trees and listened to music for an hour.

Yes, it's not exactly rock and roll and I am not changing the world or making huge differences to it. However, I do think it's about attitude and if you try and see yourself and your actions as having a purpose, however contrived that might be, that will help.

I am sorry you feel so lonely, it's a truly horrible feeling.
Nothing to do with the point or otherwise of your life though? You still matter even if no one else knows what you are doing.
I hope you find a way of feeling better soon.

I totally relate to this OP, although I'm slightly younger as are my kids. They essentially keep me going and I'm very aware of that and the need to let them go when the time comes and then what?

So I do get it. As others have said I guess it is about proactively seeking out some changes. Even maybe just starting with something really small & working from there.

I emailed about a volunteer thing the other day. I do work full time in a stressful job but am separated so there are chunks of time when the kids are away at their Dad's and I'm just so lonely sometimes. I think the volunteer thing won't happen, I think they probably aren't taking anyone on just now but it's got me thinking, if not that what else?

I think it's brilliant you went anyway by yourself to a different city and it means that next time you are chatting to someone new or different you will have done something interesting to chat about. Maybe start planning another trip which like a pp said could incorporate a visit to your other DC?

I really don't think how you are feeling is that unusual for this age and stage and made worse this time of year in the run up to Christmas. You are not alone in your feelings.

Yes, you put so much thought and effort into doing the best for your children. When they are adults and managing themselves you are sort of left hanging.
Do remember that even though your DCs are adults you are still an example in life that they might follow. There are some good ideas above

Also imv there is not so much going on as there was pre covid so it takes more effort to branch out.
I would start looking at hobbies, can you knit, sew, anything craft based - making something is very rewarding and satisfying ime. And a good way to meet people. Book clubs are good. I'm sure there are voluntary roles that would welcome your time.

@torquewench Could you afford doggy day care? You would have to have a bit of time off to settle a dog in, but after that if you can afford it there are lots of options. I have a dog and I work . DH works from home but he doesn't have anything to do with the dog, so she goes to daycare on the days I work. It costs about £50 per week but she has enhanced my life and she's definitely worth it.

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Trip to the GP would be a good idea I think.

I have no family nearby, apart from DD, who has her own life.
But. I have a dog. I work 4 days a week, so it’s doable, and she’s a small dog. On the days I go to work I take her running with me first thing, 5k and she sleeps all day. I come home at lunch to let her out.
I have met so many people!!!! There’s always someone in the park with a dog, you get chatting.
Someone will always check in on me if they haven’t seen us at the park for several days.
Get a dog, seriously.

It's interesting that you felt there was no point in your recent city break because you had no one to share it with (either at the time or in conversation afterwards). I think solo travel is a good example of a thing that some people love and others find boring and lonely. You need to put some time into finding out what YOU find fulfilling. In the past it has been your job, your kids, your sport. It's all changing now, and transition periods can be tricky, but that doesn't mean that you can't find things to replace them. I don't think you're depressed exactly - you're just trying to find out where your place in the world is. Good luck OP.

You sound lonely. Humans have a need to be needed. Maybe finding a partner is the right time now, it doesn’t have to be a sexual partner, some people couple up for the company.

Op, I and thousands others like me need a kidney transplant to stay alive. If you feel pointless, look into live kidney donation to a stranger (not asking for me, just anyone on the list!). It would dramatically change someone’s life for the better and might give you some purpose and fulfilment.

In other news, there is no point to anyone’s life really so just enjoy it while you are here, self care, indulge, give back to others in need. We will all be dead eventually so just enjoy the bits in between and don’t worry too much about there being a point to it all!

can you join a club, choir or fitness?

I don’t think you’re depressed,, I feel similar.
My DM is a pain in the bum, constantly complains when I see her, really drags me down.
My relationship with DH is none existent.
My DC are growing up and independent.
The only thing I have is a PT job and my dog. I don’t even want to go on holiday anymore, can’t see the point as I’d rather sleep in my own bed.
When my kids became independent I suddenly realised that I and no purpose any more, so I get where you are coming from.