I am embarrassed by my 7yo help

[TryingToBeAGoodParent]

I will preface this with I have anxiety and depression, I constantly worry that I’m not good enough and I do put sometimes high expectations on both myself and DD.

DD is 7, and has some SN and medical needs. She appears younger than she is, around 4 or 5 rather than 7, she has problems with her speech and so she sounds younger than she is. School are not concerned though as its to do with her SN and medical issues.

She can be very repetitive in her speech, she’ll often randomly start counting or reciting the alphabet. And I find it frustrating and tiring. I’ve probably already heard them 5 times by 9am but she doesn’t stop, if you stop her she starts again.

She will also repeat something any man who’s walking near us says. So walking to school with my friends DD but it’s friends dad not my friend doing the school run she’ll repeat everything the granddad says to either DD or his GD.

I just find it so embarrassing and worry what he and others think of me. I find it frustrating as well. It happens a lot on the way to and from school, but often we can have normal conversation (albeit slightly random as she still has a lot of speech issues as I said).

She doesn’t have ASD but a speech issue, dyslexia and suspected dyspraxia as well as hypermobility, school say it’s her trying to make sense of things and repeating things is a good sign because she’s trying to understand what she’s been told. Apparently at school she will randomly repeat things I’ve said and ask what they mean which is also good.

I love her but I find her frustrating at times. We’re off school now for a week and I am so relieved, sorry if that sounds harsh.

For context it’s just me and her at home, she sees ExH EOW for 1 night only no extras ever.

Feel free to slaughter me, I deserve it.

What support are you getting OP? Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It must be really hard for you coping with a child with complex needs on your own and you’re bound to become frustrated at times.

Does DD see a SALT and/or OT? Is she under the paeds? Any outreach services?

Your Dd is a child with SN. Who gives a shit what some random man in the street thinks?

As the school said, it's good for her to repeat things as she's trying to understand. Anyone who judges a 7yo is a that tbh, SN or not

Years ago I read great advice on here which said don't treat your child as an extension of yourself. Your DD is who she is. You don't need to feel embarrassed or judged. You're separate people.
Do you have any support eg a parents' group? You're focusing on the aspects of your DD that frustrate you. You need to try to reset your focus on the positives of her personality and what she brings to your life.

That sounds like it could be Echolalia

Why do you stop her reciting the alphabet or counting though?
Kids learn through repeating and her speech will improve by sounding things out.
DS has ASD & ADHD so I understand the embarrassment thing, people were very judgmental about his behaviour when smaller, I could see the looks & the raised eyebrows.

I don’t have any comparable experience to share but I wanted to say you sound like you have a lot going on and a great mum! From a strangers point of view, if your daughter repeated or made remarks about me I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I wouldn’t care in the slightest! So please don’t feel people will judge you. I think you’re being hard on yourself Xxxx

I have 2 children with additional needs. In all honesty, I don't give a rats ass what people think. If they judge me that's their problem not mine.

I can see where your coming from, it's a hard situation to be in and perhaps you could do with some additional help. Even if it's just the emotional support from someone.

Don't worry what people think, they may see the behaviour that's less 'socially acceptable' in their eyes, they don't see the whole wonderful child

My DD isn’t SEN but when she was little she used to be repetitive to the point it would do my head in. I think they all do it.
She’s just a kid, SEN or not. All she needs is you to love her. Don’t worry about other people.
You sound exhausted, lovely. Big hug.

My child has corpolalia (which is the swearing vocal tic) and I'll be fucked if I'm supposed to be embarrassed about that in front of random people. I won't have her be ashamed of it, so I have to role model that for her.

I get it though, sometimes when it's bad it really feels like it dominates the atmosphere in the house. I feel for you.

You don’t need to be embarrassed by her, but that’s easy to say. Also, it’s okay to get frustrated. Parents of children with SN are almost expected to be super-parents, tolerating behaviours that others don’t even dream of having to put up with. If you have heard the alphabet enough times for one day, it’s fine to try to stop her. As you will know though, it’s not that easy!
I find asking them (DS) to do something else, rather than asking to stop, helps sometimes. Eg ‘sing …’ or just starting a new song myself can help. When I’m in a great mood, I can happily join in and that way can change the monotony of what he’s doing (intensive interaction). Other times, I just grab the ear defenders and use them myself!
Sometimes though, I get cross and shout. Because I’m human. And so are you.
I often apologise, for the shouting not the feeling. I’ll say that I got frustrated and wish I hadn’t shouted.

I would have been mortified on child number , but by my 5th i honestly couldn't give a shit what people think, which is just as well because my youngest sounds very like your dd op. As pp said, she is who she is, she is making her way in the world, and processing things in her own way. I get that it is super annoying at times, it will really help if you can learn to turn a deaf ear to her when you can't cope with it, and filter out all the 'nonsense talk'. Good luck.

Seriously do t be embarrassed by what other people think ,my son has severe autism and learning disabilities,he's non verbal,but will randomly start shouting in the supermarket or spinning etc I couldn't give a toss what people think .

My ds has asd and a physical disability.

I get that feeling. I think it comes from being the only and main carer. You feel like everyone will think you are solely responsible and hold you solely accountable for any behaviours.

The saving Grace for me was to stop recognising it as a behaviour issue. My ds has always been very amenable and well behaved. He just has some behaviours that aren't social norms. They don't harm anyone or inconvenience anyone.

Not like the behaviours of some other children we knew who did things that were unkind towards others or argued or refused to leave places or demanded sweets when told no.

I realised at that point people do judge others - and I didn't care if people judged me for ds being him. Instead I'd openly celebrate him in the hope others would see his positives.

So when she repeats stuff praise her for remembering what was said. Ask her if she understands what means and move the conversation on. When she sings the alphabet let her finish and then have a talk about phonics. So if we out a and t together what does that say etc.

As an aside have you ever had DLD investigated? It's developmental language disorder and has similarities to asd but is just the language part.

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I really do love her with all my heart, when things aren't so frustrating she's a brilliant child, I'm so proud of her as she deals with so much and does it with a smile on her face. My frustration is never directed at her personally, I just shout or cry because I've heard it already and I want it to stop. I have a few times when home walked away into the kitchen or my bed to get away from it, thats about as awful as it gets though, and I never tell her she's bad I just say "I need you to stop".

Distraction only works until we're done with that then back to the alphabet/counting.

Supportwise I get very little, school say she's brilliant and doing really well, I also work which probably adds to my stresses but when I wasn't working I felt even more guilty. I will definitely get in touch with the GP though.

ExH tends to just shrug and say it's my problem, I suspect the reptition is why he doesn't see her more often though - which is probably a good thing as we split due to his violence.

As I said school aren't worried, she holds normal conversations and has friends at school and is generally happy, no bad behaviour and since the EHCP has been followed she's making expected progress.

I just get upset, no-one else seems to understand.

Thank you all again for being so kind, I didn't expect it.

You really need to change your mindset...I have a dc with a speech disorder too. I would have to repeat everything she said slowly and she had many meltdowns. Your child is your priority....random people in the street arent. Most people won't think anything...some may realise she has sn...a tiny tiny percentage will be judgmental...such is life. It's a hard adjustment from being worried about other people to not giving a dam but it's very liberating when you no longer gives shit!

I used to feel embarrassed by my children having tantrums or doing something outside the norm when they were little, mine weren't SN, just kids who did unpredictable things, and I just didn't cope very well with that, I would get red, more insistent, and feel my anxiety going through the roof.

I found parenting in public quite embarrassing full stop, whereas at home I was relaxed mum.

I'm not surprised you also feel stressed at times by your dd's behaviour, and just exhausted. I cared for a family member who used to say the same thing endlessly and it takes the patience of a saint not to snap on the 20th repetition, it's very tiring.

I think when you are a single parent, you do feel like everyone blames you for your child's failings. One of mine has had a lot of difficulties and we have to engage a lot with services, school, I feel like I have to put on a coat of armour sometimes to deal with it and deflect any judgement- no-one might actually be judging, difficult to tell, but your own sense of responsibility makes you feel that way. I know you have dad around a bit but ultimately you are the one on the school run etc.

Try to ease up on yourself, and also involve friends/other mums and dads if that helps you, you don't owe anyone an explanation, but it might be easier for you if you say 'oh, my dd's loves to repeat things, that's just the way she is' and they will pick up why... and be sympathetic to you as a parent. Anything that makes these times easier for you is better.

Do you suffer with social anxiety generally OP? The details of your DD aside for he moment, what you describe yourself feeling sounds so similar to my own social anxiety, the preoccupation with things reflecting on me and paranoia that others think I'm strange or are deducing negatives from me just being really, when it is very likely nobody is even really looking or cares.

It absolutely is exhausting, and that is before you adding in working, a (wonderful!) DD who requires additional support from you, parenting in general, a difficult experience with an ex partner, and the last few years hace been tough for so many. It doesn't mean you are 'embarrassed' of your DD or that anything reflects badly on her or you, just that you have your own challenges. There is no blame or guilt that needs to be attributed to suffering with anxiety, however it presents itself.

You're doing a wonderful job, don't doubt it.

It sounds to me like you're a brilliant, thoughtful Mum doing the work of two parents, and doing it well.

@AnotherName456

That sounds like it could be Echolalia

I was going to say the same

If I thought anything all it would be is ‘oh she has echolalia‘. That’s it. Maybe ‘I should be extra careful not to swear’

Have you told DDs friend’s dad that she has SEN? If you feel he is thinking your DD is being rude by repeating him, just have a quiet word and explain she has speech issues and the school has encouraged her to repeat what she hears to help with comprehension.

Don’t be embarrassed....we’ve all been there. I have DC with ASD and SEN and I remember the feeling of embarrassment all to well. It took an older parent telling me that the looks from other adults and such are usually looks of “been there, my child was like that,...” in support and compassion rather than judgement. Now I’m the older parent and that’s exactly what I’m thinking when I see a mum or dad coping with a small child melting down or being chaotic. I look a bit longer to see if I can help and also in sympathy as I remember how hard it is,
I agree with pp, that you deserve some support. You’re her carer almost 24/7 with no break. At least DH and I could give each other breaks...you don’t really have that. So find a way to get yourself a few child free hours a week. It will really help you to internally unwind.

It sounds like echolalia or a vocal stim. I do it all the time and I can help it by masking now but when I was a child, my mum would get so angry with me and tell me to stop it.

I do have ASD (also dyslexia, dyspraxia, hypermobility and ADHD - full house! ) so, for me, it’s a trait of that but I sympathise with your DD. I was forever being told to stand still, stop doing that, speak normally, and it really fucks you up.

Far from being embarrassed and feeling you are not doing it right, I think you are doing it so well.
People can be judgemental arses, but try to disregard how some random and misinformed member of the public may react. You know who is the important person around here.

Everyone's being very nice to you and I do understand why but I think you quickly need to change your thought process. My worry would be if you her mum can't wholeheartedly love and accept her for who she is without embarrassment, she's going to learn she's not enough. She will know you're embarrassed, and learn from that that she is something to be embarrassed by. You need to reframe your thinking. If you need to get help with that, be it counseling bor other support, do it. She needs you to accept her without exception and show her how great she is.
I say this as mother to a beautiful boy who hand flaps to show us his feelings and echolalia that were working on shaping into functional speech.

Why is she having contact with a violent ex ?
A contact centre would be moe appropriate surely
Your daughter sounds stressed and you both need help with that contact your GP for anxiety help
Also do you follow SEN mums in Instagram who are really unashamed if their kids I find them very empowering