Intense friendship then 'dumped'

[KateNicole]

A few years ago, I got involved with a woman who was very warm and charming but very fickle. She was very complimentary (not just 'that's a nice top' but really thoughtful, intimate observations 'you have such an amazing gift for x/y/z' etc). Sending little checking in texts constantly. Or if you were getting a flight at 12.30, she'd text at 12.25 saying 'have a good flight'. It was like being under a warm spotlight and feeling really cared for. It also felt different to my other friendships.

I'm not saying she wasn't genuine. I think in the moment she was, and our friendship meant something. She quickly got bored though and moved on. Gradually it dawned on me that she had the ability to be like that with anyone and that there was nothing special about me !!! (who knew!!)

I've always prided myself on being able to read people but I got totally sucked in and really thought I'd found some kind of female, BFF soulmate.

A few years on and I still have days where I feel a bit flat. Which is ridiculous as there was nothing wrong with my life before and certainly nothing lacking. It was like she breezed in, threw glitter all over me then breezed off again. Not gonna lie...I felt used and I felt like a bit of an idiot.

Has anyone else ever experienced anything similar?

This is very interesting and has really struck a chord.

Many years ago, a couple of a similar age to us moved in next door. They were incredibly friendly from the outset - looking back with hindsight it was actually a bit too much. She would pop around every day and every weekend they wanted us around for drinks. Their DD and ours were also close in age and the mother did everything she could to encourage a friendship between the two children. My DD wasn’t actually that keen and, most unlike her, started to refuse to play with theirs. At the time I thought my DD was being rude and unpleasant but I found out afterwards there was bullying and slightly inappropriate behaviour but she didn’t want to say anything because she thought it would upset the adult friendship.

Things got very intense and then the wife started revealing secrets about her husband and discussing intimate details about her marriage to me - stuff that I would have found difficult to discuss with someone had known for years, let alone a few months. I didn’t feel comfortable with the information so tried to redirect her to appropriate agencies.

She reacted really badly to the fact I didn’t want to get directly involved or take sides, so lashed out verbally and made some very bizarre accusations. We had two separate visits from the police saying both myself and my DH had threatened her and made her frightened for her life! The police listened to us and said they were satisfied nothing had actually happened so I’m not sure what her motives actually were.

We then had a massive brown patch appear on our back lawn close to her side of the fence that looked like someone had thrown weed killer or petrol. Cat poo was regularly chucked over the fence too. At the time, I had a part time job working with children and anonymous allegation was made that someone had concerns about my care of them. Unfortunately, the authority wouldn’t reveal who had made it but it seemed too coincidental not to to be related but it was decided the allegation was unfounded and malicious.

Just when I was getting to the point that I thought we would have to move, she beat us to it. Their marriage broke up and they had to sell. She relocated to another part of our small town and I understand similar behaviour started again there!

I think I might be that friend :/

I meet people and I can be very friendly and warm, invite them to things, check in on them etc. I think I'm fairly thoughtful. But actually, this is just in the beginning phase of a potential friendship for me - if once we get to know each other I feel that actually we won't get on long term, then I will pull back.

I appreciate how that might come across as "being dumped" but actually, if it turns out we don't have enough in common, how could the relationship continue?

I tend to have a few very close friends, and a group of acquaintances who may or may not consider themselves my friends, people I would see socially but not be intimate with.

It was like she breezed in, threw glitter all over me then breezed off again.

Love this expression OP.

Had it happen to me this summer. Luckily not for long.

I'm old enough not to get bothered by it any more beyond the initial WTF??...

I had one of these. So funny and caring. Lovely to be with. Radiated warmth. Always flaky but worth the effort when we did meet.

I watched her systematically fall out with everyone else and knew it was probably inevitable despite me being pretty laid back and diplomatic by nature. In the end it was to do with my dietary choices and there was no real fall out, just a total cut off of contact. I saw her at a distance in the supermarket last week and it was an odd feeling.

I have a friendship exactly like this! It's so funny you used the description of it feeling like you're under a warm spotlight because when I was talking to my boyfriend about it I said "When you're in her favour it feels like you're basking in the sun but when she turns her attention away it's so cold". I think we're describing the exact same feeling!

@PineappleCakes

I think I might be that friend :/

I meet people and I can be very friendly and warm, invite them to things, check in on them etc. I think I'm fairly thoughtful. But actually, this is just in the beginning phase of a potential friendship for me - if once we get to know each other I feel that actually we won't get on long term, then I will pull back.

I appreciate how that might come across as "being dumped" but actually, if it turns out we don't have enough in common, how could the relationship continue?

I tend to have a few very close friends, and a group of acquaintances who may or may not consider themselves my friends, people I would see socially but not be intimate with.

THIS ^^. I am really sorry this happened to you OP, I must admit I read that message and winced a bit at the notion I’m pretty sure I have done this to a couple of friends in the past. I am quite insecure about my personality and it manifests as an introverted extrovert. I over egg it so to speak. In a couple of situations such as when we moved to a new town, or I’ve got a new job I think I over do it at the start of a friendship out of insecurity, and then subsequently if I realise that person and I have different values / not a lot in common / likely “incompatible” as close friends, I step away politely … too cowardly to be honest! I have learned from that the hard way a couple of times, I have a small close group of friends I have known for years & trust and now I am much more reserved at the start of new friendships, and I give it more time in order to not hurt anyone in future.

I’m not insinuating I’m some sort of fantastic person to be around, but I certainly think I’ve given off the impression I’ve found a friend for life in the past too soon. These people may not have cared and may have been glad to get shot of me! But if not, I can imagine they’d be wondering similar things…

So interesting reading so many different replies. Thank you!

@Alwaysonthegoslow we are still friends now but not close. I am always wary. We are very different anyway. I think I am nice company (fun even, on a good day, lol!) but I don't have that sparkly appeal. Probably I am too reliable and steady. This particular friend was someone who even if she was being a pain in the butt, you'd hope she would show up at your party as it would give the evening a bit of a lift..

I agree with whoever said about self esteem. I was feeling really rubbish today and ended up ruminating.

Hmm… I could be that friend. I like people. I like listening to them. I care, I’m interested, I compliment. I can hold the attention of a group, or a room ( no idea how…) I open up quickly, and bond quickly.
Then I feel the doubt. I wonder if I’ve forced myself on people, if they are wishing I’d leave them alone. I go quiet. And if they don’t notice and reassure me (and, honestly, how could they?) it confirms it. And I back away ashamed and don’t approach again as I don’t want to impose.
I’m very lonely.

I had a friend like that. Very quickly started to text everyday and then met up every few days. Like I’d known her for years.

One day, she cut me off out of the blue, no explanation. We had not had any disagreement or argument, just a bolt out of the blue.

Realised it was a pattern that she had repeated and which many friends and partners, in thrall due to her attractiveness and affluence, had tolerated.

What hurt the most was actually mutual friends cooling off contact with me too because this friend had. That was cowardly.

She didn't maybe fancy you?

I an sorry this happened OP bit selfishly am reading this and feeling relieved that this has happened to other people! I'm currently experiencing "the shadow" with someone I know I came to depend on too much...but christ it's a bit brutal feeling dumped like this isn't it. Never happened to me before, and I'm struggling with it tbh.

Decades ago I had a friend who did this and it was awful as we worked together. I realised after that she was jealous as I was moving into my first home with my partner. It was a shame as I had really wanted it to be a genuine friendship and she seemed so warm, but when she turned it was nasty. She told mutual friends that I was being horrible to her and made wider friendships harder. It gave me a push to look for a new job, which was more relevant to my degree and better pay.

Every darkcloud has a silverlining. OP at least you know where you stand and can make new genuine friends.

@TheChip yes this!!! I am an extravert and need lots of social contact in my life. It would be draining for my few close friends so I spread it out over many - I invest in making new friends and am thoughtful and caring, often without equal reciprocation, because I genuinely enjoy being involved in people's lives (sending texts for small events, calling to chat every so often, cooking meals when they are in periods of stress etc). I don't mind at all that it's not reciprocated to the same degree because I spread my needs over many people, but the quid pro quo is if I'm not getting enough joy from the relationship any more, I do withdraw and prioritise others - and am definitely not waiting to "entertain them" at the drop of a hat!

OP I'm sorry you were so affected by this friendship - it sounds like you had different understandings of it. Fwiw I don't think she was a narcissist or love bombing or a bad person - everyone is just different and some people are like that! Look at the good you had from the relationship and be happy for those times

So glad to hear it's not just me going through this. It feels like a break up - I have been tried out and found wanting. And then I hate myself for being so pathetic when I am old enough to know better and shouldn't care.

Yes I had a friendship like this ..to the point that if our phone rang my children would say it was J ! And it always was but she then became friendlier with another group of Mothers and myself and my children were dumped!! My advice to anyone feeling used is to run for the hills!!

I had the instant 'warm spotlight' effect from someone who, it turned out, was trying to build an audience for a play she was involved in. Luckily I was puzzled and sceptical from the start (and didn't go to the play).

Yes, I had it when a new neighbour moved in and immediately kind of adopted me as her best mate. I have always been a bit of a loner and it was lovely to have a really close friend for a couple of years. She was warm and bubbly, but needy. But then I noticed another neighbour being put in my position, being invited round rather than me. We fell out over something small which was her taking offence when none was meant, but I apologised, thinking this was the quickest way to move on, but she texted saying my apology meant I was in the wrong. She was off with me after that and our friendship was never the same (I learnt a lesson there about apologies!). I did grieve for the close friendship I'd lost, but I've got over it now.

There’s a mum at school who is a bit like this. She’ll take you in, foster a very warm close friendship, include you in everything etc. I did nearly get pulled in, and we’ve been friendly for a few years, but I noticed that she would often fall out with people over very small, insignificant things and I figured that it would probably happen to me at some point and lo, it has.

I’m not even 100% sure why but I think it was over a Covid rule that she had perceived I’d broken (I hadn’t) - but now she has gone onto another woman in our circle and I feel for her as I know she’ll get dropped at some point too.
I do think it comes from a place of insecurity and I’m glad I never allowed myself to get fully drawn in, but suddenly being totally ignored is….odd. I’m in my 40s and haven’t experienced this kind of behaviour since I was at school.
Funny thing is, I’m pretending that I haven’t noticed that she’s “dropped” me, so I’m still being my normal friendly self and our two children are in the same years at school so she can’t avoid me!
She dropped one friend because she made a comment about what she was wearing to a dinner, and another friend because they disagreed with her over who should be invited to a school function, so it was always clear that no one could live up to these perfect standards forever.

I had a girl latch onto me when we were both pregnant. I think she wanted a bff. We hung out for about a year. She was very ott. But I think she found motherhood hard and resented me for enjoying it. She ghosted me and it was very hurtful. But looking back I did nothing wrong.

This happened to me. It was quite an intense relationship and we did everything together. She was very encouraging for my career as well.
I remember I met her oldest friend who basically said ‘oh you’re the new one’.
It got to the point where she started looking for a reason to fall out with me and then totally cut me dead. Years later she would be friendly again but I couldn’t be the same back (same industry.
She was then diagnosed as bi-polar and it all made a little bit more sense.

Yes! I’ve experienced it twice and in both cases I think it was some sort of saviour complex? I’m sure they both thought they were desperately needed to save me from something (fuck knows what) and as soon as it became apparent that I was/am genuinely happy and content and doing fine in life I became a hot potato!

I think some people’s self esteem is really low, and the way they try and boost is by being around others they perceive themselves to be ‘better’ than and try to position themselves to raise the inferior ‘friend’ up. Utterly bizarre.

I have to say, the second didn’t last anywhere near as long as the first as I’d learned from the first time, and I distanced myself when I clocked on, rather than being dropped!

One of my closest friends (of several years) ghosted me after the winter lockdown. Read (blue ticks!) my messages but didnt reply - for months! Naturally, I worried initially that she was struggling with it all, but her fb made clear it wasn't the case - life and soul in all her pics/updates. She's been sending me gushy miss you (ive saw love bombing mentioned here, think thats what im currently being subjected to???), when can we meet messages recently, as though nothing happened! As though we saw each other only yesterday. On reflection, shes always played these mind/power games - it never felt particularly weird before, but it does now. My heart is no longer in it, i've never felt as hurt by a friend (it's a horrible way to feel) and i'm completely done with the friendship now.

Everyone I've ever known who had this sparkly quality, including a close family member, had in fact a Cluster B personality disorder. NPD, HPD, BPD. It is sad, afterwards, to long for the warm sparkle they can bestow.

OP, it's not you. It's her/them.

I always assumed with this woman that she had been very hurt by someone once and so always checked out of a friendship before she could get hurt again. Either that or she has such a huge superiority complex that she can’t cope when anyone disagrees with her, but I can’t quite believe that of a woman in her mid 40s.

This has happened to me twice. Its almost like a breakup but worse because everyone understands a break up so can empathise. The hurt at losing (or being abandoned by) a friend you loved can be harder to explain... Anyway my first happened when I moved town and she just appeared. We spent ridiculous amounts of time together, and if we weren't together there was constant texting. Then about six months later she literally disappeared. She moved away, stopped answering messages and ghosted me. I felt heartbroken! Anyway that was ten years ago and since then she has breezed in and out. When she first reappeared I let myself get sucked straight back in again... And then again the next time. This time though I have finally learnt my lesson and although I don't feel I can ever cut her out entirely I am now the one that keeps our contact constantly minimal.

As to the other one. That hurt too, but only once. It may take me a while but eventually I learn