What is the point of my life?

[User45883]

I am mid 50s, and in good physical health.

I have two children both in their early 20s. One is living abroad and is happy with a job, partner, and no intention of coming back to the UK (and I totally agree with that POV!). The other lives locally, and is very happy with a partner – he spends more time with the partner’s family than me, which is fine; they are nice people. I see him maybe once every fortnight.

My parents both died about 15 years ago and I have no other relatives apart from a brother who lives at the other end of the country. He has his own successful and happy life and family and is nice enough, but we are really only in contact via a phone call on birthdays and Xmas.

I work in a professional career and it is ok, but I'm not bothered about progressing and would bin it off in an instant if I won the lottery.

I used to be quite passionate about doing a competitive sport, but am less bothered now, I’m too old and never going to excel, and I’m not the kind of person who is happy competing just for fun.

I have probably 4 or 5 people that I would count as friends, but I’m not actually anybody’s best friend and I wouldn’t consider any of them as my best friend. They are all busy with their own lives and families.

I’ve been single for over 10 years and am I’m not bothered about finding a partner.

I wake up most mornings, and apart from work, have no demands on my time. Most days I don’t speak to anybody at all and am just counting the hours until it is time for bed again. I recently thought I’d treat myself to a couple of days sightseeing and a night in a nice hotel. Nobody has asked how I got on, and I’m wondering what was the point of spending a couple of hundred pounds just to be alone in another city?

So, what is the point of me being alive? I’m not particularly important to anyone else, so why shouldn’t I just kill myself and leave my kids with a good inheritance?

Sending love to you OP 💕. Not in the same position but I can feel your loneliness in the way you write. There must be so many other people out there feeling the same. Reach out to them xx

What is going on in your area ?
There’s a dog walking group near me, but you don’t need a dog, you can just walk.
There’s a litter picking group, and they look a jolly lot when they post pictures on Facebook.
There used to be an organisation that needed volunteers to phone elderly/housebound people for a regular chat.
You ( and I include myself in this ) need to make a new life for yourself and find a purpose.
My SIL went on a singles ( but not one of ‘those’ type of singles) holiday. It was one of those river cruises. She was younger than a lot on board so she got off in the day and went discovering, but enjoyed their company in the evening at the meal and bar

I have pockets of lonely time and no one to share it with. What gives me joy is being outdoors but I don't like big walking groups so try to connect with 1 or 2 others who also like walking.

If any of the PPs fancy a day out, walking, admiring nature, ideally on the coast, pm me please. This could be during weekdays or some weekends. I am in the south east.

I wonder if it's an age thing. I'm approaching 50 and constantly feel 'what is the point of me?'. It's got worse since the pandemic, I suspect a lot of time indoors / isolated for someone who has introvert tendencies anyway probably isn't that healthy. I have a full time demanding job, work mostly from home which I prefer, and several lovely colleagues who I get on well with, but don't really have any emotional connection to.

In my twenties / thirties / early forties I had lots of friends, went out a lot, had quite a lot of interests, travelled, happy to try new things etc etc. I think I was happier then to spend time doing things with people where the relationships were surface level / transient, as I've got older I need more from spending time with someone to make it worthwhile.

Most of my friends are both younger than me and had children late, so have a lot going on in their lives with their children and families, and are all still really into going out partying, drinking cocktails in fancy bars etc. I have no DCs, am a bit of a home bird and as time has gone on it seems to be harder and harder to find things in common with people.

I also seem to have lost a lot of social confidence so not keen on doing things outside my comfort zone. DH 'made' me go on a day trip the other week to somewhere different and it made me cry! I was invited out a couple of weeks ago to drinks with old school friends and some other people I didn't really know, and I pretended I was ill so I didn't have to go.

I'm also not very close to my family (geographically nor emotionally), neither is DH to his. I spend pretty much all my time with DH and the dog. Which is great, and we have a lot of fun in a low key kind of way (as much as you can with 2 people who spend all their time together and a furry person that can't talk), but I do feel like there must be more to life. I sort of have FOMO, but at the same time don't really want to do any of the things I have FOMO about.

I often think about my funeral and how small it would be / how few people would care if I died.

For me, the one thing I think would really make a difference is just one or two close friends at a similar life stage to me, who are pretty chilled and just happy to go on walks, spend a few hours in the pub etc. Someone whose company I actually really look forward to.

Unfortunately you can't buy them off the internet, and unless I actually start spending time at places other than my house, I'm not going to find any.

You're not alone.

I agree with PP that this could potentially be menopause related as depleted hormones can cause you to feel low - it's not depression as such (although doctors like to prescribe anti depressants), just a lack of joy in the world around you.

Hey lovely I hope you're feeling a little bit better about things this morning
A PP suggested getting a dog?
Dogs are AMAZING for getting to chat to people
The Cinnamon Trust always need volunteers, seriously walking a dog will boost your mood and you'll meet other people
I love taking my boy for a walk, even on the crappiest days, I've met some lovely people (and a few arseholes) but for the most part it's been very positive
Where abouts in the country are you?

@senorafridgidaire

I wonder if it's an age thing. I'm approaching 50 and constantly feel 'what is the point of me?'. It's got worse since the pandemic, I suspect a lot of time indoors / isolated for someone who has introvert tendencies anyway probably isn't that healthy. I have a full time demanding job, work mostly from home which I prefer, and several lovely colleagues who I get on well with, but don't really have any emotional connection to.

In my twenties / thirties / early forties I had lots of friends, went out a lot, had quite a lot of interests, travelled, happy to try new things etc etc. I think I was happier then to spend time doing things with people where the relationships were surface level / transient, as I've got older I need more from spending time with someone to make it worthwhile.

Most of my friends are both younger than me and had children late, so have a lot going on in their lives with their children and families, and are all still really into going out partying, drinking cocktails in fancy bars etc. I have no DCs, am a bit of a home bird and as time has gone on it seems to be harder and harder to find things in common with people.

I also seem to have lost a lot of social confidence so not keen on doing things outside my comfort zone. DH 'made' me go on a day trip the other week to somewhere different and it made me cry! I was invited out a couple of weeks ago to drinks with old school friends and some other people I didn't really know, and I pretended I was ill so I didn't have to go.

I'm also not very close to my family (geographically nor emotionally), neither is DH to his. I spend pretty much all my time with DH and the dog. Which is great, and we have a lot of fun in a low key kind of way (as much as you can with 2 people who spend all their time together and a furry person that can't talk), but I do feel like there must be more to life. I sort of have FOMO, but at the same time don't really want to do any of the things I have FOMO about.

I often think about my funeral and how small it would be / how few people would care if I died.

For me, the one thing I think would really make a difference is just one or two close friends at a similar life stage to me, who are pretty chilled and just happy to go on walks, spend a few hours in the pub etc. Someone whose company I actually really look forward to.

Unfortunately you can't buy them off the internet, and unless I actually start spending time at places other than my house, I'm not going to find any.

You're not alone.

This is actually a carbon copy of my life I never really thought about stuff until I read your comment

I feel like this sometimes, and I'm only 37

I don't have and don't want kids and have wondered whether that's the void in my life.

OP I’m sure you are particularly important to both of your children despite not seeing them often. I lost my mum 2 months ago and even though we had a complicated and not particularly close relationship I was completely devastated.

I can relate OP and I'm late 20s. It all feels utterly pointless and bleak. Humans live too long these days.

I really appreciate that people took the time to read and respond and probably noone will read this as its been a few days, but I thought I'd reply.

There is a definite hormonal element to this - I've recently started HRT but I don't think it has settled down yet. One of the things that prompted me to get treatment was a weekend of feeling totally terrible - seriously not far off suicidal, and then on the Monday or Tuesday it was like a switch had been flipped and everything was back to normal. I know that proper clinical depression doesn't come and go so quickly.

@MastieMum and @senorafridgidaire - I think you get what it is like.

Yes, intellectually, the obvious thing is to go out and find new hobbies, and go travelling and volunteer, all those things, but they all take mental effort, and all of that effort all has to come from within yourself. There is nobody else who will suggest things or anyone to bounce ideas off or to make any of the decisions or take on any of the practical tasks. I just find it exhausting to do all that on top of just keeping my day to day life going.

I don't know.

My DD suffers with PMDD, which is a hormonal issue, and she describes a switch being flicked in exactly the same way. Hopefully the HRT will provide some relief.

You have done a great parenting job to have two happy and fulfilled children. They would be devastated if you killed yourself, if you are genuinely feeling suicidal please open up and talk to someone in real life.

It sounds like you are missing a purpose, helping others can really bring great benefits. As can nature. As can having someone to look after - a cat or a dog, some company for when you are home alone.

You sound like a lovely person and I hope you figure out how to get that excitement/lust for life/sense of purpose back.

Could you reduce your working hours so you have more time to explore hobbies/volunteering/pastimes?

@icelolly12

I already work part time. I have thought about increasing my hours but I don't like my job enough tbh.

I spent 10 years or so being a single parent with very little help and I managed, but I am really not a 'caring, giving to others' type of person. What I really want is someone to do some stuff for me - just someone else to make a cup of coffee would be nice!

This made me chuckle...