Childrens party- 4 year old DD no invites

[0verth1inker]

Hello, I know I’m overthinking this a lot so please reassure me!
My DD age 4 has started reception. There have been 3 birthday parties so far and she’s not been invited to any. She knows around half the class from nursery and has made friends with new children. I do most drop offs and pick ups and chat with the mums (I know a lot of them but also the new mums!). She says she plays with lots of different children.
None are all class parties- all maybe 10-15 kids? Her 2 best friends have been invited to 2 of them but not her. The first she wasn’t bothered but she’s been a bit upset about the other as they were talking about it before half term.
I know kids can’t be invited to every party, I know it’s not a big deal but obviously it’s hard seeing DD sad! Is it often a slow start and invites come later? I just reassure her numbers are limited, carry on playing with lots of kids and she can have a party for her birthday in Jan if nothing else.
I am a people pleaser and take things to heart and overthink a lot so I’m worried I’ve/she’s done something but I’m sure it’s just kids saying the first 10 names that pop into their heads and she’s not made it!
Also- I know a v small problem, not an issues I’d never say anything. But she’s my PFB and I’m just worried she won’t be invited for anything if they all make friends at these parties and she’s missed from the group!

Oh OP I have no advice other than to say this would absolutely break my heart too! It’s not like you can go ask the parents why DD wasn’t invited either.

Thank you! And no of course not I don’t want to sounds like a maniac 😂

I would have been feeling the same back when my DD was this age - but now looking back I can see it’s really not worth getting upset about.

Parties at this age are chaos, they are definitely not all creating close friendships at them. It’s great she’s playing with lots of different kids - much better this way and she will be happier for it in the long run.

Like you say, she can have her own party in Jan, and invite her friends. I bet there will be return invites after that - and it’s likely that some kids will be wishing that they were at her party and didn’t get invited!! It’s just the way it is when they are so little.

I know it’s hard seeing them sad, but don’t dwell on it overly

Oh OP it's so hard isn't it! The invites will come in time, I'm sure of it

At this age parents either invite the dc of people they have been friends with for years anyway or they ask their dc who they want to invite and it tends to be people whose names spring into their head at that moment. Friendships tend to be very fluid in Reception.
Don't dwell on it. Remind your dd that people can only invite a few people and lots of other children won't be invited.

Ugh it’s awful isn’t it? Hold your nerve though. We were lucky in reception pretty much everyone did it whole class parties, then in year one we started getting the smaller parties and there was a few Dd wasn’t invited to. She was upset and I was upset. My advice would be to ride it out. Just tell her she can’t be invited to everything and dobt give it too much airtime. Don’t be tempted to exclude kids that didn’t invite her from your party. Once you have your party you’ll have a good few months where she’ll probably get invited. The kids start developing their own friendship groups as they get older and parties start getting fewer and smaller anyway so it’s not worth getting upset about

Check her bag and ask the teacher - it could be the invites are going missing.

But also covid has meant smaller parties too.

Oh OP this is so sad. My DDs class all did whole class parties in reception which is much kinder when they’re so young IMO.

I’m sure the invites will come in after DD has her party. Will you do a whole class party?

@RussianSpy101 I haven’t really thought about it yet! We don’t have a massive house (we are in london so I think often people have smaller parties as most people don’t have big houses/gardens and soft play etc for lots of kids is v expensive!). @Santastuckincustoms they’re in WhatsApp messages- we have a class WhatsApp and her BFs mum mentioned the most recent invite and we are friends so I asked her- both times it was a WhatsApp message.

Aah my children now in their twenties but I can remember how gutted I was when one of my sons wasn’t invited to his friends party. They had been in nursery together and then the boys party was mid September in reception.Can still picture my sons face when he realised he hadn’t been invited….I was so sad and actually quite cross with his Mother …in fact am feeling cross again now 🙄

Oh @amsadandconfused it’s so hard. Both parties were kids from nursery and then in her class so DD knew them v well (the first they don’t play with loads so she wasn’t bothered but the second they are ‘helping hands’?! At school together and play a lot with her other two friends so she was really disappointed.
She’s over it now but I’m dwelling and overthinking! 😂

At this stage it will mostly be the parents who know each other inviting each other's kids, I would have thought.

Can you host some playdates to help your DD develop her friendships out of school? Halloween and Bonfire night are coming up... what about a small 'party' for a few friends?

This is why we hired the village hall & had a whole class party for DD in Reception. I didn't want anyone to feel left out.

That said, DD's best friends mostly have birthdays between May & August. So in later years she would get no invitations in the autumn term but would then be at a party every weekend in the summer! Hopefully you'll find similar for your DD.

Coming at it from the other side here- I am worrying that we’ve missed some crucial children off the invite list for DS’s party. He’s just started in reception too.

Why? Because he tells me sod all about school, claims he can’t remember who he played with all day. The invites are based on odd things he’s mentioned in passing, me taking to Mums who have said their children have mentioned him, and me overhearing another child’s name when they’re collected and asking him if he’s friends with them. I am fairly sure that on the day he’ll ask where x is- and it will be the first time he’s mentioned them.

Have the parties been for pre-school friends, or children who don’t know your DD?

Sorry, that last bit should’ve been “children of parents who don’t know your DD”

Bless you . I think it’s harder for us than it is for the children! Luckily children are fickle and move on . I saw the Mum of the child that didn’t invite my now 21year old in our village last week and felt that annoyance again 😂Am sure your daughter will soon have lots of parties to go to …really don’t worry too much .X

… And also just to add, I think we’ll be on the receiving end of this shortly. DS came home really excited because ‘James’ was inviting him to his party (one of the few names he’s mentioned). I thought we should send ‘James’ one to DS’s party, which we did, and it was accepted… And now DS’s best mate has been invited to ‘James’s’ party, DS hasn’t- and it’s on the same day as DS’s (a few hours later) so I’m sure it’ll be mentioned at DS’s party. I’m a bit worried DS will be upset but am hoping he won’t notice!

@PatchworkElmer DD can be like that! The first was a friend from nursery but I don’t know the parents v well as the child’s collected by a childminder so I’ve only chatted to the mum/Dad a couple of times. The other was a mum I chat to a fair amount and kids went to the nursery together and now reception. I think only 12 of 31 kids were invited so DD just didn’t make the list but she was sad (and my friend who’s DD did said she was surprised my daughter wasn’t invited).

At this age is so sad when kids don’t get invited to parties and all their friends do. I’m feel so sad for my dd who has never been invited to a party, but understand that parties arnt what they were pre covid. We had one for her but could only invite 5 classmates. We didn’t make the decision about who we invited we asked for 5 names of who she played with the most and invited them.

For my older 2 it was all class parties so it wasn’t an issue in reception, politics didn’t kick in till yr1.

@0verth1inker ah I see. Well if it helps, we’ve not had an invite yet either. I’m trying not to worry until Easter time- I think that things will hopefully settle down by then, friendships will be more established etc. It’s still such an early stage in the year really- invites are sent weeks in advance and people probably had to make decisions based on only a couple of weeks of ‘school intelligence’. I’m really quite stressed about the whole thing (our party and DS being left out of the other one), which is insane really 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hope your DD is ok. It really stings when you’re left out at that age.

Ahh, I feel for you as I remember this well. We had the same thing with DD at this age too. In her case it got worse as there was some bullying at play & the ring leader was making sure DD was excluded. Something to keep an eye out for, but very unlikely at this age.

I always made sure that we had a special excursion or treat day somewhere she really wanted to go & could get at least as equally excited about. She soon forgot about the party & had exciting stories to tell at school that showed she'd had a better time than going to the parties. She soon forgot about it.

Try not to stress, honestly.

Invite some children and their parent/s for a play, offer coffee, arrange to meet at the park etc.

With reception parties there’s also a higher likelihood that cousins, family friends’ children, children from outside friendship groups are invited, as it’s still a lot under the parents’ control. As they get older the children dictate their guest list more - which has its own awkwardness when they don’t want to invite someone you as the parent think they should.

You’ll inevitably at some point be the parent making the tricky decision and disappointing someone else’s child, so try to be gracious and not take any of it to heart if you can.

Easier said than done but I promise it’s not worth any stress, especially at this age.

Thanks all 💕 @NoSquirrels that is true! I think a lot of the recent parties have had a lot of nursery friends as obviously school has not long started.
Yes I will start inviting a couple of kids round for play dates etc. If nothing else DD will enjoy that!

You need play dates. Four year olds have very short memories, their guest lists are not toiled over, so your DD needs to be fresh in their minds.

Ok @HelloDulling thank you! I will organise some play dates next term :)