How to accept my life

[Binglebang]

Hi everyone

I am very unhappy in my life at the moment. I have tried numerous ways to try and make things better but am realising that I somehow need to come to a place of acceptance. I am finding this very hard to do though - because I want more for myself and can’t make my peace with where I am.

My ex had an affair and left a couple of years ago. I have 2 D.C., one with SEN who cannot access childcare or have a babysitter. My ex’s new partner is horrible to my D.C. so now D.C. can’t go there. The SEN makes DC very challenging at times behaviour wise. I’m fighting to get him support at school which is very hard. I also work full time which I have to do around picking DC up ( very very grateful for my lovely work). I have no family help at all.

Found the last year or so very hard. I’m a naturally sociable person and desperately miss interactions and socialising. Work is now largely wfh so have lost that one outlet. I have no time for myself at all - just kids and work and domestic stuff. Just feel so very trapped but can’t see anyway of changing things and am recognising that raging about it internally isn’t helping me. I just want a life, to rebuild my life, maybe even have a partner again eventually. It feels like something that is core to who I am is just slowly dying away.

Sorry this sounds over the top and I know there are others who have it worse than me.

OP I don’t have much advice but I just wanted to send you a hug

I really hope things will improve for you soon, how old are your children? Will things change as they get older?

Thank you

Children are primary age. Unfortunately I think did to DS SEN things won’t improve any time soon. Think that is actually what I’m finding so hard. Feels like no end in sight.

I’m not a ‘natural’ mother either which probably doesn’t help.

Sorry to hear this Op. I think you need to talk to your ex and get more support from
Him firstly, does he see or have the children at all now?

Do you have a social worker for SEN child and have you discussed with them again recently?

Omg. Make yourself a cup of tea. Sounds like you are doing amazing.

Are there things you can do at home to carve out time for yourself whilst it's tricky getting out? I've taken up piano, crossstitch and an online zumba class. I know these wouldn't address the socialising as much but they do help me feel like me.

Just wanted to send a hug too and hope that things get better soon for you. There are groups that offer respite to parents raising SEN children and it may be worth enquiring through your health visitor or similar. Wish you all the best x

Thank you everyone.

Ex does see the DC but at my home. Another thing I find difficult but do for the kids.

No social worker. DC SEN is ADHD and anxiety so I think viewed as manageable ( and I am grateful for that I know how unbelievably difficult it is for parents with even more challenging SEN).

Trying to do something at home is a good idea. I’ve started going to bed as soon as DC asleep but that’s a bit depressing in itself! I will try and think of something I could maybe do in the evening. My main problem if I’m honest is I’m just so lonely - I miss people

Are you getting DLA for the child with SEN? If not, get that sorted asap. Could you pay a psychology student who has experience in SEN to look after your child for a few hours a week? I know that depends on whether you can actually afford it. I think money makes things that little bit more manageable when you can pay for a cleaner, SEN support at home, etc.

I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation and hope things start looking up for you.

Hadn’t thought of applying for DLA - that’s a good idea.

Yes have been trying to find someone with experience of SEN who I could try and introduce to my DC and hopefully get to the point he might be comfortable with that person babysitting. Will keep trying!

Thank you for all the suggestions everyone - I do appreciate it

Can't you leave the house when your ex is there? I understand you don't want the DC to go to his place because of his new partner, but I don't understand why you need to be there too. You could try to find something to do for you during that time - an exercise class or evening class or meeting up with a friend?

Ahh OP, it is hard. I’m in a similar situation but my DC are teens and DS with SEN goes to his dad’s at the weekend so I get a bit of a break.
It honestly makes all the difference. You don’t mention friends? My life isn’t wild, but my Friday night drinks and Saturday morning lie in get me through the week sometimes.
Honestly I think your ex needs to step up a bit. I’m disgusted he allows his partner to be so horrible to his child that he can’t have him over. That’s unacceptable. But at the very least can he take him out, or stay at yours so you can have a night away (I’m not sure how I’d feel about ex staying at mine, but just thinking of options).
You need a break, and a laugh

@Ozberry - I do

The times ex has them I usually use to catch up on work ( sorry I’m sounding very defeatist I know!). I should try and go out for an hour or so though.

I do have some friends - but most are busy with their families which I completely understand. Will try and get something in the diary and ask ex to babysit ( I know i sound ungrateful but I even hate that - that any night out I have to come home to him there, but can see practically need to get over that).

Ex has another child with his partner which complicates things a bit further ( it was the classic ok to my kids until her own child was born. My DC do love their sibling very much though so that’s one positive).

I think starting to schedule in a few things for you to look forward to in the short term will help you to feel more accepting about the long term challenges. Good luck OP.

I really really feel for you because this was me a decade ago. Xh's new dw wasn't ever overtly mean to my two, but she was and continues to be exclusive, and xh prioritises his career and new family over our dcs. This is still hard to accept but there isn't really a choice. I still have to negotiate for anytime away with dp, who works away. I've never had family help either due to distance. The weight of responsibility is occasionally crushing but I have some good friends.

My dcs have grown and changed and I found the primary years much easier. The day you can start to leave them without a babysitter is amazing. In another 5 years I'll likely be much freer again.

I found work a real comfort. It's something for you where you have your own identity. My career has really advanced despite the challenges but I had a few years where juggling work and childcare was so hard I felt permanently frazzled. I still do.

Hang in there, take any support you can and try to keep your positive mindset. I promise you aren't alone even when it feels that way. If I knew you, I'd really want to help as I remember the struggle so clearly. It feels very unfair but it will get easier and you will have so much resilience.

@Binglebang Absolutely apply for it, there are so many people who aren't claiming it. I pop up on these threads all the time telling people to claim it. Same with PIP for people aged 16-64 with health issues.

The money could make such a big difference to your quality of life. Check the Citizens Advice website, there's loads of info on DLA on there. You could also speak to the school, there's a page on the application form that the school or anyone involved on the child's care can fill in.

It can be so hard being a single parent without any support and of course it's even harder when you have children with additional needs. Anything you can do to make life a bit easier is worth trying.

Thanks gettingthere will try and take a look this evening

I was wondering if you could invite friends/colleagues to your house if you're very busy? That way you're interacting with others but still able to keep an eye on the dc's, etc.

I was on my own with my 2; hardly any contact with their father, no real family support and a full time job. It was so hard, I really sympathise. In your situation I would really push for your ex to take them out so that your house is your own. I’d contact Early Help via school to access a family worker and also see if the SENCO knows of local support/ social groups for ADHD children. Having a coffee with someone who understands what you are going through is priceless. You might even be able to share some childcare. Don’t be frightened to take people up on help if they offer, I used to think it’d be too much to ask but it would have really helped my MH. My youngest is 12 now and life is so much easier. Do ask for help.

Thanks @Lifeisbeautiful01 - yes that’s it. I just want the house to myself sometimes. Don’t want to feel like if I want free time I need to find something to do outside my own home.

SENCO is useless ( part of the problem!). I am lucky that I am part of an online group for adhd parents which does help.

If you work from home, is there any flexibility in some of the work? Could you take an hour off during the day a couple of times a week to do a bootcamp or yoga or go to an adult ed class in a subject you love, and then make up the time doing mundane work tasks in the evening when DC are in bed?

Your ex needs to step up. He needs to take his DC to his own home and care for them properly there on a regular basis. It's not good enough to say DS is difficult so you have to handle him 24/7. Can you review the custody terms and make a fairer division legally binding?

Have you done those small tricks of slightly enhancing every day? Put on your favourite music when you get up and listen to it while you get ready for school or while prepping evening dinner, watch a favourite comedy sketch last thing at night, do a 5-10 minute yoga with Adrienne or 5-10 minute morning or evening meditation. Tiny things that just allow a bit of breathing space into every day life.

WFH - take a lunch break. A proper one. Go for a walk, with a local friend if possible. Or have a coffee in a cafe. Get out of the house for at least 30 mins.

Would you join a church group? Lots of family churches are very accepting of SEN DC and will accommodate them in children's groups and holiday clubs so you get to go on group family outings, weekends and whole holidays, and there are other adults who help out and ensure you get a break. If you have even rusty or faint faith, that's definitely worth looking into, as well as the support you'd get from church counsellors if you feel alone and struggling. Even those couple of hours on a Sunday morning when they are in Sunday School and you get to let the music and prayer float through you while you sit quietly can be restorative.

It's not quite people, but peopleish, there's online support groups on FB, for parents whose kids have SEN and for single parents, some just posting on screen, some do video meet ups, there might be an online group in your local area. It's not the same, but it is something and I find it's helps a bit being able to talk to parents who are going through the same things, who get what I'm talking about.

My DC are Autistic, one has anxiety and panic attacks, I know a couple of mums whose DC have ADHD, but no personal experience. They have found medication helpful, though I know this isn't always the case. I think generally this is why children with ADHD are viewed as more manageable, where actually it can still take a massive toll on the child and their family even if medication helps.

Thanks @secretbookcase - the small things each day is a really good idea. I’ve sort of slumped into a doing nothing state but that is some throb I could actually do.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons - we are waiting for our final appointment for diagnosis ( NHS screw up sent us back to the back of the queue) and I am definitely willing to try medication. He is in complete crisis at school ( struggle to get him in every single day) if medication helped even a bit with that it would be great. If it just blunted the anxiety as well would give me at least a chance of being able to leave him in the evening with someone else. So I guess that is also something to hang on to.

*thing not throb!