Intense friendship then 'dumped'

[KateNicole]

A few years ago, I got involved with a woman who was very warm and charming but very fickle. She was very complimentary (not just 'that's a nice top' but really thoughtful, intimate observations 'you have such an amazing gift for x/y/z' etc). Sending little checking in texts constantly. Or if you were getting a flight at 12.30, she'd text at 12.25 saying 'have a good flight'. It was like being under a warm spotlight and feeling really cared for. It also felt different to my other friendships.

I'm not saying she wasn't genuine. I think in the moment she was, and our friendship meant something. She quickly got bored though and moved on. Gradually it dawned on me that she had the ability to be like that with anyone and that there was nothing special about me !!! (who knew!!)

I've always prided myself on being able to read people but I got totally sucked in and really thought I'd found some kind of female, BFF soulmate.

A few years on and I still have days where I feel a bit flat. Which is ridiculous as there was nothing wrong with my life before and certainly nothing lacking. It was like she breezed in, threw glitter all over me then breezed off again. Not gonna lie...I felt used and I felt like a bit of an idiot.

Has anyone else ever experienced anything similar?

So interesting to read these stories. I too think that it’s a platonic version of lovebombing.
I also think it’s about control. They need to feel like the most important person in everyone’s world so, in order to achieve this they shower you with their charm, kindness and generosity so that you become emotionally attached to them.
When they feel secure they have your undivided attention - mission accomplished and they move on to the next person.

On the other hand, I have been a very very good friend to a few people. Checking in, thoughtful gifts, helping with their work/children etc. About a year ago I realised that during the lock downs it was only ever me initiating anything at all. I realised this with someone myself, once the pre-covid routines fell away it was very obvious.

I am in this exact position.

Been in this friendship for 6 years. She made me feel so special. Like I was the most important person in her whole life.

I am a bit of a 'saver' of people to be honest. I recognise that trait in myself. She had so many issues and I helped her with all of them. I put her first all the time. Sometimes before the own family which I am ashamed of now.

She became everything. Totally manipulative and I didn't see it. I even lent her a lot of money which I know I will never get back.

Now she is ghosting me. I have served my purpose and the'bank of Uggmum' closed.

It's all very hurtful but it's a lesson learned. A very hard one.

@SunShinesBrightly I think you are absolutely spot on with your post.

Oh yes. Happened to me with another mum. I'm a bit of a loner and I was so flattered when this lovely, bubbly person with kids thhe same age hit on me. The friendship lasted a couple of years and was great, then I gradually realised she was using me, then I finally clocked that she was mocking me.

She finally dumped me quite obviously and deliberately. I was so hurt but realise now that she has form for this type of behaviour, sells herself as a "people person" and moves from person to person on a fairly regular basis.

I love that glitter expression. That's exactly how it feels.

I had a friend who started to do this to me, get really involved in my life. Constant texts, telling me she was constantly thinking of me, buying me gifts. Messaging my husband if I didn't message back quick enough. I went no contact and cut her off totally as I couldn't cope. I don't want to ever hear from her again. She's messaged my husband recently but he didn't reply. It's terrifying.

This is so interesting to me because I feel like there are people that could say this about me.

I seem to draw people in quickly, not my intention but I am a good listener and I like to make people feel good about themselves and I think I'm fun to be around. I'm an open book with everyone so when I'm telling you personal stuff it's not because you're important it's because that's how I am. Plus if you text me, I'll text back straight away with something probably funny and inviting a response because I'm good at holding a conversation and I enjoy this. Making friends with me probably does feel a lot like having glitter sprinkled all over you.

But for me it's the fact that it then becomes expected. I start to feel suffocated and responsible for the other person. So, one great weekend together and a load of texts on the Monday to laugh about the weekend is all good, then I want to retreat for a week or so to do my own thing, see other people or just be alone. But the person, obviously having enjoyed the closeness and feeling really special, will keep it going. I'll reciprocate because I have poor boundaries, then it happens again by which point I'm pissed off, and want to run.

I've honestly lost several friendships this way that I'm sad about because I feel like they could have been amazing if not so full on. I just can't seem to keep people at the comfortable distance where we have fun, there for each other but it's not all consuming.

I have a couple of friends I've had for decades and we just get each other in this way. But they are few and far between.

I don't blame people for miss reading my signals because it must be confusing. The PP who said it feels like being a toy, picked up and put down again made me sad as I know I've made people feel like that.

@PineappleCakes

I think I might be that friend :/

I meet people and I can be very friendly and warm, invite them to things, check in on them etc. I think I'm fairly thoughtful. But actually, this is just in the beginning phase of a potential friendship for me - if once we get to know each other I feel that actually we won't get on long term, then I will pull back.

I appreciate how that might come across as "being dumped" but actually, if it turns out we don't have enough in common, how could the relationship continue?

I tend to have a few very close friends, and a group of acquaintances who may or may not consider themselves my friends, people I would see socially but not be intimate with.

I can massively relate to this. If it was a romantic partner you could do all the stuff at the beginning then after a couple of months say "sorry it's not working for me" and be on your way but with a friend that just feels weird. Maybe we should be doing more of it.

What I'm actually trying to do these days is keep people at a distance for longer in the beginning. I think I get a bit excited about a new friendship but people do read too much in to it so I think that's what needs to happen. Again, it's poor boundaries.

I had.an intense friendship when I was younger, 18ish. At the time it felt amazing, like the sister I never had. But it become too much when I had a boyfriend, and another friend. She appeared insanely jealous, competitive and angry. It was weird, almost felt like we were going out! I started ignoring her and seeing her less, this made her more angry. Eventually I just stopped answering her calls, and changed jobs when she turned up there at the end of my shift. Looking back on it, I believe she has a mental health issue ,similar to another person I know, ith diagnosed borderline personality disorder. As their traits are very similar.

Yes I’ve had this twice. Realised in retrospect that both women were narcissistic, out for what they could get from someone. Make you feel so special, like someone finally “gets” you and then drops you when they have no further need for you. I’m probably more vulnerable than some because I’m Autistic and have low self esteem (adult diagnosis, bullied in school).

With the second woman, it was a work colleague. We worked closely together, she trained me to do her role. She showered me with praise and support. Then after a year she started to withdraw. Suddenly she had no need for me. I’d been given the promotion to her level as a temporary secondment. She didn’t need me any more when I went back to my own job. Not just that she didn’t contact me any more, she blanked me at work! She also had quite a lot of input and when a promotion came up to a similar role (which she interviewed for), I didn’t get it despite having two years experience in the role! I ended up moving jobs to a totally different department so thankfully I rarely see her any more. She said herself “Oh people don’t like me” and I couldn’t understand why. I learned the hard way and am way more cautious now.

It happens to blokes too. DH has got a YouTube channel and a guy on there has got rather obsessed with him. Asked DH to shave his beard and armpit hair and send it to him and said he’d pay £60 😬 DH declined 😂 f

Brilliant thread -had this too many times but thought it was just me

@Nanny2many

Reminds me of a narcissistic friend I had in my teens , and also of something Jennifer garner said after her divorce from Ben Affleck “ When his sun shines on you, you feel it. ' But when the sun is shining elsewhere, it's cold. He can cast quite a shadow.” Makes me wonder if he has narc tendencies

This perfectly sums up a friendship I had in my late teens. Looking back it was completely unbalanced and far too intense.

When I was ghosted by them aged 21, it completely derailed me. I ended up dropping out of my college course and relocating to a different city. We have friends in common so even now when I see their name it gives me a small jolt. I avoid reunions for exactly this reason because I don't want to get sucked into that dynamic again - it had a really harmful effect on me.

I have a family member like this. I don't know why she does it. It's kind of easier if it's family because they keep coming back in phases so you just enjoy when they're more present and let go when they are occupied (till next time).

I had

@GaolBhoAlba

One of my closest friends (of several years) ghosted me after the winter lockdown. Read (blue ticks!) my messages but didnt reply - for months! Naturally, I worried initially that she was struggling with it all, but her fb made clear it wasn't the case - life and soul in all her pics/updates. She's been sending me gushy miss you (ive saw love bombing mentioned here, think thats what im currently being subjected to???), when can we meet messages recently, as though nothing happened! As though we saw each other only yesterday. On reflection, shes always played these mind/power games - it never felt particularly weird before, but it does now. My heart is no longer in it, i've never felt as hurt by a friend (it's a horrible way to feel) and i'm completely done with the friendship now.

So many experiences here resonate with me

This in particular struck me because some people don't seem to perceive there has been a gap in time and that they maybe even haven't responded when you've tried to contact them

One friend disappeared for more than a year and just said "I've been busy". She used to message a couple of times a day.

I recently met a local lady who said to me, very honestly, that she's like that in her friendships. I like consistency so we aren't a good fit to be close friends and I'm kind of glad to know in advance.

I would be suspicious of love bombing. But I was very sad with one friendship a few years back. The woman used to be in regular contact and used to message quite a bit through the day...when I was working full time and couldn't respond except in one round up reply in the evening.

We had a lot in common and had a good laugh. But there were red flags....anyway, she suddenly went off me and told me "I can't be friends with you because you want more from a friendship than I can give". It seemed especially odd as she had set the pace of frequent update messages about her day.

She is trying to be friends again now. I honestly think she might have forgotten what she said to me before.

I have (had?) a couple of friends like that. My bet is that they have a caring and supportive nature, so they are around while there is an issue affecting you but disappear to help other people when you are no longer in problems.

In a way I am grateful they disappear like that, because some other people who enjoy “caring” stay, but who try to put you down constantly when you feel better to continue to feel they are “needed”. These “friends” I dump myself.

@SunShinesBrightly

So interesting to read these stories. I too think that it’s a platonic version of lovebombing. I also think it’s about control. They need to feel like the most important person in everyone’s world so, in order to achieve this they shower you with their charm, kindness and generosity so that you become emotionally attached to them. When they feel secure they have your undivided attention - mission accomplished and they move on to the next person.

I agree with this too @SunShinesBrightly.

This particular friend was amazing at showers of affection...warmth, gifts, charm, attention, little cards...all very lovely, but most friendships aren't like that.

She was also very insecure underneath.

I've been following this thread as I know someone like this. I actually started a thread about her a while ago as I was so upset about her behaviour but none of it made sense until I read this thread.

We used to be incredibly close and helped each other through tough times, went on holiday (she invited me) then a few years ago she just went really cold on me and I had no idea why - until that point it was definitely an equal friendship on both sides. I asked a couple of times if I had done something but it seemed not. She then half heartedly made some effort with me which trailed off. I was so upset as I really thought of her as a dear friend.

At the point where I decided "enough is enough" (mainly because she did something to me that I really didn't like) and started to back off, then I get her sending me old photos of the two of us together, calling me again.... until I'm "interested" and then off she goes. It goes round in a circle.

She is wonderfully entertaining and we used to (and still do) have so much fun together - that "sparkle" you mention - but she also constantly needs people to say how wonderful everything she does it, she talks a lot about herself and very little interest in my life (makes me feel like I'm too boring for her). She is also very insecure/unstable but at the same time likes to preach at me even if I've asked a simple question.

I get cross with myself as I can't seem to get over this friendship and the loss of it because I adored her .....