My lovely mum

[mylovelymum2311]

I’ve posted a few times on here about caring for my mum, I’m a student and she’s got long term disabilities which were always thought to be mental health .

Family are taking her into hospital today (A&E) as they’re worried she’s had a stroke and has dementia as a result - I’m not entirely sure what they expect A&E to do but GP isn’t doing much .

I’m 200 miles away at uni, very much alone, and I’m in pieces, I don’t want my lovely wonderful mum to forget me . I’ve got a bloody exam tomorrow and how can I focus on that; when my mum might be very seriously ill?

I don’t know what to do, and I keep thinking it’s all my fault; maybe I didn’t look after mum good enough or maybe I argued with her too much when I was a teenager or something . I said horrible things to my mum when I was struggling as a teenager and I haven’t always done my best to care for her and now I feel like I’m splitting in two .

What do I do? I haven’t got anyone else in the world . Just my mum my sister and me, it’s always been the three of us, and now I’m losing my family .

You put all your focus on doing well in your exam.
As a parent I know I won’t be around forever, and what I want most is to know that my kids will be ok, that they can feed/clothe/house themselves and any children they have.
💐

@GoodnightGrandma

You put all your focus on doing well in your exam. As a parent I know I won’t be around forever, and what I want most is to know that my kids will be ok, that they can feed/clothe/house themselves and any children they have. 💐

I wish I could, I’m just sitting on my bed crying . I don’t have anyone else, there would be no point to anything without my mum . I don’t want her to forget about me .

OP, my family have a saying 'don't carry a can of petrol'. Which basically means, don't go borrowing trouble, that hasn't happened yet. Your family have concerns about your Mum, but they aren't medical professionals, and their concerns won't necessarily be borne out. Live in the now. Right now, your Mum knows who you are, right? So enjoy that, live in it. Your Mum would want you focussed on your exam, to do what you need to do, for you. I know this, because she's your lovely Mum.

If you feel your performance has been impaired, could you talk to your course supervisor, explain what's going on, and see whether you could get an aegrotat?

Also, this is one exam. Not your entire course, not your entire life.

And believe me, I know where you're coming from, having had far too many exams in my life affected by severe personal events!

Nothing about your Mum's health is about you - not whether you looked after her enough, or were too bolshy as a teenager. It's about her. And that's not to blame your Mum - our body's do what they're gonna do, given our lives, our history, our circumstances.

This is a really horrible experience for you especially being so young and with the physical distance.

NONE of this is your fault. You sound like a lovely and concerned daughter. Sometimes life stinks and some people seem to get a rougher hand than others. It is wrong that we as society have let you assume a caring burden as a teen and for that we should apologise to you. Please don’t feel guilt about it. You did what you could.

Whatever you decide I would suggest you let uni know the situation with mum but if you can sit the exam. You’ve put the work in already if it is tomorrow. As a mum this is what I would want my daughter to do.

But honestly there is no right or wrong thing to do. If you think the best thing for you, your mum and sister is to be together then do that.

Take care

If I drop out of uni I won’t get back in, I’m only being funded by the skin of my teeth at the moment (second degree, and had to take two years out already) .

How do I tell my sister? She has multiple LDs herself and autism and won’t understand, her carers have told her whilst mum isn’t likely to get better she won’t get worse - if it’s dementia it can only get very, very much worse .

I keep thinking of all the times I got frustrated with my mum and getting so angry with myself, I was horrible at times .

I haven’t been home since moving down to uni side weeks ago, I can’t go home this week with that exam tomorrow and then placement all day Tuesday-Thursday and then I’ve a funeral next Monday too (my granny on my dad’s side), I don’t know what’s best . I can’t settle at all . I need to do somethin, I haven’t done enough preparation for that exam at all (15 minute oral presentation over zoom), I’m going to screw it up completely now .

I’m frightened to tell uni in case they advise me to go home, I don’t want to drop out .

I’ve never felt so scared and alone before .

I’m so bloody stupid, my mum hasn’t been right for years increasingly so as time goes on but no one wanted to hear it, until it was their problem iyswim, I asked for help so many times and told to just get on with it . Maybe if I’d shouted more a few years ago they could have done something . My granny - the one that’s died - had dementia 19 years or so . But it was diagnosed early and medicated . Maybe if I had fought more for mum .

Oh I'm so sorry op...I hope your mum is ok. Don't worry about mean things you may have said as a teen...I have a teenage son who sometimes says awful things to me. I know he loves me really and he's just a typical hormonal teen... I'm sure your mum knows that too!

And you sound quite young...it's hard to get people to help and listen to you even when you're a super confident older adult...don't blame yourself

They said they’re still waiting on seeing a doctor . There could be no point to anything without my mum, all I’ve ever been is her carer and she’s my only friend . I’m scaring myself silly .

Sending her home saying it’s for a GP . I could have told them that seven hours ago (used to work in acute receiving) . I suppose at least the A&E doctor will write to mums GP and maybe get somewhere there . Rather mum be at home than stuck in hospital with covid doing the rounds though .

Do your best in the exam, try and focus on it for now. Then await results about your mum. Sounds like an awful situation 🥲

Your Mum would want you to do your best and be happy, that's all we ever want for our children. She is going home now so have a warm drink and get yourself settled for bed soon so you can be ready for tomorrow.

You've obviously done the best you can for her over the years so just send her a message or some loving thoughts and trust that she'll be ok for tonight.

Hi OP, I'm a uni tutor and my institution has an arrangement called Good Cause for situations like this. Your institution will have such a policy although maybe not under that name so try Googling it - try also extenuating circumstances. They allow a resit or extension, etc if the student is ill or another adverse event such as this causes them to miss the exam.

We ask our students to report the issue via their student portal but if you are stuck you could email the course convenor with a brief summary like you put in your OP, and explain that you can't do the exam, but also that the situation is having a significant impact on your progress more generally. It's best to do this before the exam if you can. We would do our best to avoid anyone dropping out.

If you were my student I would be very sympathetic to your situation and would try to help you get through. All the best.

Thank you; mum has an appt with her neurologist next week, I’m not sure what they will suggest . I’m desperate to visit her but family keep saying I’m not allowed and that I have to stay at uni to study . Even when I have weekends off and I’ve asked if I can come and visit they’re saying no, not allowed . I’m scared she’ll forget who I am by the time I’m allowed home at Christmas . When I phone or FaceTime now she doesn’t talk to me just picks her nails, I’m not entirely sure that she knows who I am anymore .

Re the exam, I’m going to allow myself one more hour of prep snd then just go for it . I’ve definitely not done enough at all but scared uni will say it’s too much personal circumstances, I’ve already had to tell them granny died, surely they’ll think I’m pulling a fast one if I tell them about mum too . Not sure what to do for the best .

Thanks

Passed my exam without a problem . Well, no major problems .

Well done OP 💐👏 Why does your family say you are not allowed to visit?

You got the result then and there? Well, that's good news - well done, OP.

You say 'family' won't 'let' you go and see your mum, but above you say there's just you, your mum and your sister - who are these family members and what authority do they have to prevent you from visiting your mother? You're an adult and her daughter, that trumps whatever relation they are to her. Just tell them you're visiting, don't ask permission.

Well done op please don’t let anyone bad medical professionals tell you, you can’t see your mum. Who are these family ?

Well done for passing your exam - that's a huge achievement given everything else that's going on. Why do your family say 'don't come home'?

So sorry that you are struggling with this. Be kind to yourself, everyone says things to their parents during the teenage years that they'd take back if they could, your DM will know how much you love her. Well done for getting through the exam. Now go & see her, it will put your mind at rest & no one has the right to tell you that you can't go

Just a quick update …

It’s my mums mum (my gran) who was/is reluctant for me to come home as says I should be spending all my time studying and forgetting about home, but it’s not so easy as that really .

I’m finding during the day I can focus somewhat then something reminds me and the tears start again .

Nighttime is hell . I can’t sleep for thoughts and worries and end up very distressed night after night .

Had to talk to sister this evening too who’s severely autistic with LDs although able to understand a lot and she said she was missing mum and frightened mum will die, I didn’t know what to say . I don’t know how to help her .

Feeling so dreadfully alone (in real life I mean) . I have suooort at uni but they’re not friends or family, I have one very close friend I call my second mum but she can’t always be there .

It’s like a wave of sadness and horror hits me every few hours, family said I’m being dramatic and silly and ‘there are worse things than dementia’ I’m not sure they get it at all . When I pointed out dementia is invariably fatal my granny said absolute nonsense . Unfortunately I’ve spent the last ten years working in neurology snd adult acquired brain injuries, stroke, etc - I do know what dementia is, what young dementia/early onset is, and what happens next - I’m not sure family appreciate that at all . Bewildering .

I’ve made arrangements to go home and visit on the 20th, I should have said . I’m scared if I don’t go home regularly that mum will forget who I am .

I’m sorry OP. I don’t really know what else to say, my mum passed 13 years ago and I miss her dearly every single day. Do what you think is right, your mum would understand either way. 💕 Try to get some sleep 😴

@Vallmo47

I’m sorry OP. I don’t really know what else to say, my mum passed 13 years ago and I miss her dearly every single day. Do what you think is right, your mum would understand either way. 💕 Try to get some sleep 😴

❤️ thank you x I’m really sorry to hear about your mum . My lecturer was very kind on zoom yesterday which helped and I spoke to a lovely person on a helpline last night but just desperately want everything to go back to normal . Feel like sister and I are being treated horrendously by family in some ways, sister said she’s been worried mum has dementia for the last few years and so have I, but nobody ever wanted to hear it if we tried to talk .. It’s hell . Hopefully mums neuro appointment next week gets us some answers of some sort . I am hanging onto the fact that her last CT brain was totally normal and GP said that ruled out vascular dementia, that was in 2019, so hopefully, I dunno, things can change can’t they but mum had problems for three years by that point .

Do your exam for your mum